constantly reminded of the woman he cheated on me with...

[itry]

please..this may be long... please if u can please read through and give me some of your wisdom....

 

hi all..im new. im assuming since u folks are on this particular forum u are either the cheater or the cheated...im the cheated.....

 

i forgave him..i think. he didnt fess up..the other woman actually called me because she suspected something was going on.

 

we've been 2gether for 3yrs now. he was cheating on me with his son's mother.... i was so dumb...so trusting...soo sooo stupid. its like..everyone saw it coming a mile away but u know..when u trust someone..and u believe in them.. noone can tell u anything else. he cheated at a time in our relationship where he felt he was "confused" (Lord, why do most men use that damn line? ...and most women fall for it...*sigh*)

 

whatever the case was he was beyond wrong...he lied to me for months..trying to keep me and her separated. well..whats in the dark always comes to light..i found out..and it felt as if someone took a rope..tied it around my heart and just squeezed...tighter and tighter...i dont think ive ever cried so much in my life. i think the most damaging emotion to my heart was the fact that he lied to me for months.... all he had to say was "baby...im seeing someone else and yes im sleeping with her...lets just cool it for awhile..." God damn it i would have been hurt...but not the way it hurt to find out from someone else.

 

anyway that was about 8 months ago... and due to the fact that it was his son's mother....he has to see her every other weekend.. communicate with her....plus he does have a wonderful son...poor kid..i think he has an idea (he's 11) but i dont think he understands the adult version of what really happened. the other woman...i cant even get myself to hate her. in fact..i like her. she's a good mother and i think she genuinely cares about him.... i dont trust the woman...but i understand her situation and point of view also. i take out all my frustrations on him...not her...

 

my issue is that...fine.. i understand why he cheated ...i partly accept it also... hell.. i know its going to be hard... but is it possible? i mean...its one thing to cheat with a complete stranger...but damn...she's going to be a part of my life also. oh yeah.... me and cheater are engaged.... i actually said yes to a last month proposal.

 

but ever since the talks and plans of marraige...i keep having flashbacks... i keep asking him why he did it...what it was like...did he like it..did she like it...sick questions. i cry more.. im more emotional. i go through his emails like 15times a day. i check his pockets...i was never like this and now i feel psychotic.

 

i used to be so confident in my looks...my brains..and even my sex life..now...all of a sudden.. i want a boob job.. a frikkin PHD..and shoot... im performing tricks in the bedroom fit for the Spice channel..... nothings helping... i feel like im getting worse....

 

i want to back out of the engagement but the feeling is worse when i think of losing him. all these unanswered questions of why.... why wasnt i good enough... but when i flip it and think about how it was him and not me...it makes me feel worse because i feel like a total wimp/moron for taking him back.

 

i KNOW he's remorseful...i KNOW he loves me...i KNOW he's trying.... but i cant get the flashbacks out of my head....... every other weekend...every time theres a father-son activity....im forced to remember... will it get better? how? when?

 

im sorry this was long....

thank you for all who actually got this far...

[sisterlynch]

My feeling is for the child. The child needs to learn to love in a consistent manner, and yes, adult relationships involve sex, passion, intimacy, love, lust. He will never leave her emotionally while the child is involved.

[BillyJean714]

Lord, this is the reason why I don't ever want to get married. So sorry to hear about your situation, but re-read what you just told us. Do you think that marrying a person who you're going to feel this way forever, is a right decision? I mean, he straight faced lied to you! Besides that, he chose to live a double life that he was well-aware of! Why doesn't he just go back to his baby's mama? Do you think that you deserve this? Do you think that you deserve this mental torture? Gosh, and for him to say "I'm confused, and yes, I'm seeing another woman?!" I would've been like, "Good-BYE!" *sigh* I feel for you. But, you know what? Dating is a time to test out our partners. If he can't pass this test now, then he won't change. Do NOT expect a man to change, not especially after marriage. What you see is what you get. Do you really think that you honestly deserve this?

 

I mean, if you feel as though he's truly sorry and he's your one and only, the one person who can make you laugh smile, someone who genuinely makes you happy, then I say, postpone the engagment, and give yourself more time to think. In my opinion, you deserve someone who will love you so much to the point where he can't lie to you and cheat on you.

