Not in love any more. Feels like just friends?

[allein]

This is what my gf said to me.She's not sure if she is in love any more (loves me, but not 'in' love with me spiel). Feels like just friends she said. Not even 3 months ago we were in heaven. We've been together for almost 8 months. The first 5 were paradise. She hasn't been sexually intimiate w/me for over 2 months now and I'm afraid now to even try to initiate as I don't want to pressure her if she isn't attracted to me. I don't want pity sex from her. I asked her yesterday if we were still a couple and she said 'yes, for now". what does that mean?? Anyway, how can I bring the spark back? If you have felt this way about a woman before, like you weren't in love any more but you loved her deeplly, was there something she could have done to reignite your passion for her? I want to try being more romantic, but I don't want to come off as clingy. I am so in love w/her and want her to love me like she did before we got too 'comfy' with our relationship. I myself don't have a problem with being friends with my lover. I thought that was the ideal partner. You know, lover and best friend kind of deal. Thats what I want, but for her, she needs more passion. I personally think that sex may bring us a little closer together but there has to be other things I can do if she isn't interested in sex with me right now. I need to make her feel passion again first.

 

Is there anything I can do without seeming needy and clingy?

Any tips for romance that could work or is it a lost cause?? She is the first person I have ever met that I am truly compatable with. I'm 31 and she's 24. Any help ladies!! Please!!

 

I have posted my story in the break up section and people there are telling me to go NC with her. I may have too if my heart keeps breaking like this. Being in limbo while she decides if she wants to continue to persue this relationship. But the fact that she's waiting seems like she's waiting for me to do something to try to reignite the fires. What do you think ladies?

[GettingOverIt]

'Yes, for now?' Have you asked her about that line???

 

Do you two have lives apart from each other? Do you spend all your time together? Have you fallen into some kind of 'lull' lately? If so, you can try ways to get out of that lull - go out on a date, go bowling, go for a walk under the stars in the park... Try something you have never done before.... Does she have a 'favorite' thing she likes to do, but you haven't done that in a while? Surprise her with something like a night for just her - draw a bubble bath, get her a favorite book or magazine, pour her favorite drink... Then leave her alone for a while, to sit and soak...

 

The best thing is to talk to her about it, though.... Really, find out what she means by that 'for now' bit...

[allein]

I think I know what it mean. I've posted my story before so I won't get too much into detail. But she is struggling with weather or not to continue with the relationship. So for now means until she figures out what she wants..... Until she realizes if she wants to stay with me or break up. That what she means by that I think. which kind of gives me hope that the door is still open for me to ignite the flames again.

[GettingOverIt]

Then by all means, bust out the Aim-N-Flame! Get to rekindling, man! ;-)

 

C'Mon folks, what are some other ways he can help rekindle this?

[allein]

i'm a female btw. I am trying to rekindle. I just wonder if anyone has been in her position and if they would have been open to rekindling the flames. She told me again today that the magic is gone when I texted her telling her I was daydreaming about making love with her. I also asked her doesn't she think being intimate would bring us closer together and she just said she's thought of that, but has to get in the mood. So I told her lets set the mood and work on it. She didn't respond to that and changed the subject. I told her I won't give up until she says to give up.

I would like to hear from someone in her position to know if they would have been open to rekindle the romance. If it's even possible without looking too needy and clingy......

[Cadence308]

I honestly have no clue what it would take to get her in the mood. Getting in the mood is different for everyone. What gets your woman hot? What used to turn her on? Is there anything that you ever said or did or anything that you wore or didn't wear that would get her in the mood to have sex? Some women just have low sex drives and there's not much you can do.

 

For me, I am really hot and horny when I get those hormonal fluctuations right before my time of the month and those thoughts and feelings stay elevated and decline throughout my period. A lot of my female friends say it's the same for them. I would aim to please a few days before her period and if you live together then you should know about when that is. That is when she is going to be the most sensitive in her sexual zones and her hormones will be going crazy.

 

Maybe you are being too sweet with her by telling her you want to make love to her. Some women like dirty talk. Have you tried stepping up behind her and kissing her neck up to her ears and blowing in her ears and telling her you want to F*ck her? I know that sounds nasty, but some women love it.

 

Don't you two ever drink alcohol? Most people shed their inhibitions when drinking and most people I know are horny when they are drinking. Do you have wine with dinner? I would give her some wine with dinner, then do as I suggested above with stepping up behind her, kissing her, etc. and telling her you want to F*ck her. Let us know how it goes.

 

Sometimes all it takes to make someone want us or realize what they have with us is a third person in the picture who wants you. I'm not saying to find someone who wants you to make her jealous, but I'm sure it would lead to great sex with her initiating it!

