Random Memories..

[Dakota6560]

Hey hawaii, I am back and the game was great. Keep me up to date with you situation.

[RegretfulStudent]

Hey Dakota, hope you had a nice trip. That's crazy that your former girlfriend started something with a new guy just 2 days later. That makes me mad and distrust women even more. As for me, I know that this guy is the same one as before. I was saying that I wanted to confront her about this, not comfort. The main reason is because she dumping me to get with another guy is easier to swallow than her saying he isn't the one for me/he didn't treat me well/etc because I have been beating myself up for everything I did wrong in the relationship. If it was for this other guy, then it's just a matter of the grass is always greener and she can have it. I am also really curious if anything happened on that night when she went up there for his birthday while we were together.

 

Also, if she dumped me for this guy she basically lied to all of our friends too. It goes from her being the victim that is getting out of a bad relationship to actually her tossing me away like kleenex to get with this other guy.

[Dakota6560]

I apreciate the concern over my ex but we can't distrust evey women. There are great ones out there. Remember, all we need is one! I do understand were you are coming from with your ex. You know I used to beat myself up for things I did or didn't do in the relationship too. But a frined told me that if they truly love you they will stay with you through the thick and thin. If she is with this guy because of the grass is greener thing then she will find out for herself that theory never works in fact I believe in karma. What ever you do to someone will come back to you. I have had this happen with some of my ex's. That is why I am always honest with them. I truly don't think you should confront her. You need to heal inside and the fastest way is to not contact her for awhile. Just a suggestion. Oh, the trip was great thanks

[Dakota6560]

Hey RS, I read this about feeling quilty and I thought you should read this. It might help. C-ya!

 

We all know what it feels like to feel guilty about something and many of us struggle with feeling guilty all the time. Guilt makes us feel that we are somehow unforgivable. While this experience is common, it is detrimental to our overall wellbeing. Feeling guilty generally promotes a sense of powerlessness-an anguished agonizing over a past action that cannot be changed. The problem with this is that it doesn't inspire us to forgive ourselves, make amends for mistakes, and move forward free of emotional baggage.

 

Originally, guilt referred to the fine paid for proven wrongdoing. Once you made the payment, in time or money, for what you had done, you were free-free of the sentence and free of the guilt. The problem with guilt as it is often experienced now is that it becomes a permanent state of mind for some people. In this case, it is a neurotic preoccupation rather than a fair assessment of wrongdoing followed by a course of action that leads to reparation.

 

It is part of the human experience to make mistakes and hurt others. There is no way to avoid this entirely, and wallowing in guilt will not help you or anyone else. It will not prevent future suffering. Understanding this is the first step towards liberating yourself from guilt.

 

If you are hanging onto guilt about something, the first thing you need to do is practice compassion for yourself; you are human and you make mistakes. Compassion and self-forgiveness are much more effective than guilt in helping you determine a course of effective action. You may need to make an apology, or you may need to make some changes in yourself. Know that with each action you create healing for yourself and anyone you have hurt. Finally, learn from your mistakes, but never beat yourself up. Know that you are inherently good, love yourself, and always do your best. Then there will be no place for guilt in your life.

[angel1211]

Hey Dakota, question on guilt. Do you have to physically apologize to the ex about the things that may have hurt her in the past or is it something I can resolve on my own? At this point in time, even if it has been over 3 months, I dont feel comfortable comfronting her about anything.

[RegretfulStudent]

Dakota,

Thanks for the advice and insight into guilt. I saw her today and still confronted her. I was being nice about it. I just said I heard about her new boy and thought it was very coincidental that he was the same guy that they all went out with a couple of days before we broke up. She said she even told her roommate that's what I would think and assured me nothing happened and that we were going to break up anyway. She said nothing even happened until a few weeks after we broke up. I told her she would have saved me alot of heartache if she had just told me she was leaving for someone else. I asked what happened to not wanting to be in a relationship for awhile. She said an opportunity presented itself and so she took it. She was kind of rude while we were talking. I told her I didn't want it to be like that and that I was happy for her. Part of me is sad when I think about her being with another guy. I can't blame her though.. I wouldn't mind being in a new relationship too. It hurts knowing she jumped into a relationship so quickly afterwards, I guess she must have built up alot of hate/resentment towards the end of us.

