try to get my stuff back need advice!!!!

[pearl1234]

Hi, I was seeing a guy for about three monthes. Then he decided to call it off mainly because I will move back to east coast and he is 40s don't want to waste his time on long-distance and we are too different. And he want to still be friends

 

So i did call him a lot right after this and cried and tried to talk him into give us a chance to try it out... I think i actually pushed him away by doing that. I guess nothing new in my story.

 

Here is the problem, I have some stuff at his place and I asked him to send them to me serveral times. He always said he would do that and never did. One time he even used he was seeing somebody else which makes him very busy as an excuse.

 

I did NC after that(Feb). But I break NC yesterday, because I will visit his city on memorial day weekend for something else, I want to know if I can get my stuff from him during that time--I didn't ask for meeting him in person. I even suggested that he could leave them somewhere as long as I can get it.

 

And he response my email one day after with a short email:

 

everything is fine. sorry i haven't gotten around to mailing your

stuff. would you like me to do that? is this the right address?

My address goes here.

 

 

OK, here comes my questiones:

 

Why didn't he just answer my email let me pick up my stuff or leave them somewhere which is much easier than mailing, right? Why he goes back to mailing my stuff --which has not happened in the past three monthes.

 

What should i do? Should I insist on bringing them back by myself on the trip or I should wait him sending them to me.

 

I know these questiones may sounds stupid but I really want to get my stuff back I don't want to hang in there waiting for them forever, at the same time I don't want to be pushy

 

Any insight? or advice?

[annie24]

Hi - Welcome to enotalone! Alright - do you actually NEED this stuff? Is it that valuable? This all seems like so much trouble, it may be easier just to buy new stuff.

 

Why don't you call him when you are in town and ask if you can swing by to pick up your stuff. Or, if you'd like to make it easier on him to return your stuff, you can send him a pre-adressed, pre-stamped box for him to use.

 

I don't know why he's dragging his feet. Perhaps, mailing you your sweater and DVDs really isn't high on his list of priorities. I'm a procrastinator too.

 

Good luck!

[pearl1234]

Well, I understand that he is busy and doesn't own me anything. So I didn't bother him after I found out the new girl.

 

What I don't understand is I offered to pick them up/he leave them at my hotel front desk--which is trying to make his life easier. I can't image any easier way than this. And yet he ignore me on those offers and go back to mailing.

 

Am I asking too much for him to drive to a hotel and leave the stuff at front desk? Or he just want to have the whole control: he will return my stuff his way at his timing--I guess.

 

So how should I answer his email?

[punchy504]

contact ups, pay for shipping, set up a pik ticket, tell the ex to have it ready ups will be stopping by a x date at x time, to pick up box, he has to do nothing, he has to pay nothing.

[Falucchi]

Is this "stuff" really so important, or is it a way for the 2 of you to "keep in touch" and pretend you're dealing with "stuff" but you both just want to string each other along for a while longer?

 

what' stuff???

[pearl1234]

The stuff are some unfinished knitting that I was doing for the whole last summer.-- Of course I can buy new yarn and do it all over, but ......

 

Falucchi, I think you made a good point here. Maybe none of us realize what we are doing. And that is part of reason that I want to get them back, then I/he will have no excuse any more.

 

I just remember an interesting detail, this time when he said that he could not mail them because he was too busy with the new girl and his work.

 

I was shocked, i don't know why he need to mention it. So I said then you need to mail my stuff asap, otherwise the new girl will be upset. And he got mad and said "Well it is not like I am dating two girls at the same time".

[brando]

It doesnt matter if the stuff implyed is important or not, it is yours. Just becuase your broken up doesnt mean you should forget about everything. I think it is ridiculous that this man can not be an adult and simply take care of what you ask him to. New girl or not it does not matter.

 

No matter what you do now about it he or others will automaticly think you are trying to stay connected. I think if you simply left it with him, it would be more of a sign of wanting to stay connected.

 

Similar situation i am experiencing with my ex, lent her some money to help her out of a jam, no expectations, we were together ten years and i of course the dumpee, offered to help, as i would any friend, or person i know. I stressed it was a loan, and now she ignores me cause i want the money back, do i need it, no, but it is the principle. Why should i cave in to a responsibility she accepted because she isnt mature enough or decent enough to pay me back or let me know the status of this loan. Isn't it reponsible for one to pay back what is borrowed????

 

Why people do and act the way they do after break ups is beyond me. The lies, the B.S, etc.

 

Sorry about that. It just irritates me to see what i think is childish behavoir.

 

What is yours is yours, you place the value on the things you left behind, dont listen to the others about maintaining contact. I think it is respectful of you to want it back, and he hasn't the decency to comply.

 

Busy life, new girl are excuses....lies most likely, probably his way of getting back at you for something.

