pappylove

And I have to agree with Roofergirl23. Sometimes people have to work out their own problems before they can commit to themselves let alone another person, no matter how much they may care for the other person. Some of the most stable couples I know went through some very difficult times and long periods apart before everything finally worked for them. Sometimes the problems people have are just too much for them - you see this in all aspects of life - not just relationships - and sometimes a relationship, no matter how good, is seen as an extra pressure. I like this site and alot of the advice is great and very helpful but don't stop people hoping just because your own experiences did not go the way you might of hoped. I know the advice given in most cases is sincere and to help protect people against unrelistic expectations. But there is nothing wrong with a little hope as long as a person realises things might not work out as they want and prepare for the worst as well as the best. Hell, if people did not have hope for things working out how they wanted no one would grow, improve, or take any risks in their lives. The world would be alot more boring.

I think NC also allows a cooling off period for both parties to try and work out what they really want and even a period for the dumper's to re-evaluate their position and maybe, if the case, deal with their fears/insecurities/ doubts so that they can talk to the ex again without feeling compelled to turn and run. So I don't think NC for a reason outside Healing which I would agree is the main benefit is always game playing.

Blackberry, Reading you later post made me laugh - not at you - but myself. I've always been of the opinion it's easier to give sound advice to someoneelse than to act on it yourself. This is definitely true in my case. My problem seems to be when I'm not anxious or worried I don't doubt there will be a reconcilliation(could just be thinking a reconcilliation will happen relaxes me). It's when I'm emotional I think its over and all my insecurities about the future surface. This is more than likely just holding back acceptance and healing but its just the way things are for me at the moment. Have to accept it. I'm still spinning circles and I made some mistakes - it's really only recently I've learnt that its ok because I'm only human. Actually I've learnt alot because of the breakup. It's a bit off track but I wonder if others feel that in many ways breaking up has actually improved them as a person and their understanding of what a real relationship is and needs? I do. Obviously this be of benefit to me whatever does happen.

It does happen - more than I think this board would indicate. In my knowledge you are talking a minimum of nine months with and without periods of NC in the interim for the reconcillation to be stronger if it does happen and in a way for the breakup to strengthen the relationship. The longest I know is about 40 years if you can believe that - an Aunt of mine after the death of her husband - nice story. However I think people are right to tell you to get on with your life and accept the breakup. It's a cliche but if it's meant to be it's meant to be. But unfortunately for you - for those of us who have been dumped it's just not our decision. Still doesn't make things easier but if someone has decided to breakup with you that is their goal and nothing you can do at the start will change their mind, probably just push them away. Look after yourself first. Use the time for NC to heal yourself, to identify your weaknesses, what you did wrong - it's rarely just one person's fault, and whether it would be worth and healthy getting back together. Sooner or later they will stop running and perhaps reconsider, if you are happy, content, and living life to the full and they do reconsider you are alot more attractive than someone begging, pleading, and depressed. You are more likely to meet someone-else and have and better chance of long - term success. Basically don't give up on yourself - you know what you need to do but your emotions and insecurities make it difficult. I know because I struggle everyday but I won't give up on myself.

I have found this forum very helpful, mostly notably in that it makes you realise you are not the only person in this position. It is also very interesting to read the views of those who have gotten back together and broken up again and even those who did the breaking up. The advice is very good especially no contact if used to get yourself back on your feet. Actually I doubt that a reconcillation could work if both parties did not change in one way or another. However I, without wanting people to have false hope, believe the chances of people reconciling and getting back together are not as low as most posters seem to indicate. In my own knowledge it is not uncommon, and these couples are still together, married, and very happy. Perhaps it is because they both changed, the break up forced them to change and the ties they created were too strong to walk away. However in these cases the time apart wasn't days or weeks but months and even years. These cases are the exception rather then the rule. I wish everyone success. I definitely do not, I repeat, want to give people false hope, but if after really looking at yourself, the relationship, and whether getting back with the other person would be healthy for you and they, most importantly, want to try then why not. Sometimes things are worth fighting for.

I feel embarrassed posting but I realise I need help. I am living away from my family and friends and need advice and to hear different points of view. I have spoken to some people which seems to be the best thing to do but I am still very upset and anxious. I moved around the world to be with my now ex-girlfriend. I got a good job and even bought a house. I gave up some good opportunities to see if things would work out and now feel totally let down. My girlfriend of just under 4 years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. I really want her back. Strangely I even believe we will get back together. I don't normally hold such strong beliefs. Normally I am very practical so my belief doesn't add up to me. Maybe I can't accept the reality. We never really fought (maybe we should have), she still professes to loving me - but not the way she should and further contends the spark has gone. She considers me her best and (sadly for her ) only real friend, confirmed the good times out numbered the bad and constantly tells me how sorry she is for breaking up with me. On the negative side, for me anyway, she feels she wants to be single again and enjoy her freedom. We almost broke up 4 months ago, her sole reason at that time being the spark had gone and she had felt this way for some time - it was a huge shock at the time as she was constantly telling me how much she loved me and even proposed to me when really drunk - I turned her down as I knew she would not remember in the morning. We agreed to give things more time but she refused to speak about her feelings or do anything differently. I literally dragged the breakup out of her as I knew something was wrong. She doesn't really know why she feels the way she does. I suspect and told her I suspect its because she's afraid of making the wrong decision and needs time to be sure. She even agreed. We have alot of differences. I'm 35 she is 26, different backgrounds, religious beliefs, lifestyles, and personalities (I'm practical, sporty, and go in for big gestures - she is emotional, sociable, and is always buying or doing little things for me). I've meet her twice to discuss things but even though she agrees with me on most if not everything she says she still wants to breakup ( I sound like a bully but I'm not). I wrote a long practical letter. Again she agreed with me but was very angry that I could be so practical in the circumstances. I was telephoning her almost every day breaking down in tears until finally I said I did not want to see her again, could not just be her friend, regarded the last 4 years as wasted and was likely to hate her for a lifetime. I asked to speak to her again in person she refused and hung up on me then refused to take my calls and eventually turned off her mobile so I texted to apologise. I haven't spoken to her for 5 days. Today I wrote to her to again apologise for losing my temper and to accept my part in the breakup as I realise that there are some things I could have and should have done better. I am a mess. I can't stop thinking about her, how this will be a waste of 4 years of my life (overdramatic I know) if we don't get back together. We have now because of the breakup discussed alot of issues we previously feared to bring up and both agreed when we last spoke that our breakup could be a catalyst for good things ( for us I hope but who knows ). The first problem is she is constantly, I feel, sending mixed messages. I think she doesn't really know why she has brokenup with me. Is she afraid of commitment? Prior to me she had a history of never being out of a relationship for more than 6 weeks and a relationship of about a year. If she broke up it was always to spend more time single with her girlfriends.She has a history of avoiding big issues and ignoring them. I wonder if I am wasting my time despite this strange belief of mind. My second problem is how do I get her back. I note the preference for no contact but given her history that scares me. I also want to get a few more issues of my chest before getting own with my own life and filling the gap until either I expire, meet someone else, or she decides to come back.