 

Would it make you feel any better to know if he does this again, once you guys are married? My friend's parents got a divorce, because her father finally came out with the truth, and told her family that he had a son with another woman, and that their relationship's went on for 10 years. I mean, her mom should've seen the red flags, right? After 18 years of marriage, they got a divorce. Heartache doesn't just end here. It may get worse. You just have to be honest with yourself, and ask yourself if you can live in this torment forever. No one can tell you what to do. Your heart knows what's best. So, best of luck to you.. No matter what: Know that you're a STRONG woman. Hang in there!

[lon71]

hi,

i was in a situation a while back where me and my partner split, we had been together 6/7yrs at the time with a child. we had a petty row and 2 weeks later he was with someone else. he says he didnt cheat as he wasnt with me, but i was devastated that after 2 weeks he could go with someone else. we finally got back together and although i never saw this woman my god did everything hit me hard...........was she better looking than me, was she better in bed than me etc etc my self esteem and confidence hit rock bottom. 5 years later and for all the hell ive been through im actually glad it happened as i have got strength from the situation and if i were ever in that situation again i would handle it different to last time.

your situation is worse than mine as it was his sons mum he slept with so your one is harder to deal with. do not be hard on yourself at all for what your partner has done, he will need to work hard to gain your trust again. you will check the emails all the time just the same as i did, but give it time and things will get easier. take pride in yourself and how you look it helps keep your self esteem and confidence up. only time will tell if this was a one of mistake your partner did or whether he will do it again

good luck and i hope things work out for you. you will get strength from this situation just like i did.

[cleverme123]

I am the married version of your story. My husband with every ex he has been with continues to go back to them when he is in a new relationship call it security there is always one on the wing. Well any way, he tried to keep me out of his ex's life which worked with one because she was a monster but didn't with the other 2. First wife said having kids with him was a good excuse to get him to come over and play. Second wife found out about first wife and left him. I married him and found out about first two cause I got tired of him talking trash about them so I called them both to clear the air!!! Well let me tell you the next few months I found out a great deal about my husbands "secrets"

 

The point being if he is doing this now you have two choices you either learn to live with the lies and convince yourself nothing is going on, or you end it. I stayed and pretended to get amnesia. But then again I have no self esteem either. Once a cheat always a cheat! And he's only sorry because he got caught! Talk to his ex when he isn't around, it will make you feel better, and you find out the details of their breakup.

[punkinster]

The way you are reacting to this situation is perfectly normal and human. Bless your heart!!! I agree with the last post though, it's up to you to decide if you can live with this and get over it or just end it.

 

I got engaged last year and in February I found out that my newly fiance' was text messaging this girl at work. I actually stumbled upon these msgs by accident. Before I found them I had never trusted anyone as much as I did him. I was devistated but I think I nipped it in the bud. Since that night he has done everything in the world to convince me that it was harmless flirting and he realized that his flirting crossed the line. But even just knowing that he was talking to this girl (of whom i really liked by the way) in a way that included sexual content crushed my heart and I almost walked. I've been cheated on before and I think that I'm just wary now. Anyway this isn't about ME it's about YOU dear and your situation is obviously different due to the fact that he's had sex with this girl. I would take a good look in that mirror at yourself and realize that he's the one with the problem not you. This is not your fault! You hold on to your self esteem and don't ever let anyone take that from you. There are so many people in this world for all of us and I think sometimes we hold onto to relationships that are comfortable and secure rather then venture out on our own. No one can tell you what to do about this as it will have to come from within you and what you are able to live with for the rest of your life. GOOD LUCK and know that you aren't alone.

[someguy69]

Infidelity is a "dirty little secret" that occurs far often than most people admit.

 

The rate of infidelity is higher than the divorce rate.

 

With an infidelity rate of over 50% (in certain age groups), the odds that one partner is cheating is exceedingly high. If half of men cheat, and half of women cheat, then the odds are 50/50 that someone is a cheater. One out of two people. If you have two people (a couple), then you're nearly guaranteed to have one cheater.

 

Do you realize what this means? It means if you're not the one cheating, then chances are extremely high that your partner is.

 

For those of you who have "found out" that your partner is cheating, and are agonizing about it, etc... guess what? All those friends of yours who are telling you to "dump the guy" are in the same boat. Maybe they know, maybe they don't, maybe they're in denial... but they are likely in the same situation that you are.

