Would like some input especially from a gay person

[neve]

Hello. This is my first post. I am female. I have been confused about my sexuality for a while. I feel like I am attracted to both men and women both sexually but in somewhat different ways. I don't know which really defines my sexuality more.

I am more visually drawn to look at women but this is usually not in a sexual sense. There is usually no emotional feeling, just more so an admiration of beauty. This admiration of beauty I persume is normal but I think that a big reason why I do it espeacially is because I always had a poor self image of my looks when I was little. My mom made me have short hair and wear my brother's hand-me-downs (we didn't have much money) and I wanted to be more feminine and beautiful myself so I would notice beautiful older girls. I am fairly attractive now and that particular facet of noticing beautiful women still remains. When I was little I would sometimes find porn with my friends and look at it. I would get really aroused by it and much of it featured women, as most porn is directed towards a male-audience. If it is porn that features men, most of the time it is gay porn, as far as what I have seen. But at the time, I didn't think of it being a naked girl, I was just so intreiged to see a naked person! Something sexual! Although, if I saw a video of a couple having sex (or if I would see a love scene in a regular movie) I would desire to be with the male and get aroused by the thought of being close to him and touching his body. (Would a lesbian just feel that way towards the woman in the scene, not the guy?) I am not attracted to my female friends. I don't usually feel attracted to women, but if I see porn featuring women, it turns me on. It feels like a bit of pressure builds up and then my vagina will pop. It has this nice exciting "ooh" feeling. But I have to see something pornographic to have this feeling towards women. Even if I see a beautiful, sexy woman in a bikini, I don't typically get aroused by that. With men, I don't get as aroused by porn featuring men because most of it is men having sex with other men. When I would see men with nice bodies on the net or guys that I personally know that emotionally gripped me, and I think of touching them, like rubbing their chests or performing oral sex on a man or kissing them, it turns me on but the arousal feels a little bit different than with women. My vagina feels warm and inflated with a pressure that slowly builds up. It doesn't feel exciting in the same way as I feel with women but I feel very passionate, loving, and desiring to give and receive affection. It feels almost euphoric. I have wondered, 'What if I am just having these feelings when I sexually fantasize about guys because I want affection?' I know that I definitely desire affection, most people do...but then why would I be thinking of giving blow jobs? I know that the trigger that gets me with women is that porno thrill that is derived from looks alone, but with men it is an emotional, affectionate connection that makes me want to make love to them. With woman it is a visual pleasure. With men it is a more of a physical pleasure but visual as well. I would imagine that a lesbian can get pleasure from having sex with a man, but would a lesbian get turned on by pleasuring the man? Would the feel of the man's hairy chest against her breasts turn her on? Would the feeling of a man's penis in her mouth turn her on? Does this make any sense? Also, I was wondering if the fact that I get aroused a little differently by both men and women really indicates anything about my sexual orientation or general feelings that I have towards men and women. I feel like there are different things that I am getting from both. I am so confused. I just want this to truly make sense. If it was a cut and dry thing it would. But it isn't.

 

[chai714]

I'm not gay, but I'll give you my 2 cents.

 

You being turned on by watching lesbian porn is something that also turns many straight women on. If you're not attracted to any of your female friends whatsoever, then I assume that you're for the most part, straight. As a straight person, I can say that I do have some female friends that turn me on.

 

Most bisexuals were sexually abused as children, if not physically and/or both. If you had a perfectly normal childhood for the most part (except your mother dressing you on boy's clothing), then I assume that you're for the most part, straight. I'm not sure this helps you any, but that's my take on your thoughts.

[kere]

Neve,

 

I am not really sure where to begin, or even if I can shed any light on ur situation but I feel like I should try to get you to a clearer point.

 

So, as a teenager, I would look at girls and go..."mhh, she's hot" but knowing at the back of my head that I don't want to have sex with her. My attraction to girls grew more and more as I got older, all the while I had relationships with men (even though I was never really satisfied sexually or emotionally)

 

I am a lesbian and have addmitted it to myself a few mths ago. I am attracted to men....I tell my friends all the time I would go straight anyday for Usher!!!!! ...just kidding ofcourse.........I think not because ur a lesbian that means ur not gonna feel attracted to men or even get turned on by them and vise versa, not because ur staight your not gonna get turned on by women.

 

I was confused too, and my friend put it to me plain and simple....she asked, "do u want to spend the rest of ur life with a man or a woman???" I thought about it and honestly feel that I can never be totally happy with a man.

 

I have met an amazing girl whom I am totally inlove with and we want to share our livies with each other. I have never been happier or more contented in my entire life. It is like once I answered that question, everthing got super clear for me and I was able to end my confusion.

 

Maybe ur not a lesbian, maybe ur bi...or even going through a complex stage in ur life. But to help u get through this confusing time, think about a few questions carefully.

 

1. Being turned on by women having sex is natural...I get turned on by watch men having sex!!!!!.....but when u get turned on, what do u really want to do???? Do u want to go blow a really cute guy or u want to make love to a woman?????

 

2. Are you emotionally connected to men or women???....In other words which sex do u feel more connected with????

 

3. My favourite question....Do u want to spend the rest of ur life with a man or a woman??????

 

I hope I have helped in some way. Let me know

 

Kere

[patience]

neve,

 

Sexuality is rarely, if ever, cut and dry. Who is really 100% straight? Who is really 100% gay?

