NC when you have children?

[ECWhite25]

My eight year marriage is ending and my husband and I have two children together. I've known for 6 weeks now that he was leaving but we have been living in the same house and will continue to until June 1st when my kids and I can move into our new apartment.

We have continued to have a sexual relationship (mostly initiated by me because honestly I crave some sort of affection/attention from him) but I know it will have to stop when I move out. I would like for things to work out for us and for there to be something more left in our relationship but I don't want to teach him a pattern of getting his sexual needs from me without any commitment. And if there is no hope left for us, I really don't want to drag on the heartbreak and the emotional attachment any longer than it already will go.

The thing is, we do have our children and can't go to strict no contact. As of our arrangement right now he will be watching the kids in my home once a week (so I can go to work) and also picking them up and dropping them off at my house once a week. It will be very hard for me to keep some sort of distance between us and prevent anything from happening when we will have to see each other so often.

How can I keep things as formal as possible and remind myself on a regular basis that I can't have any personal contact with him? I'm just afraid that I am not strong enough to break ties when I still have to see him regularly.

[Day_Walker]

As you have defined your situation there is going to be limited contact because of the kids. You may believe that you have to have contact but you actually dont, for whatever reason you and him have worked it out so that you two still see eachother. NC is possible, but that doesnt seem what you want because you want to work things out.

 

If you choose to have limited contact then it will be harder, you should only focus on the matter at hand and keep it that way.

[Hope75]

Where the two of you are parents, you are obviously going to need to keep the lines of communication open for the sake of the kids.

 

Can I probe a little bit and ask why the marriage is ending? You say you would like for this to be able to work out, by that do you mean stay civil with him to raise your kids, or for the marriage to be able to be saved?

 

The only think I can suggest with what little I have to go on here is try and keep it friendly and short when you do see him, and it sounds like mostly the children will be present when you see your husband, so that shoud make it easier to refrain from sexual activity with him. Try to gear the conversation towards the kids and thier needs and interests if you can.

[ECWhite25]

You may believe that you have to have contact but you actually dont

 

My children and their well being is the matter at hand. How is no contact possible? Have you successfully cut off all contact with your child's other parent?

Could it possibly benefit the two most important people in my life by experiencing their parents stop talking to each other or never see their parents in the same place again?

Do I quit my job and cut the children off from their father for a few months if not more? Do I drop them off at the local McDonalds and watch from a distance to make sure no one but their father tries to take them? Not everything can be relayed through messages or made clear in letters and notes. Even two parents who hate each other have to act responsibly and have civil contact for the benefit of their kids and we don't hate each other.

[ECWhite25]

Hi Hope,

Our marriage is ending because he says simply "He isn't in love with my anymore and he can't see leading this life for the rest of his life".

We don't hate eachother, we have cried together over this, and we will continue to work together to raise our children.

 

That is my plan, to keep it short. I'm just not sure where the strength to do it is going to come from.

[marriedmom]

ECWhite...I have a lot of expierence in this matter. I am curious as to why the two of you cant work it out? Try a trial separation. Live separately for a while. Have you tried counseling?

In addtiona, he is ALWAYS going to be in your life, by way of your children. The worst part, ECwhite, is that when your marriage is legally over, your feelings for your husband will not vanish. When you do exchanges with your children, you will need to be communicating with your husband about the days events. When your children get ill, or have school functions, or vacation time,etc.. you will be collaborating with your husband on these items. Now, you can keep it limited to advance contact regaring the children via e-mail and phone calls to minimize the "face to face" time you will be spending with him.

There are a plethora of avenues you can take to make custody exchanges "short and sweet". But, truly, ECWhite25, you do not seem like you are ready for this marriage to end. And consequently, you are going to have this inner need to "prolong" the exchanges, talk to death the childrens needs and schedules, or worse, fight over the children, because it will get a reaction, and after all, any reaction is better than no reaction.

This is terribly complicated for you---that I know. Let me know your thoughts.

[Hope75]

Hi EC,

 

I am sorry that your marriage is ending like this. It's unfortunate that though he chooses to end the relationship that he is still consenting to sleep with you. You are right that by prolonging the emotional attachment, it is only going to make the transition from husband and wife to co-parents of your children more difficult.

 

As for Daywalker's comment, I do not agree, I believe it is very important to keep the lines of communication open. Your husband and your main interests now are the welfare of these kids.

 

It sounds like you are both amicable enough with one another despite the fact that you are both clearly hurting shows that you will probably be able to come to agreements on the best interests of the children and carry those terms out.

 

I do suggest that you try your best to stop sleeping with him, because as you already know it just makes the seperation harder on both of you.

 

I wish you the best of luck. You sound very strong and I think with time you are going to be fine.

[Day_Walker]

You may believe that you have to have contact but you actually dont

 

My children and their well being is the matter at hand. How is no contact possible? Have you successfully cut off all contact with your child's other parent?

Could it possibly benefit the two most important people in my life by experiencing their parents stop talking to each other or never see their parents in the same place again?