[mgirl]

Jeepers Ballys, you're making me hot! Ok, seriously, i don't like the 'yes, for now', comment. I think the age difference says it all. She's 24 and probably doesn't realise how difficult it is to find that special someone. At that age everybody is that special someone, or nobody is. It's not until you reach your late 20s or early 30s that you realise that the qualities that you admire in a person have changed.

 

Ballys had a good idea about involving a substitute third party. Nothing like a bit of game playing to lift the game. The only thing is, that when the game's over, the sex may be too.

 

I've known people that have been together for years and they are still hot for each other. It shouldn't end after 8 months.

[GettingOverIt]

i'm a female btw.

 

No offense! I was using the term 'generically.' I'll have to watch that, I s'ppose...

 

My gut tells me there may be someone else in the wings here... And if not, then something has triggered this 'cooling off' from her. I think it is wonderful that you are willing to fight until you're told to quit! Lots of people give up long before that......

[Cadence308]

Jeepers Ballys, you're making me hot!

 

Wow, I didn't realize I had that effect on women! What are you doing tonight, mgirl? tee-hee!

 

I agree that this relationship shouldn't be cooled off after only 8 months. And the"yes, for now" comment was way too much. That implies that she is looking for something better than you. At least that is how I would take it.

 

Try my "hot" sexin' it up technique and let us know how it goes!

[allein]

I did hint to it. She walks around naked in front of me all the time. So I made a slight attempt and she just said she can't get in the mood. She then pretty much told me to stop making efforts. she didn't say that exactly but she said she knows how I feel and to stop saying it all time. If she changes her mind she'll let me know. The thing is I know she is masterbating so she is getting horny. It just must be me she can't 'get it up' for if you will.

I feel like complete crap. The worst thing is we are living together because my house is getting some work done. So we are both in her tiny studio her and i on separate twin beds (mine is a blowup). I am just heart broken. I don't know why she doesn't just break up w/me and it's driving me mad.

 

My heart is broken....... but we are still 'together' technically, but realisticly she is out of love and she is trying to kill my love for her and it is working..... I just don't want to give up on it though. Too many people give up on relationships when it get tough, however, the relationship being tough and my woman not being in love with me may be different things. I can't figure it out......... is losing the 'magic' a tough part of the relationship or does that belong to it's own category of hopelessness?

[mgirl]

Here's another perspective. Instead of wasting all your time on somebody you know is not attracted to you, why don't you cut your losses and hunt down somebody who is?!

[Cadence308]

Instead of wasting all your time on somebody you know is not attracted to you, why don't you cut your losses and hunt down somebody who is?!

 

I agree with mgirl. From your thread it appears that you have tried all that you can to salvage this relationship and bring some intimacy into it, but your so-called gf is asexual and cold-hearted. You deserve someone who wants you, who wants to be with you, and who values you. You are miserable right now and that is obvious. Break things off with her as soon as you can. She is not worth your time and effort any longer.

 

I recommended to someone else that they ready that book, "He's just not that into you..." Yeah, it's for heteros, but the messages in it can be for anyone dating. You should think about reading it if you haven't already. I think it would help you see things in your relationship and give you the guts to get out.

 

Good luck and let us know when you take action!

[mgirl]

Yeah, it just seems that when you weigh up the time spent worrying about these sorts of things, you would be better off letting it go and investing time in something else. It's called a cost/benefit analysis!

[allein]

thanks for the advice girls. I do need to move on. We got into an argument tonight and she said some very mean cutting things to me and told me to leave. So now my cats are at her place and I am at a friends. My house is under repair and I can't live there right now. So while she has my cats I have to keep in contact, but other than communication surrounding my cats I am going to try and go NC and just move on. It's sad but she obviously isn't into me so I just need to accept it and move on. Thanks for the advice. Cheers. If I need anymore advice, I'll be back.

[aug104evr]

Why do people have to be so mean? Especially to people they once loved? So you fell out of love, does that mean you get to stomp all over them and treat them like caca? I think when you go see your cats you should mess with her now. Go tanning or put on some fake tan, buy a new outfit, get a new hair do. Let her know your moving on and let it seem that breaking up was the best thing she could have done for YOU!! And then don't stop there. (I'm on a roll here!) Be all secretive about everything. Don't mention anything but the basics. My house will be done whenever. How are the cats? Sound all bubbly too. Make her think about you as the woman she fell in love with and let her remember how badly she treated you in the end. Let her know you'll be just fine without maybe even better. GL

[Cadence308]

That is a great idea. I totally agree with aug104ever!

Go tanning or put on some fake tan, buy a new outfit, get a new hair do. Let her know your moving on and let it seem that breaking up was the best thing she could have done for YOU!! And then don't stop there. (I'm on a roll here!) Be all secretive about everything. Don't mention anything but the basics. My house will be done whenever. How are the cats? Sound all bubbly too. Make her think about you as the woman she fell in love with and let her remember how badly she treated you in the end.

