What not to do to get an ex back?

[reborn]

Hey guys, so happy to be in this forum. It has helped me tons. Like most of you I am in heartbreak land and wish to have a chance again with my bf.

I just have general questions, because I can´t figure things out so feel free to answer, because I am in pain, and very lost.

 

1. What does it mean when an ex loves you as a family? They still feel physical attraction towards you, but don´t feel they are in love with you? Please, please help.

 

2. Since everybody wants to get back to their ex and asks what to do, I want to know what not to do from your own personal experiences. My relationship ended almost 3 months ago. My bf was going through lots of preassure to get his life together and I was going through lots of problems too. I became quite anxious and this put preassure on him. Suddenly something went click in him because he feels really stuck and needs to get his life together and feel unable and unwilling to help me, I became another problem to him. He says he can´t have a girlfriend at this time in his life.

We didn´t contact each other for 2 months, then he contacted me as friends and asked to get together. We hung out a whole weekend. He jumped in my arms telling me how much he loved and missed me and that the breakup was an error. But when I spoke relationship issue a few hours later, he regressed into breakup mode. We slepted together, on my initiative anyway and met a day later by mistake. He was going jogging I was going to a friend´s. It was night and during our walk he huged me a lot, stared at me, even got an erection. When we said goodbye he gave me a kiss on the cheeks, It was obvious that I felt awckward and wanted to kiss his lips. Then he told me that he didn´t want to hurt me, that he loved me as a family, as a daughter, that he doesn´t know why he gets all afectionate with me, but he does not our of habit or sex he just does sometime, but that it isn´t right because we are no longer together. That I want to fall in love but that he didn´t. He says he is very fisically atracted to me, really enjoy spending time with me, laughs with me more than with anyone else but he is not in love with me. He also said he doens´t believe in love anymore (which totally broke my heart) and then that not to wait for him, that it wouldn´t be fair to me. He is leaving town in a few weeks. Thought of the posibility of us hanging out but after I spoke relationship issue didn´t consider it anymore.I don´t know if I screwed up or saved my self some more heartache. This was 2 weeks ago and he hasn´t called me since. He said before he left he wanted to call me to say good bye,

 

I am very hurt. I respect me, I respect him, so I don´t even contact him. After all he said, what do I posible have to say? What can I fight for? I want to give him the space. I just can´t believe he doesn´t love me anymore. The breakup was a surprise for me. I gave him the time he needed. Then he came back, I acted as friends, he tells me he loves me, when he realizes I still want to be with him he backs off. And then tells me he loves me as daughter, is not in love with me etc. By the way he also resented the fact that we hung out those 2 days and the day we last me, which was by surprise. He said that I am too charismatic and I reel him in. I said nobody has put a gun in your head. He said "how could anybody not enjoy hanging out with you?" He seems to enjoy his time with me, but then blames me because it is like I am taking his time away and ruining the schedule he has made post breakup.

 

I don´t even have much hope. As I write this it seems preety obvious to me that he doesn´t want anything to do with me. I feel so horrible because it is as if I have done something terrible. He just wont contact me. He is leaving in 2 weeks and it hurts like crazy. He used to love me before we broke up. Then he freaked out and morphed. If anyone has gone through anything similar either from his side or mine, please say something. I feel so broken now, I would really appreciate it. Also what do think of his actions. Do you think he really doesn´t love me, or do his mixed signals say he is scared. I am afraid. Help, Please don´t forget to answer questions above. Thanks and peace be with you.

[pcardoso]

Hi there,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

About your questions, in my opinion:

 

Point 1:

I think it's the other way around. You can love a family member, but definitely you don't feel physical attraction for him. But, according to what you say above… I think he's just confused and of course he stills feel attraction

 

Point 2:

What not to do?

You shouldn't beg, humiliate yourself, think you can decide for him… I think he's just confused and he needs some time alone, so give him the space he wants and see what happens.

 

Good luck

[StillLoveHer]

.v

[dextro]

hi there,

 

1: Loving someone as his own family ! It means careing, like them, not love which is quite different. How old are you and how old is he? You can't be attract physically to a member of his own.

 

2: you are a wonderfull girl, you are patient, lovely, why sticking with someone who didn't care about all these feelings? It's only my opinion. Your ex b/f is quite confused and that's a good thing you are patient. Let him go but the next time he come back if he does, tell him what you want oh and yeah take some time for you.

 

Jeff l. Spiegel

[reborn]

Thank you Jeff and PCardoso for your replies. It is very encoraging and calming to hear your responses. Sometimes one just needs someone else´s objective opinion. Yes, my x-bf is really confused.

 

I am torn between feeling pride and feeling love. Today I did something really stupid, I hadn´t heard from him in 2 weeks so I sent an empty message on from my mobile. I just needed to reach out somehow. I figured, this way I won´t say anything stupid and if anything I could say that it was an accident, that my phone went off. Really stupid I know but after days of agonizing over not calling, I let myself do it. To my surprise he sent me an email. Told me all about his finals and all the projects he is doing in school. Even told me he had a family weeding in the weekend but had to leave early to finish his thesis. I guess I won´t respond, I don´t have much to say, but I just needed some signal that he is alive.

 

I am so torn, should I be his friend, or would that be loosing my pride after all he said? Would I be a doormat. He broke up one time before this. So this would be the 2nd time. Oh well, my other posting was really long, so I won´t go on here. By the way, if my friends even knew I contacted him they will kick my butt. I feel like a looser but I can´t stop my feelings for him.

 

Thanks again you guys for reading my posting and taking your time to reply.

[pcardoso]

Believe you're not a looser and sometimes in moments of despair we tend to do something that we will regret later.

Just accept your feelings and trust that one day you'll get over of this hurt and pain.

 

Good luck

[Someday]

Reborn,

 

Unfortunately I am guilty of the same. I told an ex-girlfriend I loved her like a 'sister'. What that meant to me (and tried to make her understand) was that I loved her VERY much and would do anything for her or be there for anything she needed. On the other hand what I also meant was that I really didn't feel toward her they way two people in a relationship should feel, either emotionally or physically. Of course hearing this broke her heart. Although today we remain great friends.