Checking Ex's Email

[Nap-Man]

Ok, I know how bad this is to do but I did it anyway. I just wanted to keep tabs on her. I think she figured it out since she changed her password. I never did anything like this before in my life but with this girl I just wanted to know what she was doing. I am glad I know the things I know but I always felt gulity about breaking her trust. Has anyone else ever done this? Has anyone ever found out their ex is checking up on them in this way? What was the reaction? I was too weak to control my urges to check her email am I the only one who struggled with this?

[kskm]

Nope, I think I have responded to you before about something similar.

I use to do it, and then he caught on and changed his password, and it drove me crazy, I would stay up late at night trying to crack the code lol. But it is WRONG. He turned around and did the same thing to me, didn't feel so great, even though I had nothing to hide. Stop doing it. Everytime you feel like it send me your password and email and I'll check yours, it doesn't feel good.

[venus777]

Yes... I did that too. With my ex-boyfriend. When I was with him, I checked his email because we shared the same pop program and I didn't even have to use his password! All I had to do was check his mailbox. He totally trusted me and I totally broke his trust. Later on, he gave me his password to his friendster account and I found out that way back after we'd been together for three months he'd been talking to this girl about how he was trying to get me to have an open relationship. He even said something about how he'd be with her if he wasn't with me.

It felt crappy, because then I knew that he'd been trying to convince me to have an open relationship with someone in mind.

So then, I was super mad and it was pretty unwarranted because I should have trusted him and I didn't need to be so up into his personal life that I knew that much about him. He never did cheat on me, anyways. But it was crazy, cause to this day (as far as I know) he hasn't changed the password, but I haven't looked at it since about December. Now that I'm with someone else, it's always in the back of the mind how I crossed those boundaries with my ex and I'm always afraid of crossing those boundaries with my current bf. It sucks, because then when I cross other boundaries (such as those in the post I put up in the miscommunication section), I feel completely and utterly depressed. Like right now.

[DragonGirl724]

i was pissed as hell when i found out an ex of mine was snooping!

cut it out!!!

 

-DG724

[chai714]

I've known people who have done this. What most don't know, is that you pay a psychological price. It lowers your self-esteem as a result of doing this, because you are choosing to do what FEELS GOOD, instead of what is GOOD AND RIGHT. It might feel good to do it (because it satisfies your curiosity or anxiety), but it will chip away at your self-esteem because you're robbing yourself of self-control.

[DragonGirl724]

well said chai. youre exactly right. im sorry but snooping is creepy, obsessive, immature & completely uncalled for.

 

-DG724

[annie24]

and don't forget illegal!

[DragonGirl724]

very true! i almost pressed charges on one of my Exs for hacking into my email & ACTUALLY EMAILING MY CURRENT BOYFRIEND AT THE TIME! causing all this drama & making up lies...people are absolutly UNBELIEVABLE sometimes!

 

-DG724

[venus777]

Yeah- it's true that it breaks down your self esteem... Anything like that, in which you are putting all of your energy into someone else...

 

I would definitely call it obsessive. And unhealthy. I never will ever do that again. I learned my lesson as it still causes me pain in thinking about it. My ex still loves me a lot, even though he knows about it, and wants to be my friend, but I can't handle it. It hurts too much to think about what I did.

[DragonGirl724]

whats done is done. dont beat yourself up over it. nothing you can do now but appologize. oh well, live & learn. isnt that what life is all about?

 

mistakes are only mistakes when you dont learn from them. otherwise theyre lessons learned the hard way.

 

-DG724

[Drizown]

i know all of my ex's passwords, and none of them have changed them. i've done it once, but told them and they understood. we're still good friends. I dont think it's a big deal... unless you do it frequently, and start deleting messages she's getting from other males, then that's wrong, plus be sure you don't come to the point of being on the verge of stalker material.

[venus777]

I talked to him the first time in two months. He forgives me, but for me it still causes me pain. I told him I can't talk to him, because I have to move on from the past.

 

Once you do something like that you know the potential is inside of you to become obsessive. Like when my current boyfriend is mad or upset about something, I can feel those incontrollable feelings that led to what I did. Not that I would EVER read his email. He's mentioned one of his common passwords to me once in passing, and I'll never use it or try it or anything. But it doesn't matter... that potential is always there and those feelings are always there that I have to battle.

 

What sucks is that my boyfriend said to me that there is a suspicious energy I have. And it sucks. Because I'd never do that to him, but it's like there is something about me that caused me to do what I did and it's still there, I just have to control it. And it's painful to know it's still there.

