Dealing with boyfriend's ex

[gimmeegoodlove]

My boyfriend hides the communication he has with his ex-wife. I have asked why he does this and he says he is afraid of my reaction to their conversations. I don't have a problem with him talking to his ex-wife because they do have children together but I want to know why it only happens when I am not around. By the way, we live together, so I feel it is very intentional. Am I wrong to think he has something to hide since he never talks to her in front of me but yet they talk every other day?

[Beec]

I doubt he has something to hide.

 

I have a couple exes, one of which calls me regularly. I have no interest in ever dating her again. Still, I try to make my contact with her occur when my current gf is not around. I would just feel uncomfortable talking to this ex with her there.

 

I have another ex who I would like to have more contact with. But her current bf does not want any of it to occur. I tried to email her a few times, but there's no response, so I let it go. At the same time, I don't want to date her again either. But I do care about her and would like to know how she is from time to time.

[RayKay]

My boyfriend hides the communication he has with his ex-wife. I have asked he does this and he says he is afraid of my reaction to their conversations. I don't have problem with him talking to his ex-wife because they do have children together but I want to know why it only happens when I am not around. By the way, we live together, so I feel it is very intentional. Am I wrong to think he has something to hide since he never talks to her in front of me but yet they talk every other day?

 

While it would be normal for him to talk to her due to the children, like you I find it very odd he is talking to her only when you are not around, so my guess is that they are talking about more than just the children.

 

Do they ever meet up with each other either away from the children?

 

While it is important to still remain on good terms for the kids, I think that when it crosses the line to where it is affecting your current relationship and is also something that you are hiding there might be more to it. Why would you be afraid of the reaction to his conversations if they were normal and nothing to be worried about?

 

How long have you been together, how long was he divorced before you two got together? Have you had any issues similar to this in the past with him or in other relationships that might also add more suspicion from your side?

 

I think you need to tell him how it makes you feel when he refuses to talk to her around you, and so often...use "I" statements so it is not attacking him, but putting the way the actions affect you out there. Be honest that it hurts, and makes you feel like an outsider and that you do understand he needs to talk to her due to the kids...get the conversation going and remain calm and non-reactionary.

 

It could be totally innocent..I talk to a couple ex's too however my partner is aware of it, has met them, and I don't mind if he hears the convos or anything like that. Not something I hide. I do take care to be respectful of my partner though so will not talk to them at certain times when I am with him and call them later, as it is OUR time then.

[gimmeegoodlove]

We have been together for 2 years. He has been divorced for 1 year and they were separated when we started dating. I have tried discussing this issue with him several times. I would even feel better if she was just the one initiating the calls but he makes calls to her when I am not around. I don't think there is anything going on but I do think their conversation is off base. I just want to know how to address this where he doesn't feel like I am attacking him and like you said if there is nothing to hide why is it being hidden. This is the only issue that I have with him.

[Beec]

So what you want is for some of these conversations to occur while you are home. You don't want to feel like he is hiding something. This is about how you feel, not about what he is doing. Because I doubt he is doing anything. It is about you feeling insecure.

 

If that is the issue, let him know. Let him know it makes you insecure that he only talks to his ex when you are not there. But I would set him up for this, I would make him feel fat and happy and looking forward to seeing you, then I would pull this out.

[gimmeegoodlove]

?I have done this several times. Let me give you a little history. I know how to communicate. When I have a problem with something he does, I almost always start out by saying "I feel this way, when you do this" never saying what he is doing is wrong or that he is intentionally trying to hurt me. Usually, he will come up with some example that I am doing the same thing. That's where I say "well I didn't know it bothered you because you never told me" then he will say it doesn't bother him. So why bring it up. He never has anything to say about anything I do unless I bring up something he is doing. Anyway, so I feel that after it has been established that it is something that is bothering me or hurting me or making me feel insecure why would he not make a noticeable effort to show me that I have nothing to worry about and atleast make a phone call or two in front of me? If the ex is bringing up conversations that may not be appropriate or that I wouldn't approve of, he could show me how he handles it and make me feel secure? I truly believe if someone else told him this, he would believe it and would think I am just picking on him.

[Beec]

Look at your approach. You made it all about how you feel. Which means you are telling him: "You need to change because of how I feel." That's not going to get you very far.

 

OK, so how to approach it. Well, you need to get him to want to make you feel secure. And that means you want to use what will motivate him to do so, which should tell you to look at his feelings, not yours. How can you work on his feelings? Maybe you challenge his manhood. Maybe you suggest he call his ex when you are there at times. You need to think about how to get to his feeligns if this is what you want him to do, because he needs to want to do it.

[gimmeegoodlove]

Were you saying I did challenge his manhood? Or are you saying I should challenge his manhood and if that is what you are saying, how do you do that?

[Beec]

Were you saying I did challenge his manhood? Or are you saying I should challenge his manhood and if that is what you are saying, how do you do that?

 

I'm saying challenging his manhood can be a motivating factor. How? Well you could convey the message that he would not be afraid to talk to her in fron of you, if he were really a man. Or the message that he would be able to make you feel secure, if he were a real man.

[gimmeegoodlove]

Okay, I will have to think about that. Challenging his manhood sounds scary to me. I am afraid that we would end up in a big fight. Remember I mentioned that he always feels that he is being attacked by me (he can't do anything right, his words). Wouldn't this make him even more defensive.

[Beec]

It's just a suggestion. I am trying to get you to look the solution to the problem being to address how he feels. You are complaing because of how you feel. If you want him to do something, you need to get him to want to do it. When someone has challenged my manhood, i.e. say they imply that unless I do something I have no "balls," it has worked in certain circumstances. This might work with him. Something else might work and this could blow up.

