So in love, so hurt, so confused...

[gradle]

i'm so confused and lost. i love him so much. i moved out to boston to be with him and was about to move to california with him. we've been dating almost 2.5 years, and were doing long distance for one of those years, but i met him 6 years ago and i fell in love with him then. the past few months have been very stressful on him, so much school work, he's finishing up his masters at MIT, and i've been so depressed because i hate boston (bad weather, no friends, etc.) and i know we just kept taking it out on each other. but i love him so much. about a month ago we went on a little "break", but it lasted less than a day, he called me to tell me how much he loved me and missed me and it made me feel so much better. but i think i was just hurt from the break and couldn't stop being upset. two days ago he broke up with me, he said such awful things, like he didn't think he was in love with me anymore, that he felt so much guilt for my moving to boston and being depressed, but yesterday he IMed me telling me he was sorry, he had to reassess our relationship, was worried if we were unhappy now it would lead to an eventually unhappy marriage, etc. but i love him so much and would do anything for him. i'm trying to give him his space, but am so hurt at the same time. i don't want to go through life without having him in it. what do i do to get him back?

[tabytha]

*Hugs*

 

 

I'd wait a little time until you settle and you'll see things more clearly.

 

But don't try to focus on 'getting him back", he's not cattle to lasso.

 

Like i said, wait a little bit before even trying to think.

[gradle]

I know, i need to take some time. i'm just so confused. i knew he was unhappy, but it didn't all have to do with me, he was unhappy with school and work, and he was homesick as well. i just don't understand b/c school's almost over and he'll have more time to visit our friends and family, etc. why does he have to just throw us and me away right now? can't he just give me a chance now that we have some more time to spend together...?

[DN]

Have a talk with him. Tell him that you realise you were both not handling things well and that you need to have a plan as to how to make you both happy.

 

It sounds as if the major problem is that when you moved to Boston was that you were depending on him for a social life and because he was busy with school you got lonely.

 

So you should have, and still should, build a network of friends and activities of your own. You should never depend solely on a partner for a social life, interests, friends etc - too confining and limiting.

 

So come up with a plan to deal with that and ask him for his help in putting the relationship back on track.

 

As for the weather in Boston - you obviously forgot to make the appropriate sacrifices to the weather gods - seems like we made the same mistake here in Ontario - this weekend at least.

[gradle]

you are right. i was depending on him too much, but when we went on our first "break" i made a promise to myself to have my own life too. i joined a gym, am taking a photography class, and have gotten together with a couple of people i know from college to play/learn poker.

J says he sees that i'm trying, but that he thinks its too late. and i feel so lost. i'm such an idiot though, i would just get upset at the stupidest thigns before. nothing was going right, i don't like my job, i was hating the weather, so when the smaller things didn't go right, it woudl just be the last straw and i woul dburst and take it out on him. i didn't realize i was doing it at the time. but i've gotten so much better and he knows. i just can't believe that he would give up on me so soon. he says he just wants to be alone, and i'm so crushed.

[igor512]

If a guy says he wants to be alone, don't necessarily take it personally. It sounds like he needs some time to think things over, so maybe it's best to leave him alone for a little while. Don't break off contact with him though. Call him just to see what's going on. If he's ready for an emotional conversation you'll know, but us guys tend to take a lot longer with those things than women. Try to be patient with him.

[blueangel]

I know you, I know you, I know you!!

 

If a guy says he wants to be alone, don't necessarily take it personally. It sounds like he needs some time to think things over, so maybe it's best to leave him alone for a little while. Don't break off contact with him though. Call him just to see what's going on. If he's ready for an emotional conversation you'll know, but us guys tend to take a lot longer with those things than women. Try to be patient with him.

[Hope75]

Gradle,

 

I can see where this move may have caused a rift between you, since probably when you moved there you found you hated the weather and didn't have many friends and didn't like your job he felt partly responsible for your unhappiness, and to a degree you may have felt it was his fault as well.

 

Give him some space and yourself to think this through. Don't make any rash decisions yet.

 

If a little time goes back and he is sticking to his desire to remain separated than it's time for you to evaluate if you want to continue living in Boston or go home and start fresh.

[xymox]

I agree with giving him space. I am going through a similar situation. I have noticed that alot of guys tend to need space and when they do you should just give it to them. Don't push him into anything. He may realize that he wants to work things out with you, but he needs to see that on his own. I hope everything turns out ok.