Rant (!TW!)

[schmoop]

I feel like I'm stuck in this constant loop. Nothing changes, it's all the same. Every night I lie awake crying, hoping that I can find a "freedom" away from this ***hole we call earth. I've tried shrugging these thoughts off but everyday they grow stronger. I only live to just exist and to just be "there" for others. I'd get therapy for whatever I have going on but I don't want to spend $60-100+ just for a session that I probably won't speak in. I wish I got help sooner into my childhood, I'm starting to gain violent thoughts. At first, it was mostly about inflicting it onto myself but now it's on others. I'm horrified that one day I'll actually act on it. It's all ***ing with me now, badly.

I'm running out of reasons to care about living. I've already ***ed my future lovelife up. I'm addicted porn, it's to the point where it has messed with my views on people, sex, and relationships. I've been exposed to it ever since elementary school, I'd stop but I feel like something is controlling me to watch it. I don't even get pleasure from it either, I just feel like I need to watch it in order to get through my day. I feel disgusted with myself. I don't know what to do anymore.

[DarkCh0c0]

I'm sorry to feel this way. This sounds very tough, and like you can't see the end of the tunnel.

Can you start by decreasing the time you watch porn, and join group therapy? Even if it's online and you don't want to talk. Individual therapy can help, but it needs to be with the right therapist who will push you outside your comfort zone. Until then, try group therapy. And, what about incorporating small healthy habits? Like going for a walk in the sun for 20minutes daily, Having a healthier breakfast, having a good sleep schedule, ect.? Have you been checked by a doctor regarding any deficiencies that may also cause you to feel this way?

You're not alone. Many of us have been through this dark forest at some point for different reasons, and there are ways out. Don't be too harsh on yourself.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, schmoop said:

Im running out of reasons to care about living. 

Call a mental health hotline. Or go to an ER. Someone will listen to you and direct you to the help you need.

Don't post "!TW!" stuff on the internet. It won't solve your problems. No one knows who you are and it's not free therapy or a substitute for appropriate medical care.

Suicidal and homicidal thoughts are a medical emergency.  Stop watching violent porn.

You know what to do. Call 911 or a suicide hotline.

[schmoop]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't post "!TW!" stuff on the internet. It won't solve your problems. No one knows who you are and it's not free therapy or a substitute for appropriate medical care.

Yeah, it's mostly out of habit from stuff I see on the internet. Thank you for your advice though!

[1a1a]

Can you sometimes channel that negative feeling into physical exercise? 
 

I think therapy is like a Band-Aid for an amputated limb, but it is still worth pursueing. Yes it’s expensive. Yes the first therapist you try might not be a good fit, nor the second, nor the third. But seeking no therapy at all pretty much guarantees your mental state will stay the same and it doesn’t sound like you are enjoying it at all.
 

What happens if you put aside the money for therapy each week. Maybe you can’t spare the whole payment, that’s alright, you don’t actually have this bill yet. Save up until you can afford minimum 6 sessions and then do the thing, speak to a mental health professional. And if that one doesn’t jive with you don’t be afraid to try another.

 

And while you’re saving, check out the Woebot. Woebot is as good a listener as an AI can be and will ask you good questions if you tell them you’re feeling bad. 

 

Walk forward. 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, Schmoop. The reason I would consider starting with multiple suicide hotlines is to learn whether they might direct you to lost cost or free resources local to you.

It's worth a try.