I have to contact him because its obsessing me…

[nix]

The only way to stop this obsession is to contact him isn't it? I thought just a simple email saying hi and how are you etc might be ok? Or am I setting myself up for more pain? Although I don't know how I could possibly hurt any more that I already do.

 

There has been NC for nearly 3 months now and I cant believe he hasn't contacted me…but then I haven't contacted him either! He broke it off and was really horrible to me so I thought maybe he'd get in touch at some point but no. So now I cant stop myself wanting to get in touch…I need to know if he cares. If I don't I'll never know and I'll feel like this forever…wont i?

 

Please help I really need advice on this one…what should I do?

[sonjam]

Let it go. He doesn't care. You are going to humilliate yourself by contacting him. Even if it is just a hi, since you are not even friends anymore.

 

You have to stop the cycle in your head, and start focussing on new things, on you, and on other friends. You are making yourself sick.

 

STOPPIT!!

[coolchick]

Please dont contact him. Trust me, i thought that i couldnt hurt more than i already did but afraid it happened 10 times worse. I was with my ex for nearly 4 years and we split up 3 months ago. I tried to keep in contact with him but it was painful. Please read my post "Please Help Part 2" and hear what contact with my ex did to me.

 

Think to yourself, what is contact going to do? Him telling you he's fine, going out partying, meeting new people...etc. Please believe me when i say that even though right now you want to know how he is, all it will do is increase your desire for him back and you'll want to talk to him at every opportunity, you'll be constantly checking your emails and phone and each time he hasnt returned it'll bring you right back down to the bottom of the well. I did it and i learned the hard way, now i have changed my phone number and email address so that i know he wont be sending me anything and i wont let it overtake my life. Be strong, you've done it for 3 months! You know you can do it! He knows your email address and phone number...im sorry girl but he knows how to contact you if he wanted to...you deserve to be available for that guy who is going to love you so much that he wont ever want to give you up for anything good luck!

[nix]

I hear you Sonjam, thank you. Do you really think he doesnt care or is he just stubborn? How can he not care? I dont understand...

 

Our breakup wasnt too nice but we never really fell out. The last time I saw him was when I left our house, he apologised and cried and then we parted and I havent heard from him since. Except a text to say 'good luck with moving house' which was about 2 months ago (i didn't reply).

 

How do I stop the 'cycle' in my head? I do all the things i'm supposed to like go out, see friends, go to the gym, look after myself etc but I cant let him go. I think I just need him to tell me he hates me or something so I can really believe he doesnt care!

[Burning_Down]

How do I stop the 'cycle' in my head? I do all the things i'm supposed to like go out, see friends, go to the gym, look after myself etc but I cant let him go. I think I just need him to tell me he hates me or something so I can really believe he doesnt care!

 

It has only been 3 months. Give it more time. It's only at times like these that we discover how strong we really are.

 

"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

 

[Albert Camus]

[nix]

Coolchick, I read your story, sounds like you've had a pretty rough time too, thanx for your insight...its helpful when someone has been there and done it!

 

I think for me its not so much the need to contact him but the need not to lose him out of my life completely incase i'm just pushing him further away. I know I shouldnt think like that but I still want him back and if there is a chance then I dont want to miss it! If I ignore him forever and he ignores me how will we ever know?

 

If we are both as stubborn as each other then we could both be suffering for no reason, couldnt we? Although as everyone says if he really wanted me back then he'd get in touch but I really want him back and i've not gotten in touch with him!! How will I ever know how or what he feels if we carry on with this stand off?

 

I know I am a very strong person but sometimes i think my strength is my downfall as I hide my feelings too well and suffer terribly for it...alone.

[Rainz]

I understand how you feel after about 2 months of NC it was driving me crazy wanting to contact my ex. I thought about it and realised that after how he behaved toward me I did not want to "contact" him to hear his voice etc...because I was able to see him in my head for who he really was, and affirmed that I don't want someone like that around me anyway. However, it made me even more angry, we had broken up very abrubtly and suddenly , I had not gotten a chance to get some residual feelings off of my chest, so I decided to write him.

 

For me, I feel that has liberated me even moreso and now I barely think about him, or even miss him and I honestly wonder why I let myself get so upset, hurt etc, sad, over someone like him. Even if IO talk about him or someone talks about himI don't even feel bitter I just think how sad a person he is.

