he went back to his ex...

[jewelzrn]

"....can you fill me in, bec. i obviously have no idea, even though i consider myself a well-educated/intelligent woman....here is my story....

I had been dating this guy(mike) for the past two months(it ended last weekend)...and although we had only been together a short time, we both (or so I thought)felt a very strong connection. we both said how it just felt"right"..he told my daughter a few weeks ago that he was going to ask me to marry him in august. i treated his two children(ages 4 and 7) like my own and he did the same for my daughter(14)...we did things/went out of out way for each other and saw each other everyday....well before me he was seeing a girl (wendy) for a year and a half, SHE had broken up with him six months ago...well 2/3 weeks ago she was "having problems with her boyfriend and wanted to talk to mike so she called him"...I did not know they had been conversing....how i found out....friday afternnoon, a week ago he said he was going to meet his mom for lunch at her work (I didn't know wendy worked there) until.....fri night he was acting very distant....normally when he has the kids, which he did that night , I go to his house(more comfortable for the kids). he was almost pushing the issue to come over to my house even though his son was sick saying"we can go over there"...I said "it sounds like you don't want us to go over there"...then he says "no not at all come over...are you coming over?"....so i go over there....distance, I can feel it....so sat morning his son was up early....I had to get to the bottom of it and knew that mike would never be upfront about it and i felt bad but i asked his son what they did yesterday?...he said "saw wendy" I said at her work...he said"no at her home".....I confronted mike and he said "no we did see her at her work and no i don't want to get back with her, I have to pass by her office to get to where my mom works, that is the last person I want my kids to see bec. it will make their heads spin". well i said "bring connor up here and ask him why he's lieing then"...he called his son up there and asked him why he was lieing and connor continued to say that they saw her at her house, but did seem frightened(later I found out it was the office). anyway....mike then said I interrogated his son and crossed the line at that it's over...then he said he "needed time"...I said it won't ever happen again he said it doesn't matter"it already happened it's done that's my son"...he didn't even look at the fact that he okayed it to question him...(although I do admit I was wrong)...anyway I kept saying how sorry I was and how I didn't want to loose him. he turned stone faced(very mean looking) and said it's done it's over, my feeelings are dust.then he said "just give me a few days" i said if youre feelings are dust what is a few days going to do"...he said "i guess you're right" ...i felt very confused that was sat...by monday i was beside myself confused....i didn't get how one blow out could take away from what we had and everyone i talked to said either he didn't care about you or something else is going on...everyone saw how we made each other happy so they leaned more to "something else is going on".....so on the advice of my mom who does not like conflict or drama and is the nicest person....monday,i called this wendy girl at her work (i know it's wrong, but i was confused and just wanted to know the truth). she told me...yes they did come to see her at her office on fri. they had not talked about getting back together that day, but she did ask mike at some point within the last couple weeks if he was seenig anyone and he told her "nothing serious".....sat. afternoon (right after out the blow out), she asked him to come and see her so they could talk about getting back together. she told me she was no longer with her boyfriend. I don't know exactally when she ended it, but sometime in the last couple weeks. so he and his kids went to see her sat night and talked....after hanging up with her, I went to his house and very calmly said"I'm not mad, I just wish you had been honest with me." i said are you in love with her/...he said "yes"....i asked how do you feel about me? he said "we're done"......i left and sent a text to his phone that said "I didn't want to cause problems bet you two by calling her, I just wanted to know the truth"...he texted me back saying "then leave me alone".......I sent him an e-mail after that staing that i understand why he went back to her, bec. there was 1 1/2 yrs. invested there and that we were only together two months and that was a no-brainer. i told him to pls be cautious bec. women will go back to exes only for securitie more than anything only to find out it's not what they want again...i also stated that we were really happy together before she came back and that if it didn't work out I would be willing to try again but only when/if they were completely done. i told him i won't be contacting him again for fear that he hates me and that if he wanted to talk not to hesitate to contact me I did not get a response from him good or bad (does that mean he is ignoring me bec. he is done or bec. he wants to leave that door open in case it doesn't work out with him and wendy?)........now it has been 5 days....I have not contacted him......these thoughts are running through my mind......

can it possibly work out with them if it didn't the first time? if not likely...how long would you give their relationship? how often does it work the second time around for couples if they had been together for a long time and broken up before?..do you think he will contact me?do guys ever contact girls after huge blow outs like this? do you think he will realize he made a mistake?... I also forgot to add, she is the one who told me that she had broken up with him because of "isses"....she did not go into what issues and i didn't ask....i would really like a guys perspective on this...what you think- what i should do...i have never been this confused over a break-up before and i am 33 yrs old. i just knew things were going so well until she called.....please get back to me soon so maybe i can get some enlightenment...I just really felt we belonged together...we got along great there were no other issues......thanks so much!!!...Julie

[usied]

i would say just move on , you can do much better for yourself. why would you want to be someones second choice, or their rebound girl. just keep going strong and dont contact him, and if he were to contact you id tell him to get bent. take care , and good luck

[charlotte_skye]

he was never over her........

 

even your friends said there had to be 'more to it' when u n he had that blow out over what was only over a small issue in your terms...

 

then as soon as she calls hi they get back together, plus he went there on friday, he would never go to where his ex worked if he didnt want to see her........

 

im sorry but he was never over her and is now with the one he loves, so whether or not it lasts with her u shouldnt waitin hope he comes back to you cos in his eyes hes made the right decision cos he doesnt want to be with yo, he wants to be with her, so even if they do break up and he comes back to you , you shouldnt want him back knowing hes only coming back to you cos he has noone again

[smallworld]

Hi Julie, It broke my heart to read your story. I don't know if Mike will ever come back, but to be honest I don't think he deserves to.

