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Never gonna get over it

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My husband and I separated at the beginning of October last year. I had lost my job because I got drunk before work and he left me. Previously to this event, we had a rocky marriage for about a year with blame on both sides. Mostly due to alcohol related verbal abuse/confrontations. When one was good, the other was not. The good times were few and far between. But the love was and is still there.


After loosing my job, he said, and I was convinced, he would not be returning. This was all confirmed when I found out that he had moved in with another woman. I was absolutely devastated and proceeded to go on an alcohol and drug induced crazy spree. In the next few months it turned into a back and forth/love and hate/stay and leave fiasco. He would beg me to come back then get pissed and leave. Or I would beg him to come back and then get pissed off and kick him out. All the while he was telling said other woman that he loved her, while I was running around all over town like a true . We both did and said a lot of awful hurtful things...but somehow come January we decided to try to make things work.


In the almost 6 months since then, he has "uncovered" how many other men I was with (and yes the total is somewhere around 15). But he also is convinced that I'm still lying and "cheating" on him. He accuses me daily of doing , to the point that he records me and checks all my locations, texts, calls and so forth. I know I'm not doing anything now, but he refused to believe that. I have told him to leave if he can't trust me, but he refuses to go because he loves me. I can't be alone for a single moment without him questioning it. Furthermore, when I get angry because he won't stop being ugly and leave me alone about it, he just digs his heels in more and says I'm getting angry because I "must be lying".


I love this man more than I can possibly say, and I desperately want this to work, but all that is happening is making both our lives miserable. I don't know what to think, feel, or do anymore. Any advice would be helpful, but please no negative comments. I've had enough negativity to last a lifetime.

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I think you should go somewhere like AA and get private help as well. I don’t blame him for not trusting you and in a perfect world he would recognize that he can’t be with you right now. Maybe he can be there for you as a support by phone if you’re working on getting sober and getting professional help. I am not doubting that you care about each other but you seem to be an alcoholic and on a self destructive path and shouldn’t be in this kind of relationship

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I just want to say that I'm happy that you're taking care of yourself and have taken the steps necessary towards sobriety. It's not an easy thing, so you and everyone close to you should be so very proud of you...


Secondly, any chance you and your husband can go to couple's counseling?? Trust is so necessary to keep a relationship going...and he doesn't have much of that right now...even with all the effort you've made :-/ If you don't have the means for couple's therapy (or individual therapy), AA is actually not a horrible idea. For one, it's good for you to have the support of others during your journey and...you can have a shoulder to lean on while you deal with your husband not trusting you (a common theme when it comes to substance abuse). And for him, Al-Anon is a really good place to seek support - it's a group for the spouses and loved ones of those who have issues with substance abuse. It's so important that he works through his trust issues and it'll be *almost* impossible for him if he doesn't get help to sift through everything that's going through his head. Good luck and hugs...

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Even if separated, many a husband would have a hard time accepting that their wife was with 15 other men in less than 2 years. I'm not saying that that is fair or not--it just is so.


As others have stated, it does not seem like the right time in your recovery to be trying to renew the marriage--especially with this issue clogging up the works.

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