Was_it _worth_losing_us Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 I'm going threw a divorce after 18 yrs of marriage, My heart is aching and thoughts of him never leave me. We both agreed to get divorced only because the fights were meaningless but the passion left. Dont get me wrong I love him with every breath within my body, but he could not love me the way I wanted to be loved. I would sit and talk with him and let him know what i needed and yet he would ignore me. One day I had an affair, I felt wretched and told him what i had done, he did not seem angry or upset, my heart new something was wrong, but I was pleased he forgave me. A few days ago I caught the love of my life of 18 yrs with the woman he has been having an affair with. To my surprise I have never felt more pain and never cried so much in my life. I am just wondering do the tears ever stop flowing? Does your heart ever quit hurting? Why do I want him back? Does the pain stop? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 Hi was it worth, I am sorry you had to see that. It sounds like you and your husband were having problems for awhile. You can't really blame him for cheating, you did as well. Having said that, it doesn't make it hurt any less, 18 years of your life is a long time to spend with someone, it's natural that you are grieving and feeling the pain. You will feel it for a while. I do promise you however, you will recover, it just takes time. Try to keep busy, exercise (believe me it helps), do things you enjoyed solo before and reconnect with your friends and family. Hang in there, it will be tough for awhile, but you will get over this. Link to comment
DN Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 I agree with Hope. The big sign that he was really out of the marriage was when he didn't seem to mind you cheating. Only you can say why you want him back. before you do that, decide if you want him back - there is a difference. 19 years is a long time to be with someone and it may be the thought of divorce is what is really scary to you. You forget the reasons the marriage went bad and start thinking that being on your own will be worse. Link to comment
skeeter Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 I have to agree with the others. I am divorced myself. Its almost 3 years and as time goes by it gets less harder to cope with the pain that you are hit with. I do not think affairs are the worst we can do to each other. Sometimes growing together in an immature way is the problem that causes our marriages to dissolve. Understanding and give and take is what keeps arguments to a minimal amount. The less we understand the more we tend to argue. I was with my Ex for 21 yrs and married to her for 17. Although affairs did become a part of both of our lives the only reason we decided to keep it going longer after the affairs that were encountered was because we both forgave each other. Truthfully I do not think we can decide that easy to just end a marriage thinking life is better else where. I think we end it to find out who we are and what we really want. The only problem is one always gets hurt more then the other. But we aren't alone in this world. So many people are divorced and living life either happier or still rebuilding their independence. I still talk to my Ex and hang out with her and my kids. It really does hurt but, I am doing it for my kids and to rebuild my strength for independence. She knows I still love her and that is normal for the one who was heart broken. If a time gets me through it all and I meet someone else someday then I guess I'll let go of my feelings for her. But until that happens, I can't force anything on her, I can only be her friend and let her see I am ok with her decision and if we get along better then we ever did in our marriage then I guess the marriage is what made us both mature and realize our mistakes made with each other. And who knows what's in the future. No one can really answer for you but you will know soon enough what feelings you really do have and what feelings are worth or not worth holding onto. Link to comment
Napoleon Bonaparte Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 It seems pointless and like wasted effort to have spent such a long time with somebody who you weren't meant to be with. I don't really believe in divorce though, unless there is cheating or physical abuse. Your stories are so nihilistic. Link to comment
Shadows Light Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Ouch... someones been reading Nietzsche. Well here's the thing.... "Stuff Happens".... and Human nature is such that it makes great philosophers spend their whole lives trying to figure it out. Why why why. So saying... us humble humanoids are prone to error. I don't know if the pain ever goes away. I hope it does. My marriage of 14 years has ended... 18 together. Who knew? yes yes yes... many signs... many red flags... and you work on it an you work on it.. and you give it one more try. And you read this self help book.. or that one. Or you go to counseling. And its ok for a while... and then the stressors of everyday life take its toll even further. Marriage today... or holding a relationship together is a very difficult task. Look at the divorce rates. Whats it at 67% these days... and 85% of the time its the woman that files. hmmm. Things happen that are beyond your control. Even a rock will crack under the constant onslaught of drops of water after a time. I think that the pain goes away as soon as you learn to "Live" again..... and by that I mean... enjoy the little abundances that you have. The fact that you woke up today... the sun is shining... you can walk, talk, and see. Start looking at all the bright colors in the world instead of just seeing shades of gray. Believing in yourself is not Nihilism. Maybe its the its the institution of marriage that has become that...and thats because the rules have changed and not everyone plays by the same rules. Marriage is about "Sharing"your lives and about being a witness to the other persons "LIFE"...that means growing together...but allowing each other to grow. Like the branches of an oak tree. If anyone of those is stunted... what have you got? The death of the tree. Link to comment
Napoleon Bonaparte Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Shadows the divorce rate is 50/50, most of the divorces coming out of the bible belt. The woman is a tad more likely to file for divorce. Like 6 or 7 % points. That of course doesn't mean her partner doesn't agree to it. However wasting 18 years on someone when both of you turned out to be unfaithful and one of you doesn't care is indeed a waste of time and emotion. Link to comment
brando Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Is it a waste Napoleon?? Perhaps in that 18 year marriage that is now dissolving, they will bot learn something very valuable about themselves, about love, and about life. Lessons are taught in many ways, which include loss. Just because a marriage ends in divorce, does not prove it to be a waste of time. Skeeter makes a good point : Truthfully I do not think we can decide that easy to just end a marriage thinking life is better else where. I think we end it to find out who we are and what we really want. NOne of us know what will happen day to day. Im sure their intentions of staying married were their in the beginning..but due to individual experiences, individual belief systems, the realtionship broke down, due to communication skills, realtionship skilss, whatever. I am not an advocate on divorce. I recently went through it, and it was a sad affair. But it was necessary to teach me what i wasnt learning in my marriage. I am a better person from this experience. It isnt so much a waste of time that a marriage ended, it is what you do with it...as with any experience in life.. just my opinion. Brando Link to comment
Napoleon Bonaparte Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Brando it's definitely a waste. There is nothing they could learn about love that would be worth 18 years with the wrong person when they coulda learned whatever special knowledge that is (which I am not sure what) it with someone better in half that time. Sometimes in life, we waste our time and effort making the wrong decisions. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Brando it's definitely a waste. There is nothing they could learn about love that would be worth 18 years with the wrong person when they coulda learned whatever special knowledge that is (which I am not sure what) it with someone better in half that time. Sometimes in life, we waste our time and effort making the wrong decisions. Maybe it didn't feel like it was the wrong person to them for 18 years. If they stayed together that long then obviously at some point during that time something felt right. Wouldn't you think? I don't think any of my past relationships, no matter how badly they ended, were a waste of time. They have helped shape who I am now and I took something from each of them. Link to comment
brando Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Napolean, We seem to disagree, and i am not sure if this is the first time , or i am confusing you with someone else, but it is okay. It offers me another perspective. Link to comment
Napoleon Bonaparte Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Bradon lol not a biggie. If everybody agreed life would be..boring. I like debating and hearing people who disagree with me. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Bradon lol not a biggie. If everybody agreed life would be..boring. I like debating and hearing people who disagree with me. Haha don't I know it Napoleon! (aren't you in law school, or going? Good practice!) Link to comment
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