A question for those couples who have gotten back together..

[blackberry]

how long did it take? months? years? Did both parties adhere to the NC policy leading up to the rekindling? I would just like to hear some good reconciliation stories. thanks guys

[Liquidius]

Well my story isnt exactly what you want, but its kinda on subject none the less. I was dumped a month ago - neither of us are doing the NC thing, but at the moment we are fantastic friends! We have really come along since we split up, and with time I think a relationship could happen once more

[ger_in_love]

guess the number of replies is an answer in itself we all are still waiting

[Larz]

I know you are looking for hope.

 

Just do the NC thing. Those who disagree with NC are truly not programmed to fight the good fight.

 

If someone leaves you, then they have set the precedence. It is NOT your place to seek them out.

 

You can only do so much. There are so many single people out there (and believe me, I would never have thought this) who are in the same place as you.

 

Be patient. Things have a way of working themselves out. Listen to your family. They know.

[pappylove]

It does happen - more than I think this board would indicate. In my knowledge you are talking a minimum of nine months with and without periods of NC in the interim for the reconcillation to be stronger if it does happen and in a way for the breakup to strengthen the relationship. The longest I know is about 40 years if you can believe that - an Aunt of mine after the death of her husband - nice story. However I think people are right to tell you to get on with your life and accept the breakup. It's a cliche but if it's meant to be it's meant to be. But unfortunately for you - for those of us who have been dumped it's just not our decision. Still doesn't make things easier but if someone has decided to breakup with you that is their goal and nothing you can do at the start will change their mind, probably just push them away. Look after yourself first. Use the time for NC to heal yourself, to identify your weaknesses, what you did wrong - it's rarely just one person's fault, and whether it would be worth and healthy getting back together. Sooner or later they will stop running and perhaps reconsider, if you are happy, content, and living life to the full and they do reconsider you are alot more attractive than someone begging, pleading, and depressed. You are more likely to meet someone-else and have and better chance of long - term success. Basically don't give up on yourself - you know what you need to do but your emotions and insecurities make it difficult. I know because I struggle everyday but I won't give up on myself.

[blackberry]

pappylove,

 

i just wanted to say that your reply just hit the nail on the head. Like many others on this board, I've been dumped, sending me to the deep depths of the unknown. For the first four months, I felt stranded, but felt as if I was getting stronger by the day.

 

Fast forward a month to today, 5 months after the fact, and I'm content with how things are. I've realized what you just posted...that is, I can't change the way she feels. I can only worry about myself, my family, and my closest friends, because those are the ones who will stick it out through to the end with me.

 

I'm on a great path and on the right track to leading my life back to a sense of "normalcy," and I know that this next chapter of my life will be better than the rest of the chapters already written.

 

I thank all of you for your input and great insight. You guys are wise beyond your years, and I hope to be as helpful as you all are to this forum. Thank you.

[dazed_and_confused]

well my success story is titled in love and confused...not ne more...read it its got its all in there for ya..

 

everything worked out for me...and we got back together...each relationship is different and it all depends how bad the breakup was on how long things will take to work out, or not.

 

my break up was pretty bad and it took him 2-3 weeks to realize what he lost...we played the nc thing and i got another boyfriend...he didnt like that too much...just relax and have fun...be yourself and if he loves you he'll come back... just read that article...its got some good stuff in it...

 

thanks and good luck!

[pappylove]

Blackberry,

 

Reading you later post made me laugh - not at you - but myself. I've always been of the opinion it's easier to give sound advice to someoneelse than to act on it yourself. This is definitely true in my case.

 

My problem seems to be when I'm not anxious or worried I don't doubt there will be a reconcilliation(could just be thinking a reconcilliation will happen relaxes me). It's when I'm emotional I think its over and all my insecurities about the future surface. This is more than likely just holding back acceptance and healing but its just the way things are for me at the moment. Have to accept it.

 

I'm still spinning circles and I made some mistakes - it's really only recently I've learnt that its ok because I'm only human. Actually I've learnt alot because of the breakup. It's a bit off track but I wonder if others feel that in many ways breaking up has actually improved them as a person and their understanding of what a real relationship is and needs? I do. Obviously this be of benefit to me whatever does happen.