[Dakota6560]

Hawaii, the resolution of guilt is from within. It's okay to feel guilty but once you have gone through a period of feeling this you must realize that it is a lesson and next time you will better prepared. Look forward not backward or you might cause an accident. I know it is hard to get passed the fact that you have that guilty feeling and you feel as if you need to tell her but just realize it is best to understand that you need to forget about this young lady and move on to someone great and new.

[

b]RS, She is trying to fill a void. That is what it comes down to. Women can't be alone. That is why she is with this guy. They don't want to feel lonely and that is why they jump from relationshiop to relationship. THe majority of women you meet will have a very small window of time when they are alone. It has nothing to do with resentment towards you. Trust me. Please try not to bring up those questions with her again. It will make her feel uncomfortable and I don't want her to think different of you. I know the feeling of seeing or thinking about someone with your ex because I saw it but I have done NC for over 3 weeks and believe it doesn't hurt that bad. Actually I didn't think of her very much this weekend and had a blast. It will come soon enough for you too. Trust me but try to regain the confidence in yourself .That is vital. Think of all the good things you posses and repeat them. DON'T dwell on the negatives. I tell you this because this wil help you. Once you feel confident you will be ready to have a great relationship with a wonderful women. So think confident. Good luck [/b]

[angel1211]

RS and Dakota,

 

I discovered a powerful stage that I have been hoping to come by someday. I have barely touched the surface of ACCEPTANCE and boy does it make me feel better. When you accept things the way they are, your outlook on life is much more positive. It will happen to each of us when we are ready. Don't get me wrong, like I said, I am just barely scraping the surface of ACCEPTANCE and it amazingly feels good.

[Dakota6560]

Hawaii, That is great! Acceptance is a big obstacle. I am sure you are glad to see all your hard work is paying off and you are headed down the right track. I too feel acceptance and occasionally I think of what might have been but it doesn't hurt me. I just think about it and shrug my shoulders. Just keep up the positive outlook and keep reminding yourself of it. Don't be negative at all about yourself. Think positive and you'll be positive. The mind is a powerful tool. Great job Hawaii and I hope each day gets better and better for you.

[RegretfulStudent]

Hey guys,

I'm feeling alot better too. I wish I had been more mentally prepared before confronting her about her new guy on Friday, but oh well.. I have no regrets. I've felt great all weekend and even Monday (disregard the fact that I basically partied it up for 4 straight days). Yesterday I noticed I couldn't force myself to miss her- it was like my mind was exhausted and refused. Unfortunately, I saw her on campus yesterday and then I thought alot about her the rest of the day/dreams. I probably shouldn't have watched some romance movie yesterday, but I was on the couch recovering from a hangover and there was nothing else on. When I came to campus today I passed her again. I feel fine though. I think knowing that she is in another relationship helps me get over her. It's amazing that when you don't want to see someone, they always appear. Anywho, bring on some more ladies.

[Dakota6560]

Hey RS, that's great that you are starting to lose that hurt and pain over your ex. Heck I would to after partying 4 days in a row(you beat me by one). I know it can still be rough though when you see them out and you know they are with someone else but like you put it. maybe we need this to get over them. I am going today to the gym were she works out and last time I saw her and her new boy. At first it felt terrible and i just wanted to get out of there but I stuck it out. Today, the guys I workout with will be going with me and it should be better with a support group. I won't let her dictate my life. Just cause she is there doesn't mean I have to stop going there as well. I just think it kind of sucks that you see them and they don't say hi or see how you are doing but I guess that is the point of getting over someone. You very well can't if you keep in contact with them. I do agree with you RS about another thing and that is bring on the ladies. I am having fun and my confidence keeps going up. Here's to new beginnings!

