Bewildering Break-up Epic

[Lewis25]

Here goes.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me four weeks ago. It was a genuine shock. We talked about her patterns in relationships while we were together. She always had a tendency to be distracted, or to escape her situation when things became difficult. However, she seemed sure this time that she had found true love and that this would not happen with us. And it really felt like true love. We both had relationships in the past, but never had it felt so right. Intellecually, physically and instictively compatible. Neither of us wanted to change or mould the other into anything else. We had freedom, humour, intimacy and love. blah,blah,blah.

We're both performers, and I have spent some time on the road. Although the separations were difficult, we found much romance in the idea of missing eachother, and were both true to the other.

Some months ago, she did her first overseas tour with a male performer from another country. It was one of her most treasured experiences. Naturally, a friendship was formed between the two as they went on their daily adventures. After the tour I met her in Europe, and we had the holiday we'd been talking about for months. It was a great time, however part of the holiday invoved meeting her estranged father, who was very ill at the time. It was an incredibly emotionally taxing time for her, and myself to a lesser extent. Upon our arrival home, she was a bit lost. The come-down from a tour is a powerful one. You live in a fantasy world for a while where the phone never rings, the bills don't come in the mail, and every day is a brand new adventure. You wonder if it even happened, and you wonder if it will ever happen again. You're rea;ity seems very mundane for a while. On top of this, seeing her father brought on a whole other set of emotions. Things moved along for a couple of months.

She seemed detatched, but I tried to understand how she felt, and didn't want to pressure her into "getting over it". Then, her father died. There was much left unsaid between them, and it caused(is causing much pain).

For a month, I tried to just be there for her. I felt helpless. It was a very difficult time. Then one night she told me it was over. I was shocked. I asked if there was anyone else, and you guessed it, she had developed feelings for the guy she went on tour with. Turns out he's been emailing her for a while telling her he thinks he's in love with her, and she's taken the bait. After we broke up, we talked a lot. I told her I wasn't angry(and I wasn't strangely), and wanted her to know how much I loved her and would try to understand why this happened. She doesn't seem to even know herself why this happened. She was HAPPY with me. There were times when she told me she loved me more than anyone on earth. We talked about our future with hope and excitement. Now it's over, and she is with him now, in another country. She told me she was going there to try and better understand her situation. She feels like a monster, and she is painfully aware of the pattern she may be fulfilling once again. She tells me she's still in love with me. Says she can't imagine her life without me, and says that my reaction to everything has shown her a whole new side of me, and that she loves me more than ever now. So confusing. I'm not eating, and feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. And she is nowhere to be found. I haven't heard from her for five days. And I fear the worst.....

Any opinions would be truly appreciated.

Thankyou for your patience

[SandyD]

I´m sorry to hear you´re going through such a situation. Of course, I can´t really say what´s up because she is the only one who could ever say what she feels. But I will say this... she is going through upheaval. This could be some sort of "temporary insanity", where she runs off only to return sad and ever so sorry. It could not. You said yourself she has relationship patterns that include running away. Either way, how understanding do you have to be? My opinion: not this much. She left with some guy. Sorry for the harshness. Look at actions, not words. Words mean nothing in the end. I understand being mature and level headed and talking things out, and trying to comprehend eachother´s faulty behavioral patterns, but at some point your pride has to kick in, and you don´t have to wait around for her while she is away with her new guy. I mean, that sounds masochistic.

 

Ask yourself this: would you do this to her? Would you do this to her if your father passed away? Would you leave her in limbo while you took your time deciding if you wanted to be with her? Would you want her to doubt your feelings? Would you go away with another woman and count on her to be patient and wait for a potential reconcilliation?

 

Love is not fair, and this is the sort of risk we take when we allow someone to get close to us. The pain never gets any better, we never get used to it, but we learn that we always get over it... that time does heal all.

 

I wish you all the best. In the end, all I´m saying is that, while you may truly believe in your relationship and are willing to work to make it happen, and that you´re willing to put up with all this pain just to be there for her... that´s all ok, but just remember you don´t have to do all this. This is beyond what anyone could reasonably ask of a human being.

[Lewis25]

Thankyou for the reply. You're right about many things. I guess I can't help but feel that we(me and her) are different people who react in different ways. I probably wouldn't react this way to my father passing, but there is some very painful stuff in their past. Things which, thankfully I never had to go through. I guess I'm just trying to understand her, and give her a chance at happiness, through forgiveness. But yeah, she ran off to another guy. I expect they're having a very strange and passionate rendezvous, but I just can't be sure of anything they're doing. It's so soul destroying, all of it.

 

Thanks though.

[gianni]

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. I can't offer much advice, and the truth is that no one really can. THings are so different for everyone here.

 

"Says she can't imagine her life without me"

 

This will haunt you for a while, and cloud your judgment. This doesn't have anyreal meaning, and isn't any help intrying to figure out if she will decide to come back. Its a bad phrase because she isn't lying. She actually can't imagine life without you. Many times someone says this in all honesty, because she has been able to compartmentalize her feelings for you from every other facet of her life. The other man just isn't part of her daydreams, that is all it means. Somehow, whatever she does with him is entirely separate from what she plans for. I'm sure she loves you more than ever, but it only proves my point; her feelings were most intense at the point she decided to leave. For now, you occupy an indistinct and foggy place that in her mind is always just down the road.

 

I think that for now, keep it together, don't call her. Hear her out if she is willing to speak on your terms, but only if you feel that you are able to forgive her, and if you are, don't admit it to her until she has earned it. Guard your dignity. Remember clearly how painful it is when someone leaves precisely at the moment they feel closest to you, and this love they feel shouldn't be an excuse. There islots of advice for getting back to normal around this site.

[SandyD]

I guess I'm just trying to understand her, and give her a chance at happiness, through forgiveness.

 

That is truly a beautiful thing to say. It moved me. I don´t know what the future holds for the two of you... but anyone who could write a sentence like that, truly deserves to be happy.

[seren]

Sandy D said it.

 

I culdnt believe it, i only read your posts and went to write u a reply saying how amazing you are when i saw that sandy d had virtually said the same thing.

 

I havent heard anyone sound so maturely in love. your completely selfless and admirably kind. you have a beautiful soul.

 

i feel for you so much. your post almost brought me to tears, theres so much emotion in them, not only for you but also for her with her father etc.

 

i truly believe that if i can get even that bit of emotion just from reading your post, that this has happened because it had got way too much for her to handle.

 

i wish u best of luck