Random Memories..

[RegretfulStudent]

It's been about 2.5 months since she broke off our 8 month relationship. I have broken off all contact. Unfortunately, I run into her on campus from time to time as this summer is her last semester. Anyway, the massive sunburn I got after spending too much time on the beach this weekend made me think of how chapped her nose used to get when we would kiss because of my five oclock shadow. I had a small temptation to call her and reminisce but I resisted. I always wonder if small things remind her of me though or if she ever sits and thinks about the good times we had. Do any of you ladies who have done the breaking up have any insight?

[killerk1234]

you know.. i broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years, and even now, i still think about him and i am in a serious relationship. I have been going out with this new guy for almost a year. When i broke up with the bf of 2 years we never talked.. but he was in many of my classes, i even started to date his best friend. but i always thought about him and often regretted it. and little things to this day still remind me of him. i bet she still thinks about you and maybe even regrets it. hope this helps

[GettingOverIt]

I am not a lady, but I did want to commend you on NOT calling her... That takes a lot of courage, and it's not easy... Keep that up, and you will heal....

 

On a side note, I did get the chance to talk with an ex-gf who broke up with me (many years ago), and I apologized for something that had been kind of eating at me since our break-up. She told me that she only had fond memories of our past. I don't know if all people who do the breaking up do, but it caught me off guard in a pleasant way... No, we weren't trying to rekindle anything... It was just nice to know that she did have those memories....

 

Maybe in time, (if she doesnt right now) she will have the fond memories of your time together...

[hockeyboy]

my ex broke up with me. she texted me last week after not talking for months and i flat out asked her why she texted me. she said she was playing a game on her cell phone, and was thinking about how we were goofing around one night and we were playing it all night for some reason and it made her think about me/wonder about me. This was not a significant thing between us...but still made her think of me.

[RegretfulStudent]

Thanks for the posts, it comforts me alot knowing that she probably thinks of me. I regret alot of the rollercoaster/drama that went on during our breakup (and up to 30 days after) because then it would be easier for her to pull out a happy memory. In any of your examples, were they bad breakups?

 

I guess this is one time to regret having such a good memory.. because I'm starting to remember random times like picking up a pint of ice cream and two spoons when she was having a bad day, cards I wrote to her, etc.

[heartshout]

things would definitely remind us of our ex ... my ex broke up with me 2 months ago and still there are a lot of things that triggers and reminds me of her ... i dont know how i would get over this ... but on the other hand, too ... i do wonder if ever she thinks about me ... after our breakup, there was no effort on her part to get in touch ... i also in turn had to go NC ...

 

hang in there and things will be brighter ... i hope soon ..

[Dakota6560]

I too am in the same boat as heartshout. It has been roughly two months and all thought I have been in NC for only a week and she has made no effort to contact me it makes me seem that I wasn't as significant in her life as she made it seem. Everyday I hope I get one day closer to my happy place. I would honestly like to think Regretful that she does think of you and it is a positive image she has. I am sure you ment something great in her life and she will hold your memories dear. I haven't met an ex who didn't think of me nor I didn't think of them. I guess after a breakup we just figure that we are "out of sight and out of mind" but honestly she propably thinks of you and smiles.

[RegretfulStudent]

I understand how it feels when they make no effort to contact your after a breakup Dakota. Because we start to remember all the good times, all the things they said to us (how much they loved us, how much we meant to them, how we meant more to them then all previous relationships combined) and then they don't ever initiate any type of contact. It feels like we were just thrown away. I'm probably the last one to give advice on this stuff, but I can't emphasize how important no contact is. I regret the attempts I made at contact those first couple of weeks. The way I figure it is, they have all the power in the relationship now (even though it doesn't exist).. but you have all the power in friendship/contact.

