Getting over being jaded

[Barely81]

I had a really tough break up about a year and a half ago, from previous posts I'm not exactly sure it's clear how much my mental health took a nose dive, but I recovered....ish. The lost pregnancy coupled with how the resulting break up occurred destroyed how I value myself.

 

Fast forward to today. I'm about to celebrate my one year anniversary with my jaded partner in life, we started off casual and never planned for a serious relationship, yet it happened. He has been my constant, he got me through the mess of my last relationship and other traumatic things that have hit me this last year. I've become a support system for him and things are great, so what's the problem? We are both jaded as (fill in an appropriate bad word).

 

He has a daughter that I adore and he doesn't want any more kids, and while I love being in her life it hurts that I'm never gonna be a mom. Now I can move on and find someone that wants kids, but I've had 2 miscarriages and I'm not sure I can handle a third. Plus I'm not willing to give up a healthy relationship for something that may not happen (fertility issues coupled with being close to 40).

 

He is always there for me and we spend quality time together but he's not ready to move in together and I'm always comparing our milestones to his ex and that's where I lessen my value in my own eyes. The logical part of me recognizes that he is in a different phase of life than when he got with her almost a decade ago, but the irrational part of me blocks that out. He said it seems like I'm always pushing him to break up with me, and that I need to relax (if it were only that easy). I'm heading down the path of a self fuffiling prophecy.

 

I'm writing this post as a therapy rather than seeking advice, anyone have similar experiences I'd love to hear how you work through the little demons in our heads.

[DanZee]

I know you're not asking for advice, but at this stage in your life, stability can be more important than romance. It seems, however, your boyfriend is a bit reticent about going all in on the relationship, mostly because you're trying to sabotage things. Hopefully, both of you can decide to trust the other and form a strong forever bond.

[Barely81]

Thanks DanZee for the reply. I'm pretty self aware that it's my own anxiety and he is well aware of my issues and has been beyond patient. I do want and very much need stability, but romance would be nice also. I think a lot of the issues I had is that he took almost a year to acknowledge that we were in a relationship because he wasn't ready to admit it to himself (his words). Neither of us were ready or planning on a serious relationship, but it happened. I guess part of me is waiting for him to be like I told you a year ago I wasn't ready and disappearing even though I'm 99% sure that he would never do that.

[Wiseman2]

Relax and enjoy and slow way down. Why does he feel "pushed into a breakup"? Are you angry or arguing a lot or chronically dissatisfied? You are far from ready to move in if you still can not accept him and his situation or harbor rancor and resentment from the past.

 

After only one year as a romantic couple it's way too soon to talk about moving in. Particularly since his priority should be his daughter and whatever it takes to maintain his visitation/custody arrangement. What's the rush? What's wrong with where you live now?

He has a daughter that I adore and he doesn't want any more kids.

it hurts that I'm never gonna be a mom. fertility issues coupled with being close to 40.

he's not ready to move in together.

He said it seems like I'm always pushing him to break up with me.

[Barely81]

Hey Wiseman, thanks for the reality check. Part of why I want to move in is that there was an in balance of who was visiting who which I have since backed off how much I go out to him because it wasn't fair. We were spending every night together and it seemed appropriate. I do not like where I live, it is not a safe area but moving is not an option.

 

There are no custody issues at this point and I completely agree that she is a priority. He feels pushed in the sense that I seem unhappy and as my earlier post said, I have had a hard time trusting due to the fact that it took such a long time to acknowledge us. I chose to continue the relationship so it falls on me.

 

I agree that I need to work past my issues, but the loss of 2 children is something that will never leave me. The resentment has gotten worse the past month or so, there has been a lot of change and loss in that time and it has affected my perception of things.