 

Have you ever been to a lesbian or gay club at least? Watching porn is no way to figure out your sexuality. At a club you can dance with women, which will either do something for you, or it won't. Real life contact is so much more telling that sitting back and watching a video. If you're not comfortable going to a lesbian club, you could find out if they hold lesbian dances in your area. There are ways to safely explore who you are without sleeping with someone, and without having to always watch porn

[labradoretriever]

This is to Chai..........I know of no bisexuals who were physically or sexually abused as children......and a mother dressing her daughter in boys clothing does not make one bisexual. People are born with a preference that is not always clearly defined. Please do not assume that outside influences make one gay or straight and please don't add to the misconception some straight people have of the "reasons" someone is the way they are. This implies that there is a cause and a cure. There isn't.

[-gemincer-]

i'd say you're good with watching .. um.. female porn and stuff because you're female, and know how that would feel, being in that situation, whether you've been in that situation or not.. if that makes any sense at all... ^^;

as for the rest, i wouldn't worry.. i'd say you're a regular straight person.. and really.. everybody wants to be luffed. lol

[Redrider]

Hi Neve,

 

I am a lesbian and have been for sometime, but I was a late bloomer. I "came out" to myself when I was 32 yrs. old. I can understand why you question the different feelings. Porn is great but don't let that be the measuring stick for your future. I assume that you don't have any gay friends that you can talk to so I would find out what you have available in your area to get you into the gay community comfortablity. Gay bars are fun and generally you can go and just hang out and watch. You might find that in that kind environment you will be turned on as well. If you are ready to take that step try to see if there is a gay bookstore. You can meet alot of interesting people there. I also wanted to address the difference you feel about men and women. I have been with a couple of men (years ago) and I have been with, lets just say I made up for any lost time I had with increditable women. I love men, I work with about 100 plus men. I have several good straight male friends and 2 of my best friends are men. But when I slept with a woman for the first time it rocked my world, men just didn't do it for me anymore. Please don't get me wrong-I can still see a hot guy and shall we say give him the respect he is due, it's just stops there. I can honestly say that I have never had a woman disappoint me. Again all the porn in the world doesn't stand up to real life experience. My first was with a woman that was also straight and we ended up being together for 12 yrs. I'm thinking that this will be something that you will need to do in order to know for sure where you heart and a few other things belong. I'm also not trying to push you into something that you don't want or are not sure about. You will find that out in time. One last thing for what it's worth, a one time experience does not make you a lesbian. Good luck and I hope you find whatever it is that will bring you happiness!

[neve]

Hello All:

Thank you for all of your responses. I guess the biggest things that confuse me are

~ the fact that i can get turned on if i look at naked porno women, but i am not generally attracted to women otherwise. Even in erotic dreams of women, i am either looking at a woman that i do not know or i am looking at a picture of a woman. with erotic dreams of men, i am usually engaging in sexual activity with a man.

~with women, i can feel pulses in my vagina and my breathing gets heavier. it feels great. i can also feel pulses if there is no sexual desire. (i can be just annoyed at something) do the pulses mean that i am very aroused or that i am just experiencing something highly emotional? or does one thing have nothing to do with another? i do not experience the pulses as much when i am turned on by a man, but emotionally i want to be really close to him, i feel very passionate and my vagina usually feels full and warm. i don't know if maybe it is because of different ideas men and women present to me based on what i was exposed to since childhood. i would see porn and the woman would be the main focus, so i may associate women with porn. sexuality with men has been viewed in passionate love scenes in movies.

~ i had a dream recently that i was making out with this guy that i was interested in and i was aroused by that and it felt wonderful and i felt so connected to him, but i remember feeling my vagina and i was not really wet and i was wondering in the dream if i was turned on enough because i was not really wet. i probably am focusing too much on feelings in my vagina and not enough on my emotions as a whole.

~ can a lesbian get turned on by sexual fantasies of touching a man's body sexually? i get turned on by sexual fantasies that i have where i am making love to men, kissing them, sucking their penises...but i wonder if that means anything. could i still be a lesbian?

~ i was reading about how women can get turned on by any type of porn and that their sexual orientations don't have so much to do with genital arousal, but on other factors. a woman can get genitally aroused by rape but that does not mean that she is really turned on?

 

sorry if this sounds like a rant. i just really like getting input from others and i feel more comfortable discussing these matters online for now. thanks.

[neve]

Basically, I feel intense sexual arousal from both sexes but I feel more pulses with women. I need to know if the *pulses themselves* mean higher sexual arousal towards women and if that means that I am gay.

[kaboom]

No it does not mean you are gay because u are still attracted to men. As u probably remember from another thread, I am bi.

I get turned on by both men and women (and it doesnt need to be porn, just a hot man walking down the street is enough to make my mind drift...) but in very different ways. Its actually quite a complex thing, but boiled down to the basics, if i think of me in bed with a woman, its more like i'm protecting her, taking care of her, making sure she's ok, and if its a man, its more like i want to be held and taken care of.

Pornography will usually arouse women. it was always been used in psychology for all kinds of things.

I think the issue here is, if you see a very good looking woman walking on the street or sitting accross the table, do you feel attracted to her?

I wouldnt trust only porn as a means of telling you about your sexuality.

cheers!

[neve]

I know what you mean by seeing men and women as sexually arousing but in different ways. When I am with a man that I am attracted to, I want to be close to him and being close to him, the affection, turns me on and makes me feel almost euphoric. With a woman, it seems like it is more of a thrill out of looking at her. If I see a good looking woman do I feel attracted to her? Sometimes, but it is more of a passing thought not a firm attraction and I usually do not think of sex or a relationship with the woman. I am clearly more comfortable with being sexual and romantic with a man in a way that I don't think that I could with a woman. Ever since I was little, like in kindergarten, I imagined myself, daydreamed of myself with a man and that is something that is deeply ingrained in me.