[Dakota6560]

Regretful, that was very well put about having power in the realtionship and we can have the power in the friendship. I will definitely keep that in mind. I have still kept up the NC. I did run into her at the gym but I stayed my distance and never made eye contact. I hope that doesn't come off as a a**hole. She was on the cardio machines and they were all taken so I went to the other side to do legs. I just didn't want to look in her eyes. It is amazing how we have all had breakups that have been over for a couple of months and yet this person, this one person can still have an affect on us long after being in contact with them. I am truly glad to have found this place and if it wasn't for you guys I would have a much harder time then I do. Thanks

[RegretfulStudent]

That's pretty coincidental.. I had the same experience. Before the summer semester started last week, I told a buddy that I didn't want to see her for the entire summer. Of course I ended up seeing her 3 times the next day. The first time we were walking past each other and said hello. She tried to make a small conversation but I kept walking. The third time was in the gym. She was finishing on a machine as I was walking in and we both kind of froze after making eye contact. I just turned around and went to the other gym. I posted about that on here because I was wondering if I was being a jerk too. I made the realization though- interacting with your exgirlfriend with the strategy/hope of getting her back is a bad approach. Do whatever you want, because who cares what she thinks. In retrospect though, know that by purposely avoiding her and showing signs of akwardness might give her the added satisfaction that she has some affect on you. A fake smile can go a long way.

 

This site has definitely helped me alot. I felt like I belaboured the details of my breakup with my friends abit, so it helped being able to vent here. But sometimes I wonder that by coming here so often, does that just further keep our old relationships in our minds?

[Dakota6560]

Regretful, to answer your question about coming here too often. I will say for myself I have started to feel better and better. I understand this will be a very slow process but i guess I think of it like a pressure cooker when the pressure keeps building and building there is only two things that can happen either it keeps rising and eventually explodes or you realse the valve and allow all the pressure to escape from inside until there is nothing else. In othere words my pressure keeps going down and down and I am thinking of her less and less and it hurts less and less. Just keep it in the right context. Besides if you are okay who is to say you can't help someone else get through theirs!

[RegretfulStudent]

Oh, I didn't want to give the impression that I was healed. I'm actually the opposite. I saw one of my former girlfriend's friends at a pool party on Saturday and it brought me down. I felt like a loser being there without someone (and I'm sure this news got back to the girl that dumped me). I've felt down since then and have not stopped thinking about her. It makes me mad at myself because I know she doesn't think about me this much, and if she does I'm sure she always comes to the same conclusion that she is glad that she walked away. I know she will never come back, but it would mean the world to me if I knew that one day she would call and say 'hey, I was just calling to see how you're doing?'

[Dakota6560]

RS, I know exactly what you are saying. You are alone and feel like everyones is happy except lonely you. I need you to realize something it has taken me 29yrs+ to finally realize. We need to change the outlook we have of ourselves. Think about, I am lonely, I am a loser, she is glad she dumped me. Bullsh*t! You need to keep reminding yourself you are a great guy, you have great qualities that some young lady is going to be thrilled with. You need to realize this. I have been doing research and actually a friend has tried to set me up with this girl. Well, we have been talking and she asks me why I have a low selfesteem and it stems back 6yrs ago to a young lady that broke my heart and slowy I have let it pull me down until now! I realized it and I am committed to get it back. Look I really don't know you but I bet your friends that are females tell you that you are a great catch and she doesn't know what she is missing. They are not lying!!!! This girl I am talking to is telling me this. She says I am goregous and a great package. Shes right! You need to realize this. I am serious. Get a book and read about this. Write down all the good things you posses whether it is your kindness or humor or maybe a great smile and keep reminding yourself and quess what? You are going to think it! I am telling you this because I don't want you to go dowm the same 6yr road I went through. I am telling you sink or swim and I hope you swim. So promise me this, write down all the positive things that you posses and don't worry you can be as conceited as you want. Matter of fact, you should be. Heck, I will tell you right now I was at one of my jobs at this business and there is this young lady who is beautiful that works there. I walked out without talking to her and instead of thinking what might have been I marched back in there and asked her out. I got her number. I just figured the worst thing she could say is no. What I am telling you is you are much, much better than you think. Just remind yourself. Keep me posted.

[angel1211]

Wow, haven't posted in awhile and when i saw your message it reminded me of mine. I was with my ex for 8 months as well and today makes 3 months since breakup. You know what, i do still think about her and wonder how she is doing and if she still thinks about me. Instead of school, i run into her at work but i try to avoid it as much as possible. i maintained strict NC to heal. So far there has been no contact. I have urges to call but then i tell myself what good would that do for me. She hasnt made any attempt to contact me except at work when she asks coworkers about me and i end up hearing it from them. To me, i dont know if that is good or bad. I hate hearing things from coworkers about her and what she is up to. It still hurts but not as bad 3 months ago.