[Ripples]

I know exactly where you are! It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days nothing can touch you as your optimism reaches new heights and other days that little voice in your head keeps telling you that you failed with the love of your life! You subsequently begin to spiral downwards as all the memories start flooding back.

 

This is why time is a great healer. Although the peaks and troughs continue you are actually moving slowly upwards from the time when you were at the lowest of the low. Another way of looking at it is that your healing journey is a spiral moving upwards. Every once in a while you come back to that emotional area but in reality you have moved on.

 

What makes things easier is knowing how to put those emotional thoughts out of your mind whenever they start creeping back in. You must learn to banish them the moment they appear.

 

My NC thing has been going on for nearly 6 months but in that time she has come back about 3 times just to find out where I am at and what I am doing. Once she has what she wants she vanishes again. If anyone can tell me why she would do this I would be happy to hear your thoughts. I haven't seen her at all in that time. I think she just wants the option.

[blackberry]

it sucks that she's doing that to you, Ripples..trust me, I've gone through and am going through the same deal with my ex-gf. The one part that bothers me is where you say that she may just want you as an option.

 

I get the feeling that my ex just wants me there and continues to give me attention only b/c I would be an option to her if she found nobody else. To heck with that, to heck with options...she was my first priority, not my first option. i don't understand ex'es sometimes...okay, all the time.

[Ripples]

The good thing is that as you get stronger through NC the roles will reverse. She will become your option and she'll know it! Thats when she may (but may not) begin to want you to be more than just an option again because she is losing her control! Every time mine comes back the first thing she wants to know is if I am with anyone. Last time round I told her I had been on a few dates but nothing heavy. That made her think. Remember people seem to want what they cant have - that is why we (you and me) hurt really!!!

 

The key is to get to a stage in your healing through NC when you really can live without her. This will bug her big time. If it doesn't, what do you care!

[shockeddismayed]

Blackberry....

 

I couldn't have said it better than Pappy...

 

Those are the keys... basically... GET HAPPY again. Everything after that is gravy.

 

I've personally known (in real life) and helped (online) several couples who ended up back together.... and many more who did not end up together.

 

Those who ended up together... it took several crazy months of (as much as possible) NC... then several months of HARD work... REALLY HARD WORK... followed by months of happiness and HARD WORK.

 

Once trust is shattered, it required tremendous strength on both sides to build it back up again... and daily affirmation to keep it healthy.

 

In most cases, it is easier to move on.... but for those who make it work, at least they know where the holes are in their relationships.

 

The key point is always this: You must realize that YOU need to focus on your own happiness... if you focus on "winning them back" entirely, it takes away from your happiness, and you will continue to re-injure yourself.... digging a ditch under the relationship, to the point where any possibility of them making up for what they did to your self esteem AND what YOU did to your self esteem is unlikely.

 

So build yourself up... and if you must, motivate yourself with the knowledge that the sooner you do, the sooner they will be drawn back to you.

 

Good luck!

[quing]

Did any of you who are doing NC ever say to your ex's that you don't do friends afterwards?

I have been doing NC since day one of our split just over a month and a half ago so she could get to know a guy she thought she liked.

I never begged her to stay in fact I tried to encourage it as a part of reverse phycology (that was hard) and it made her come back to test me to see if I was for real.

I have also recently rejected my long term ex's friendship and I tried to pull away when she tried to hug and kiss me when after 2 refusals from me to meet up with her.

It has gone quiet now for 2 weeks and she has still not collected all her belongings in which she said she would the following weekend after me rejecting friendship and saying I won't call her after she pleaded with me.

 

I think she is still waiting to see if I will call.

I did break NC the other a week ago and emailed politely to tell her her stuff was boxed ready for collection and that she had a lot of mail waiting.

 

I know I am preparing to let 6 years go altogether because she did the dumping and running but I can't believe she will.

 

Well we will see, I would like her to start pestering me, but maybe because that's what I want inside, it won't happen.