Advice on SIL

[melancholy123]

11 hours ago, Bluejay1 said:

 

Melancholy123 - Wow, I’m sorry... I’m glad it worked out to distance. Psychologist told me the same about last relationship. Until then, it didn’t really occur to me that I should just avoid him. You’re right the only thing I can change is my own reaction. Thank you.

It's no big deal now but thanks anyway!  It used to be a huge deal as I tried to wrap my head around her nonsense, which was impossible to do.  My brother was right, avoid her.  Life got better when I started doing that!  No way was I leaving my bf (now husband) because of her.  He is nothing like her and he knew she was crazy too.  People pandered to her, never made her accountable for her actions, so she had no need to try to learn to restrain herself.  She's still the same way, but has chased away most who know her.

Really, all you can do is avoid her as best you can.  If you can manage a family gathering or 2 per year, then go, if not, stay home.  For sure others can see what she's like but they know they cant do anything about her either.

[DancingFool]

1 hour ago, Bluejay1 said:

Boltnrun - Yeah he said he is willing to discuss and compromise and usually he’s good with that, so I believe it for now. He’s not enthusiastic about this topic (or discussing any conflict for that matter), and I was aware I’d prob have to initiate and find the therapist myself etc, which is fine with me...also willing to try several if necessary and unsure if he feels the same urge. I just found a few names in our area yesterday but have yet to call.

What I’m really hoping for is that he won’t be internally upset over this though if we do decide to try limited contact/vacations. Their family tendency to accept something despite being upset over it (and holding it in until they can vent), isn’t really what I want to perpetuate in my relationship with him (hard for me to explain precisely what I mean - I just don’t want him to be uncomfortable either). Don’t really want a certain cycle to continue, and yeah I guess this absolutely begins to tread in dangerous territory of changing someone. I just hope we can reach the best possible solution without ending the relationship, and I’m hoping that a therapist can help reach fair ground.

.... What concerns me about your post is that you are pretty much hellbent on forcing this to work. You are trying way way way too hard and carrying too much of the burden which is not how healthy relationships work between two compatible people.

You are literally pulling, pushing, kicking, dragging, looking up therapists, if one doesn't work you will find others, until you get the result that you want. That's pretty much THE game plan to end up in a toxic relationship with a toxic person who is actually wrong for you.

If he truly wants to find a compromise, then you and him should be able to sit down and talk about and arrive at a resolution that is mutually happy. You should not need a third party to step in for something that is soooo common for couples to have to address. If he has issues and needs a third perspective, then quite frankly, he should be even more invested than you into finding a therapist and resolving this. You are worried that you are pushing something on him that he will smile and nod about and then resent and...well...that's exactly what you are doing right now.

I would really encourage you to step back from this fixation of "I'll make it work" and take some time out to really evaluate the whole family dynamic, including your SO because at the end of the day, he is very much a product of that dynamic and it doesn't seem like he is really willing to step out of it. If he is willing, he needs to show more effort while take a step back and let him.

[Batya33]

I echo what Dancing Fool wrote about the red flag of needing a counselor for this.  Reminds me of when couples who are divorcing use a mediator to resolve custody and visitation issues.  That makes perfect sense- they are no longer together, there is tension, emotions are raw I imagine and a neutral third party will help them stay calm and focused.  But that's because the relationship is over. Not because they want to stay together.

Also it's a nonstarter if you have to find the therapist and basically get him to come - that's a poor dynamic - if two people want to work something out they need to be equally invested.  

I hear this story about my parents.  They were recently married and she wanted him to go to her extended family every single Sunday for lunch and the afternoon. Many in her family did not speak English and my dad didn't speak their language.  They were pleasant people but he was bored out of his mind and didn't want to spend every Sunday.  He wanted to go to museums, movies, theater - do stuff! 

So apparently they compromised on once a month.  This is just so typical -it's part of being a couple and getting married and if the couple has kids it gets even more "complicated" that way because then the grandparents/relatives want to see the baby of course, etc.

It's basically essential to an LTR that you are able to resolve run of the mill stuff like this.  The only reason it's not run of the mill is you two are on opposite sides of the "spectrum" because of this troublemaker family member. Many families have one.  

 

[Bluejay1]

DancingFool - My SO and I both want this to work and love each other very much; that part is mutual. I don’t want to give up just yet and I’m certain that he doesn’t want to either. I showed him what I was going to write before posting yesterday and he said to go ahead and ask for advice, and now we have more to work with in terms of discussing resolutions (with or without a professional).

His easiest way of solving this vacation problem is just sweeping it under a rug, so when I expressed interest in seeing a professional about it, he wasn’t excited because the easier no-fuss solution to him is for me to ignore his SIL. But I’m not really dragging or pulling him to a therapist either. He’s willing, so maybe a few sessions is worth a try?

