Liquidius Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 Having being dumped almost 6 weeks ago, after 2 years I feel the need to write an account of what is going on. An online diary. I went to the cinema, on Wednesday, with my ex and several of my friends. He brought his best friend, Lucy* along. I get on with her really well, and over the past few weeks they've been spending lots of time together. I got quite upset over this, and asked my ex, and he assured me there was nothing going on. He even ended up crying because he thought I didnt want to be friends with him. At the cinema, he paid lots of attention to both me and Lucy*, and even asked me to go and play cards with him and his friends tonight. I agreed to go. I said I'd see him on Friday, and he said "We'll probably talk before that anyway!". Unfortunately, he cant make it now. He's going to a concert with a male friend, which he thought was on a Sunday, but it turns out its tonight. He said that he was really angry that his friend had got the date wrong, and that it'd messed his whole weekend up. I can't see how it did really. The only thing I can see that he is missing out on is going to play cards with me in the evening, and I haven't featured as much of a part of his life recently. I think maybe he had something else planned. I'm just glad we're getting on as friends, although it really hurts me inside because he is spending so much time with Lucy*. The one thing that bothers me at the moment is that he has just got himself a full time job in the nearest city, about 20 miles from me. Lucy* lives there, and I don't really have any reason to see him anymore. Me and my ex used to go to the same school and college - but that's all finished now. I'm scared of losing him slowly, as a friend, as I'm going to uni in september, and he's staying here. It also makes me feel sick that he and Lucy* might get together - especially when I'm gone. I'm losing him already - neither of us have an excuse to see eachother, and he's busy with his full time job. Link to comment
GettingOverIt Posted June 3, 2005 Share Posted June 3, 2005 You still have a lot of raw feelings for your ex.... Honestly, as painful as this sounds, I think this separation will be good for you... It will help you get past these feelings you're having... As far as losing your friend goes, it may happen, but it doesn't necessarily 'have' to happen... You are not going to be able to see each other as much or talk to each other as much, but you can still remain friends, and even remain close friends... I know he is your ex, and you that friendship side of things to continue.... You need to heal right now, take time for yourself, and then after time has passed, see where your friendship leads... Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 5, 2005 Author Share Posted June 5, 2005 Thanks for your advice GettingOverIt. We aren't spending too much time together at the moment, and its better. After going to the concert, I got a text message at 7:30 in the morning, telling me about the concert and how he'd got me a present. I had jokingly text him the evening before telling him that he'd better bring me back a big big expensive present lol. I didnt think he was actually going to take it to heart. We're spending much more time apart, and its easier to heal knowing that we are on speaking terms. I'm just about to start a new job which will be a real confidence boost. I went to play cards with his friends, and had a really good time I'm planning not to talk to him unless he wants to talk to me, afterall, he's the one that ended it. He's the one that wants space. At the moment, I'm experiencing a strange emotion. In fact, its almost like a lack of emotion. And it scares me. At this point of time, I think of my ex, I miss his company, but I don't love him. Anyone else know what I mean? Link to comment
PB Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 At the moment, I'm experiencing a strange emotion. In fact, its almost like a lack of emotion. And it scares me. At this point of time, I think of my ex, I miss his company, but I don't love him. Anyone else know what I mean? Yes, rationally I know my ex and I do not have a future together. We are ill-suited for a long term relationship. There are things about her that bugs the heck of me. She chose to commit to her new boyfriend rather than give "us" a chance, etc... But yet... I miss her company a great deal. I don't love her but I miss her. I don't want to get back together with her, yet I think about her often. Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 5, 2005 Author Share Posted June 5, 2005 Glad someone knows where I'm coming from. There's only so long you can love someone that rejects you completely. How are you coping with things, you sound like you're doing ok Link to comment
