I left my partner for another man but never had sex with him I got back with my partner after a month apart and still after 9 years he doesn't believe I didn't have sex with the other guy

[Cryhun]

I left my partner for another man.

We were together for 5 years and he is the only man I have ever had sex with and we had 2 children at this time.

I never had sex or any sexual activity with the man I left him for, we only spent 2 times together and it wasnt long as we would just talk well he would listen to me with what I had to say it was comforting for me and I just needed some one to listen to me, it was very hard as me and my partner had some communication issues and I was angry with him as he kept me from seeing my family and then my dad died I was very alone.

  I got back with my partner after a month apart and we have been together for 9 years now and have 2 more children he doesn't believe I didn't have sex with the other guy and I understand now it was wrong for me to brake his trust for this guy that ment absolutely nothing to me for seconds I don't know how we can move forward I've been making it up to my partner for 9years and we seem to still be in the same place we were 9 years ago. I love my partner so much and yes it took this massive mistake for me to realise I won't to spend the rest of my life with my partner.

Any help in the right direction would be greatly appreciated thanks.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

Have you guys tried or considered talking this out with the help of a therapist? Just seems that you are overdue—like, way overdue—to either put this chapter behind you or accept that it can't be fully processed, together. From what you've offered, it sounds like you've been in something of atonement mode for almost a decade. That's no way to live—not for either of you. 

You made a bad choice. It happens, happened. But it's important for him to accept that he has made the choice to reconcile, which is not the same thing as punishing someone for eternity and weaponizing the past. Shaming another human being is, all in all, the opposite of loving them.

I admit I can't help but be unnerved by your mentioning that he "kept" you from seeing your family. What was that about? Has he expressed any remorse or understanding about his own behavior, way back when? 

 

[lostandhurt]

Welcome to ENA

When you reconciled 9 years ago were there conditions?  Like did he say that he was going to punish you for the rest of the relationship because you left him for someone else?

 He chose to reconcile with you, that was his choice.  If he didn't believe you then he should have not agreed to get back together.  Even IF you did have sex with that other guy what does that have to do with today?  Last year?  5 years ago?

  Could you explain what Bluecastle asked you about please? It seems to me that your partner is controlling and he is using this episode from 9 years ago to keep you in defensive mode so no matter what he says or does he has you in a position of vulnerability.

 How does he treat you?  Does he tell you who you can talk to?  Visit?  How often?  When?

  Lost 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Cryhun said:

he kept me from seeing my family and then my dad died I was very alone.

Unfortunately, holding this over your head is the same form of abusive control as shutting you out and isolating you from family.

Stop apologizing. Stop convincing. Stop defending. Do not engage the discussion. Leave the room.

Talk to your trusted friends and family about this abuse. Are you financially dependent on him?