Need advice on attraction online

[huszar]

Recently I've began talking to a girl online through a dating service, and though I find her attractive in the intellectual sense, she showed me pictures a while ago that proved very misleading from pictures in her profile she sent me earlier... I swore I would never be a jerk but I am not attracted to her in that way now despite a deep mental connection...I feel horrible because I know what it is like to be judged for such trivial things...but I cannot see myself with her...what should I do? I've been alone for a long while and I find myself rejecting someone for something aesthetic and I feel horrible....please help.

[Zimetra]

You don't need to feel horrible about it. It's not the aesthetic aspect alone - it's always the overall impression that makes us feel attracted or not attracted to someone. When you meet someone online, the lack of this overall impression can cause a 'shock' later on when you find out the picture you drew of this person was not correct.

 

It seems she intentionally wanted you to have a certain impression of her that proved to be wrong. Creating an illusion will eventually lead to disappointment. The disappointed person is - unfortunately - you. But you certainly don't need to blame yourself.

[huszar]

Deepdown I know you're right, it's just that I realize that that I've become what I swore I would never be...I've been rejected by numerous girls and it has always pained me...and now I am the one who must reject...and being a victim of rejection it hurts so much....I feel almost like a criminal because I know that in the end another person is getting hurt and I don't know what to do...thats my issue...Hurting another person feels so wrong, being the person who's always been the receiving end of it....it makes me so sad for the other person....it makes me feel rotten to the core.

[DN]

You are a good person for feeling that way but you can't fight chemistry. Attraction is either there or it isn't. What she did was foolish for it was misleading and this is a not untypical result. It is also a downside of internet dating. When you meet someone in person the physical attraction is either there or not - and it is often sub-conscious. You might like to think you are not that shallow - but it is a force of nature and that is hard to contend with.

[rionmccloud]

Just keep things friendly. There's no reason to stop talking to this person, but none to date them either. Physical appearance is a major factor in attraction so it's only natural to feel this way. There are many people I like but don't feel anything but friendship for. Now if they lost some weight.... J/k. It's part of being human. Don't worry about it.

[chris7]

The less you concentrate on getting (what sounds like) snookered and the more you think about how lucky you are to have spotted a problem early, recovering from disappointed happens faster. Me, I'd call her on the photo situation, then bid her a respectful farewell.

 

Maybe next time you participate in an online dating group, be very specific about what physical qualities you're attracted to. I see nothing wrong (or shallow) about that.