PB Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 Glad someone knows where I'm coming from. There's only so long you can love someone that rejects you completely. How are you coping with things, you sound like you're doing ok (...hysterical laughter in background as PB attempts to sound like he's "doing ok"... ) When you say, "There's only so long you can love someone that rejects you completely.", is that what you really mean? It sounds like from what I've read that your ex is comfortable with "just friendship". So, that's not really a "total" rejection. I'm working on myself as much as I can. I started a fitness regimen the weekend before the Monday that we broke up (late February). That has helped me get through some low feeling days. I've lost about 10 lbs and have toned up some. Most people think I've lost a lot more weight than I have. It's been a good counter balance for my low feelings about my relationship issue to have everyone noticing that I've lost weight, look younger, etc... I hope everything turns out good for you. Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 5, 2005 Author Share Posted June 5, 2005 Ok, not complete rejection, but thats enough for me. I'm glad you've found stuff to do, and even through your "hysterical laughter", you SOUND like you are doing ok Hope all turns out well for you too. Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 6, 2005 Author Share Posted June 6, 2005 And I've woken up in a not so good mood this morning. I miss him, again. I'm resisting the urge to pick up the phone and call him, or even text him, but its so hard. I have a job interview today - I'll let you all know how it goes. There's some distraction for me at least! I might drag some friends out this evening too, that'll give me something else to do. In the mean time, anyone got any idea on how to stop feeling so low - I'm all ears (or eyes, as the case may be lol.). Link to comment
PB Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 And I've woken up in a not so good mood this morning. First, can you identify if your "not so good" mood is directly related to missing him, or are you missing him because you are not in a good mood? I find that both "high" and "low" days will cause you to think about your ex more. I miss him, again. Are you missing "him" or are you missing what you shared? Would it be possible to imagine one day having those feelings of shared intimacy with someone who would return your feelings at the same level that you feel them? I'm resisting the urge to pick up the phone and call him, or even text him, but its so hard. I would suggest to definitely resist the urge to connect (especially on days that you feel particularly weak about your life or him). Realize that he can't be your source of consolation when you are down. You will just spiral down to a lower level of despair if he says or does something that even hints at rejection. He will sense your despair and will pershaps pull away even further. Perhaps he will feel some guilt about his participation in your low feelings. Most people do not want to deal with that kind of guilt so they avoid the things (you) that make them feel that way. In the mean time, anyone got any idea on how to stop feeling so low - I'm all ears (or eyes, as the case may be lol.). Ha! You must make quite a fetchin' appearance with a face full of eyes and ears! Maybe you can restrict your thoughts towards your ex to certain times of the day? The rest of the day, whenever you thing about him, gently tell yourself to focus on how in the next few moments you might help yourself or someone else. Tell yourself that you'll think about him later. Good luck on the interview! Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 6, 2005 Author Share Posted June 6, 2005 Ha! You must make quite a fetchin' appearance with a face full of eyes and ears! I'll have you know all my eyes and ears are very fetching, thankyou I think I just woke up in a "down" mood this morning. I've perked up a bit during the course of the day, and have behaved and not talked to the ex. I think I'm missing what we had, not him as such. It's sometimes hard to tell the difference between the two. Thanks for mentioning it though - makes me think. I firmly believe that one day i'll find someone who i'll be intimate with on all levels - I guess I'm just missing that too. Restricting my thoughts could be a good idea - a bit hard, but I can try. I'll set designated time to think about him, with all of my eyes, and my oh so attractive ears Thanks, your post really cheered me up - made me think too. Oh, by the way, the job interview went really well! I'll find out if i've got it in a few days Link to comment
GettingOverIt Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 Restricting your thoughts can be tough, but you can do it... I dont know about a 'set time' to think about things, but for while I was 'limiting' my time... I'd start thinking about things and then make an effort to be near a clock and ay, 'okay, in 10 minutes, I move on to something else.' It got to the point where that became so ridiculous, the thoughts kinda kept diminishing... Weird.. What's more, I still have thoughts, but the feelings that used to come with the thoughts are changing... I mean, I have some very wonderful memories... But that's all they are, and all I really ever want them to be anymore... It is a long, hard road sometimes, but you'll make it!! Just keep those 'fetching' little ears perked up, and your eyes focused on what's coming down the line for ya! ;-) Link to comment
