After 14 months my Ex wants to meet

[cassiana]

Well I've posted on this forums many times.

I had a very brief but great relationship with a guy last year. We got on really weel and it came as a total shock when he dumped me. He'd even planned trips the following weekend etc.

I immediately began no Contact. After four months I emailed him and got a cool reply. He made it clear that he planned to finish his apprenticeship and then travel. I said I thought that was great and he warned a bit. However our emailing was more on my side than his and after a third lapse of replying from him I gave up. Then 3 weeks later he started emailing. In december he finished his apprenticeship and headed off on his travels. He never emailied good bye or happy christmas. I lost hope.

Then 3 months later on his travels, he contacts me. I reply with my usual brand of light-hearted answer. and things are like that for a month. then He apologised for the way he behaved last year. I graciously accepted his apology but told him that I had been hurt. Emails have been going back and forth since. Now Two weeks before his return he has asked to meet up. Of course I will say yes but How do I play it.

[Rozanne]

Well since you're going to meet up with him anyway...

 

First of all, let him suggest the date and time and then say that you're busy that day. You don't want to seem too eager or desperate! Accept his second suggestion of time and date though - you don't want him to think that you're not interested.

 

Secondly, when you meet him, try and keep it lighthearted until he brings up any of the serious stuff. Make him tell you what he wants and how he feels before you lay your heart on the line.

 

You seem to be doing all the right things so far - best of luck!!!

[arwen]

I think Rozanne is right, and you should be careful about letting him know how you feel about him. I'd suggest you only meet if you are sure you are able to deal with the feelings that will come up again.

 

I think it's quite easy for him to get his way, even after not contacting you for long times in between you are willing to meet now. What do YOU expect from this meeting? I wouldn't go if I had any expectation of reconciliation.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[Mun]

Meet him, be yourself and try not to let your emotions get the best of you.

 

He pretty much knows how you feel about him. So you have to maintain control of yourself if you want things to turn around for you. How do you do that? It should be as if you are meeting an old friend. Treat him casually and just enjoy yourself... don't talk to much or you may find yourself bringing up old topics ( relationship/the break up) Instead focus on how you are feeling when with him. How is he behaving towards you? Is he attentive? Is he flirting?

 

Good luck Cassiana ! and Happy Birthday !!

[h_b_k_02]

Good luck. Don't get too high expectations because he could just want to see you since it's been so long. Are you willing to be just friends with this guy? Make him do the legwork as far as getting back, just play it cool and see what ends up happening.

[Mun]

Make him do the legwork as far as getting back, just play it cool and see what ends up happening.

 

Very, very good advice.

 

Do you know something we don't ? 8) Just teasing you.

[h_b_k_02]

Make him do the legwork as far as getting back, just play it cool and see what ends up happening.

 

Very, very good advice.

 

Do you know something we don't ? 8) Just teasing you.

 

Actually, I was just thinking about this and maybe I do .

 

You know, I will never settle with being my exes friend. She knows this yet continually breaks NC, asked me to go for food last night etc etc.

 

Ok, well after 14 months, he wants to meet up. Don't go with expectations, but don't go unprepared emotionally or unscripted for what may come up. If he brings you guys up, go with the flow. Discuss it, don't look uncomfortable, excited or anything. Just see what he might be saying. If he does bring it up, chances are he wants to reconcile.

 

Now, having said this, it is imperative you tell him you need to think about it. He has obviously thought about it quite a bit, but you have to make it look as though you haven't. Don't look indifferent, but at the same time, don't look like you are about to burst in happiness either.

 

After this meeting, wait about a week. See what happens. Does he contact you again? Most likely, but if he doesn't, then another light email thanking him for taking you out would also work.

 

Of course, you could also come back to this forum, discuss what happened and get others thoughts on it.

[RayKay]

Well Cassiana, I think it is great you are meeting up with him...I know its been a long year + for you.

 

When you do meet with him, stay somewhat aloof in terms of your feelings....flirt and be friendly, be yourself, but don't go into the depth of your feelings, or how you still hold a torch (or at least a candle!) for him. If he tells you about how he feels, be open and accepting of it, and see where he takes it.....he left you and it is my opinion that you have made a few efforts in last year, so now it is HIS turn to put forth the effort. Do not bring up the past, or how he feels or the status of where you are....if he wants to bring up the relationship remain calm and discuss it, but do NOT be the first to bring it up.

 

Pay attention to his body language though, it will tell you a lot about how he feels about you...actions speak louder than words.

 

Don't hold your expectations too high though, he may just want to reconnect, and as before may not be ready for anything more at this point...and I don't want you to get disappointed again. Go in with an open mind, anything goes attitude - hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst....

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Cassiana,

 

I have no real advice for you. I have recently met my ex again, 5 months after the breakup, and we did not get back together, but it caused me a lot of pain.

 

I am worried about the same thing happening to you, so I put all my positive thoughts in wishing you a great evening.

 

I agree with the others. Don't expect a reconcilliation, and dont bring it up yourself. Just try and enjoy the evening as if he were an old friend.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Hope75]

Hey Trying,

 

I'm sorry things did not go the way you may have hoped.

 

We all wish Cassiana the best of luck on her meeting!

 

Oh and one more thing, Cassiana,

 

LOOK GORGEOUS!