 

my 2 cents.

[annie24]

Well - I understand the money Brando. I bet you know now not to give loans out to friends and exes... That's what banks are for.

 

Pearl - I think you need to assess just how important the knitting is to you. How many hours did you spend making it? Is badgering him really worth the grief? How many hours have you now spent worrying about this, including time spent calling him, time asking for advice, and time spent thinking about it?

 

After breakups, I don't bother to get my stuff back. It's usually just a CD or a DVD. I'd rather the $20 go down the drain than go over to his place and have an awkward/hostile conversation.

 

What I meant was, your knitting is probably the least important thing on his list of things to do, right after changing the batteries in his smoke detector. I agree with Falucci - this sounds more like a way to stay in each others' lives.

 

I'd forget about it all, save yourself the headache, and move on.

[Falucchi]

that knitting is going to be a reminder of the time and effort you put into a jerky guy who treated you badly. You can proabbly make something much better anyway.

 

I can think of some pretty good things to do with a couple of #9 knitting needles....

[brando]

Annie 24

 

yeah i learned my lesson. Again it isnt the money though..i could care less. But somethings need to be stood up for, just to let them know you are not a pushover.

 

I dont care about break ups or divorces, even dissolved friendships, burning a bridge is still burning a bridge.. one never knows when ex's will face again and under what situation...

 

be careful of how to treat people on the way up, you may meet them on the way down...

[annie24]

I understand what you mean. I've just found it easier to move on if I cut all ties with the exes (in as civil a manner as possible). However, if you're calling several times over and over again to get something back, and they're not being cooperative, it seems like doing so will make relations between the two worse, not better.

[brando]

then what to do???

 

Give it to God??? (seriously)

 

any suggestions??

[annie24]

Well - in a sense. When I leave a DVD or something at my bf's house, and then we break up, I just consider it my "good-bye gift" to him. He can keep it as a reminder of me.

 

But Brando, as for your money - I would seek legal action - small claims court. (I'm assuming it's a sizeable chunk, not $20).

 

There is a proverb: When you loan someone money, and you never see them again, consider it money well spent.

[brando]

im familiar with that proverb... there was a line in that movie Bronx Tale about not being paid back and if that is what it cost to get rid of them, then so what.....

 

thanks for your advice.

[pearl1234]

brando thanks to the support and I think you should get your money back too.

annie24,Falucchi I got you guys points.

 

I guess I need to give you guys more details:

 

We kind of work in the same field and it is a small field. Everybody knows everybody there. Now I think back that could be the reason why he suggested to be friends(not really like me very much). He doesn't want to look bad?

 

One month after our break up, I had a chance to visit him and we were OK until that point--talk/email each other like friends. But then I called him up to talk about the trip and I got the idea that we were semi-breakup. So I told him that I didn't want to visit him and please mail my stuff back.

 

So, the only reason I can think of is he was mad at my changing my idea about the trip. If I went I would bring my stuff back.

 

Anyway, he does offer to mail my stuff this time. I have three choices:

 

1. say yes to him and wait if could not get then forget about it.

2. told him that i will pick it up not necessary in person when I was there and get it if not forget about it.

3.forget about it now. Don't response his email at all.

 

Whcih way I should go?

[annie24]

Ok - so if he is offering to mail you your stuff, send him a check now for the amount of the postage and the box. Hopefully, getting that check will spur him into action. And then if he cashes it without sending it, then he is a grade-A jerk, and you should wipe him clean from your memory.

 

I understand what you mean about the "small-field." Just keep things business-like from you two from now on. Good luck.

[pearl1234]

OK. I finally decide to follow my girl friends advice which is thanks him for offering mail the stuff but tell him i will be in town anyway so I will pick them up and that doesn't need to be done in person.

 

They said that the guy couldn't mail them for five month why bother to wait again. And I should speak up for myself: that the knitting stuff are important to me and I would get it for myself.

 

I send the email last night and I will see what happens. I could image that he may ingore my email. Then i will just forget about it.

 

I will keep you guys posted. THE lesson we learned here is never leave anything important to you at your boy/girl friend's palce.

[annie24]

Yes - important lesson!!! Well - good luck - I hope it gets back to you safe and sound!

[pearl1234]

Hi, guys:

 

I got my stuff back from him today

 

He was very cold. I tried my best to make small talk to make sure people don't think we are drug dealers(he give me stuff and just leave). I mange to ask two questions and he answered with "fine","nothing new".

 

Sounds like he hates me. But I can do nothing with it, right?

 

good luck on those who still try to get their stuff back!

[annie24]

Congrats!!! This was a hard-won battle... I'm glad you got your stuff back!

[gs121]

yeah... congrats!!!

 

I"m still waiting for mine..... already one month+! sigh... (shaking head)...