My best friend has shut me out since my dad passed

[undertheivy]

My heart goes out to you for your loss.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, this is often the case with historic friendships. When someone has been a fixture in our lives for years, we often overlook toxic qualities as they develop because the changes can be gradual. We're dealing with someone who feels like family, and so we write off stuff that we wouldn't tolerate in a newer friend.

 

With someone new, our trust meter is more likely set to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, and lousy behavior shows up more prominently as a signal to withdraw trust and distance ourselves. However, with historic friends, our trust meter has long been established at a unquestionable 9 or 10, and so our investment in that person overrides the signals to withdraw trust--until they pull a whopper.

 

Yes, that hurts. The combo plate of their disregard AND our long established trust adds a degree of insult to the injury. However, we are in control over our own response to this. This means we get to choose the degree of harm we will inflict on ourselves with our own behavior.

 

The inclination may be a total write-off, and done--or worse, a confrontation that compromises our own well being for some dramatic face-off with the offender. That's not necessary: we don't need to regress into hurtful behavior that cuts both ways. Lashing out is a primitive reaction carried by a desire to punish a wrong. However, when we can keep that reaction in check, we take ownership of our capacity to act in our own best interests, instead.

 

Who needs enemies? It's far more difficult to heal from grief and cultivate a fabulous future for ourselves when we know that our choice to punish someone has created an adversary on the planet. It's far easier to distance ourselves without burning bridges, because this signals to ourselves that we've retained our ability to invest in trust that people can (and sometimes do) evolve over time when left on their own devices. People can someday grow into a mature capacity for reflection. This fact allows you to operate in a more liberated way than holding a grudge--because grudges hurt US rather than the target.

 

Young friendships often diverge. This is natural, because we each grow into our own capabilities at different rates. You've outgrown this friend, and now you get to decide whether you can accept that gracefully, or whether you'll inflict unnecessary harm on yourself in order to punish the other.

 

Head high, read my sig, and choose wisely. You will thank yourself later.

 

I love this advice. It’s all very true and what I needed to hear. Thank you so much!