[angel1211]

Glad to hear that you are feeling better RS. Dakota, I bet it sure does suck when you see your ex. I'm sure it sucks even more that she doesn't even acknowledge you. Women are really hard to read and sometimes hard to understand. Makes you wonder why they do certain things. I'm not gonna quit my job because I will be running into her. Like you, i'm going to suck it up and deal with it. Eventually, it will get easier. Time is the key. I look back to 3 and a half months ago and there I was in shock and disbelief. I was hurt to the very core. Now it is different for all of us. We don't realize it but we are getting better and making it through this. A friend told me once, if something ever happened to you, for example a terrible car accident, death (god forbid), would you want to go out miserble? (Sorry, kinda gruesome, just trying to make a point) You don't know what could happen to you the next day, the next minute. I force myself to be positive every single day so if god should call, I will not leave this earth unhappy. I hope i'm making some kinda sense.

[Dakota6560]

Hawaii, You are making crystal clear sense and your stance on life couldn't be any better. I too am starting to think that way and have been feeling better every day. Just keep thinking positive and you will be. AS for my ex. I see her and it doesn't hurt. Right now i am thinking of her and there is no pain. I go out and smile and say hi to people with a new open attitude. I love it! The mind is an incredible thing. What ever you think it will do. If you think great things about yourself you will believe them and so will people around you. I am glad to see you aren't going to quit your job. If you do it will project that you are weak and that's not what you are about. We are about overcoming obstacles and succeding. I gotta tell you I think your positive attitude is great and it is spreading to all of us. Keep it up because I am!

[RegretfulStudent]

After drinking liquor all day, I went downtown with a few friends. Right when we entered the porch area of the bar I saw a table with a few of my ex girlfriend's friends and then saw the her and her new boyfriend a few minutes later. That kind of made me mad, since that is a bar she and I used to frequent alot and she didn't even know about it until I took her there. I didn't say anything and just went inside with my friends. I stayed inside by the bar and some of her friends would stop and talk when they came in. They were being really friendly when they approached me, which was weird because I thought they disliked me.

 

I don't know her new boyfriend, but I know they met when she went out with friends for his birthday (while we were dating). I've been daydreaming about the chance to walk up to them at a bar and tell him happy birthday.. maybe even throw in a 'I hope you enjoy the present I sent' or something. I guess that's the smartass in me. So I finally had my chance and for some reason I decided against it.

 

Instead I just stayed inside and talked with a girl friend (who is gorgeous) the entire time we were there. I told her of the situation, so we had a little fun with it.. she played it up alot. I know it's wrong to do something with the wrong intention, but I couldn't resist. I didn't look at my exgirlfriend or anyone else. The exgirl and her boy even walked by a couple of times and I treated them like anyone else. I think the new boy even sized me up at one point.. that would have been fun if he chose to go that route. My friend even said that the ex was pacing and looked to be fuming that I was talking to her. I told her that the ex broke up with me, the ex is seeing someone else.. I'm not doing anything wrong by talking to you.

 

As an added kicker, I noticed the friend was wearing a pair of expensive shoes that I had bought for the ex for Valentines. We made sure to make those visible. I guess she'll have to wonder if I buy them in bulk or something. Part of me regrets not going approaching them and making that smartass comment while in conversation. I know that wouldn't have been classy, but it would have been truer of my emotions than the charade we pulled. Also, it helped seeing this guy and noticing that he seems more immature than me (if that's possible). But he must seem great since they are starting a new relationship with each other while living 3.5 hours away. It also hurt knowing he was going home with her. That's still hard to think about. Anyway, I just had to vent.

[Dakota6560]

Hey RS, I understand the pain you went through and you needing to vent. It sucks when you see your ex with someone else. i do agree that it is bull that she is hanging out at bars you introduced her to. I think it was very cool of her friends said hi to you. That means when she told them of the breakup she didn't mention any negative things about you because if she did they wouldn't of given you the time of day. Try to remember that. As for him. Forget it. If he is mature she'll find out sooner or later. As for her going home with him. Yeah, it used to eat me up too but know I don't care anymore. I think about it and it doesn't hurt. Everything you went through I went through. I am telling you that ugly feeling you have every time you think of her and him will go away. Just keep living your life and every opportunity to do things or go somewhere do it. Life's too short and we need to enjoy all the time we have.