UPDATE - I think I caught him - What to do...

[Sally7829]

My bf -39- and I -26- have know eachother basically our entire lives. We did not start dating, however, until last fall, on the heels of significant (3+ years) relationships on both our parts. We likely started dating too soon, but we feel in love very quickly, and while we discussed if it was a good idea to get invovled so soon after we'd both left other relationships, we took the plunge anyway because the feelings were so strong and undeniable. In the 6+ months we were together, we endured a lot, including overcoming the complete-against-this-relationship attitude of my parents (for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which being that my bf was effectively my father's boss--hence why we'd known eachother for so long) -- recently my family had completely come around and totally accepted my bf into their lives. A couple weeks ago, his ex called him at home at 6:30 in the morning one saturday; he said b/c she'd seen us out and also b/c she'd been contacting him that week as she and her boyfriend had just broken up, and she wanted to get back together. That same day, he told me we needed to take a break. He told me it was to get his life sorted at work, that he just needed a couple weeks to devote to work, and he could devote the time he needed to to us. He said it was not b/c of her. I of course, did not believe him. I since learned that he went to her that very night. He did not deny it when I asked him, but said they did not sleep together. He has long spoke ill of her, and I want to believe him. He now wants to "end the break" and says the appropriate things-he is so sorry, she is not what he wants, I am, etc. I love him dearly, have gone through a lot with him, and have always seen a future together. I felt very early on in the relationship that he was "the one" and being with him--and the way I felt about him--explained to me why past relationships had not worked out. Knowing that he still explored a past relationship, when he had me, breaks my heart. I want so badly to forgive him, because I can see the rest of my life with him. But I fear now that I will never be able to trust him. His ex was completely financially dependent on him, and I've learned that in order to get her to move out when they broke up, he agreed to pay for an apartment for her for one year. So she will not be out of his life for several more months. Can I ever get over this deception, and should I? Has anyone ever experienced the same situation? Am I an idiot for wanting to believe that he wants to be with me? Will he ever be able to let her go, and can I demand that he cut all ties with her? I have her phone number. Should I call her and ask her what's going on, or should I just trust him at his word? PLEASE HELP!

[MiquelAngelo]

No you're not an idiot, in a way I've been there too. My ex was divorced for 3 years ,but once I went to her house (by surprise) and when she let me in I noticed she still had her ex's pics in the living room. Right then and there I knew something wasn't right. She denied any feelings for him , but I still had a hard time believing her.

I say go with your gut feeling no matter how you feel about him. When we have feelings for a person sometimes we refuse to admit things that we see as clear as day. He probably still has feelings for her, I know you don't want to hear that but it's probably true.

 

Besides if they don't have any kids there's no reason why she should be a part of his life.

[Sally7829]

He said that he will always care for her. And I know that I will always care for my ex too. I would never accept his request for me to cut off all ties with my ex, but I feel compelled to demand that of him. But yet I know he will say no. Which of course is unacceptable, if he truly cares about me. Logic is easy. But the emotional part is so hard. Part of my gut tells me to be patient, he's worth it. I am always so impatient. But the other part of my gut tells me these should not be issues in a healthy relationship. I don't know which part to go with.

[RandomAdvisor]

Logic is easy. But the emotional part is so hard.

 

That's right on the money. You don't sound like an idiot at all. You seem very level headed about the situation, despite being justifiably emotional.

 

You have a right to be suspicious of him. He told you he needed time to himself, but then went right back to her. Further, he didn't tell you he went to her (although he didn't deny it), you had to learn that from someone else. I think he does have feelings for her, and wanted to sort them out by seeing her. He was probably contemplating leaving you for when he went to visit. Of course she wanted to get back together with him -he was her sugar daddy. He did choose you though...

 

I'm concerned about this whole paying rent for a year thing. I can understand not wanting to throw her out on the street if they had an amicable breakup, but paying 1 years worth of rent seems like an unreasonable length of time to me. What is this woman's situation? How many months into the 1 year is he with the rent? Is he totally rich? Do you think it's an unreasonable length of time for him to pay it?

 

Depending on the answers to those questions, it might be wise to tell him to cut her off, or at least end the time he'll be paying the rent early. His ex GF is a grown woman. They're not together anymore. She needs to be taking care of herself.

[Sally7829]

They dated for about 3 1/2 years. She moved out in September/October, so there's still about 5 months left of him paying for her. I never got the impression that it was an amicable break up, but he ended it, and I think felt guilty, hence the apartment. Money is not an issue for him, so it's not a situation where this is placing any financial burden on him whatsoever. Frankly, this means nothing to him financially to have this payment. I think the issue is that he feels guilt for the way it ended (she thought they were getting married, he wanted out), and this continuation is a manifestation of that guilt. Does not help me, obviously. I want to ask him to cut her off. I just don't know if it will happen, and I would rather he be honest with me in the future (if there is, or should be, one), rather than feel as if he has to hide something from me. Does that make sense?