 

Even though I "broke NC" I still feel like I haven't because my letter wasn't about him, it was about me and how I felt and it has helped my healing so much.

 

So think about what it is you're trying to gain from contacting him first, you may feel you can let it go even moreso, than before.

[nix]

Rainz - are you suggesting that maybe i write to him then? What did you write in your letter that made you feel so good? Did he respond?

 

I dont really understand my reasons for wanting contact but I think its partly because I dont want to feel like i've given up, something like that anyway.

 

I had a moment of clarity about ten minutes ago that said who cares about him anyway just forget him and move on. But now I have just reminded myself that I care and I cant move on cos I need to contact him because i still love him!! arrrggghhhhhh! I'm driving myself insane!!

[sonjam]

Nix, if he cared he would have contacted you by now. He's glad it's over. Why try and keep contact if it is already over? Ive been there more times than I care to remember, I learned from experience. The hardest thing to do is to let go, ESPECIALLY if you did not have a raging fight to end it.

[Rainz]

Rainz - are you suggesting that maybe i write to him then? What did you write in your letter that made you feel so good? Did he respond?

 

I dont really understand my reasons for wanting contact but I think its partly because I dont want to feel like i've given up, something like that anyway.

 

I had a moment of clarity about ten minutes ago that said who cares about him anyway just forget him and move on. But now I have just reminded myself that I care and I cant move on cos I need to contact him because i still love him!! arrrggghhhhhh! I'm driving myself insane!!

 

He hasn't responded to my letter in anyway. I wasn't looking for a response from him. Nor was I looking for reconciliation.

I just told him what was on my mind, both good and bad, all within the context of our relationship, what had been good, what we shared, why things were so hurtful for me, how mistreated I felt, what I think of him and the situation that it's sad that things went the way that they did because they didn't have to and also wished him well for his life and that I hoped for his own sake that he takes stock of his own behaviour and tries to work on himself too.

All of this had been bottled up inside me since the break up, so it felt good being able to release it. People say to write but not send, but it felt better for me to get it to the source of the pain instead of just in my journal.

 

It was a very mature written letter. And people would say oh don't bother blah blah wouldn't care etc but I know if someone had written the letter I sent to him to me, it would make me "check myself".

Also I wrote the letter after some time had passed, not when the break up was fresh, but when the rawness of it had passed.

 

I think from what I'm picking up from you though is that you really are still in love with him and want to conatct him with a view to reconciliation possibly? If so then I think you should hold off from making contact and process your thoughts and feelings some more.

[Wimpy]

I'd concur with what Rainz said here. I waited nearly 3 weeks after my ex broke up with me (in an e-mail!) before I sent him a letter telling him how what he'd done had made me feel. I had to wait that length of time to filter out the anger, hurt and general "how could you do this to me" tone. It helped but I admit I hoped for a response but didn't drive myself mad. I was already spending every day checking my e-mail to see if he'd written so I figured why not send this and tell him how I feel.

 

Unlike Rainz I didn't wish him well. He'd hurt me way too much for that and I admire her for being able to do it. But neither did I wish him harm. I simply reminded him that what he'd done had been against all we'd agreed (before he left my country) and that I actually deserved far more than he had done. I take it as a further measure of the man that he's made no attempt to respond.

 

It is 7 weeks since he dumped me in an e-mail (10 days before I was due to fly out and see him) and it's thereforeeee 4 weeks since I wrote the e-mail.

 

The only good thing is that I can hold my head up high and sleep at night knowing that I only EVER treated him well and in a loving way. He, on the other hand, must deal with the way he ended things between us.

 

My only revenge, it seems, is that he wanted me to still visit as "his friend" but I just never turned up. In the end it was ME not HIM who defined the parameters of our relationship - he dumped me so he wasn't going to have me as a friend either. If he's to be believed he once told me that he hoped he'd never lose my friendship as it meant so much to him. So much he treated me like C**P ....He expected me to go from head over heels in love with him to "friend" in 10 DAYS! He must be mad. He gambled on my love lasting forever but in the end I wised up and saw him for what he was...a user who simply had a great time for 2 years whilst he was here but then the minute he returned home he dropped me.

 

All our mutual friends are appalled so I doubt he'll keep in touch with them either. In the end HE lost out more than me...I just need to convince myself of that fact.

