What causes the rejected to analyse every detail every last

[quing]

word said, and our ex's behaviour.

 

I'm guilty of it, and everyone else does it too.

Although the dumpers usually not thinking anything until they stop getting any attention from the one they jilted.

 

I dumped a girl I was rebounding on for a month many years ago and I got accused of giving her false hopes by looking at her and watching her in a club, I remember thinking what the hell is she on about, I had not looked at her in the slightest, and then she started to go out with one of my mates and he kept trying to make me jealous along with her, it was quite pathetic.

 

All that was on my mind all along at the time was what I considered my real ex that I had just split up from in a previous relationship. It was truly bizarre looking back how deluded and way off target they were.

 

Another example is when I dumped my first long term to play about at uni.

She went crazy, it freaked me out but I sure felt secure to carry on and resisted her control.

But anyway I was not analysing anything she might be thinking or where she might be going back then. 'UNTIL', thinking back now, she seemed to be happy and getting on with her life.

This is when I started chasing her and eventually asked her out again.

I could not bare the thought of loosing her at the time. Years later she dumped me, heh heh, oh well.

 

It occurs to me that when you are dumped naturally most people chase, but if you do not chase and get on with your life some how it takes away the dumpers security and fun in what they are doing.

 

Back to the original topic, can anyone shed light on why people analyse everything after being dumped? Why are we at these boards obsessivly?

Why amI boring my family to death about my most recent exs actions and movemnts.

Is it like a post traumatic stress symptom,

Like if you have a car crash you talk about it for weeks and sometimes months after wards.

[annie24]

Back to the original topic, can anyone shed light on why people analyse everything after being dumped? Why are we at these boards obsessivly?

 

I think that people look for some hope that the dumper still has feelings for the dumpee. That the dumper is possibly reconsidering the decision to break up, or that they still have feelings for the dumpee.

 

I guess it's just part of the healing stages, as you say. Eventually, most people get tired/bored of analyzing the ex's every move, and they meet someone new, and life goes on...

[DN]

Again, I agree with Annie. From reading posts on here the one who is dumped will look for any sign that the dumper may change his/her mind and will seize on the slightest thing to analyse.

 

Another aspect to this is the need to know why they were dumped? And I think that most of the time people want to know that so that they can argue that the reason is not really valid, or that they can fix what was wrong, or somehow convince the dumper that a mistake was made.

 

It is also noteworthy that many people say "everything was fine until I got dumped", when it obviously was not.

[quing]

Yeah looking for hope, thats the word.

 

Thats whay I believe that as soon as you are dumped you must say oh well, brush yourself down and get on with life. (well appear that way in front of the dumper)

Strict NC the dumper, make them curious enough to get in touch act too busy or don't reply straight away, dont share your feelings with them about the old relationship, they hate it when you seem over them, make them feel the loss which is yourself for what you were suppose to feel.

 

Get them analysing your behaviour.

[MetallicAguy]

Why do the rejected analyze every detail?

 

Because they have some study that ties obsessiveness to attraction. And plus you want what you can't have.

[DN]

And plus you want what you can't have.

 

Not necessarily - there have been plenty of cases where the dumpee tried to let the dumper know they were no longer available using that theory - and the the dumper still didn't want them. Some people think that is what no contact is about.

[quing]

I suppose it depends on who it is and the situation.

[annie24]

I think, the study that MetallicAguy is referring to was in the April 2004 issue of the Journal of Cognative Neuroscience. (i believe.) What they found was that romantic love had chemical similarities in the brain to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

[DN]

I think, the study that MetallicAguy is referring to was in the April 2004 issue of the Journal of Cognative Neuroscience. (i believe.) What they found was that romantic love had chemical similarities in the brain to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

 

Dammit - I thought my wife found me attractive and it now seems she might just be having a disorder.

 

My friends would say that explains a lot about me though.

[sisterlynch]

That is just how your brain works. It wants to go over the signs of hurt. You must learn to control the mind...it will make you feel out of control if you don't.

 

Go to a therapist, join lots of groups. Do anything that will make you think of the problem less.

Exercise is always a good one.

[Mr. B]

I thoguht it was a simple matter of needing to know what you've done wrong so you don't repeat your mistake.

 

Incidentally, I'm probably about to get dumped myself. I've been in what I consider to be a nearly perfect relationship with a lovely girl since Christmas. A few weeks ago she said she was unsure about our relationship and had to figure out her feelings. That was like 3-4 weeks ago and she hasn't contacted me yet. Anyway, I was wondering for the longest what the problem was, assuming it must be me. It's recently occurred to me however that i've been affectionate, considerate and respectful so I realize it's out of my hands.

 

Since the only consistant factor in all your failed relationships is you one can't help but wonder what we're doing wrong.

[rebirth]

in addition to the reasons mentioned above, because it has to be done. whoever leaves a relationship (as the dumper or the dumpee, doesn't matter) and does not even care enough to spend some time to ask himself the right questions, will probably have to experience a lot of dejavu moments later in their life.

[Coyote9]

I think it's only natural, when we've invested so much time ienergy in a situation that our ex's end without our input to want to understand why it happened. After all, the person had come to represent our hopes and dreams, and all of a sudden we seemingly mean nothing to them. They walk away and we are in shock, even though we can look back and see signs that things were not right for many weeks and months. Personally, I've come to believe the problems lie not in our getting over the breakup after the fact, but not noticing the loss of interest level on the part of our partners in the ensuing weeks and months prior to the breakup. We live in denial and in our hopes rather than in the reality of what our guts are often telling us. It's hard to do, but I think if we can somehow see the other person and situation for what it is as soon as it starts to go badly, rather than trying harder and giving more, we need to pull back and remain as objective as we can (yes it's very hard to do). If it's clear that our partners interest level in our relationship is significantly lower than our own, we need to make the call to get out and go NC. And then resist (which I never am able to do) their efforts to reconnect until they can truly show us they've dealt with their issues and have an interest level that equals ours.

 

I'm about two months out from my breakup, and she's slowly becoming real again....I can see how poorly I was treated and how unmotivated she was to make it work. When it ended two months ago, I would have told you this person was my soulmate. Not so. If she was, we'd obviously be together. So in my book, analysing is necessary, but only because we failed to do that during the relationship and didn't listen to our intuition which was telling us the truth about our partner all along!

Coyote

[servedcold]

I spent/spend lots of time analyzing the ex relationship because I had never been treated so badly with no warning signs whatsoever (there were signs, just had no experience recognizing them). It is worthwhile to spot red flags for the future, and to find company here who have also been treated badly. Better here where birds of a feather flock than burdening family and friends with it.