Difficulty dealing with mom during nursing school

[Chi777]

So lately my mom and I's relationship has been going downhill. Lately we have been getting into more arguments than usual and it has been getting progressively worse as time with on and it's been getting more difficult to really handle. I am 23 years old and I am currently enrolled in 1 year nursing program and am about to graduate in less than six months with a BSN.

 

The day I started nursing school it seemed like my mom and I relationship has been getting worse. I did graduate with a previous degree and am going back to school because I found nursing to be a interest career to get into. During the start of nursing school my mom would make statements telling me that nursing school was a punishment, yells insults at me, mocks in not Co signing for me with a loan and saying I have to take a large amount to cover the cost of my program, say if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be where I am today (she didn't help pay for applications or help with taking out a loan) andshould have done it first during my first degree. She kept getting on me for it about a year now and I have told her to stop many times before. She doesn't listen and it usually ends up with her telling me that she doesn't have to stop what she is doing and that she can say whatever she want and I have told her how much these statements hurts to throw and shouting my flaws back into my face. It gotten so bad that it has lead to yelling fits and she screaming at me when I do tell her to stop.

 

As I started school it gotten worse as school progressed and our fighting has gotten worse. I have literally broke down crying in front of my professors. My program is accelerated and only takes a year to complete. So majority of my time is focused on school and I have informed my mom that I can't manage the same things that I used to such as spending time with her, going out to work as much as before, and so forth. It has been advised by my advisors that it is not suggested to work and I met people who graduated from this program that it's not really possible to manage a job while on this program. Even as I go through it I have back to back exams that I have to study for and it's hard to manage keeping up with studying.

 

My mother has been going through alot with her stuff such as marriage, her business closing down, and our finances aren't that strong so I see why she can be stressed out

and I try to be understanding of it. But what really gets to me is that she takes alot of her anger out on me Everytime she is upset so I have been trying to avoid her. I know I have had some mood swings with her as well but been trying to improve and I have been trying to change the things in my attitude to accommodate her and focus on my school. But it's very difficult to try to explain to her that this program is a challenge and it's difficult managing the amount of time and work needing to be spent on clinicals and for class and I receive work in all of them. She does complain about me not going to work lately and complains how I'm not doing anything special and how she went to graduate school, had a school and worked at the time (she's a teacher so two different fields...) It really is stressing me out and I have been trying to keep it together. I try to do things to cope like go to the gym or go to a friend's house once in a while (I probably just visit a friend at most twice within the month and majority of the time my friends don't hear from me until break)

 

The thing that really set us off is that I came home one day and she was really mad about something and came to me when she asked to use my phone and I told her it was completely dead and it needed to charge. She got even more mad and swung a broom stick at me and we just had a yelling fit. I did end up giving up my phone and she invaded my privacy and look through my messages where she did see some of the conversations where I would vent to my friends about stress with school and stress with her and I will admit I did say some choice words about her but I wasn't expecting her to see it. She has said some pretty cruel things to me before to my face even cursed at me and I would have to hold my tongue and just deal with it and normally I would go to a friend to vent or let out steam by doing something. She didn't like what I said and said the stuff I said about her was mean and she basically said she is disowning me as her child and kicked me out during my break from school. My dad had to convince her to let me back into the house. Things just seem to just get worse. I tried explaining that I said those things in the heat of the moment and I was angry when I said it.

 

It's to the point I really can't deal with it anymore. I would live on campus but that would cause taking out another loan and cause an financial burden... The program itself is alot and if you do bad in the courses you will get kicked out of the program. She's forcing down work to the point I won't be able to manage work and school all at the same time. I have tried getting other family to help with this issue, suggested family therapy and we both are doing individual therapy. Yet it doesn't seem to work and I'm already stressing out from school and do not want to get kick out of the program. I have voice this fear to her many times but she doesn't seem to listen to it and as of this point I don't know how to reach her or get her to understand.

 

Throughout this program our relationship been going downhill and I'm debating onto the point that maybe I don't want her at my graduation with all the crap I had to go through with her... It's making miserable and anxious to the point that I am fearful of going home. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone if my privacy will be invade and she makes a huge deal whenever I do try to visit friends or hang out with them and normally I do not go out much with friends. The complaints usually start when it does involve friends yet nothing occurs when I have to go out for work or school related activities... It was similar to that for my first degree as well and I honestly can't say that college was the best time of my life or even much that enjoyable... Some of my friends have witnessed how bad she can get and even told me before...

 

I honestly do feel trapped and I am trying not to think about it but I'm worried how this will affect school. Im really am getting scared to be even near her because she does hold a grudge and will constantly yell at me for days on end about it. I came back because I do used my parents' car to get to clinical and back if I didn't I wouldn't have much of a source for transportation for my clinical sites. I have apologized multiple times and she still hasn't accepted it. I am really torn on what to really do and I honestly don't know how to handle it..