 

Don't contact him. It will only salve HIS conscience.

 

I don't ever intend easing my ex's conscience as he simply doesn't deserve it. I am tempted every day to contact him as fundamentally I miss him - but I miss the fantasy relationship I THOUGHT we had - not the reality of what's been my living hell for the past 7 weeks.

 

Be strong.....

[annie24]

Here's the thing - if you are obsessing about not talking to him, you will be obsessing even more as to why he's not returning your e-mail/phone call/whatever.

 

Or, if you do get in contact, you will continue obsessing as to why he's not calling you again.

[Royltnxile]

I liked your post Wimpy. I feel the same way about my ex. After she dumped me on Valentines Day quite out of the blue and over the phone, I waited a week to return her first call after the initial one...we talked for over an hour about how great dating was. She can't handle relationships and feels she is better off alone (she has issues bigtime with herself). Anyway, 2 weeks more pass and she's calling me like crazy. Her birthday came and I sent her flowers and a book with nice sentiment in it that related to her...she wanted to just pop in and see me at the bar where I work part time...and she was worried about how my friends were going to view her....and she kept asking me about a few female friends of mine who she had met through me and really got on well with...she wanted to keep in touch with them and hang out with them, even though she didnt even have any of their phone numbers....this pissed me off and weirded me out because those are MY friends, not hers....and those same girls do not think too highly of her anymore, after what she did to their boy (me).

 

Anyway, I thought of it like this: "Overnight you decide that I"m not good enough to be your boyfriend anymore...what makes you think you are good enough to be friends with my friends?" That's what I should have told her.

 

I can totally relate to thinking that it was HER loss, not mine. My life is much more interesting than hers, I have great friends, involved in alot of activities..etc...etc....she's missing out on ME AND MY LIFE...not the other way around. And I"m better off for it!

 

So keep the faith my friends. Don't call them. Don't contact them in any way...I'll elaborate more in my post to Rainz.

 

As someone has said. They know we are here, and know where to get ahold of us should they desire. I still want her, even though I realize there is better out there. However, SHE chose to push me away, and I have vowed not to chase her. Eventually, we will hear from these screwed up ex's of ours and then it will be OUR CHOICE how we handle it.

 

If I were to see her and speak with her again anytime soon I think I would say to my ex: "You are the one who has chosen to run the risk of losing me forever...because YOU changed the dynamic of the relationship by your behavior...the day will come when you will realize how good we are together and you will want me back....but the big question that's going to be floating out there is "will he want me back?"." So by dumping us, our ex's have set us free...and THEY are the ones who will have to work to get us back, should they decide to reconsider. In short...THEY F*CKED UP DIDNT THEY? =)

[Rainz]

Unlike Rainz I didn't wish him well. He'd hurt me way too much for that and I admire her for being able to do it.

Thanks Wimpy, it wasn't at all easy to get to that. I have been building myself up spiritually since the break up, so that's why I was able to "wish him well" Also the fact that I'd had a rapport with him long before we got together as well eased my well wishing thoughts along too.

 

The only good thing is that I can hold my head up high and sleep at night knowing that I only EVER treated him well and in a loving way. He, on the other hand, must deal with the way he ended things between us.

That's how I see it to, I can bump into him and not feel any way about things, I don't have to look up, down, left , right and every place BUT at him when that times comes. Because on the whole South London is a "small place", we know people in common and our paths will cross again.

 

In the end HE lost out more than me...I just need to convince myself of that fact.

Too right, I'm with you on this one too! My ex needs me far more than I need him!

 

Generally I don't shink she should contact him. So far I've never done any begging, pleading or anything with my break ups.

Other than with this recent ex and one from years back, I've done strict NC and never looked back. Even with this ex and the ex from years back this is the mmost I've done write them "closure" letters and that's it.

 

The old ex got in touch with me after receiving the letter though and we re-kindled for a while but it still fell apart in the end. Years down the line he seems more guilty about the break up than at the time, but that's whole other topic, thread and story!!

[bittersweetly healed]

i like what people have been writing on here...since they set us free, they really are the ones who must deal with it. but do they deal with it? i mean really? i kinda hope so. he was so immature i feel he will never contact me ever again and will be mean forvever insisting he was the victim.