[annie24]

i know all of my ex's passwords, and none of them have changed them. i've done it once, but told them and they understood. we're still good friends. I dont think it's a big deal... unless you do it frequently, and start deleting messages she's getting from other males, then that's wrong, plus be sure you don't come to the point of being on the verge of stalker material.

 

I'm sorry to tell you this, but checking their messages AT ALL is being a stalker!!!! It's illegal, intrusive, and just all around wrong.

 

When things are over, it's time to move on. Don't be bugging your friends to find out what the ex is up to. Looking through e-mails is definitely part of hanging on to the ex and stalking. Yes, it's bad - it's not something that can be done in 'moderation.'

[Kaia]

I'm one of the guilty ones as well.

 

For my first bf I checked it when we were still together, and found out about another girl. He didn't cheat on me technically, but pretty close. I told him what I did and asked him about her. He was very sorry and said he should have deleted her emails We sticked together for a while longer but he changed his password after that. (yeah, I found that out by trying his password again. That was pretty low of me but I didn't confront him with it again because I was embarrased about it. He originally said he wants to tell me his password because he has nothing to hide)

 

As for my most recent ex. I've had his password all along but never checked until a couple months after we broke up. I initiated the breakup but he wanted to get back together. So after a few months of his persistent plea I started to waver and thought maybe I should give him another chance. So I ended up checking his email, and found out something that tells me the breakup was a good decision. I never touched his email account after that. He probably still has the same password.

 

I agree with venus. It only lowers your self-esteem. If my next bf tells me his passwords, I think I'll just tell him that the temptation is apparently too great for me to handle.

[Hope75]

When you break up with someone thier life becomes none of your business. It's hard, wondering what they are doing, I know, but it is very wrong to invade thier privacy and disrespect them by checking thier email/messages.

 

The farthest I have gone is to look at the web browser history on my ex's computer, and I found out he was looking at online personal ads. Did I get what I wanted? What did I want? I can't say, but I was hurt and I got what I deserved for snooping.

 

I don't recommend it.

[Nap-Man]

wow this sure did receive some replies. oh trust me i know it was wrong it was just so hard not to. the problem was that she checked her email on my computer and explorer has the auto fill option, so all i had to do was start typing in her name and it would let me in. i knew how pathetic and selfish it was but i just had to know what was going on. i would have stopped but unfortunately i found emails from my roomate to my ex. he was asking her to have sex with him and to go out with him but not to tell me. i know it was not any of my business but i wanted to keep tabs on him after that. i would prefer to know when i am being messed with and unfortunately that won out over respecting my ex. i would never alter her emails or delete anything from her mail. i did have enough self-respect to not do that.....but not enough control to not check it to see what my roomate was up to.

 

i really never did it to manipulte her life. i wanted some answers and to keep tabs on people who were working behind my back. that is no excuse for what i did but it was a reason i had so little self control. everyone here is right, it was a low, disrespectful thing to do and if she knows she has every right to be pissed. i am glad she changed her password so there will not be any temptation ever again. its a tough lesson to learn here. i feel incredibly bad for breaking her trust and using her private emails like that but on the other hand i am glad to know the information i found out. oh well, i guess i just have to live and learn.......

[venus777]

Hey Nap-Man-

 

I'd really recommend that you tell her exactly what you just told us... I think you'll feel better if you come clean. After all, the relationship is over anyways, and she obvious has figured out you were reading them, and so apologizing and explaining could only help your case.

 

Plus, there is a chance she'd at least forgive you. She might not ever trust you again, but at least she might forgive you and you might feel better about it.

 

It's not to say that the temptation will never happen again... Believe me, that initial curiosity that prompted you to snoop is *always* still there. I personally think it's better for someone to do something behind my back and me be played the fool, than for me to do something equally wrong which is to snoop... even thoughwhen the temptation is there it's hard to avoid.

[Nap-Man]

venus,

 

i was thinking the same thing............working on an email now to say i am sorry. i have never broken anyones trust like this before. everyone i have ever known has referred to me as one of the most trustworthy people they know. i can't believe how bad i feel for all of this. love sure does make you do stupid things.

[venus777]

nap man-

 

unfortunately we can't call it "love". What it really is is called control. It's a sad fact, but we have to admit it (thus of us afflicted with this "condition" of invading another persons privacy).