[angel1211]

Saw one of your post's Dakota and it is really hard to bump into someone that you once loved, cared for, and shared many things with. It's weird how things change from closeness to distant beings. Does that make sense? I mean, you see her and you don't know what to think or feel. It hurts to see her and it stirs up old memories. I ran into a month ago at work, I had no idea what to say or think. I just said hi and that was it.

 

I'm sure one day we will all look back at this a laugh in a good way.

[Dakota6560]

Hawaii, you are right. How did we go from being a big part in there lives to being someone we try to avoid. Well, I guess if it was up to us it wouldn't have gotten to that point. That is were we need the NC to heal and forget. Unfortunately that seems to be the only way to get over someone instead of holding the great moments and just realizing that we weren't ment for one another. I saw her at the gym today, I was hoping she wouldn't show but I was okay, I never looked at her and once I finished I just left. I truly hope she realizes I treated her as best as I could and I loved her dearly. I am know focusing on the fact that it wasn't there for both of us and I need to move on. Hawaii, I do believe you are right that one day we will look back at all these and have a chuckle or two but getting there is the tricky part. I hope to see you there one day and maybe we can both have a good laugh

[angel1211]

I'm sure it was difficult seeing her at the gym. When I go to work, I always wonder if I am going to run into her. I have to just face the fact that we work in the same building and that I will have to see her. It would be nice to someday look back at this and wonder what in the world was I thinking. All I can say is that this is another learning experience and that we can only get stronger from this.

[Dakota6560]

I agree, but I want not just to learn from past experiences and relationships but actually have the chance to apply this new knowledge. I do believe your situation is much harder because everyday you go to work and you don't know if today you will run into her. Is she at least friendly to you or did the relationship end in bad terms? I tell you relationships and finding true love is the hardest thing on the planet. I think I need to get a mail order bride!

[angel1211]

Well, she ended it because of cultural differences. She's muslim, i'm christian. parents had found a suitor for her and being the obedient daughter, listened to her parents. gave me up very easily, well, that's how it seemed to me. she claims from the start of our relationship that i knew what could happen. true, but i didnt know i would fall deep in love with her, go figure. she wanted to be friends (violin playing in the background). we all know how that works. she was upset because she claims i understood her "SITUATION" but how (scratching my head). told her i needed space and put the NC sign on the front door. here i am 3 months later.

 

sorry for the background info but when i do see her, i havent ran into in over a month btw, its awkward to me. we were once close and now we are strangers. i'll say hi and give her a fake smile but that is all i can do. i dont think she hates me for not speaking to her and i believe she would respond as any other coworker. what's funny is that she still asks about me through coworkers who end up telling me. from what i gather, she is very inquisitive in what i am up to. oh, did i mention that i would call her when i was ready to talk to her. she said, back then, that she is not gonna wait by the phone for my call. (still scratching my head)

 

you are absolutely right about using what we learned for the next one because the next could be the "ONE".

 

take care my friend

[Zerohero]

If a girl would have told me she could leave me anytime if her parents found a "better replacement" I would have never went out with her....

[RegretfulStudent]

Dakota,

Thanks for your pep talk. That hit the spot and was moving. You are definitely right, alot of my female friends have always complimented me about my looks, my education/future, and compassion. They all knew about the extra efforts I made during my relationship and always told me how sweet I was. Heck, even my former girlfriend said that one day I will make some girl very happy and probably remember her as a b**ch. She said maybe she isn't meant to be with anyone. She always said that I had alot of confidence and that I could meet anyone, it's unfortunate that she never knew that the reason I was so confident was because I knew I could have any girl in the world, because I had her.

 

I've been going out alot and getting numbers but that isn't really my style. I usually have to make friends with someone and get to know them before I move any further. Unfortunately, that means when the relationship is over then you lose a friend and a girlfriend.

 

So much for NC.. I saw her twice yesterday and then another two times today (within an hour!). I spoke to her yesterday but neither of us spoke today. I was doing NC to let her miss me and also to let myself heal. It just sucks now because we keep seeing each other in passing, so I know it becomes easier and easier for her to shrug it off and be over it. Since she sees me several times a week on campus, it won't really dawn on her that I am out of her life until she leaves after this summer.

