can living apart after living together work??

[clairelouise11]

hello

i've been living with my boyfriend for just over a year, his idea, his place, i pay him rent.

i had a horse up until dec last year which took up a fair bit of my time but i had to have him put down so i'm at home a lot more now.

a couple months ago my bf seemed frustrated and told me he felt trapped and needed more time to himself, i tried doing a few things in the evening but still do spend loads time at home

all last week he seemed down but didn't say anything and on sunday he told me he wanted to split up, didn't know if this was what he wanted and he felt trapped

i left for four days and last night went round to sort some stuff as i'm going to buy his flat off him (he can't afford to stay there without me and he's quite in debt too)

we got talking, i said that i thought the money situation was making him feel trapped plus his parents live in a different country and they've been having family probs.

he said sometimes he likes laying in bed alone in the morns or coming home and not speakng to anyone sometimes and cos i'm there feels obliged to speak etc etc

anyway we've decided to still see each other but not live together

do you think this is a sensible move and could make things better for us (take the pressure off him for abit and sort his money out once he sells the flat to me) he's very scared of commitment too and i think it's all happened to fast to soon for him perhaps

[honeyspur]

Well, I think you have to respect his wishes whether it's a good idea or not.

It sounds like you've pegged it - he's not ready for commitment. But also a low self esteem and probably feeling like a loser being so in debt.

I'm sure you've been clear to him that you care for him anyway - but when we make our minds up to be negative and unhappy, there is no moving us.

 

You might not be able to make him feel better, since it is a choice he made.

 

I wish you luck on this one because it may result in splitting up for good. But it might not - so you are taking a risk. But that is what growing and becoming stronger is about.

[OceanEyes]

Your relationship is starting to sound like one of convenience -- for both of you. I've read just about all of your posts here, and it's troubling to me that things haven't gotten any better. Speaking as a person who lives away from home/ family/ close friends, I know what kind of strain this places on the relationship.

 

I think you should be careful. It seems as if things are going from bad to worse with your man. About a month ago, I can remember you posting about your uneasiness in knowing "where you stood" with him, that you were too scared to ask him, etc. I'm just saying that it sounds a bit like he may be sticking around for the wrong reasons.

 

Don't stay in a relationship because of money. Don't let it get to a point where he is dependent on you financially.

[sonjam]

Some people just like being alone more than other people. My hubby can't stand to be alone at home if we are not there, so then he goes out. If I am alone at home I like it. I sometimes wish he would go and to stuff so I can have some alone time. Fortunately for me he plays golf, races bikes, etc, etc, so he's hardly ever at home (also not always nice) but you get what I mean. I know exactly what you bf means when he says its nice to come home to an empty flat. Respect his wishes. It is perfectly possible to continue a relationship like this without living together, but you need to make sure you give the guy some space. If you do that, he will automatically draw closer to you again, unless it is not the reason he wanted to split up in the first place, but he seems sincere.

 

I know it will work out in the end, hang in there!

[Wimpy]

Hi

 

Based on my experience when a guy says that they want to be on their own and have their own space and just be answerable to themselves they don't improve. I spent over a year in a relationship with a guy too afriad to make a commitment but hanging on because he couldn't say for "definite" he didn't want to be together.

 

He ended up using me for all the time he was in my country and needed me and then cleared off back home and 10 days before I was due to visit him and his family to discuss our future etc he dumped me in an e-mail.

 

Today isn't a good day but then this week has been bad so I'm pretty bitter about this.

 

He used "need to be on my own/alone" etc as his excuse.

 

I should have listened far earlier and not been such a mug. Since the e-mail he sent 5 weeks ago I've had no contact with him other than an e-mail I sent him over 2 weeks ago explaining how much he'd hurt me. His response? Nothing. Boy I got him wrong.

 

My advice - walk away NOW and start healing. I too have read your earlier posts and this isn't going the right way.

[RayKay]

I would say don't settle for this arrangement. Honestly, why do you want to be with someone who does not even really want to be with you? It is clear that he is "not that into you". I mean really, are YOU okay with living apart now that you lived together?

 

I don't think this is a healthy relationship, but you are settling for whatever scraps he is throwing you - you are both holding on for some reason, but it is not the right reasons it would seem and things are not getting better.

 

In a healthy relationship, partners WANT to see their significant others and spend time with them! Sure they still need their own space and will get it at times, but they do not see their partners as being in the way, or trapping them in a relationship.

 

I would say that if this is the "only " time something like this has gone on....and he just wanted you to give him some space after a bad day then that is probably quite normal, but wanting to live apart is far more extreme and is not how healthy couples handle problems.

 

I would walk away from this now....I really think if you hang on for scraps that you will get more hurt in the near future. Don't let him get message you are willing to settle for whatever little bit he wants to offer...he will lose respect for you, and I predict that this "arrangment" will only continue to "expand" until you both can also "see other people" and so on.

[clairelouise11]

ok, we had a good chat the other day. He says he changes when he gets into relationships and he's aware that he does. He's full on for the first six months then he starts to think 'god i don't want this anymore'

I asked him about his parents, his mother has always controlled his father and basically worked him into the ground, he said he sees a lot of himself in his father, i guess he's scared he'll end up like him or something, i assured him he wouldn't. So i guess his parents haven't exactly been very good relationship role models for him. Is there anything i can do to make him realise that relationships don't have to be hard work and that they can be a good thing. He said that as soon as something difficult comes up he thinks its easier to bale out.

[newts]

Hi Claire,

 

I have been through this before with somebody I was living with for over a year. We split for various reasons and it just wasn't the same, we both suddenly had our freedom again. I am not saying it doesn't work, it usually makes you drift further away. When you are living with somebody you have to allow them space and time to unwind, by him felling obligated to talk to you is not your problem it's his. All he needs to say is I am going to have a shower etc... and maybe read alone for 1 hr or so, it's not that hard when you can communicate.