[RandomAdvisor]

Makes perfect sense. I was thinking the same thing.

 

This woman is still dependent on him. She has no incentive to try and take care of herself by finding a real job. I don't think this will change within the next few months. When the 1 year is up, she can just go crying back to him for help instead of taking care of herself. Based on the fact he was confused enough to "take a break" with you, and go running to her the moment she called him, and money isn't an issue, I think he just may do it.

 

I think you should put your foot down and make him prove he has no more feelings for her by cutting her off. He is not her father or her boyfriend. He's paid her rent for 7 months. That's long enough. Tell him to give her enough rent for one more month, and that's it. He should also break all contact with her. Be prepared for him to receive pleading phone calls from her when the rent is due and her lazy butt doesn't have it. If he refuses to cut her off, then you know he is lying to you and he still has feelings for her, and you should leave him.

[Luciana]

Sally, when I met my fiance he was still separated from his ex-wife. Separated means you can get back together and be married again. She would ask him for money besides the child support claiming she couldn't pay the bills. She had some bad dating experiences and would crawl back to him. She was using him.

 

When she met me, she went through the roof. She felt threathened.

So she decided she wanted him back. He was ambivalent and let her interfere tremendously with our relationship while causing me a lot of grief. She was the woman he still loved and the mother of his one child.

So when I saw how much interference she had, I had to put my foot down.

For example: he would pick up his daugher at her house (the girl was 8 at that time) and he would go and stay inside, socializing wiht her. He would tell her all about his GF's, like she was his confidante. When I found that out I insisted that he only had a parental relationship with her, and only discussed things to do with the daughter.

 

His ambivalence hurt me very much, to the point that all the pain came back during therapy this Monday (see post "My fiance is visiting his ex" on Trust and Relationships).

Things improved when she met a guy and moved out of state and married him. So she was out of sight. That made our life much bettter.

 

HOWEVER, her ghost still persists. Because she broke his heart, my fiance has never shown me the love I have wanted. He has been very commitment phobic all these years. I always felt like second best, although ultimately he did have a chance of staying with her when she went after him again, and he chose me.

 

So having gone through the ex-hell, I can tell you you should impose some limits, without seeming bit**y. There is no way he should be in a relationship with her and pay her living expenses. That is absurd, since they were not married nor they have children.

This guy has to start immediate NC with this woman. There is not reason for him to talk/see her.

[Sally7829]

I asked him if he still loved her, and he had no reply.

 

I asked him if he loved me, and he said, "of course I do."

 

I told him, "you can't be IN love with two people."

 

I don't know what to do, as I love him dearly, and don't know why he persists in having a relationship with her, at any level.

[RandomAdvisor]

I think an ultimatum is in order. Tell him it's her or you. Either he cuts her off and breaks all contact, or you leave him. If he chooses you, make sure he sticks to his word.

 

I know you love him, but do you really want to continue to be involved with a man who is still thinking of his former lover? If he loves you, he'll end all contact with his ex.

[Sally7829]

Well, he's cut off all ties with her. No more rent -- no more reason to get in contact with her. He's basically doing everything I ask of him, which is to remove her from his life or lose me. However, while I totally believe him that he and his ex did not "get together" the night he spent over there, my friends are saying that I am an idiot, and of course he slept with her. I truly believe him. He has been up front and honest about everything that happened, and is steadfast that nothing happened between them. Should I listen to him, or to my friends? And once again, the question presents itself: should I just call his ex? Or is that inappropriate?

[RandomAdvisor]

I wouldn't call the ex. She has every incentive to lie to you if you call her. If they didn't really do anything, and she tells you they did you dump him and she has a chance at getting her meal ticket back.

 

Just make sure he sticks to his word has has no contact with her. If you catch him talking to her on the phone, e-mailing her - whatever, then you leave him. But as long as she's out of the picture then you can focus on the future.

[Sally7829]

of course, the new problem is that i am paranoid. he didn't answer his phone tonight, and i convinced myself he was with her. by the time he called back (20 minutes later... felt like hours), i was a basket case. and he wasn't, of course. and as he said, he deserves this reaction for a while, but how long am i going to be paranoid about his every move? it may drive me insane.

[Sally7829]

We've been talking for the past couple of weeks, trying to repair our relationship. Today I was out of town. I got back tonight and went over to his house (unannounced) - I think there was some intuition in play. I hadn't heard from him all day. I drove up, and there was a car I didn't recognize in the driveway. I opened his garage door, and his cars were both there (meaning he didn't drive some buddy to go out to drinks tonight). Meaning he was probably home, with her. I did not go in to verify. Called his cell; it was mysteriously on (he ALWAYS shuts its off when he goes to bed). But no answer. Called his house. No answer. I really think it was her car. What do I do now? PLEASE HELP give me the strength to walk away, and not keep taking his excuses. I feel so weak and in love with him, and would do anything to make this work. Don't know why...