PB Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 I'll have you know all my eyes and ears are very fetching, thankyou I'm sure. You know, if eyes are windows into the soul....your's must be well lit! Of course, ears are just windows into the ear canals--so that doesn't help you much... I firmly believe that one day i'll find someone who i'll be intimate with on all levels - I guess I'm just missing that too. It's a nice goal. Aim high! Thanks, your post really cheered me up - made me think too. (PB helps heal himself by lifting the spirit of others...) Oh, by the way, the job interview went really well! I'll find out if i've got it in a few days Jobs are nice to have when you need one! Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 7, 2005 Author Share Posted June 7, 2005 *bites lip* And this would be the longest I haven't spoken to the ex since our split up. Day 3. The last time we were in contact, he initiated it, at 7:30 in the morning. I'm going to distract myself, I'm going to go and do something. I'm going to do something that isnt talking or contacting him. In his last text, he told me he'd got me a present from London, and I guess I'll see him on friday (we share a hobby), and I'll get it then. Why he got me a present I don't know, but I'm trying not to think about it too much. We have exams next week - and he's mentioned to me before that he has lost the timetable and doesn't know what time they are. I keep thinking that perhaps I should text him and tell him but that's a feeble excuse - he shouldnt have lost them, and its not my job to tell him. Right? Our last meeting together was nice, but I should stop thinking about it so much. Grr...I hate the mornings hehe. Undoubtedly, I'll be in a better frame of mine later. Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 8, 2005 Author Share Posted June 8, 2005 Day 4. I didnt talk to him yesterday (because I'm good hehe), but this morning, I woke up - after dreaming about him all night. The memories have come flooding back, the way he used to hold me and look into my eyes - I could see the love. He used to drive anywhere to do something for me, he always made sure I was ok, and now it's all gone. Everything I want is gone. I'm trying desperately hard to think about something else, but its difficult when my mind makes me see what I had every night. I wake up and all I can think about is "What if's". What if I hadn't picked a fight about a small thing, What if I was nicer?, What if I was....I dont know. I don't know what to do now. Link to comment
PB Posted June 8, 2005 Share Posted June 8, 2005 The memories have come flooding back, the way he used to hold me and look into my eyes - I could see the love. Not to rain on you memory, but that "look" can be very transitory and not reflect the deeper self. Have you ever had that "look" for someone else, for instance, and now you don't feel that way towards them at all? He used to drive anywhere to do something for me, he always made sure I was ok, and now it's all gone. Everything I want is gone. What were his wants? Maybe he woke up one day and realized that he was ignoring things important to him (all for the sake of trying to make you happy). "What if's". What if I hadn't picked a fight about a small thing, What if I was nicer?, What if I was....I dont know. I don't know what to do now. Learning is embedded in the "what if questions". The pain is there to motivate you to change something about yourself. You have to find what changes are required. Link to comment
PB Posted June 8, 2005 Share Posted June 8, 2005 Liquidius I apologize if my previous note sounded a little blunt. Today has not been particularly good day for me either. The last two days, I've been feeling a very deep anger over my situation with my ex (the one I share an office with). I think it stems from the fact that I'm going to have to deal with him (her new boyfriend) being around more often. He lives 250 miles away (in her hometown). He's been visiting a day or 2 a week or she's been going there (her parents still live there). Now, he's purchased a home here in town where she and I work. I'm pretty sure that means that he'll hanging around the office a lot. He works for himself so he can spend his time however he likes. For the past several months that means that he spends half of his day talking to her on the phone (probably 4 or more times a day at the office) and sending her a dozen emails every day. He's also the chatty type that I can tell will be trying to establish a friendship with me (just because he wants to be friends with ANYONE WITH ANY CONNECTION TO THE OBJECT OF HIS WORSHIP). As you might imagine, he is the last person in the world that I care to be friendly with or even be around for that matter. I'm not a violent person, nor have I ever been prone to fighting, but sometimes I get a strong urge to punch him, backhand her, quit my job before they can fire me for it, and walk out the door. I realize that this won't solve anything, but it sure is easy to consider it anyway. Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 8, 2005 Author Share Posted June 8, 2005 I apologize if my previous note sounded a little blunt. Today has not been particularly good day for me either. No worries, everyone has s*** days. And to be honest, I was happy anyway, I didn't ask him or make him go and do any of those things. He did it because he said he "wanted" to. I'm not a violent person, nor have I ever been prone to fighting, but sometimes I get a strong urge to punch him, backhand her, quit my job before they can fire me for it, and walk out the door. I realize that this won't solve anything, but it sure is easy to consider it anyway. Nope, true. Wont help you solve anything. Mind you, I'm not going to solve anything by sitting here whinging on about my problems. But it makes me feel better! As much as you might want to punch him, just remember the poor guy hasn't actually done anything wrong. She has - backhand her if you like lol Don't lose your job over it though, she's not worth it, and he's not either. Perhaps you could be moved somewhere away from her? Link to comment