My willingness to “try several therapists if necessary” is not to find one for the purposes of suiting my end goal, though I understand now how I may have sounded and I didn’t mean to come off that way. I generally prefer not to rely on one source. Also told my SO before that we could find both male and female therapists if he preferred, to see how their suggestions compare. My ex had formerly accused me of solely discussing our issues with female friends and thus was all unreliable confirmation bias because females are more prone to siding with other females (!), but it wasn’t my intent back then; they were just who my closer friends were. Still, that was an interesting point. So I find no harm in obtaining various feedback from different lenses when working through the issue. If SO is okay with one therapist, that’s okay too. I also have friends who met with several before settling on someone they were comfortable with.

I’m grateful for what you wrote before, because I wasn’t able to articulate precisely, yet outlining that feels like a positive step. We'll try to go through these issues together step-by-step, but not giving up yet. Thank you again!

[Bluejay1]

Batya33 - Yeah I hear you... does seem like a red flag because it shouldn’t be such a complicated issue that we need help resolving.

With his other family, there are no apparent issues as of now and in general I’m pretty easy-going, flexible, and accommodating when they’re around. There’s no craziness with them in terms of ethics or attitude, and they’re very kind. SO and I are able to work out daily issues fairly quickly too when it involves just us. Sometimes I adjust/give, and other times he does... and that part is normal and just as you described. Maybe the family vacations problem is more complex because it involves family pressure (and all the variables that come with that... pride, ego, expectations, etc.?), as DancingFool pointed out before, along with being on opposite sides of the spectrum, as you pointed out, on how to deal with toxic people.

If there was no pressure, there probably wouldn’t be this issue, because he’s normally very supportive. I'd like to be understanding and supportive of what he may be feeling that drives his negative reactions, while also maintaining my own sanity, and I hope we can balance that together. We haven't yet discussed a lot of these suggestions/topics in-depth that you have all shared (I'm out of town for a few more days), and maybe once we do, we can improve our understanding.

Congratulations to your parents! That’s great that they found something that works for everyone.

[Bluejay1]

Hey Everyone - thanks again for sharing your insight and suggestions. It's been tremendously helpful and I really appreciate it! 😀

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Bluejay1 said:

Batya33 - Yeah I hear you... does seem like a red flag because it shouldn’t be such a complicated issue that we need help resolving.

With his other family, there are no apparent issues as of now and in general I’m pretty easy-going, flexible, and accommodating when they’re around. There’s no craziness with them in terms of ethics or attitude, and they’re very kind. SO and I are able to work out daily issues fairly quickly too when it involves just us. Sometimes I adjust/give, and other times he does... and that part is normal and just as you described. Maybe the family vacations problem is more complex because it involves family pressure (and all the variables that come with that... pride, ego, expectations, etc.?), as DancingFool pointed out before, along with being on opposite sides of the spectrum, as you pointed out, on how to deal with toxic people.

If there was no pressure, there probably wouldn’t be this issue, because he’s normally very supportive. I'd like to be understanding and supportive of what he may be feeling that drives his negative reactions, while also maintaining my own sanity, and I hope we can balance that together. We haven't yet discussed a lot of these suggestions/topics in-depth that you have all shared (I'm out of town for a few more days), and maybe once we do, we can improve our understanding.

Congratulations to your parents! That’s great that they found something that works for everyone.

LOL they made this decision in the 1950s and then were married for 60 years.  So - you say he loves you very much.  On this issue - if you assume loving is giving - in what way is he showing love by insisting you be around a person in a family gathering who is acting in this way and treating you in this way? 

So I wouldn't generalize this - this is how he acts about his family.  It's an individual thing.  Individuals interact with family differently -huge range and huge range of logistics and practicalities too.  So you see here an example of how he reacts when there is a conflict between what you want and what he wants in terms of your presence at a family gathering with SIL. 

What I would generalize about - I understand you see this as a one off because typically it's not like this with other issues.  But he is this way about his family.  So - in general even if someone is acting this way he's going to want you to show up, look nice, be nice, etc.  If you have a child - not sure what the plan is -but if - would you be ok with him taking your child to a family gathering with her -and you're not there because you can't stand being around her? I'd tackle some of those what ifs because they're likely to happen given his mindset.

I don't think you break up.  But I think the risk in calling in the therapists -in interviewing a number of them, you doing the leg work, him showing up -is it could make the problem bigger.  And I am positive a good therapist will want to delve into related issues, root causes not just this concrete (seemingly concrete) issue.  Do you want to open the pandoras box? And through it all you won't be dragging him - but you'll be the driving force. 

You'll be the one sending him honey-do lists because each appointment will require him to schedule it in and be prepared for not "dragging him" but the "oh!! I promised to go on zoom at that time for a meeting about pairing our socks and cleaning out a junk drawer!!"  "that's when there's a rerun of my favorite Star Trek episode!!" Etc.    Do you want to add this to your busy life and not only take the initiative to find someone but then all the scheduling logistics?  

I recommend looking through Esther Perel podcasts -she had a recent one where she had the couple pretend that each time they had a private conversation at home the mother in law was present in the bedroom watching and controlling.  She's masterful at couples therapy and I've heard her delve into issues similar to the one you're having. 

Maybe you can get some tips -or find a book that has more of a practical approach to couples communication/family issues and read it together a bit at a time.  Rather than going the therapy route since -on "everything else" you say you love each other and compromise.  If that's true I'd try other ways for now.