gimmeegoodlove

Yeah I want to show him that I appreciated him doing that but I didn't do it this morning because the first thing that came to mind was to thank him for doing it for me and realized that would not be good so I wanted to think about it and figure out a way to say it so he feels he actually did it for himself and it will be better for us all in the long run. So by the time he gets home today, I will have that all figured out.

This morning before my b/f went to work he and I were trying to make plans for the upcoming weekend. The plans depended on whether he had his kids or not. I asked him if his kids were coming being that it was Mother's day weekend I figured they would stay with his ex. He told me he didn't know and that he would have to find out and would let me know. So I told him that him finding out did not have to occur outside the household. He looked at me like I was crazy and immediately picked up his cell phone and called his ex. The conversation started out with him saying hello and that he was just checking to see if he was going to get the kids for the weekend since she had them for 2 weekends in a row. Well, obviously she was irritated about something because she started yelling at him and saying something to the effect that it is Mother's day and that she was keeping them. He said to her well there's no need to be ugly about it I just wanted to know thanks and bye. He was all red in the face and seemed so embarrassed for me to hear how she talks to him. This was only the 2 or 3 time I have heard them talk on the phone and this conversation confirmed what I had said about her being controlling and him not wanting me to see his reactions. Now I think if he had not been in front of me the conversation would have gone a little differently in the fact he would have been apologizing to her for upsetting her but that is just an assumption on my part. But long and short, by him making that call in front of me, made me feel better that he is trying to please me Again, these are just baby steps but they are steps.

I agree about making sure you both have the same future goals as far as the relationship goes I have been living with my boyfriend for 5 months and don't know whether he has any intentions of getting married. I do know that he wants a future with me but is marriage part of that future? Only he knows. I would marry him today. We both have been married before and I really don't think he feels marriage is necessary. Is there a point in a relationship that marriage is necessary to show a real commitment? Why haven't I talk to him about it? Good question.

I try not to be too demanding but this praticular issue is something I can't and will not live with. Everyone has boundaries and this is my boundary. Again, I will give it a little time. Of course, if I see that she is still calling him only during work hours then I will have to say that he wants that and I cannot and will not live with it.

Well, I tried the approach of making him feel like he wasn't man enough to tell his ex not to call him during work hours. I told him that she still had control of him even after divorcing her that he hadn't learn how to handle conflict with her. I told him she knows that she still can ruffle his feathers and that gives her power. I told him that I think the reason he won't talk to her in front of me is because it shows the weak side of him. He did seem please with what I was saying but I got the feeling that things will change somewhat. Not over night, but we will see.

Well, that does sound serious. You can disagree with a person without putting them down. If your arguments always end in you being less than who you are something is definitely wrong. Pressure or not pressure, he should not take his stress out on you. So be so accepting to that behavior because it is not normal or acceptable.

I hear what you are saying and I will try something to that affect. Thanks

When you get to the point of snooping and searching, you are in real trouble. I have been there. What eventually happens is you find something. Your mind takes over and you build on it every minute, hour, and day until you have lost your mind. Then you start accusing and he is denying it and it becomes a vicious cycle. His remark could have meant he was insulted by you to even accuse him of this and it hurt him or exactly what he said "do you have proof?". Do kill yourself behind it. Tell him how you feel and if he isn't having an affair then ask him to please communicate with you and let you know what is going on with him.

Okay, I will have to think about that. Challenging his manhood sounds scary to me. I am afraid that we would end up in a big fight. Remember I mentioned that he always feels that he is being attacked by me (he can't do anything right, his words). Wouldn't this make him even more defensive.

Were you saying I did challenge his manhood? Or are you saying I should challenge his manhood and if that is what you are saying, how do you do that?

?I have done this several times. Let me give you a little history. I know how to communicate. When I have a problem with something he does, I almost always start out by saying "I feel this way, when you do this" never saying what he is doing is wrong or that he is intentionally trying to hurt me. Usually, he will come up with some example that I am doing the same thing. That's where I say "well I didn't know it bothered you because you never told me" then he will say it doesn't bother him. So why bring it up. He never has anything to say about anything I do unless I bring up something he is doing. Anyway, so I feel that after it has been established that it is something that is bothering me or hurting me or making me feel insecure why would he not make a noticeable effort to show me that I have nothing to worry about and atleast make a phone call or two in front of me? If the ex is bringing up conversations that may not be appropriate or that I wouldn't approve of, he could show me how he handles it and make me feel secure? I truly believe if someone else told him this, he would believe it and would think I am just picking on him.

We have been together for 2 years. He has been divorced for 1 year and they were separated when we started dating. I have tried discussing this issue with him several times. I would even feel better if she was just the one initiating the calls but he makes calls to her when I am not around. I don't think there is anything going on but I do think their conversation is off base. I just want to know how to address this where he doesn't feel like I am attacking him and like you said if there is nothing to hide why is it being hidden. This is the only issue that I have with him.

My boyfriend hides the communication he has with his ex-wife. I have asked why he does this and he says he is afraid of my reaction to their conversations. I don't have a problem with him talking to his ex-wife because they do have children together but I want to know why it only happens when I am not around. By the way, we live together, so I feel it is very intentional. Am I wrong to think he has something to hide since he never talks to her in front of me but yet they talk every other day?