Relationship w/o enough sex... updated with the solution!!!

[bobtail5]

My GF and I have amazing sex when it happens, we are both very attractive, she knows this and sees other women checking me out all the time. She is just never in the mood and only has sex with me to keep me around... just not enough to keep me happy. I love her to death and would do anything to keep her in my life and so would she. She does anything I ask of her including things that suck way more than laying down 20-30 min for a nearly guaranteed orgasm. I know she is not faking because once in a while she just can't seem to go and lets me finish. I would say that her frequency of actually wanting sex herself is once a month although she gives in 1-2x per week (I want every day but would settle for every other day), this may seem like a lot to some but we are only 6 months into our relationship and madly in love. I also think this is low since she gives me so much affection on every other way (cuddling, kisses, love) on a daily basis. The sex was never much more than that in the beginning which tells me that she hasn't lost interest in me. I also don't expect her to run over to my house just to service me, but I do want it when time permits. We are in our mid 20's and both very athletic and I'm kind of big but sex doesn't hurt her as long as I get her in the mood properly which I enjoying doing every time.

 

I think there are two issues here…

 

#1 - She has only had one relationship that was for 1.5 years and was somewhat abusive in that in the beginning it was good but then deteriorated to where her BF would basically force her to have unsatisfying sex with him on a daily basis. I don't know the details but from what I gathered it was something she would just do but hated and he would tell her it was so she wouldn't sleep with anyone else then finally started to progress to rape which is when she finally left. The whole time he was openly cheating on her and telling her she was not allowed to. My first thought was how could she put up with this but I guess after you fall for someone it is hard to leave which she eventually did but the damage was done by then. Incidentally she was also raised in a less than optimal family situation and has some mother/love issues which may explain her drive for acceptance from people who she feels are important to her.

 

#2 – I am no challenge; she knows or thinks that I am not going anywhere. She is no challenge either which is fine with me. In her eyes we are so well suited for each other that there isn't a more perfect couple out there which I agree with except the sex issue. We spend every day together and we do just about everything that she wants to do which I wouldn't resent if I was getting the sex I need since they are things I like doing. I am going to address this issue since I can't do anything about #1 and some people who I know who have dealt with rape have told me that if you love someone you should be able to separate yourself from past experiences eventually.

 

I know for a fact that if I told her she could only cuddle with me 1-2x per times a week she would freak out!!! I did not make an ultimatum but I did make it clear that I am not afraid of leaving her if things don't get better which seemed to hit home. The bottom line is there are traits you can deal with and some you can't. Would you stay with someone who is cheating on you??? What she is doing is cheating on my heart and core desires even if no other man is involved. To me when I am around her I just hurt in the pit of my stomach because every other woman I have dated wanted it all the time, I have never had to ask for it and now I beg. Am I being unreasonable? I am to the point where I am almost happier when she is not around because it upsets me so much.

 

Dana

[melrich]

Well you are in a difficult situation. She is doing something you don't want her to do (refraining from sex) and now you want her do do something she doesn't want to do, have more sex.

 

If her level is 1 or 2 times a week and yours is 6 or 7 times a week then you guys are not compatible. You may be able to talk her into more sex short term but eventually, if she's doing something she doesn't want to do the relationship will be doomed.

 

You can attempt to compromise but I get the feeling that fundamentally this is going to cause you problems in the longer term.

[Ms Omaniac]

maybe she has issues with sex because of her ex? her low sex drive could also be caused by medication...is she on any medication for depression? when i was on anti-depressants...i had NOO sex drive which was the weird and the first time in my life i felt that.

 

hopefully you two can work this out. sex is important though not the only factor to a healthy relationship. but it appears that this is very important to you...and if it is...then you should deal with it head on and not settle.

 

-ivy

[Ms Omaniac]

i agree with Richgabe....sexual compatibility is VERY important. i know i would eventually terminate a relationship if we dont see eye to eye on our sex life.

[bobtail5]

I just spent some time talking to a friend that is a therapist and she said that it actually may be more the abuse than the attention issue since she is is so affectionate with me in non-sexual ways. She has told me that she also feels the abuse is the reason. She has been looking into getting her own counseling but it is very expensive.

 

The long term is my main concern, I don't even want her to take any libido enhancers or do anything temporary. I want to try to get to the core of the problem to make sure it is fixed for good. Also, she is not on any medication or birth control that is causing the low sex drive.

 

Thanks,

 

Dana

[LoneLioness]

You shouldn't have told her you're "not afraid to leave" if things don't get better. It sounds like she has some very good reasons for not wanting to much. You need to try to make her feel more secure in the relationship, she may eventually come around then. If not remember, relationships are about compromise, if you want it everyday and she wants it once a week, you try for maybe 3 times a week. If you really love her you're not going to leave her because of this, especially if the rest of the relationships perfect as you put it.

[eddie500]

honeslty dude, if your so attrative than go out and find another woman and move on.

Nothing will fix this problem.

[bobtail5]

Well, for one she is equally attractive and everything else is perfect so I don't want to just go get another GF. I love her so I want to try to work through this with her.

 

Does anyone have experience with this sort of thing where therapy actually did help out?

[bobtail5]

Just wanted to post an update to this issue. I didn't stop spending time with her or threaten to leave her anymore, but I did stop asking for sex entirly per a mutual agreement that this might be our last hope. It was a risk but the first time I had to wait over a week then 4 days then 2 days... now we have sex almost every day. She said the other day that she is horny all the time now and that when we do have sex it is far more amazing since she doens't feel like she is doing it for me anymore. Even a big fight about another issue last week didn't hinder her sex drive at all.

 

Hopefully this will help someone else.

[SPark]

GREAT, Bob!! And so kind of you to post this in hopes of helping someone else...kind of like an NC policy for sex, huh? Glad to hear that everything is going so well for you two!

[ShySoul]

So the solution was to NOT try and get her to have sex more, but to let her initiate it when she wanted. Before she was probably feeling pressured into it and that decreased her sex drive, combined with the problems from her abusive relationship. In showing her affection otherwise but not needing the sex so much, you allowed her to feel comfortable with you and open to the possibility of exploring each other more.

 

Just play safe you guys.