 

we want to know what is going on in someone elses life; we get addicted to looking for clues that they are doing something that will hurt. it's essentially an addiction, but it is based in control- this inclination to try to know everything about our lover or our ex that they have chosen not to share with us....

[Nap-Man]

yes, you are 100% correct. i wasn't entirely serious with my comment.

[PB]

I recently succumbed to this same habit. A couple of weeks ago I guessed my ex's password. Man, I was so shocked (and I'll have to admit-- somewhat thrilled) when it accepted what I entered.

 

I happen to share an office with my ex, and I can generally tell from the sound of her keystrokes accross the partition whether she is "programming" or emailing.

 

For about a week, I spent half of my day reading her mail. I also found some older archived stuff that I looked at that was during the time that lead up to our breakup. Of course I found stuff that I didn't like. The main thing being probably that she was obviously getting closer and closer to this one guy that she kept telling me was just a friend. They weren't involved physically, but I could tell by the notes that she was becoming more and more interested in him. You could tell by the timestamps that she would send me a 2 line note and then follow it with a 2 page note to him. There wouldn't be anything romantic or anything in the note--but you could tell that she was sharing a lot about her life with him (all the parts except the ones involving me!)

 

After thinking about it some and reading some of the threads here, I decided after a week or so that I would quit logging on as her. It was very, very, difficult to quit. Every day her account would practically scream out me, "Go, ahead, READ ME!!!!!! WHAT'S THE HARM???"

 

Of course the harm was that I was getting obsessed with it and it was violating her privacy. I would be in bed at night and think about getting up just to see if any new messages from her new boyfriend had come through. I realize now that it was just me wanting some control over her life that I didn't have anymore.

 

Well, about an hour ago, I confessed to her what I had done. I told her beforehand that she would be mad. All in all, she took it relatively well. She did say that she felt like she had been robbed. And then went on to say, "I'm glad you did it if it helps you to hate me more." I told her that I didn't hate her, but I did bring up some things about what I had read that led to some further discussion about what happened in our relationship.

 

I told her that she needed to change her password. I had quit checking it, but I knew that in a weak moment, I was capable of checking it again.

 

I also told her that she needed to get a personal email account set up instead of using the company's email system. It was pretty obvious that she's been sitting there most of the work day emailing back and forth with her boyfriend. I told her that all that stuff is getting logged somewhere and there might be other folks who might take notice that she's sending and receiving personal emails all day.

 

I guess what I'm basically saying is, don't go down this road. I feel very, very bad about what I did. I surely didn't want to confess it either. I pretty much had decided never to do it again and to never tell her either.

 

I feel better now that I've stopped, I've admitted it, I've apologized, she's changed her password, and I don't have to think about doing it anymore.

[kaime]

I've always had the passwords to my ex's accounts all of them and I never once thought about looking at them w/o his permission until I caught wind that he may be cheating on me. he had been getting calls...well i checked and low and behold there it was. a note to her a note from him. he was cheating on me, plain and simple.

 

we had even had relations!

 

he busted me on it - funny b/c i was going to tell him the day after i found out (we were going to a family function that day so I didn't say anything then was going to wait until the morning the next day - even had spoken with a guy friend who urged me to be truthful and tell him that i knew what was going on) and i busted him on his infidelity. which was worst? you be the judge. if i hadn't had seen the email, he would have continued to see me and this other woman we didn't have an open agreement.

 

anyways i don't feel like i have low self esteem for doing it. i feel bad for finding out the truth because i loved him and wanted him but if i hadn't i would have been in the dark. him continuing to sleep with me and others which is a scary thought in this day in age with all the diseases going around. i am glad that i did it. for 2 years i trusted him and never snooped in any of his things on purpose - this was the first time i started to have doubts and suspicions and he would not admit anything to me other than saying "oh no things are fine."

 

i feel like he's a jerk for even trying to start this charade - i wouldn't have checked his email if i hadn't had clues that he may have been cheating. i still have total access to his accounts, had access to all his journals, etc. i've not went back in there. no need to, found out what i knew might be true.

 

i think when we're faced with uncertainty esp. if you believe a partner is cheating, sometimes...you do things you normally wouldn't do. is it right/wrong? i don't know. i can't answer that. for me i thought i was doing the right thing at the time. if he snooped in my stuff would i be furious? probably not, i had nothing to hide in terms of infidelitiy. i just know, i'm glad i know now what i didn't know then. im heartbroken and there is no future for us but at least i know that he cheated on me and was trying to keep it a secret.