Do I quit my job and cut the children off from their father for a few months if not more? Do I drop them off at the local McDonalds and watch from a distance to make sure no one but their father tries to take them? Not everything can be relayed through messages or made clear in letters and notes. Even two parents who hate each other have to act responsibly and have civil contact for the benefit of their kids and we don't hate each other.

 

You asked if it was possible and yes it is possible. However it doesnt seem that you want NC. Does it benefit your children to see their parents get along and not be together? The point its that its all about how you set up the situation. You two dont HAVE to talk, its a choice that you are making and you feel that will benefit your children in some way. I doubt you can conclusively say that it will benefit your children but you feel it will. If you dont want to do NC then dont do it. This thread seems that you want people to affirm your choice that NC is not possible.

[ECWhite25]

He is not willing (or so he says) to try anything. It is a strange and confusing situation and for a few weeks I just knew that there had to be something more so I followed him around, checked his phone records, searched his truck and pockets while he was in the shower and I came up with nothing.

Believe me, I know how naive and crazy I sound but I know there is no other woman and maybe that is what gives me the hope that this separation will be all he needs to realize his love for me and for our life.

HOWEVER, I am not willing to drag my children through any more emotional mess than they need to so I will try my best to keep things as friendly but impersonal as possible. Marriedmom you are correct in that this is far from what I want and I will be fighting with myself on a daily basis to not find reasons why I have to call him or see him. I am already doing that now and we are still living in the same house.

[marriedmom]

EC,

You are not naive and crazy for following him or checking phone records, or poket searches, etc. He is your husband of several years AND the father of your children!! You are merely doing what any private investigator would do!1

The trial separation will be best for now. Your children will also be adjusting to the new situation. Keep your focus on what is best for them. You are a smart woman for not wanting to subject your children to any more "emotional mess". Make sure the children do not feel rejected by your husband-->because after all, your pain of the loss of your marriage is rooted in HIS rejection of the marriage, and, you.

 

NC will be hardest..because contact can be just as simple as his shoulder brushing against yours---We, as women, can internalize all types of contact to suit ouir emotional needs.

You need to find a support network...be it family, or a good group of girlfriends you can trust, or church.

How old is your husband, if I may ask?--

[ECWhite25]

He will be 29 this July.

 

What really hurts (or I shouldn't say that because it all really hurts) is that it is like he is going back to his childhood... like he just doesn't want responsibility any more and thinks it is okay for him to back out on all the decisions we made together because he just "doesn't want the same things" any more. He is moving in with his "band-mates" and has already started going out a few times a week.

I feel abandoned and left with the commitments that we made together.

[GettingOverIt]

Wanting to ditch his responsibilities... Yeap, that's what I was told when I left my wife last year, too... There were a whole lot of circumstances that led up to my leaving, and one major fight. People around me kept telling me that I was ditching my responsibilities... That had nothing to do with it, from my perspective.

 

I ended up going back to my wife, but we did havent addressed a lot of the issues as to why I left in the first place. I am in counseling and I am hoping she will come too, but she sees the whole thing as all my fault, as all my doing, as me having all my own 'demons' (yes, her word). So, I am working out my own kinks. If it happens to make the marriage work, then great! If not, then at least I know I tried.

 

Do not give up hope. Whatever he is feeling, you need to see if you two can figure out why he feels the way he does. Is he willing to try therapy? Either alone or as a couple?

 

My heart goes out to you, because I (in different light, of course) have been the one who left my wife and children. I will tell you what my wife said about my being gone - She said she discovered just how strong she really was... The things she never thought she could do because I had always done them, she found she HAD to do those, and she was stronger for it... You are not naive or crazy, EC... You are a woman trying to understand what is happening to the man she has loved for all these years.....

[blueangel]

You married him. You had children with him. The best thing for you to focus on is to make it work. 95% of all problems stem from a lack of communication. Tell him how you feel and that you want it to work but if it will, you're going to need him to meet you half way.

 

Rough patches only make us stronger. Use the time you have now with him to fix things with him. Before it's too late. And yes, there will be a time when it's too late... when you cant just go back to the choices you have now. If you want to try again later after you moved out, there will be too many new things preventing you from going back in time, back into his arms.

 

You have a responsibility to your children to make it work. I still cant believe how much my parent's divorce has affected me. It makes me feel unbalanced. Dad was the one who got my act together. Mom was the one to pick up any left over pieces. With just half of that at a time, I feel like I'm cut into half. It is necessary to a child's growth for both parties to be present.

 

My mom spoils me. My dad orders me. When not together, they become something different. I become something different. It took the two of you to make your kids. It'll take the two of you to raise them.

 

 

Dont give up. Never give up.

 

You HAVE to be in this together. Sometimes love isnt just a feeling. It is a choice, an act. The feeling is merely the result, your heart saying, "on the right path!" The road is still there and will always be there but like I said, hard to go back to. All we have is now.