i despise myself

[beautiful_monkey]

over the past couple of weeks, after a 8 years of on-off depression/OCD/anorexia, ive had a few moments where ive come very close to suicide. essentially it comes down to issues i have with relationships (i find them stifling or i mess them up), the issues ive always had with self esteem , paranoia, body loathing, etc as well as being very prone to depression. my parents dont *do* mental illness.

 

i can act happy but i *act out*.....in weird behaviour, over-confidence etc etc, i have genuinely scared some of my friends..theyve stuck by me but have admitted i can scare them...i can be manic, violent one day then so calm it seems like im stoned the next...the littlest thing gets to me and i feel like i cant ever be happy....i just feel awful. last week i went to bed at about 7pm cos i just couldnt face living amymore that day...used to be 11pm-6am. the last thing was this morning i weighed mysefl at a mates house and i was so heavy...but ppl tell me im slim...but...oh god i just dont know thanks for listening....i shouldnt feel this way i have family+friends+sxhool+bf+job+voluntary and community work............but i hate it all.

 

i feel ugly and worthless and i know some ppl would be very sad if i killed myself but after awhile theyd get over it.

b_m (17/f)

[rosierizzle]

You HAVE to get help. You cannot go on living like this - you are not the only one suffering - by not getting help you are hurting your friends, family and yourself.

 

Never feel that life isn't worth living. There is always something in everyones life that they would live for, find that thing and whenever you have one of these 'moments' think of it, it might help, I don't know, I'm no expert but please just get as much help as possible.

 

Good Luck

 

Rosie Rizzle

[redmiata92]

If it's any consolation, you're not the only person feeling this way. I for one and an ex of mine both feel the same way you described. I'm actually glad to hear that you realise that people will miss you if you just disappeared.

 

I'm going through something like that now. Someone whom I really care about just stopped talking to me. It's been a couple of months now and still no word or replies. It's like she just died and went away. They say time heals all pains, but some pains don't. We just try to compensate for the pain by distracting ourselves with everyday life. That's just what you described isn't it? Acting happy when you're not feeling that way inside. Everybody does it one way or another. It's a way to cope with what we go through.

 

But I digress... on low self esteem, I too was overweight, lost the weight because i had to sign up for boot camp, but 10 years down the road, the weight is back with reinforcements. Fat would describe me now too. It was probably one of the reasons also that the person I cared about left. At the end of the day, I realised that despite all that, I still had a choice. The choice to :

 

a. Feel bad about it, eat to feel better and feel bad about eating too much later (repeat cycle); or

 

b. Do something about it (go to the gym) and in the meantime say heck to what anybody thought, because they wouldn't be there to appreciate the new me.

 

Hope this helps. Btw, if messing up in relationships is any measure to go by, I would've been long gone by now (i'm 31). It's a learning experience, and you know what they say... experience is something you get just after you need it. I like to think of it more like the odds. If you flip a coin often enough, it'll land heads side up. Likewise, every mistake you make brings you closer to success. Be kind to yourself.

[tabytha]

Suicide is a permenent solution to a Temporary Problem.

 

And the problem you feel surrounding you will only persist if you refuse to seek help and support.

 

and no... no one will 'get over it' eventually. Take it from someone who's lost someone. There's a whole in their hearts that will never be filled. Just because people won't solve their emptiness by following you into voluntary death doesn't mean they've 'gotten over it'.

 

You sound like you have a very full and busy life. Maybe you need to take some time out. and time off. Cut back on your social and extra curricular activities, invest in a cousellor, find the root of your sadness and work on healing yourself. You can come through this and you'll be stronger for it. And those who love you will be happier for having you in their life.

[helpme145]

You definitely need to go get some proffessional help. I know people tell you things on this site and you feel that it is embarrassing and not worth it but i would suggest that you definitely go get some proffessional help and sort out your problems. I'd say it is a must.

 

Remember, no matter how bad life may be looking, with a little effort and a little outside help, you will find yourself living life to the fullest.

[dave_1966]

Beautiful_monkey, I live in the UK also. What everybody is saying to you here is right, you need to get help. You're only 17, have everything to live for. Lot's of people around your age have similar feelings, it's part of becoming an adult. You will NOT feel like this forever. When I was down, I walked in to a NHS walk-in centre and was treated fantastically, and this is obviously done in strict confidentiality. The website is;

 

nhsdirect.nhs.uk

 

The telephone number is 0845 4647 (though bear in mind they normally take your details and call back about an hour later)

 

I don't know what your relationship with your folks is like, but I can't help but think they care about you enormously. If you can, try to tell them how you feel. If you're not comfortable telling them, use the NHS details above (if you're not happy talking to your GP)

 

All the things you mentioned (depression/OCD/anorexia) are amazingly common conditions, and I know that depression and OCD are linked. One of my friends suffers from OCD. A professional/Doctor will know exactly what medication you need, if you even need medication. Just don't go on suffering alone and unnecessarily.

 

Post on this site and say what advice you've been given.

 

Good luck.