[abitbroken]

My mother has been going through alot with her stuff such as marriage, her business closing down, and our finances aren't that strong so I see why she can be stressed out

 

You say OUR...is she scraping to eat while she pays your loans?

 

So...you are in a nursing program. That's great. Were you working in the field of your degree that you graduated with? While mom's behavior is not all sunshine, if mom couldn't afford to send you to nursing school and she is now on the hook on your student loan, did you consider working and saving up money before starting another education program?

 

It seems like mom is at the end of her rope and may have snapped if she is having a marriage ending, lost her business and now is stretched beyond the max with your schooling. Can you stay with a friend? Is there a trusted adult that believes in you, but also loves your mom that you can talk to and maybe get some advice or have them be with you when you talk to your mom? Are you willing to say "mom, you know you are right, you have a lot that has happened recently and i didn't realize that going back to school right when i finished would cause more strain. You scare me when you get so angry? How can we fix this?" she sounds like there is some desperation. I understand that you went to family, but have you told her anything -- as far as admitting that you understand the strain? Also, it doesn't work to go to therapy because she won't go? or because its not working?

[Chi777]

My mother has been going through alot with her stuff such as marriage, her business closing down, and our finances aren't that strong so I see why she can be stressed out

 

You say OUR...is she scraping to eat while she pays your loans?

 

So...you are in a nursing program. That's great. Were you working in the field of your degree that you graduated with? While mom's behavior is not all sunshine, if mom couldn't afford to send you to nursing school and she is now on the hook on your student loan, did you consider working and saving up money before starting another education program?

 

It seems like mom is at the end of her rope and may have snapped if she is having a marriage ending, lost her business and now is stretched beyond the max with your schooling. Can you stay with a friend? Is there a trusted adult that believes in you, but also loves your mom that you can talk to and maybe get some advice or have them be with you when you talk to your mom? Are you willing to say "mom, you know you are right, you have a lot that has happened recently and i didn't realize that going back to school right when i finished would cause more strain. You scare me when you get so angry? How can we fix this?" she sounds like there is some desperation. I understand that you went to family, but have you told her anything -- as far as admitting that you understand the strain? Also, it doesn't work to go to therapy because she won't go? or because its not working?

 

The loan is in my name but my dad help me to consign for me not her. I plan to take my dad off the loan once I'm out of school and pay of 12 payments (that's what it said in my loan agreement). So none of the loan is hers. She's not paying for my nursing school. I pay to get back and forth from school and don't ask her for any money towards it. So in other words I'm responsible for the loan and have to pay it off.

 

I did the nursing program after 1 year of graduating with my first degree. So I was working within the healthcare field and at the current job I had but it wasn't related to the degree I had. I never took out loans for my first degree so I had the idea that I had to for this upcoming degree.

 

I did get someone else involved and to help with our disputes. I asked one of my godparents to help and it helped only for a bit but we would have our arguments here and there. I have tried talking to my mother and acknowledge that she is going through a lot. We had a conversation about it a few weeks back and she brings back how she sacrificed her job to take care of me when I was a baby and sacrificed her penchant. However everytime she says it it sounds like blame and I say I'm sorry for it but with stuff like that I couldn't control but I acknowledged that she was going through a lot and I've been changing my ways. I've been trying to check up on her when she's upset but when there's times that she is angry she goes and takes it out on me. I don't really know what to do when she makes that statement when she says she sacrificed a lot of stuff when I was younger but I really don't have control of it and I don't want to sit and take blame for that outcome...

 

We both go to our own therapist but not family therapy. I find my therapist to be helpful and been trying to take in the tactics that she suggested. My mom does question when I go to therapy which puts me on edge because the way she says it seems more judgmental...

[itsallgrand]

Can you live with your dad while you complete school? It sounds like you being in her home is just too much for her right now.

[catfeeder]

Are you living in Mom's home right now? If so, I'd skip trying to change her perceptions. That's too much work for zero payoff, and it just drills you into a deeper hole to climb out of. Instead, I'd consider exactly what your mother wants from you right now that she's not getting. Then I'd figure out how to either give it to her, or move out. If that means postponing school until you contribute your fair share to the household while Mom gets back on her feet, then that's what it takes.

 

It makes no sense to plow over Mom's financial hardships while living in her home and not expect her to be resentful about that. If you are NOT living in her home, then liberate yourself from arguing with her.

 

Either way, I'd quit the power struggle and start responding to every complaint with, "I hear. What can I do to help you right now?"