Im confused.

[perplexed_one]

Hi everyone,

Im happy to be in a place where I can air my problems without the fear of getting mocked at..

 

Well here I am, pretty confused. Im thirty five, happily married for seven years, deeply in love with my husband- he is just everything I look for in a husband. He also loves me a lot.

 

I had been chatting online for past 5 years or so, since I have short working hours and a lot of time to do nothing.. me and my husbandd follows a total honesty policy, hence each of my chat friends are in touch with him by atleast occasional e-mail. Some have even visited him and me. Of late, I statred having a very strong sexual attraction to an online friend, when he visited me andd my husband in person, I was so exicted by his presense that I was dripping wet in his company.

 

I was convincing myself this has got no serious impact, next time I met my friend online, I told him about my attraction towards him and to my surprise, he told me he was also feeling the same way all the time, but felt bad to disclose it to me, a woman leading a spotless clean happy life.

 

Things changed a lot thereafter and I began thinking around the clock of having sex with him . When it becamse unbearable, I told my husband what has been going on. He was dumbfounded and could not believe this could happen to me and thought I had made up this story to test his trust in me. I was also very sad to see him shattered.

 

My husband advised me to cut him off our life, thereafter I never spoke to this friend. Over the long period of our friendship, I came to know of him very close and know very well he is just looking for some free fun when it was readily available. I know he is mean and cheap compared to the man I live with.

 

The problem is that I just cannot take off my mind the sexual fantasies I have about him. My husband can easily feel I am fantasising about him during sex and feels bad about it, though he understands I am helpless in controlling my thougts.

 

Only possible solution to get over it seemed to have sex with my friend once, which I am sure will be a great disillution to me and will instantly kill all my fantasies about this man. I know he cannot be a caring lovemaker like my husband, I know he will act selfishly. Probably that will make me hate him and hate my fantasies about him.

 

I discussed this with my husband. He was even more upset, but was convinced with my solution. He agreed to this, though in poor grace, since he did not have an alternate solution to my problem. He is depressed and moody ever after.

 

I know I am playing with fire, but for some strange reason it all looks logical to me. By acting out my plan will I be solving my problem or will I mess up my life? This fantasy stuff has to end somehow or it will take all the fun out of my life.

 

I just dont have any clue why this happened to me. I just dont know how can I prevent this happening ever again in my life. I just dont know whether my solution will work or add to the problems, but I want to test it badly.. Help!

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

Well it sounds as if you are in a bit of a pickel that is for sure fantasy or no fantasy. It sounds to me that as much as you paint the picture of a happy life, that something has to be missing at least from a bedroom stand point.

 

Even though honesty seems to be the best policy, I feel that in your case you were spilling your guts before you really needed to. Now that the cards are on the table, you may find your relationship allot different i'm sorry to say.

 

You were right about playing with fire, because once the trust is gone "it's gone" forever. I personally believe that a fantasy is healthy in many ways, that sure does not mean I'm going to share it with someone special unless that person would be involved in my fantasy.

 

As far as having sex with the guy and your husband says it's o.k. well that has me alittle worried. Once that happens your normally "history" at least you would be in my book. I'm not sure you will find the answer you are looking for, because the bottom line it is your choice. Choose wisely, or you may find your bags packed for you when you arrive home from your fantasy. You should have never told him, it was way to soon in my opinon.

Either way I'm not judging you, what I'm saying is be smart about all of this. After all ,you are in a way putting your life on the line for a cheap and mean person just to have a sex fantasy. You might want to re-think that, is the price to high ?.............my answer would be to hit you over the head with a very big club and say wake up girl ! """""THINK"""""""

 

However it turns out, I wish you well

 

You will find a very honest and supportive group of caring people here.

 

So Welcome ! You are in my prayers........these are 4-U

 

Warm Regards

 

Kuhl

 

8)

[DN]

You are thinking entirly of yourself in this and not at all about how your husband feels. Very selfish behaviour and you will be lucky if it does not end your marriage; it will certainly seriously damage it.

 

I don't blame your husband for his 'poor grace' - most men would have justifiably thrown you out.

[Hope75]

I have to agree with DN, I think you would be making a serious mistake cheating on your husband to find out if this other man is everything you think he is in bed or not. What difference does it make? You are married. You took an oath to forsake all others and respect your husband. Think about how little that seems to mean these days.