 

Here's the deal...

 

If you partner came and confessed the cheating, there are three possible reasons why:

 

1. They were about to get caught. The likely case is that the other person was about to blow the cover.

 

2. They felt guilty and wanted to ease their conscience -- confess their sins so to speak.

 

3. They wanted to end the relationship, and hoped you'd break up with them over it.

 

If the other person enlightens you to the situation, then it is likely that they want(ed) to get your partner all to themselves. No matter what they say -- "I don't want him... I just wanted to let you know what a jerk he was" -- they are hoping that you'll give up on the partner so that they can "win".

[BillyJean714]

Infidelity is a "dirty little secret" that occurs far often than most people admit.

 

The rate of infidelity is higher than the divorce rate.

 

With an infidelity rate of over 50% (in certain age groups), the odds that one partner is cheating is exceedingly high. If half of men cheat, and half of women cheat, then the odds are 50/50 that someone is a cheater. One out of two people. If you have two people (a couple), then you're nearly guaranteed to have one cheater.

Wow! Interesting argument. I always tell my friend this, although the infideility rate is at 50% (I heard somewhere that it's even higher than that) there really isn't a way to calculate this. Why? Because, like you said, "Infidelity is a 'dirty little secret' that occurs far often than most people admit" is true. Among the 50%, raw data doesn't include those who cheated and haven't confessed. Anyway, it just hurts to see how people can just do this to each other.

[desparatehousewife]

Someguy69

 

The current numbers are that 90% of all marriages will suffer an infidelity. So, take 20 marriages, and of those 40 people, 36 will cheat on their spouse.

 

Not very comforting, huh?

[BillyJean714]

Sometimes, I question where people get all of these statistics from. I'm not disagreeing, but I just wonder. It almost seems as though people use these statistics to justify their own wrong doings. For instance, if someone were to think, "If I'm not cheating on my partner, then my partner is cheating on me, then I should be able to do the same." I mean, these statistics can almost misconstrue the situation so badly, to the point where it will lead a non-cheater to want to cheat, because they feel cheated. Of course, I'm not the messiah when it comes knowing 'the truth'. But, from my personal experience with couples around me, the infidelity rate is high. After hearing countless stories about families who have skeletons in the closet, I find that these numbers are somewhat believable. As I got older, all of the marriages in which I though were happy, all went through some kind of mess. Most of the times, infidelity was the case.

 

Do you know how much of an effect it has on the generation of younger kids, to hear that the people who they loved and trusted most were hypocrites? It does have a major influence in what values they internalize are right or wrong. I used to think that there are some sincerily happy marriages out there, but now, the more stories that I hear, the more reality looks grim.

 

I must just as well shoot myself for saying this, but I wish that there could be some statistics that says, "80% of marriages don't go through infideility" In turn, maybe with that statistic, it will inspre peope to want to become faithful, because they're not living in this constant state of distrust. But then again, I would be dreaming. But really, are we just genetically proned to be non-monogamous? Or is this just all a hype? I don't know what it is, but it's also important to know that as humans, we do have self-control. Boy, all this talk is depressing, and makes me think, "what's the point in hoping?"

 

P.S.- To the original poster: I've been cheated on before. So, I know how the pain feels. It's very traumatizing, esepcially because you 'thought' that you could trust the person who you finally gave your heart to.

[desparatehousewife]

BillyJean

 

These latest figures were on a news show recently. They went on to say that more than 50% of men cheat and the number of women who cheat is fast increasing to the same number as men. Of course, they didn't say that all the infidelity was discovered, just that it occurs.

 

If you had told me this when I was in my 20's and 30"s I would never have believed that 9 out of 10 couples that I know would have gone thru this, knowingly or unknowingly. But, like you, as I get older, I do believe it. In any given social situation, more than half the folks have divorced at some point and it was due to cheating. And I'm certainly not excluded.

[someguy69]

It almost seems as though people use these statistics to justify their own wrong doings. For instance, if someone were to think, "If I'm not cheating on my partner, then my partner is cheating on me, then I should be able to do the same." I mean, these statistics can almost misconstrue the situation so badly, to the point where it will lead a non-cheater to want to cheat, because they feel cheated.

