Why doesnt she take any initiative in our relationship?

[coolcol]

Hi i have posted a few times about my broken relationship with my ex.

 

Basically we were together 3 and a half years, have an 18mth son and have been split up for 3 months now.

 

At first(two weeks) there was hardly any contact between us, then after about 3 weks we started having sex together again, althought this was great and exciting it also left me disillusioned and confussed after these meetings.

 

So after talking with some of you guys/gals on this forum i stopped the sex but still maintained contact and she even let me take her out for days out and the odd evening.

 

Now she has changed from not ever wanting to be with me or ever live with me to talking in a positive manner about a reconciliation and a possible future together without the problems of the past. (arguing, insecurities and jealousy on both our parts).

 

Now we have resumed the sex part and increased the time we see eachother from the odd day to 2-3 nights a week and spending at least 1 day a week going out shopping or for walks etc.

 

Now she just seems happy to do this without getting any closer to me.

She talks about a possible future and agrees one day we may get back together.

 

I know at first it was a sex thing with her and she openly told me she didnt want anything else, but now it still seems if it is 'me' that initiates all the meetings/days out/evenings etc and she never contributes in any way to any arrangements or dates we have.

 

I would have thought if she was getting feelings back for me(she now says she loves me but is not in love with me.) she would be starting to ring me or txt me out of the blue not just in response to one of my txts etc.

She never rings and asks if we can meet up or even just to see how i am, yet when i contact her over making arrangements to see her she usually

agrees on the date/time etc.

 

Is it possible she is still using me for sex and is there anyway i can see if she is starting to feel for me without me stopping making all the arrangements etc. I fear if i dont make any plans she will just not bother to make them and we will end up drifting apart.

 

I am still very confussed over all this and am trying to play it cool and make sure every time we meet she has a lovely time.

 

But i am getting disillusioned as to her real feelings for me, why doesnt she ever txt or ring me out of the blue? Why doesnt she start to take a bit of a lead in our relationship.......if she says she has feelings then why doesnt she take the initiative anymore?

 

Any ideas would be welcome.

[honeyspur]

I am no expert, but it sounds to me like you are trying to hold on to something that is generally not satisfying to you.

What you need to focus on is yourself. This might be hard right now because you want to return to a feeling of familiarity and it is clear your ex does not.

There might be a way to "get her" to do things, but in the end this is very exhausting and heartbreaking.

What if you put in all this effort and she still leaves for good? What will you have accomplished?

 

If going slow and taking initiative is working, then I would stick to it. And really stop worrying about it you know? Fill your time up with more things so the lonely gaps aren't so lonely. Take some risks and try some new hobbies. Don't ever sit around and wait because she can sense that and might very well be taking advantage of you.

 

But if this is not what you want from a relationship in your heart of hearts, I think it is necessary to start the painful process of letting go. Maybe realizing that you are trying to avoid the inevitable and just taking the plunge is the key. Knowing you might have to spend some time in tears (more than you already have been) and by yourself.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

[coolcol]

Thanks honeyspur that makes alot of sense......I am sadly aware of all this ending in tears for good, but if i dont try i will never know.

 

The trouble is it is just me doing all the work and at times feel that maybe its driving me crazy.....being in love with someone who is only luke warm can be a cruel, sad and stressful life.

 

But although i have had thoughts of moving on and meeting someone else my love for my ex is so strong it always holds me back.

 

The idea of filling my time makes a great deal of sense and i am actively trying to make new friends and get out of my house as often as i can.

 

I was wondering if I cooled it down to just seeing her once or twice a week and seeing what she decides, if she starts to txt more or maybe take some initiative herself then good, but if not i will have reduced my time with her to virtually nothing and end up even more desperate.

 

I am trying not to be needy and clingy as most woman hate this from a man, so i put a brave face on everything, tell her about new friends and how my life is developing.

 

 

I realise if things carry on without any improvement or commitment from her then i might have to find the strength to eventually let her go and try and sort out my messed up head and heart.

 

I have established one thing......she no longer wants me just for sex, she said if thats all i want then forget it, yet it was her telling me 5 weeks ago that was all she wanted from me......funny how people change!

 

I might cool it down and lay off the txts everyday and see how she reacts.

 

I am afraid if i dont txt or ring her daily she will presume my attraction for her is diminishing, yet it seems at present i am putting too much pressure on her, i can't win.

 

The thought of the tears and loneliness without her if i have to move on burns a hole in my very soul just thinking about it.

 

How can i re-kindle her desire and love for me, i have gotten this far, but it seems to have stalled a bit.