[Dakota6560]

Hawaii, that is a very tough situation. I am Catholic and I can tell you my parents have instilled in me to marry someone who has the same faith so I can understand her feelings(I am just being honest). I don't know if I can truly be in love with someone outside of my religion. I guess you have to understand that her faith is very strong and had nothing to do with you. I know it is hard to explain but I hope me telling you this you can kind of understand that certain cultures are very, very serious about religion. As for the phone call stuff (her not waiting), was this when you started the NC because it might have had some anger behind it. I hope this post gave you some idea behind her reasoning for breaking up with you. I do understand where she is coming from but I don't accept the fact that if you love someone and they treat you well to break up with them for one reason or another. Keep me posted my friend.

[Dakota6560]

Hey RS, I am glad that you feel like what I said help a bit. That is why we are here right? As for your female friends telling you that you are a great catch. They aren't lying. They are your friends and they job is to tell you the truth no matter if you like it or not so believe them. Hey, I agree about getting to know someone first before being serious. That is what dating is all about. It's not about who you slept with or who you kissed but who you connected with. That is the ultimate and with the ultimate prize also comes the ultimate loss. But we must risk it. Even if it hurts like you and I are hurting right now. I always tell people that the greater the reward the greater the risk. Nothing that you truly want is going to be easy and that is why love is so difficult because when you have it there is nothing else like it in the world (love for your parents, pets girlfriends, friends etc..) Just keep up the faith that you will meet someone who will make you take that dive again and hopefull this time it will last you a lifetime.

 

As for her finding it easier and easier to miss you that is not true. I know that she truly didn't want to hurt you but had to be honest with herself. She probably has a hard time talking to you or looking at you because she is ashamed of hurting you. Ask your female friends and they will tell you the same. Believe me this breakup is hard on her too. I am sure she thinks about if she did the right thing or not.

 

Just try to be happy inside and it will show to everyone around you.

Keep me posted

[RegretfulStudent]

Well, I found out that she has been seeing a new guy. He is a coworker of two of her best friends. It has been 3 months, so I don't really fault her for seeing someone new. But there is some background stuff that makes it a bit uneasy..

 

She and I had actually broken up once before for about a week but then got back together on a Friday. We had alot of fun that night but the next day she was headed out of town to visit those best friends (they all live about 3.5 hours away). She had made plans with those friends while we were broken up and said it would look bad if she ditched them just because we got back together. Coincidentally, her friends were all going out for this guy's birthday that night. I even asked her then, is this about another guy and she assured me it was just to visit her friends. When she came back from being out of town she was real cold and broke up with me 3 days later.

 

After waiting 30 days (minimal contact), I went to her house to try and talk to her to see if we could work something out. She said no and that we both had a really busy schedule coming up with grad school. I asked if she was seeing anyone else, she said no. She even said she didn't want to be in a relationship for a real long time. Now I've found out that she has gone up and stayed with him and that he has come down here and stayed with her. They have always been in groups of friends, not any one on one couples weekends.. but I guess the relationship is just starting. I was feeling kind of low because I definitely see this relationship working because they live 3.5 hours apart and are trying to get to know each other- so basically it just comes down to weekend booty calls. But by the same token, there won't be any stress involved that can come with another relationship.

 

Anyway, I really want to confront her about this if I see her on campus anytime soon. Not like 'please reconsider and take me instead of him' but more just asking if it's more than a coincidence that she is seeing the guy whose birthday she went out for while we were dating. Thoughts?

[Dakota6560]

HEY RS, I am sorry it took awhile but I was out of town. Wow, I am sorry to hear how your relationship ended. My ex waited 2 days to meet another guy. Honestly, I know you want to ask her if this guy is the same one or not but I think the best thing to do is honestly ask yourself how are you going to feel if she does answer you. I know you want to comfort her but will it be comfort if you ask a question like that? I really, think you need to keep up the NC. That has helped me with everything and also keeping busy. I still miss her but the pain is not nearly as intense. So RS, think about what you really want from her. Be totally honest, I want to be friends with my ex but I want her back more so I keep the NC. So think about the question you want to ask and think about what kind of position you put her in and yourself. It will be awkward and uncomfortable for both of you. I just hope nothing happenend with this guy while you were together. I have no respect for people like that. So, think of how you would feel and react. Let me know what happenends.