 

Ask yourself:

 

Is it any less then cheating because you told your husband? Is it any less disrespectful to your marriage because he knows about it?

 

What if this guy is something in the sack, despite the fact that you paint him as a selfish creep? Then what? Will you "need" to have sex with him a few more times to "get it out of your system"? What if you meet someone else online and have similar feelings? Will you need to sleep with him too just to figure out what's better? How much of this nonsense is your loyal husband supposed to put up with?

 

Now put yourself in your husband's shoes. Suppose he asks you if it's OK to sleep with another woman he can't stop fantacizing about? How would that make you feel? What would it do to your faith in this marriage?

 

It is still cheating and still extrememly disrespectful to your marriage and husband, and personally, I am apalled that he even reluctantly agreed to this insane idea of yours, I would have thrown you out in a heartbeat.

 

You are married. And to a wonderful man no less. Do you know how many women would kill to have a man who treats them with respect and cares about thier feelings?? What the heck are you thinking jeopardizing that??

 

Obviously something is missing in the marriage, but I think where you need to go and work it out is with your husband and a counsellour, not in bed with some creep who only seems to be looking for a free ride.

[manr]

Sleeping with that other person never solves a thing onlt leads to other problems. If u love ur husband and u want to be with him. Forget aboutthat other person. If that happens im willing to bet ur husband will never be the same.

 

the love trust and whatever u have will be gone if itsnt already gone.

[RandomAdvisor]

I agree with DN as well. You are being very selfish.

 

Your husband sounds like an amazing man and must love you very much to put up with all that you are doing to him. I would be crushed if I were him. You want to sleep with this other man even though you readily admit he's a jerk? I would have totally blown up at you if I were your husband! Some nerve.

 

You need to go to therapy over this. Either alone, or with your husband. Something is wrong with your marrige and you need to figure out exactly what it is. Having sex with random jerks from the internet isn't going to solve anything. It'll only serve to damage your marrige further than you already have, or end it.

 

You owe your husband a ton of apologies lady.

[perplexed_one]

I would ever be thankful for the advices and concern shown by you all.

 

I am aware that I have acted very selfishly and if for THIS ISSUE my husband left me, I would have never blamed him. I know what being married to him is worth, wherever we go, he becomes the centre of attention instantly and not even one week passes without some woman telling me how lucky I am to have him as man of my life. No apology would ever make good what I have done to his life. But the problem is I just cannot get this sick crazy fantasy of sex with that other man out of my mind. The harder I try the harder it sticks on.

 

I will go for councelling as you all suggest, but should I take my husband along? Isnt that hurting him even further, when he is not at fault?

[RandomAdvisor]

I will go for councelling as you all suggest, but should I take my husband along? Isnt that hurting him even further, when he is not at fault?

 

Why should it? I would advise going alone at first. After talking to your therapist and they can a handle on the situation, they can advise you if they think it is best your husband participate or not.

[melrich]

I think you both need counselling. You for coming up with the idea that the way to resolve these feelings you had for another man and get them out of your head was to have sex with him, him for agreeing this was the only possible solution!

 

You really should seek some assistance quickly if you are to recover what you have identified is a wonderful marriage.

[DN]

I don't think you need counselling as a couple at first - this is your issue and you need to sort it out on your own before trying to repair your marriage.

 

I would imagine that your husband is already hurt by this, so eventually you are going to have to mend fences with him. But I don't think that he needs to hear all about your fantasy with this guy in detail while you tell a therapist. Who needs the additional pain?

[Royltnxile]

I think you need to get rid of your internet service provider and stop chatting with strange men online.

 

You are lucky your husband hasn't asked you for a divorce.

[Hope75]

I agree with others that you should begin therapy alone, since this issue was more about you until you dragged your hubby into it by asking to sleep with someone else.

 

Start with just you, and see if the therapist thinks it is wise to have your husband come to later sessions.

 

A fantasy is just that, leave it at that. You made a commitment to your husband and you have no place asking to cheat on him, regardless of what ridiculous reason you think justifies such a request.

[TheVindicator]

I may be waaaaaay out in left field here, I could be crazy- crazier than snogging this online guy whom you don't know is free of STD's or that you won't become pregnant or destroy the relationship with your husband.....but.....

 

You couuuld go to a relationships counselor....

 

oy, I'm a genius

 

Oh, and don't snog this online guy