 

You have to do this and let us know how it goes. Make her wonder if you already have someone new in your life. You are moving on! 8)

[allein]

Good advice everyone. I can try to do something like that. I did just get a new haircut and contact lenses but the tanning...well thats just NOT me! but I hear what you mean.

The other day we talked and she said she wanted a break. She wouldn't let me call it a break up but thats what it is in my eyes anyway. She kept saying this is NOT a break up. I don't really know what all that means. We had a good long heart to heart and she does need time but I can't wait for her. Thats my decision though and NOT hers. I do love her so and I am so sad and am having a hard time dealing w/it. My house repairs are well under way and I will be getting my cats in a few days. She is going home to visit her family on thurs and will be gone for almost a week. During that time we will not speak. I am pretty sad but I am going to make sure she see's what she threw away because I'm a great catch. Thanks for all the support girls. It has helped me with my resolve to move on at any rate.

[Cadence308]

Good for you for MOVING ON! Let us know how things go when you see her next and look all hot. Maybe she is not ready to let you go quite yet even though she is no longer attracted to you because she may be co-dependent. Some people need someone there all of the time.

[mgirl]

never mind, it's not worth my time.

[allein]

Hey. Thanks Ballys. U've been real cool through the whole thread. I appreciate the support. Cheers!

[Cadence308]

Glad that I could help you and provide some support. That's what people need when they post a thread on here.

 

Just remember, don't give her all of the control and the upper hand. You letting her know that you have moved on even though you are hurting inside is you taking control of your life.

[patience]

allein,

 

From reading your posts, I think you are better off without this relationship. You cannot "make" someone desire you, it just doesn't work that way, so I wouldn't waste any time playing head games or anyting like that. Even if she started to desire you again, at any moment she could go cold again for months. Would you be okay with that? I doubt it! Staying with someone who doesn't want you is really bad for your sense of self, and it will mess you up. Just because she doesn't desire you doesn't mean that you are undesirable. Don't let her actions, thoughts, words, etc, define who you are!

[allein]

Thanks. I won't.

She has been texting me everyday since 'the break'. She texted me today to say ' i miss you now. i wish we were cuddling'. What I wanted to say was "OMG I MISS YOU TOO. I'LL COME OVER NOW AND WE CAN CUDDLE. I LOVE YOU!!!' but i didn't say that. I said, 'aw. how sweet. i painted my living room. it's a nice change. ttyl'

She is confused and I hate it. But I will not give in so easily. As far as moving on, I don't know what that means really but I am doing it anyway. But I'm not going to play her games. She is obviously confused and needs to grow up a little bit. It's just a shame is all. I'll be ok. It will just take me a while to feel used to be alone again. I still get sad, but each day is different. it's like waves. some days i feel fine, others not so good. Her text today almost got me, but I didn't give in. I am taking her to the airport 2morow and hopefully she will not contact me while she is away. And if she does continue to contact me, i'll keep being a bit distant.

 

The good thing is I have been having fun with my friends and am living at my house again and will get my cats 2mrw. I get depressed when i'm alone, but i'm going to concntrate on remodling my house and working out.

 

Thanks all for the kind words.

[Cadence308]

allein, OMG, you are doing great! That is exactly what moving on means. It means feeling the pain, not giving in to "the other" and doing things for yourself as if you didn't have this problem or these feelings. I think that by physically carrying on like this, soon you will start to feel like you have really moved on and believe it and be productive in life at the same time.

 

When you take her to the airport you should have your hair all done up and looking hot like you have plans. Good for you for texting her and making it sound like you have moved on. If she's confused, that's her problem! She is used to you jumping up whenever she needs something. Let her be confused for a while. It's good for her.

 

GL!

[allein]

Thanks Ballys. I was too tired to get all done up this a.m. but when I took her to the airport it looked like she was about to cry. We hugged goodbye and she tried to kiss me but I just hugged her. Said good bye again and she said 'don't say good bye, say see ya later'. I said, 'ok. see ya later'. Then she said give me a kiss, and I did but just kept my lips flat and bored.

I can tell now she is hurting about this and I am hurting less and less. I'm not glad she's hurting but I do want her to see what she gave up and to start wanting it again. Not that I will get back with her. Before I even consider that I would have to know her 'issues' are cleared up. And anyone with a brain knows that issues don't magically go away, they take work and time to clear. Anyway, yeah, I'm doing well with this. Everyday is getting easier and I'm keeping a realistic perspective about everything. I don't expect to get back with her, even with her being sad and mopey. I think that she may want to get back together with me when she starts feeling lonely and regretting her decision. However, that isn't gonna change the fact that she not in love with me, is stressed out about work and money, and can't give herself to a relationship. I know if we got back together those core issues will still exist. Getting back together is not on my agenda and it feels great to take that power she had over me away from her.

 

Thanks again for the support! *hugs*

 

Oh, and PS I got my cats back and it's great. Let the snuggle fest begin.