 

You're missing the point.

 

This has nothing to do with justification, disheartenment, disenchantment or revenge.

 

This has to do with realization and acceptance of the truth.

 

Modern society is built on lies, secrets and falsehoods. A nudge here, a wink there. Play the game by the "rules" and you'll succeed.

 

People don't want the truth. They can't handle it. Ignorance is bliss.

 

Hypocritically we try to instill certain values on others and our children. "Don't make the same mistakes I did." (Otherwise known as, "Do as I say, not as I do.").

 

Here's the raw deal with monogamy:

 

Most people like positive attention.

Most people like to receive compliments.

(You catch more flies with sugar than vinegar.)

Flattering compliments can open doors for you.

Flattering compliments can bring reciprocal attention.

Most people like positive attention.

Positive attention makes you feel attractive.

Most people like to feel attractive.

Feeling attractive makes people more welcome to attention.

When flirting occurs, temptation may follow.

Most people like sex.

Most men are easily tempted.

Neglected women crave attention.

Most women easily feel neglected.

Sexual flirting is not uncommon.

Sexual flirting makes women feel wanted.

Sexual flirting makes men want sex.

 

See where I'm going with this?

 

Let us add to it the fact that men are genetically geared towards procreation and spreading their seed far and wide. Intellectually most men will try to ensure they only procreate with their wife. Emotionally most men will desire to sleep with all sorts of women.

 

Let us also add to it the fact that women are genetically geared towards strong urges to procreate with "prime genetic material" when they are ovulating. "Prime genetic material" means that young, suave prick with the six-pack, pecs, biceps and "tight tushie" that has a thing for desperate housewives.

 

Hopeless situation? No. Not at all... but the current choice is pretty much either close your eyes, and be blissfully ignorant, realize it and be miserable about it, or accept it and be fully open and honest about it... and have the maturity to be able to control your emotions.

[BillyJean714]

If this is the case (and I understand what you're saying), if we can all be mature adults about infidelity and just accept the fact that's the way that it is, then why is there a double standard when it comes to cheating? Why can't cheaters bare the fact that they got cheated on? For instance, a cheater who cheats says: just accept the fact that I cheated on you, and forgive me. Learn to trust me. But, turn the tables around. When the same situation happens to that person, and they get cheated on, then why can't they just accept the fact that they got cheated on, move on, and be adult about it? Instead, they can't even handle the truth! When they're hurt, that's when they know how it feels to be on the other side.

 

Hypothetically, if we're all bound to cheat or get cheated on, then why have monogamous relationships? Why get married? Why have all of the hopes and dreams of falling in love, knowing the fact that the person that we love desires another person? I'm just curious, because a guy friend of mine told me one time, "When a guy cheats, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love his woman. He cheats because he wants variety." But, if he gets cheated on, that's when he knows how painful it is. That's when he keeps his mouth shut. But, why is this so? And, he also says: "Men cheat on women they love, because inevitably, they will always fantasize about being with different women." Anyway, I don't know what to think of this, but to follow what I know what's right or wrong in my heart.

 

By the way, I think it's very brave of you to speak out your opinions like this. Some people won't even admit to the truth, and are to scared to speak our their minds. Others will say, "Well..we just can't generalize.." So, I give you props for sharing your honest opinions, and I am always open to looking at things from a different perspective.

[itry]

i agree with someguy *sigh* i mean.. although it hurts....maybe thats the reason why i took the butthole back. i love him and i know he loves me. i almost feel like the cheating was inevitable but why someone so close to home?

 

i think the higest risk of cheaters are also what society calls to be attractive people.. which goes for both men and women.

 

my boyfriend is attractive and i am considered attractive also... we both get good ammount of attention from the oppositte sex which heightens the risk of cheating.

 

men and women have different values/ethics. ill admit that there have been plenty of cases where i could have been unfaithful but i chose not to. like what someguy69 said.... when a woman feels neglected the chances are higher. i agree with that 110%.

 

i have come to the conclusion that women need attention and men are weak.

 

 

someone close to me wrote a psychology paper once which had the thesis...

"Love is a trick by mother nature that enables humans to mate" sometimes i look into that statement and just feel so synical about relationships.