 

1. He baited you into interrogating his son and then summarily dumped you for doing just that. (Personally I think he did this just to have an "excuse" to dump you.)

2. He lied to you about seeing his Mom when he was really seeing Wendy.

3. He categorized your relationship to her as "nothing serious."

4. His responded to your attempts to get closure with callousness: "we're done," "leave me alone," & no response.

 

No matter how good things were before, Mike clearly isn't treating you NOW with the love and respect you deserve. It's evident that you really care for him, you're honoring his wishes, and have tried to end this relationship maturely. The question is "Why is it that the only person that seems to matter in this relationship is Mike?" Don't you matter? Don't the kids matter? Didn't the two months matter???

 

Answer those questions and I think a well-educated, intelligent woman like yourself will know what to do.

[yen]

Julie, I agree with the above post. I know its hard but you have to move on. Someone worthy of your love will come along.

[jewelzrn]

even though i see what you all are saying I would really like soemone's opinion on the questions in my last paragraph......I'd really like to know if you all think it's going to work out being that she recently broke up w/someone and they had issues when they were together before......how long would you give their relationship a month,3, 6 months,longer?....do you think if it didn't work out with them he will contact me?knowing that we had a blow-out and that i had contacted this girl at her work...(of course I will have to decide then if I want him back after what he did)...do men generally contact women after they break-up?.......do you think the break-up would have occurred if I hadn't found out about him meeting up with her?(knowing that we had had no arguments/issues in the past...everything was going along great.)...oh and he did see his mom that day too....i'm sure it was a trip to his mom's work to make an excuse to "stop by" wendy's office though........

thanks all for helping me out w/this ......

[chai714]

Jewelz,

After reading your story, I see a couple things. First off, he was never really honest with you. Second, he was never over his ex. I wouldn't be surprised if he was talking to her too on a daily basis. Since she worked with his mom, that gave him the perfect chance to make contact with her. Unfortunately, you were the innocent one here and he exploited that.

 

Another poster said that he wasn't ever over his ex - this could not be more true. He was waiting for his opportunity with her, found it, and left. DO NOT bank on him coming back. In fact, him being dishonest about the whole situation regarding her should raise some red flags to you. Remember, HONESTY is at the foundation of every healthy, lasting relationship. If someone is dishonest from the start, things will deteriorate - I GUARANTEE it.

 

As you already admit, it was wrong to get his son involved. The reason he broke up with you wasn't because you did that though. It was imminent, and he was just looking for a reason to justify his action. He found that reason, and took action to break up with you.

 

Regarding his email - no, he's not trying to keep any doors open. He didn't respond, because he does not care. He was able to turn his emotions from fire to ICE, which I am sure confuses you and causes you emotional pain. Judging from what you wrote, he's not a good person - for you, or for anyone else. He seems to hide a lot of things, and you never trusted him. Sorry this had to happen to you. Remember, if you can't trust someone then there is no relationship. Honesty breeds successful relationships. He was not honest. Looking at the postive side of things - it's better you found this out about him now, rather than after you were married, or had a lot more invested. Keep your head up, as there are much better people out there that you will be happier with.

[smallworld]

Hey Jewelz, I PM'd you the rest, but here's my take on your questions. (Note these answers apply to you & Mike too.)

 

can it possibly work out with them if it didn't the first time?

- Yes, if they work through and resolve whatever issues originally split them up.

 

if not likely...how long would you give their relationship?

- I can't say. The answer depends upon how challenging their problems are and how much they're both willing to sacrifice to resolve them.

 

how often does it work the second time around for couples if they had been together for a long time and broken up before?

- Even if I could give you a statistic, it'd be meaningless, because each case is different. If he had ended your relationship kindly, I would have suggested that you take time to heal your heart and wait no longer than 3-6 months to date others. But in this case, I suggest moving on ASAP, because his callousness was deployed not in anger (a ruse), but to destroy all hope.

 

do you think he will contact me?

- No, not as long as he and Wendy are doing well.

 

do guys ever contact girls after huge blow outs like this?

- They do, but only if they get dumped again or realize going back was a mistake. Oh yes there's one more possible reason: If they decide they're "confused" and choose not to choose, thereby getting to date both women simultaneously.

 

do you think he will realize he made a mistake?...

- I can't say. If Wendy fulfills his needs, then he may never think he made a mistake by leaving you. (Again, this is no reflection upon you, your self-worth, or the sincerity of your feelings for him. He just prefers Wendy more.)

 

do you think he would've gone back to her even if we hadn't have gotten in that argument?

- If you hadn't gotten into that argument, Mike would have left anyways. He enjoyed what you had together while Wendy was unavailable, but the bottom line is he wanted to be with Wendy MORE than he wanted to be with you. So he "manufactured" a reason to dump you! There's nothing you could have said or done differently, because a man who wants out will always find some other excuse to end the relationship.

 

One day I'm sure he'll realize what an idiot he's been and regret his actions. Hopefully you've have come to the same conclusion and have moved on by then. We teach others how to treat us. So in the meanwhile, please spoil yourself rotten and lavish the love that you're used to giving him on yourself. Lots of ice cream, funny movies, and pointless shopping are in order until you realize you deserve better!!!

 

Take care!!!

Smallworld

[ragtop2003]

Jewelz,

 

I don't know how long they were split up, but I guarantee that he wasn't over his ex . They did have 1 1/2 years together , which is enough time to build a true bond with someone. Yes you two made each other happy for the time you were together, but for a short period of time. You two were together for 2 months so you were in the "New" or "Exciting" stage, especially if you are spending so much time together. I'm not trying to make light of your situation by any means, I know it hurts- just trying to help you understand what happened/whats going on.

 

I would have to agree with smallworld's post there are unknown variables that would determine if it's going to work out with his ex.