PB Posted June 8, 2005 Share Posted June 8, 2005 I'm not going to solve anything by sitting here whinging on about my problems. But it makes me feel better! Aha! Now the truth is coming out! You've not been hurting over this ex at all, right? You're just a little ol' whiner! As much as you might want to punch him, just remember the poor guy hasn't actually done anything wrong. All the better! He'll be too naive to duck! Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 8, 2005 Author Share Posted June 8, 2005 The ex spoke to me online today, and we got on fine. He had had a bad week, and I spent about 45 mins trying to cheer him up - which worked a little. He asked me if i was seeing anyone, which I'm not, and generally we had a good convo. I'm getting my present off of him tomorrow whoohoo... we didnt speak about us at all - which has to be good! We spent the time catching up I'm glad we've managed the friends thing so well, i dont feel ready to spend so much time with him in person, but I'm accepting the fact that we aren't going to get back together. It's making it easier, but I still have some bad moments. Link to comment
GettingOverIt Posted June 8, 2005 Share Posted June 8, 2005 Some advice from someone who has been there.... The friends thing can be harder than it first seems... The key is to NOT bring up anything about your past relationship, fif at all possible... Bite your tongue if you have to.... You may find it very, VERY hard to separate the ex-bf from the friend... I know I had trouble talking to the woman who was one of my best friends because our past kept coming up (I kept bringing it up... It is just hard not to when you know you made so many stupid mistakes and were not at all the person you 'usually' are...)... Anyway, good luck to ya! Link to comment
PB Posted June 8, 2005 Share Posted June 8, 2005 The friends thing can be harder than it first seems... The key is to NOT bring up anything about your past relationship, fif at all possible... The thing is if you don't talk about the past then that only leaves the present and the future. My ex's current and future life revolves around her new boyfriend and the things they are either doing together or planning to do together. These are not topics that I want to discuss. So our conversations are all one-sided. She asks me about stuff going on in my life. Sometimes I tell her some of it and sometimes I let her know that I'm not interested in talking about it. I refuse to inquire about her life because I know sooner or later it will come around to her boyfriend, and I don't really want to hear it. When we first broke up, I listened to a lot of it with the hopes that I could either use the information to help me get her back, or that she would think more positively towards me if gave her some friendly attention. Once I realized that she was not coming back, I knew I had to pull farther away. I did not want to become one of those sad dudes who follows some girl around all of the time hoping for a little morsel of attention. Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 9, 2005 Author Share Posted June 9, 2005 You're situation is a little different from mine though - me and my ex can be friends at the moment (mainly because neither of us are interested in finding another else, we are both enjoying being single). This is good, its giving me time to heal before he throws him heart and soul into a relationship. Hopefully when he does (and he will eventually), i'll be healed enough to be a good friend. We broke up on fairly good terms too which helps. Anyway, thanks for your advice guys! I will try reaaaally hard not to talk about the past, although at the moment we have lots of catching up to do, so the past isnt coming up PB, Do you actually want to be friends with your ex eventually? I know its really painful now, and I can see why you keep your distance. I would do too Link to comment
PB Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 PB, Do you actually want to be friends with your ex eventually? I know its really painful now, and I can see why you keep your distance. I would do too That's a difficult question for me to answer. She asked me a day or two ago me how me and ______ (another girlfriend) got to be friends. I told her she moved 250 miles away. Link to comment
Liquidius Posted June 9, 2005 Author Share Posted June 9, 2005 Spent some time shopping with the ex, which went well He paid for the carpark, I got him a cake because he wasn't feeling so good about work, and his lack of a social life right now, and we spoke like old times. We talked about any dates that we've had, (he started the subject) and as it turns out, he tells me he's not interested in other women at the moment. I told him about the few dates I've had with one guy, and he seemed kinda worried that I might be seeing him, but didnt say much. I told him that I wasn't when he asked for the second time - and that I wasn't planning anything serious with the guy. I got my present too, was a bracelet! I like it lots I've sent him out with some money to get my dad's father's day present that is in the shop next to where he works (because It's quite a long way from where I live), and he seemed quite happy to do so, in fact he offered So, our day went well. Well on the way to being friends Link to comment
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