[RandomAdvisor]

Oh boy. You really should have gone inside...but I guess you didn't need to because you knew it was her car.

 

The next time you see him, casually ask him what he was up to today, and if he went out anywhere or hung out with anyone. If he tells you he spent the day alone, you know he's lying and you must break up with him.

 

He may admit she came over, and have a reasonable explanation for it. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt. He may admit she was there and have nothing to hide. Maybe she showed up unannounced? Who knows...

 

On the other hand, if he lies to you then you have to confront him and let him know you know she was there. Then you know what you have to do - break up with him.

[newts]

NO MORE SALLY! He just betrayed his last ounce of trust with you and he will do it again. It is obvious that he still has some feelings for this woman and contact to boot. I know you love him as most of the people on this site still do. When are we going to realise that he can tell you he loves you as much as he wants, however, unless he can move the world for you and prove to you that he is finally over this woman, NOWAY. You are young and intelligent, could you imagine if your family found out the truth how dissappointed they would be in not only you, but this man who is suppose to be your father's boss, somebody who he is suppose to respect and look up to. You deserve somebody better and younger. Somebody who knows exactly what they want. It is impossible to be in love with two people at the same time.

 

Leave Sally, leave. Never look back.

[Sally7829]

I keep calling him. No response. I'm going out of mind. I don't know what to do.

[RandomAdvisor]

Why don't you go to his house and try to have a face to face conversation with him? Do you think she's still there...?

 

 

I'm starting to lean more towards newts' position. No guy is worth the grief he's putting you through. Maybe you should just dump him and be done with it.

[Sally7829]

I did go to his house, thinking an in-person conversation would be the mature thing to do. He had locked the door (I have the garage opener, but no key). Apparently for 39, he's well-adept at acting as if he's 9. So, that got me nowhere. Avoidance seems to be his mantra. WHAT DO I DO?!? I am not the person that can just walk away; I need closure. I just want to end it, and he's not even permitting me to do that (by continuing to avoid contact).

[RandomAdvisor]

Before you said you needed closure and couldn't walk away, that was exactly what I was going to advise you to do.

 

Do you know for certain if he was home when you showed up the last time? Is there anytime you can go to his house when you know you can catch him, like when he's coming home from work or something?

 

At this point you definitly need to end the relationship with him. He's being very disrespectful of you. If you can't speak to him because he keeps avoiding you, the best you could probably do is just write him a long letter letting him know what a jerk he is, and then initiating strict NC.

[Sally7829]

I'm sure he was there, as once again, both his cars were there, and he never carries a key to his house - he just locks the door behind him when he's home. So he was home and just not answering my knock. This is ridiculous! But as much as I know that, I also know I love him, and that insanity is making me want to see him, talk to him, hear something. I want an explanation.

[RandomAdvisor]

Ouch.

 

I can understand perfectly that you want an explanation. But for him to sit in the house and not answer the door when you're knocking...it's so childish and so disrespectful. Maybe he was sleeping, but I doubt it. He's been dodging you for days.

 

I would continue trying contact him for a confrontation (that's what you need at this point) and some closure to end the relationship at this point. Don't let him sucker you into staying together! I know you love him, but this is one of those times you have to ignore your emotions. They'll steer you wrong in this situation.

 

I don't know just how far and long you should try to go to reach him. If he keeps avoiding you and not answering the door, answering phones...there will come a point where it'll be perfectly clear he's taking the cowards way out in ending the relationship, and wont contact you at all. Much as you might want closure, there's no reason for you to continue trying to reach him and degrading yourself.

[Sally7829]

He called this afternoon. Said he wasn't home either time - Last night was out with friends; one of them drove. Said I could have come inside and seen that he wasn't there. And then gave me the make and model of the ex's car and said I could verify if I didn't believe him. Said he was out on the boat when I was there today, hence no answer plus cars being there. Said he understands why hypersensitive, given his past actions, but then said I need to not think that every time he's unavailable, he's somewhere he shouldn't be. Everything he told me is easily verifiable (can ask friends if he was with them, etc.). That's no longer the issue, I don't think. Now the issue is the glaringly obvious one: I obviously have no trust whatsoever of him. And I am second-guessing every single thing he does. I hate that I have begun doing that, but don't know how to stop. And it's circular. I don't trust him, I get mad, then he doesn't want to talk because I'm mad and not trusting him for things he hasn't done. I don't know if or how to ever break free of that cycle. I don't want to be the GF who requires a minute-by-minute report of where he's at at every second, but that's basically what I am right now.

[RandomAdvisor]

You're right. The loss of trust is a major issue. Whether or not you're willing to stay with him and try to regain it is your call. As to how you can do that - I'm fresh out of ideas. Maybe someone else with some more experience on getting trust back can chime in? The fact that all his time is accounted for is definitly a good sign though.