Creating the spark - NC when living together

[SMR]

Firstly, I have been reading this forum for a few weeks now, and have found the information invaluable, my thanks to all.

 

Brief History

 

Married for 23 years, known each other 28 years.

Family moved abroad for extra challenge and new life.

Children (15 & 13) growing more independent.

Wife now finding herself (new job, new friends, new life).

She had developed and changed and I had not changed with her.

 

Feb 2004

Wife emotionally moved away. I was warned that she needed space and freedom to express herself. That's when the vicious downward spiral started. I became clingy, needy, insecure and controlling. I thought I could talk some "sense" into her, plead with her etc etc..

 

June 2004

First Bomb Shell – I was told she felt numb with regards her feeling towards me. She loved me but was not "in love" with me. Our relationship, in my eyes had got better throughout July and August. Wife confirmed things were back to normal. My insecurity required constant reassurances, and downward spiral started again.

 

August 2004 to April 2005

It has been a constant downward spiral, of wife moving emotionally away, my insecurity requiring confirmation of our love and relationship etc etc

 

April 2005

Second Bombshell, Wife wants to separate, inform the children and our friends. I obviously had at this stage no choice but to accept the situation. Financially this was just not viable and we agreed that I would prepare the attic room to move into. That same evening, Wife did not want me to move into the attic room, or tell the children, or inform our friends. Things were to remain as normal as possible.

 

What was going on? Was this a hormonal thing? How can she throw 23 years of marriage away? Why would she not consider counselling? What was this "I love you but am not in love with you" crap?

 

From my readings from this forum. I now understand that I have pushed and pushed my wife into a corner, so much so her emotions towards me have shut down, and the only way out was to drop the bombshell of a separation.

 

I realise now, that I am totally responsible for the situation I find myself in. If only I hadn't been so needy, controlling, manipulative, insecure.. etc. the drowning man syndrome.

 

So, I have detached, shrugging off her criticisms, started to "get a life", giving her space to breathe.

 

I have seen some very positive signs, she is defending me more, rather than criticising. Life is far more harmonious. She talks of future plans and holidays, all of which includes me.

 

So what is my problem? I feel that we are just living together as friends. How do I create the spark to ignite the passion? I cannot apply NC if we live together as friends. How can she realise what she will miss, if she has all the benefits and security of a marriage without giving the full commitment? I am so wound up, analysing everything she says and does. One morning I will get a "good morning dear" the next I get an "all right" as if I am a mate on a building site.

 

I am by nature very impatient. I realise that this mess has probably taken years to get to this point, but I want to turn this around as quickly as possible. Any tips and tricks would obviously be very much appreciated.

[sidhat]

Dear,

 

The only option is Communication you have right now..the more you communicate the better you have idea about the situation otherwise one day you will leave with alot of question..

Here what I think you should do..

 

1/ Calm down yourself and try to change your mood ,, anger management is very important.

2/ Make a plan for weekend with her out of city somewhere where you both are relax and can have fun.

3/ Ask her that is there anything you feel I fail to provide in this relationship.

4/ Make her comfortable with you to talk and discuss the issues.

5/ Try to solve all the issues with remain unsolved.

 

You pushed her away now you have to take her back by your positive actions. Be happy near her.

Try to convence her for counseling.

 

Only you can save your marriage so try to handle the situation and keep us update.

 

Good luck..

[SMR]

Many thanks for the advice!

 

Just an update and my thoughts

 

After 6 harmonious weeks, I had a moment of weekness last night, after a few drinks. I asked if we were still separated? - as life is normal, except on the romantic/sexual side.

 

I was informed "nothing has changed with regards her feelings towards me (she is still numb). That life is good and happy at the moment." My reply was "that I feel like a dog, waiting to be thrown a bone."

 

At least this morning, she has let the moment of weekness go, as an indescretion.

 

She thereforeeee forgives and forgets quicker than before - a good sign. I can see that these blips in weekness, can be seen as pressure, but letting go is very difficult!

[SMR]

It appears I have been living in a fools paradise.

 

She now want to physically split up.

 

I had said that I was hoping she would see the change in me, enough for her to work on the mariage as well.

 

She replied this was not what she wanted, and to move ahead with plans to sell the house and split.

 

I feel for the children more than for myself. They will be devasted.

 

I cannot believe she is throwing away everything we have worked for.

 

I suppose the only thing I can do is happily go along with her.

[miss bella]

I really feel for you. I don't think anyone would throw away 23 years of marriage lightly. I can only guess she has lost sense of self. Her identity has been as a wife & mother and now she has a bit more independence she wants to explore who she is. Give her time & space. You should do more things without considering her. Take up golf or another hobby. Explore your new city. Let her see what it's like not to have you available to her. You have your own life. Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

[SMR]

Many thanks for your words of support and advice. After a pleasant weekend, she brought the subject of seperation up again. She is determined to go through with it.

 

It was the first time I got some answers as to how she is feeling. I now think this is a MLC, however I am not niave to think that I am blameless in all this.

 

She want to try life on her own and make her own decisions and live life without me before she feels too old. She mentioned that if she did not make this move now, stay for the sake of the children, then she would live with regrets of not knowing.

 

I have comfort in that she has prommised not to be too proud and come back as soon as she feels she has made a mistake. I just hope that this does not effect the children too much.

[SMR]

I know from from experience with her, that she has to leave before she will come back (I remember saying this 20 years ago before the children)

 

We are booked on a familly holiday in 3 weeks time, she still wants us to go as a family. For my own healling, I think I should not go, but for the children, and the hanging on to relationship I want to go. If I say I am not going, it will be seen as a sign of emotional manipulation, and the children would be upset.

 

We are not informing them until absolutley necessary.

 

What a Mess

[SMR]

from further reading I now think this is MLC, should I drop this in, in conversation, before she presses the destruct button?

[The_Doc]

This advice sounds very counter-intuitive but it comes from a US marriage guidance counsellor with over 30 years experience.

 

a) agree with her -- marriage is not working, you are right, we need to separate etc -- agreeing stops the conflict she expects from you

b) stop applying any pressure

c) make her think you are happy with the status quo

d) no pleading, no begging

e) give her space and time

f) do not call her -- but respond to her calls

g) don't mention the subject of the relationship/separation/divorce

h) look after yourself

 

and so on.

 

The advice sounds upside down i have to admit but its all about making her realise what she is losing by turning her strengths into her weaknesses

[SMR]

I have applied and am applying these principles, and this has created harmony. but she still wants to leave.

 

My immediate problem is should I now take control and bring things to a head. ie. Do not go on the holiday, thus forcing the issue of telling the children sooner rather than after the holiday? or Do I apply these principles for as long as possible thereforeeee go on holiday playing "happy families" and be around as much as possible.