[someguy69]

If this is the case (and I understand what you're saying), if we can all be mature adults about infidelity and just accept the fact that's the way that it is, then why is there a double standard when it comes to cheating?

Double standard? For me personally, finding out that my partner cheated on me when I was cheating would make me feel less guilty. If I was willing to cheat on my partner, I should be prepared to accept the fact that they could cheat on me too. Double standards are for immature people.

 

Hypothetically, if we're all bound to cheat or get cheated on, then why have monogamous relationships? Why get married? Why have all of the hopes and dreams of falling in love, knowing the fact that the person that we love desires another person?

 

These are good questions.

 

First of all, don't confuse love with lust, sex or desire. While it is possible to love more than one person (in fact you do, you parents, your kids, your pets, your partner), devoting yourself to a primary partner is still desirable in modern society. Alternative lifestyle models exist -- open marriages, swinging, polyamorious relationships, etc, and some people find that this model works better for them. Much of this isn't anything new. Many ancient tribal communities had little or no concept of monogamy. The nuclear family is a product of modern society.

 

"Men cheat on women they love, because inevitably, they will always fantasize about being with different women."

 

Women certainly fantasize too. Just they usually fantasize about movie stars ... while men have lower standards, and fantasize more successfully when it is about something that is more likely to be possible.

[itry]

double standards isnt immature its psychological.

 

cheating - how u act, react.. psychological.

 

 

thinking of cheating is only human. actually doing it is weak. to err is frkng human.. to forgive takes a lot of damn therapy.

[Luciana]

Read the book: "The Script: the 100% predicatble things men do when they cheat". It's in the bookstores now. Most often we miss the sings because we are so trusting and we learned that "girls have to be nice"

[someguy69]

double standards isnt immature its psychological.

 

cheating - how u act, react.. psychological.

 

thinking of cheating is only human. actually doing it is weak. to err is frkng human.. to forgive takes a lot of damn therapy.

 

Double standards are immature. It's saying that you should be entitled to something the other person is not. They involve only negative emotion, and not rational intellect.

 

"What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander."

 

If you can't learn to forgive without lots of therapy, then it's time to go back to kindergarden.

 

Grow up.

[itry]

why are ur responses so negative? do u think forgiving is easy? if u can forgive someone so easily after a hurtful situation then i dare u to give me an honest example.

 

in a perfect world some double standards are wrong but hello? genius, we live on earth...u know, where humans (amongst other things) dwell. in reality, i can accept what's only fair. but accepting it and feeling the emotions that go with it are two different things.

its almost as if u are fatalistic.

 

 

therapy doesnt just come with ur bank account. therapy comes in all forms and fashions.

 

u seem pessimistic and quick to ridicule. noone here, including me is trying to belittle or demean your point of views. the last time i was told to "grow up" was when i was in grade school.

[someguy69]

why are ur responses so negative? do u think forgiving is easy? if u can forgive someone so easily after a hurtful situation then i dare u to give me an honest example.

 

I don't think they are negative... just the (sometimes brutal) truth. Only by accepting the truth can we progress in a positive direction.

 

in a perfect world some double standards are wrong but hello? genius, we live on earth...u know, where humans (amongst other things) dwell. in reality, i can accept what's only fair. but accepting it and feeling the emotions that go with it are two different things.

its almost as if u are fatalistic.

Fatalistic? I don't believe so. I agree it's very difficult to control your emotions, but it's when we perceive that things are not fair that we get upset. Double standards are definitely not fair. One should strive for fairness.

 

 

u seem pessimistic and quick to ridicule. noone here, including me is trying to belittle or demean your point of views. the last time i was told to "grow up" was when i was in grade school.

Again, I'm trying to be direct and truthful. I don't see it as pessimism... just that this is how things really are, and we have to realize and accept the truth before we can improve the situation.

[sisterlynch]

Infidelity is a "dirty little secret" that occurs far often than most people admit.

 

The rate of infidelity is higher than the divorce rate.

 

With an infidelity rate of over 50% (in certain age groups)

 

-- they are hoping that you'll give up on the partner so that they can "win".

 

I learned in some class that I took that it is 60% infidelity rate for men, and 40% for women.

 

Men are more likely to cheat. Women are more likely to end the marriage for the new love.