How can I (20M) get back with my ex (20F) without being "pushy"?

[sebsan21]

So a month ago today on the 30th of July my long-distance girlfriend broke up with me. I am British and she is German. I was physically with her at the time when she broke up with me. It wasn't an easy breakup for her and it wasn't because the long-distance was too hard. I am very fortunate to have a job where I can work from anywhere as long as I have a laptop and internet connection so seeing her isn't a problem.

There are two reasons why we broke up. One is I had self-esteem issues and I was co-dependent on her. One of the problems is i'd project my insecurities onto her, for example she had more sexual partners than me and so i'd make "jokes" that she was easy and a bit of a ***. These were the kinds of jokes that weren't jokes. I didn't do this because I thought she was a *** I did this because I felt like I didn't have what her past sexual partners had and that she'd see through me and leave me for someone better. That was the overarching problem in terms of insecurities. I had opened up to her about my problems and she was trying the best she could but I wasn't doing anything to solve them. I relied on her for happiness.

 

The second problem was political. It wasn't that we had major political differences because we didn't but one day I made an offhand comment which I myself did not believe and I think it got into her head that I was serious and how that reflected on me as a person.

The breakup was hard for her and I know this because of how badly she cried on the day I left hers. I think it was a case of she still loved me at the time but long-term it would arguably be the best thing based on how I was and how I acted.

 

When I got home it all sort of kicked me into gear and I am very fortunate that I was able to pay for private daily therapy sessions to work through my issues. I have been on low-intensity Coginitive Behavioural therapy for coming up a month now and I've come a long way compared to a month ago. I'm not "fixed" but the difference is night and day. The thing is after a week of doing this therapy I sent her a big long message about how I'm taking positive steps in my life to fix my problems. I've also been reading lots of literature based around the particular sticking point we had and you're going to have to take me at my word when I believe this but it's introduced me to new viewpoints I never saw before.

 

She said it sounded like we had a chance again and we got talking again but then all of a sudden she said she just didn't think it was going to work out. I asked why and she said she just can't try and get back into things again via long distance when she isn't totally sure of it all. That is something I totally understood but I feel like if I hadn't pushed her for another chance so early on she might have believed me more rather than me telling her just what she wanted to hear.

 

I then waited a few more weeks and did more therapy, I've been seeing friends more, I've got new hobbies and I don't think about her all the time. I still want her back but have accepted it may not be possible but I still want to give it another go. I sent her a long letter about the updates in my life etc and how I've come on even further but this time I didn't mention getting back together or even hint at it. It was basically a letter letting her know how I am and how I've progressed since we broke up and that i'd be happy just knowing she'd read the letter. She gave a really nice positive reply saying she's really happy for me etc and that she wants the best for me in my future. The thing that threw me though is her saying that she still misses me and has really bad days without me. She told me she still has all our pictures together up in her room and I'm still the lock screen on her phone and it just threw me completely. I can take no for an answer but when she told me that I'm just thinking there's a chance again but I don't know how to approach it at all.

 

I don't want to be pushy again and tell her just what she wants to hear but then there's also the added complication of her being in Germany. I can't just fly over there and try and see her without her approval because that's just weird but at the same time I don't know what else to say to her so we can start talking again and I can show I've changed and that I don't want what we used to have. I want a new relationship with her as the "new me".

 

One of the things my therapist suggested for me to do after our first session together was to record a "video diary" where I film myself as though I'm talking to my ex about my thoughts and what I'm currently doing in my life. I wasn't sure if it was worth sending her my full video diaries showing my change over an entire month and beyond? Will that prove to her I'm not bull***ting and that I've not changed just for her? I can't think of any other way and i'd really appreciate any questions and advice you guys have. I know this has been a long read and I appreciate everyone's time.

Thank you.

TL;DR My ex broke up with me because of some issues I had which I've now spent a lot of time resolving. She's long distance though so I don't have a clue how to show her I've authentically changed and that things can begin anew and work again.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Bdole593 said:

she had more sexual partners than me and so i'd make "jokes" that she was easy and a bit of a ***. These were the kinds of jokes that weren't jokes.

Sorry this happened.  Breakups are difficult and you're trying to backpedal. However this is not salvageable and it was wise to end it.

You can't really come back from calling her a $lut.

 Continue working on yourself but for your own happiness, not to prove anything to anyone or get an incompatible ex back.

[SooSad33]

44 minutes ago, Bdole593 said:

It was basically a letter letting her know how I am and how I've progressed since we broke up and that i'd be happy just knowing she'd read the letter. She gave a really nice positive reply saying she's really happy for me etc and that she wants the best for me in my future. The thing that threw me though is her saying that she still misses me and has really bad days without me. She told me she still has all our pictures together up in her room and I'm still the lock screen on her phone and it just threw me completely.

Of course she'd still have all of that.  you two were involved.. Feelings don't end over night. It takes time for BOTH of you to work through the emotions, etc.

And no, a few weeks of therapy does not make you or your issue;s with her 'all better'.  But, keep going.

You should have NO more expectations with her.. As you need to realize that the damage is done now 😕 . The things you said hit hard, I'm sure.  And that kind of stuff, one does not get over for a while...

 

48 minutes ago, Bdole593 said:

I can't just fly over there and try and see her without her approval because that's just weird but at the same time I don't know what else to say to her so we can start talking again and I can show I've changed and that I don't want what we used to have. I want a new relationship with her as the "new me".

No, you don't do any of this... You need to just back off now.  Respectfully leave her be to spend some time on focussing on herself!

you are not giving her much of that.. by writing her letters and ongoing contact, every few days, etc.

You have given her NO time to work through her own issue's.  No room to breathe, etc.

IF she wants to 'try again', she will let you know. But, just because YOU want to, does not mean she does. ( and if you keep at her, you will push her away more.. so stop).

 

51 minutes ago, Bdole593 said:

One of the things my therapist suggested for me to do after our first session together was to record a "video diary" where I film myself as though I'm talking to my ex about my thoughts and what I'm currently doing in my life. I wasn't sure if it was worth sending her my full video diaries showing my change over an entire month and beyond? Will that prove to her I'm not bull***ting and that I've not changed just for her?

No.

Do this if you want.. even write it all down ( journal), but do not send her anything more!

Keep this for yourself.. she knows enough now.

......................

Like I said, respect her by giving her some distance and stop 'trying' so hard to prove yourself.

She knows where you are, if she wants to deal with you.

How about you just focus on yourself.. If you continue this way you may end up really hurt.  As I don;t see anywhere, her agreeing to 'try again' with you.

(she said, she wishes you well with your future - right?).

 

[MissCanuck]

59 minutes ago, Bdole593 said:

or example she had more sexual partners than me and so i'd make "jokes" that she was easy and a bit of a ***.

This is not joking. This is sl*t-shaming, and it's vile, abusive behaviour. There's no undoing that. 

1 hour ago, Bdole593 said:

I wasn't sure if it was worth sending her my full video diaries showing my change over an entire month and beyond?

Definitely do not do this. It's way over the top and suggests that you actually haven't changed much, and are still too needy. You need to start respecting boundaries here. Make the video diaries for you, but do not send them to her. She likely will not have the time or interest in sitting down and actually watching them all anyway. 

If she is curious about the changes you have made in your life, she will contact you. If she doesn't, you have to assume she is just not interested in seeing this new and improved you. Somtimes it's just too late, but you can take the lessons learned here and apply them moving forward.