gf temperamental and non-responsive to sex and intimacy

[rao]

Hi!

 

I've been in a relationship with a woman nearly two years now. It started off as a long distance relationship for about six months before I moved to the same city as hers. It was great initially. She was everything I ever dreamed of...beautiful, smart, responsible, loving, ambitious and a great sense of humor to boot. I sensed she was strongheaded and quick to temper a few times but ignored it. Trouble brewed when I moved to the city she lived in. It hit me that she was domineering and highly temperamental...she would get ticked off at the smallest things. If I was late to meet her by even 5-10 minutes, if I bought books (which I do...I'm a copywriter by profession and I love books) with my own money (she thinks they're a waste of money), if I forgot where a certain ingredient is kept when I'm helping her cook...for example. And rarely does she apologize or feel bad for blowing up...she shows no emotion even if I'm crying. Anyway, I changed habits to please her. But she would and still nags me about how immatured and irresponsible I am. There is absolutely no appreciation for all the things I go out of my way to do. And what's more, it has been over 5-6 months since we've last made love...if you could call it that. Her idea of doing 'it' is for her to be on top and 'pleasure me'. Apart from kissing her, she does not even let my mouth near her neck! When I questioned her, her reply "Pleasuring you gives me pleasure!" Further discussions on the topic and she tells me she does not feel sexual urges anymore and that it could be the result of the two surgeries she's been through (she has multiple fibroids). But I don't think so cuz she doesn't like getting intimate either...cuddling, nuzzling, etc...except maybe when we sleep together with our arms around each other. This, despite the fact that we work together, have our own office room together! And oh yes, she is highly sarcastic and passes it off and gets away with it in the name of humor...it's something I found cute initially but it's tiring now to retort with a witty reply to her constant 'funny sarcasms'.

 

Strangely enough I know I can't live without her...I have spent every single day from 9am to 9pm with her the last year or so...she's become a routine I can't think of kicking. I love her but I know my level of patience is reaching rock bottom.

 

What do I do?

[mgirl]

Well, it sounds like you could be spending too much time together. If i were in your situation, i would not be able to handle it. I would find it annoying and time consuming, but if you really want to save the relationship, maybe talk to her about all of this and see how open she is to it. If she has intimacy issues it is possible she suffered some abuse in the past. If she didn't, she may be stressed out or tired. I don't understand why somebody would not want to hug you if they are in a relationship with you .

 

It sounds like it could be time to stand up to her. If she is unreceptive, then you can take it from there. You say you can not live without you, but you would be surprised about what you can really do. "Need" is not a good reason to stay in a relationship though.

 

Good luck!

[wellswomyn]

Rao,

 

I just ended a very long relationship with similar circumstances. In fact, i think you just wrote MY story there! My ex was always very sarcastic, did not want to be intimate, and generally made me feel not very loved or respected. But it was so hard to leave it, for both of us, because it was all we had known for so long. And we were stuck, or so it felt. The problem for us (and this may be different for you) was that we just were not in love anymore. I mean, we loved each other, we were best friends, we cared for each other, but there definitely wasn't that sense of "i am so in love with you i would do anything to make you happy and i know you would do the same for me". Instead it felt more like we were both following the same routine, having the same arguments, being secretly angry with each other. I totally understand how you feel. Really, I do. And I agree with the last post that you probably need to spend some time apart from her, for starters. Have coffee with a friend twice a week. And be as honest as you think you can be with her. Tell her that you feel like you are spending too much time together and that it would be good for both of you to spend time with other people. See where that leads you.

 

Good luck, K

[kere]

Hey Reo,

 

My gf has similar characteristics...she has a lot of anger inside her which is coming from her abusive dad....and to make matters worst, she is just like her dad!!!!! Sometimes she snaps at little things I do and then appologize to me. When she is sleepy too she will say things that hurt my feelings....like one time she told me to "shut the F up"...then in the morning claims that she doesn't remember!!!!!!!!

 

She doesn't want me to touch her either, she says that giving me pleasure give her pleasure. I want to make love to her the way she makes lov eto me but whenever I try she pushes me way. She is very cuddly though, she likes me to hold her and kiss her and just snuggle together.

 

She has never hit me, even though she was abusive with her last gf of 7 yrs!!!! All these things I know are signs that the maybe one day she will hit me but I guess I am just hoping and praying that she has changed. \

 

She told me that if I ever try to leave her she will F**k me up...........I know her enough to know that she doesn't give idle threats. I love her very much and we have a great time together but I am just afraid of her temper.

 

Reo, I don't know what to tell you. I am hardly the one to give any advise being that we are both in similar situations but...try creating some space between u guys..maybe that is the problem. If not, find the strength to leave!!!!

 

Kere

[mgirl]

Kere,

 

She may never hit you.