[Dakota6560]

I truly hope you don't contact him. I understand you feel as if you need some sort of closure to see how he is doing but understand this, He is a fool and will not understand what kind of person he has lost. You don't want a fool like that to maybe one day be the father to your children. If he hasn't contacted you now I dont' suppose he will anytime soon and I believe that is a blessing in disguise. I believe like everyone else in here that we understand your pain and heartache. This is why we don't want you to hurt anymore. I believe everyone here didn't deserve to be broken up with but unfortunately we have and the best way to get back at that person is to live life! Don't wallow in your own self pity. I know it is the hardes thing to do but you must do it for your self. Just go out and do something that makes you happy and when you are there smile at everyone like you own the place. Be proud of yourself and remember all the wonderful things that you posses. Don't dwell on the negative (which wasn't your fault to begin with). So if you do one thing today go somewhere anywhere and if you see someone smile. I can't tell you how that makes me feel when I smile and someone smiles back and then maybe you will realize that there is life out there and you need to be a part of it.

[nix]

Thank goodness I didn't contact him…I have you guys to thank for that. I just found out that he got engaged!

 

The pain I feel now is excruciating and I am in shock and total disbelief that someone I trusted, loved and respected could do such a thing. Our relationship has been such a lie and I feel so stupid.

 

Everything I worked for and created has been given to her so easily, everything that should be mine. And me I'm left with nothing and he doesn't care. How do you ever learn to trust again after such a harsh betrayal?

 

Even worse is that I know the girl he is engaged to and he has known her for a very long time. Why didn't they get together before this? Can friends suddenly have such intense feelings for each other, or are they fooling themselves? Desperate?

 

I don't know what the answer is or how to deal with this either so over to you wonderful people, what is this all about?

[Rainz]

Nix,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't even know what to say....I just thought you were going to say that you found out that he's seeing someone else, not that he's engaged. Wow, that really is a heavy one.

 

People like that, if they can walk away from you and turn around so soon and become engaged, they can turn away as quickly and abruptly and walk away from their engagement and their marriage too.

You don't need somebody like that in your life.

 

Perhaps now you have heard this, you can trake this as being the closure that you need to move on emotionally??

[nix]

I almost feel like he's done it to spite me, in fact alot of people have said that to me. Although I feel like I dont know him any more I know that underneath his facade I do and that is totally the sort of ridiculous thing he'd do!

 

Suppose all this does give me some sort of closure but god help me it hurts like I never felt pain before. And I absolutely dont need someone whom is so weak willed and psychologically disturbed as he is. Just wished i'd realised all this a long time ago.

 

It just makes me so sad that he has destroyed us in such a brutal way, it still hasnt sunk in!

[Dakota6560]

NIX, I undestand exactly what you are feeling. To make this short I was in love with this girl and I thought she was the one. She had this friend that she grew up with since elementrary. Well, his father got ill and she comforted him. Well, she tells me she loves him. When you found out about your guy being engaged is probably the same way I found out about her. I wish I could tell you how friendship can lead to romance after such a long time of being just friends. Nix, I know this hurts and if you believe in God or some other religious being just remember this guy wasn't the one for you. Your faith where ever it may land would never let this happen to you. All this is doing is preparing you for the one true love that when you do find him it will be the greatest days of your life and his. Please try to think about that

[nix]

Rainz - Thank you so much, you put a different perspective on how im thinking, thanks for that I need it right now. He is exactly like that can walk away or turn his back on anything if he chooses and you are right I dont need someone like that, that fickle in my life. In a way it has helped me gain closure because now there will never be a chance of reconcilliation so hopefully I wil be able to move on.

 

Dakota - He so wasnt for me but why didnt I see it, why didnt I listen to my family and friends telling me so right from day one? Love is so blind but next time i'll make sure I wear glasses and carry a white stick just in case!

 

Thanks for your support it really means the world at the moment

[Dakota6560]

Nix, of course we don't see it from the beginning and even after it ends but I can't remember a relationship i have had in the past couple of years and thought "What was I thinking?" I guess we are blinded by the fact that this one might be the one. The person who will be here forever. Or at least we try to make them out to be. It will come Nix, we must keep the faith and when it does it will be even sweeter after everything we have endured. I know this is going to be a painful time for you but please believe that you will meet someone worthy of your love. It will come