How do you get over it when someone does you wrong??

[OrangeJuice]

First post but I'm hoping someone can help. About 3-4 months ago, I think I found out my boyfriend went on a weekend trip with his ex and some friends. The reason I say "I think" is because he's never come out and said he went. We had gotten in a fight before he went on this trip and so we didn't talk the whole weekend and he was supposed to be on a work trip. I tried to call him but he never returned my calls. Finally on the last day I called him from a friends house and he answered but kept saying "hello!, hello!" like he couldn't hear me. I got really upset after that because I thought he was still mad at the little fight we got into. He ended up calling me later that day and when I asked him, he said he wasn't getting reception where he was at so he couldn't hear me.

 

He took me out that night and we had a good time and everything was cool for about a week and we were having lunch one day and he flipped open his planner and on the weekend he was supposed to have been on the work trip, he had written Mexico and his ex's name. I asked him about it and he made up a super lame excuse and we didn't talk for a couple of days and then we finally talked it out and he swore it wasn't what it looked like.

 

Thats been a few months ago and even though I have told him I believe him and we have moved on (doing well by the way), I can't get the thought of the two of them together out of my head. I'm almost like 75% sure that it is exactly what it looked like. And then everytime he says he's working at night or on a weekend or something, I always wonder if it's the truth. Even if he went and it was innocent, he lied to me. How can I get these ugly thoughts out of my head and move past this? It's funny because if I call him and for some reason can't get a hold of him, in the back of my head, I start to imagine things and the longer it takes him to call me back the madder I get and by the time I talk to him, I'm fuming and ready to kill him even if there's a very logical explanation for him not calling. It's so frustrating.

[SilverManic]

The simple fact is with out trust in a relationship there is one thing... thats paranoia. I'm afraid your boyfriend hasn't been true with you so you have every right to feel hurt. But it will take you a while to be able to trust him again.

Personaly my boyfriend knows if he goes to see an ex he either takes me with him or he at VERY LEAST lets me know he's going to see her and why. If they are friends then it's not a problem but if their not then I'd be doubting his motives.

I know my advice isn't very good but thats my honest opinion. After he lied to you, personally I wouldn't ever be able to trust him again.

GL,

~S.

[blueangel]

If you want to have an honest relationship, then be honest. Not just with yourself but with him. TELL him everything you've told us here- not in a third person way but you know what I mean. Tell him about these doubts and little things in the back of your mind. Sit him down and tell him to just listen, and speak gently. It is only through a loving way, any messages can be sent and so confront him in a loving way. There's nothing wrong with having these feelings but if your boyfriend really cares about you, do you really think he would want you to remain in tumult, keeping everything from him? The answer is no. And if he gets defensive, keep your calm and say, "Please just listen to me. This may or may not be true, but this is how you have been making me FEEL." If you change your reaction, he will change his. Keep control of the flow of the conversation and once you're done, leave it in his hands, and sit back and listen.

 

If he tells you things you dont want to hear, dont get upset. Keep your cool because otherwise, he'll be afraid to ever tell you anything again. The real question here is not whether or not he did what he did. It's whether or not you will still try to make it work nomatter what. If he's going off and avoiding you, then obviously there is something deeper going on. And so instead of focusing on the actions, try to focus on WHY.

[DragonGirl724]

i couldnt agree more.

 

i was dating a guy & went to his house & on his calendar i was bored & i wrote "his name, is HOT!" and the next time i was there a messege next to it read; "he sure is!" and that caught my attention to something written in on one of the dates..."the shore with "his exs name"....i questioned him about it & he said they had plans to go. meanwhile i didnt care that they were friends but i had a bigtime gut feeling that there was more going on there. for one reason or another i dont think they went...weather or something. but still i didnt bug out about what i read...but my gut was saying elsewise...low & behold a few weeks later, (i still dont know for sure but i really dont care) his sister tells me that hes been cheating on me with his ex....i found out, CALMLY confronted him on it, & HE BROKE UP WITH ME for no explanation right then & there! lol. he jus picked up the phone, said we through & i never heard from him again....(lol, well until 5months down the line when he came crawling back ) but still i feel that reguardless of the evidence & i was totally chill about the situation BUT my gut said elsewise and now we're casually friends, & he still denies to this day he never cheated on me...but hes cheated before on a previous ex of his...so i figure...once a cheater always a cheater. does he have a bad track record?

 

it just goes to show you your gut instinct shouldnt be ignored. BUT you have to weigh it out for yourself. how much is this plaging you? is it burdening your trust in such a way that you cant believe any of his explanations as to where he is or who he's with? is it consuming your relationship? if so you 2 need to calmly talk this over. and i stress CALMLY because once one person blows their top then the conversation it will just spiral downward into this pit of disaster....so goodluck & i hope you find the answers youre looking for.

 

ps: welcome to the forum.

 

-DG724

[ForAnother]

I agree with SilverManic. I had that similar thing happen to me with an ex of mine. She went and saw an ex for a day, and didn't call me. She denied that anything happened... later I find out how much she lied to me in the relationship.

 

Anyways, during I had a very hard time trusting, and the same thing happened to me with everytime she didn't pick up, and the longer it took her to call, the more I questioned her motives.

 

We broke up over lack of trust.

 

Now in my current (and amazing) we have already discussed this out. If she ever saw someone that I didn't really know that she would take me with her. This may sound like a "distrust" kinda thing, but she told me she felt the same way. We have only been dating 4 months, but I am sure in like 3-5 more months it will become easier and more trustworthy..

 

But what you may learn from this relationship is that you must lay down your limits/rules (relationships teach you what limits/rules you have) so that you can have a better/trustful relationship.

 

What can you do now? I don't know... I never solved that myself, but I will never put myself in that situation ever again.

 

ForAnother

[Nebular]

I would tell him it really bugged you. From the way it sounds I'm guessing it's obvious to him too. It should be, anyway. Just tell him you don't like re-hashing old news but it really bugged you to see "Mexico" and his ex's name. Ask him nicely to tell you what that meant, I mean why did he have that written there? If he's an honest man and he loves you, he'll tell you without rolling his eyes or making a poopy deal over it. If he seems to not want to talk about it, or makes a fuss, then something might just be askew. Generally people have a problem talking about things they're guilty about, or so it would seem to me that's the case.

[temperamental_taurus]

You know that saying... "Where there's smoke, there's fire?"

 

Your intuition is telling you that something's up... little alarm bells are going off - listen to them.

 

A woman's intuition is a powerful thing - and so is history, which always repeats itself. If he lied/cheated on you by going to Mexico with his ex, he will lie/cheat again.

 

Talk with him, explain how you are feeling at this moment; whether it's a bit insecure, scared, confused... tell him you need to regain the trust that was lost during that incident. If he truly cares about you then he will be more than happy to rebuild that lost faith and never give you reason to doubt him again.

 

If you continue to not trust him, then there's probably a reason - like I said, listen to your intuition. Good Luck!!!