 

But you need to think about what will work on your guy.

 

You might also use a tactic of making fun of him for keepign his talks a secret or jokingly imply his ex is giving him phone sex. Use what will work on him.

 

And he is under attack. You are telling him to change. What he is and does is not good enough for you, because of how you feel. If he was good enough, then you would not be complaining. So of course, he is defensive with this approach. And that means he is less likely to do what you want.

 

It's nice to think we should just tell each other how we feel and stuff, but we are not that simple. When dogs want attention, they come toward us wagging their tails, acting happy and letting us know. Ever see a human do that or anything like that to get attention? NO, we are more complicated. Life would be easier if we were that way, but we are not.

[gimmeegoodlove]

I hear what you are saying and I will try something to that affect. Thanks

[gimmeegoodlove]

Well, I tried the approach of making him feel like he wasn't man enough to tell his ex not to call him during work hours. I told him that she still had control of him even after divorcing her that he hadn't learn how to handle conflict with her. I told him she knows that she still can ruffle his feathers and that gives her power. I told him that I think the reason he won't talk to her in front of me is because it shows the weak side of him. He did seem please with what I was saying but I got the feeling that things will change somewhat. Not over night, but we will see.

[Beec]

Well, give it a little while and see if there is an effect. If nothing changes, try something else. If something does, reward him. Maybe, let him know you are hot for him because he acted like a man.

 

As you know, you've got to try things and use what works on him.

 

And that was fairly creative. Nice stuff.

[Luciana]

If I were you I'd establish limits: tell him you want him to talk to her in front of you until you feel less intimidated by this. If he cannot abide by that, it is because he is having innapropriate conversations. And innapropriate is anything that does not involve their child and simple niceties like "how are you", "I'm fine, thank you".

 

Like being friends with exes, it should all be in front of the new partner. An ex invites you for dinner, invite your GF/BF. If you follow these principles, you won't have problems.

[gimmeegoodlove]

I try not to be too demanding but this praticular issue is something I can't and will not live with. Everyone has boundaries and this is my boundary. Again, I will give it a little time. Of course, if I see that she is still calling him only during work hours then I will have to say that he wants that and I cannot and will not live with it.

[sweet_bebcho]

I'm having a similar problem with my boyfriend. He still keeps in contact with his ex which he was with her for about 2/3 years. I know that they are still friends but it still bugs me that he hides it from me when he sees or talks to her.

He usually tell sme that he going to see his group of friends in North London which I dont mind, they're a bunch of boys that grew up together and he only gets to see them once a week. On this occasion when he came back he doesnt say anything, which he usually tells me how it went and everything etc. When I asked he said Oh it was actually ( we'll call her Jane) Jane I went to see. I asked why he had to lie, he says that he knew that I would react that way and thats why he didn't tell me. I feel really bad cause its as if he doesnt trust me enough to says that I'm gonna see Jane today.

 

Another time as when he bought a new phone and asked me to erase all the numbers from the old one cause he was gonna sell it on E-bay. Let's just say I got a bit curious and decided to scan everthing in the phone. I even stumbled upon pictures of the both of them together. I confronted him about it and he told me if I was looking close enough I woud have realized the date on the pictures which clearly states that they were taken before we met.

 

He swore that nothing was going on and I should not feel threatened as he loves me and she has a bf ( as if that ever stopped anyone) and that she knows that I'm in the picture and np feelings between them, strictly friendship blah blah blah!

 

Fine, that was months ago. Last week I slept over at his house, His boss called him in urgently to just fill in for someone for three hours. It was early morning and he woke me up and said he had to go in and that he'd call me when he finishes. I slept and woke up to find that he had left his phone, out of curiosity again I had a scroll through it. I saw a few pics of the Jane again, looked at the date this time to make sure and it said Jan 19, 2005 which if my memory serves me correctly we were together during that time so I have no idea how he's out that night with her taking pictures when he's supposed to be somewhere else.

 

I haven't confronted him yet and I have no idea what to do. I'll let it lay dormant for a while I guess but I need advice .

[gimmeegoodlove]

This morning before my b/f went to work he and I were trying to make plans for the upcoming weekend. The plans depended on whether he had his kids or not. I asked him if his kids were coming being that it was Mother's day weekend I figured they would stay with his ex. He told me he didn't know and that he would have to find out and would let me know. So I told him that him finding out did not have to occur outside the household. He looked at me like I was crazy and immediately picked up his cell phone and called his ex. The conversation started out with him saying hello and that he was just checking to see if he was going to get the kids for the weekend since she had them for 2 weekends in a row. Well, obviously she was irritated about something because she started yelling at him and saying something to the effect that it is Mother's day and that she was keeping them. He said to her well there's no need to be ugly about it I just wanted to know thanks and bye.

 

He was all red in the face and seemed so embarrassed for me to hear how she talks to him. This was only the 2 or 3 time I have heard them talk on the phone and this conversation confirmed what I had said about her being controlling and him not wanting me to see his reactions. Now I think if he had not been in front of me the conversation would have gone a little differently in the fact he would have been apologizing to her for upsetting her but that is just an assumption on my part. But long and short, by him making that call in front of me, made me feel better that he is trying to please me Again, these are just baby steps but they are steps.

[Beec]

Glad he did it. Now let him know you know that is not easy, and show that man some appreciation. I recommend attacking him with affection as soon he walks in the door.

[gimmeegoodlove]

Yeah I want to show him that I appreciated him doing that but I didn't do it this morning because the first thing that came to mind was to thank him for doing it for me and realized that would not be good so I wanted to think about it and figure out a way to say it so he feels he actually did it for himself and it will be better for us all in the long run. So by the time he gets home today, I will have that all figured out.