[shockeddismayed]

Cassiana,

 

I'm with everyone else. Your heart obliges you to go... if only so that the universe/God/whatever can work its magic.

 

But you need to repeat and repeat in your head all of the positive things you have done with your life in the last 14 months. You need to be happy... you need to remind yourself of all of your accomplishments. You need to go into this meeting with SO MUCH confidence... not about the two of you... ABOUT YOU, ONLY ABOUT YOU.

 

He is crazy to have left you... he'll still be crazy if nothing comes of this!

 

You must be entirely untouchable and confident, optimistic and happy... not because this is a game, but because you need this attitude so that you maintain your distance, maintain your self-respect, and most importantly, maintain YOUR happiness.

 

You must never give that to him.... it must leave the room when you leave, and stay with you. He must want to follow it out of the room... he must want to SHARE it with you IF you choose to (eventually) offer it to him.

 

I think you will do fine. I think you have learned so much about yourself, that a meeting like this won't be a huge setback at all. But you must prepare yourself with this attitude.

 

PS: I told someone a story in the dating forum that the key to getting a date, is to smile and say no problem when the person first says no. It shows you can leave the room with your own happiness. There is NOTHING in the world more attractive than someone who possesses that inner strength. I think the same goes for this meeting. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, you must be willing to get up from the table, smile, and walk away happy. This will increase your chances with him EXPONENTIALLY, but more important, it will GUARANTEE your future happiness.

[cassiana]

Well last saturday I did it. I went up to my vex's house after almost 14 months. He kissed me on the lips at the door and made me tea and offered me something to eat. We had a pleasant chat and looked at his phots and then we went to a bar. Here we kept on having a pleasant chat.At midnight he told me he had a migraine. I know that he is prone to them and they are part of his illness but this was the first time that he admitted it to me.

When we got back to his place and my car. He thanked me for coming down and asked me would I be free the weekend following the next (he's visiting his sister next weekend). I paused just to consider if I was free that weekend. Before I ad a chance to reply he interjected "if you're busy that's fine" I was very surprised that he was so nisecure . I said that I was free.

Then he said that he enjoyed meeting me but that what he needed now was friends. That the break-up was so awful and he didn't want to go through anything like that again. This was slightly different than the more positive tone I had been getting prior to this but at this stage I knew him well enough I think to get to the crux of the problem

I told him that when we were dating I felt that he pushed himself too hard. That he had been very honest telling me about the M.E early on. I knew what M.E was and I had a choice to walk away. There were things he could have admitteed to them which would have made me chose to walk away but M.E wasn't one of them.

I said i knew he had it, he had been honest about it, so why when we dated did he pretend that he didn't have it.

He admitted that he had been tired and by the end of the relationship hwe had been exhausted.

Then I asked "Why didn't you say? You had me exhausted too. but I assumed that you were a grown man and would know when you were tired and would say it. I wasn't going to treat you like an invalid and go ££££ you know its past your bedtime"

I told him that I was a grown woman with lots of friends, that I didn't need him to go to the theatre, cinema etc with me. I went to music, plays etc with him, mot to go to them but to be with him. If he wanted to stay at home and watch TV that would have been fine with me.

He said that he didn't want to appear weak.

I said that I didn't think he was weak and he didn't have to impress me that I was already impressed.

He said that that was a lovely thing to say.

He worried that he would never be able to take on a relationship.

I said that he made it sound like he was taking on a burden and what burden? I said i'm a grown woman who can take care of herself. Also when you find the right partner that you are not taking on a burden, you are sharing yours. He said that he never thought of it that way before and that that was a better way of looking at it. That he never really talked about it before because his illness wasn't really spoken of in his family and that you can't talk to male friends about it.

I said that you should have told me when you weren't up to going out.

He admitted there were a few times when he was too tired and I said "and do you know what I would have said?" and he looked sheepishly and said " turn the car around". I replied "Exactly"

Then he kissed me on the mouth and we had a long hug.

He said "definitely keep that weeekend free and I promise you that we will have a better time"

 

So guys what do you think?

[Mun]

I think it went very well Cassiana.

Sounds like you were able to open up the communication lines and be honest and trusting with each other.

 

Keep it up and have fun too.

 

Just being together is enough sometimes.

[Hope75]

I agree with Muneca, it sounds like you guys really opened up to one another and were able to get some things out that needed to be said.

 

Let us know how your next meeting goes!

[cassiana]

Thank you both for your replies. I will let you know how things progress. He was starting a migraine on saturday so I guess he will be laid out for a few days. I hope to hear from him soon.

[cassiana]

Last night he texted me and said he would be in town tomorrow and would I be free from 2 to 4. I texted back to say I was and to let me know when and where. He didn't reply. So now I'm afraid that he's going to give me the brush-off again. It just reminds me of the time we broke up over a year ago. Has he panicked again? Did he get my text? I suppose ill know soon enough.

[RayKay]

Last night he texted me and said he would be in town tomorrow and would I be free from 2 to 4. I texted back to say I was and to let me know when and where. He didn't reply. So now I'm afraid that he's going to give me the brush-off again. It just reminds me of the time we broke up over a year ago. Has he panicked again? Did he get my text? I suppose ill know soon enough.

 

Relax, he just wanted to know if you would be around at that time! I am sure he will contact you today or tomorrow when he gets in

[cassiana]

I wsh I could relax RayKay, but things are taking a really negative turn.

My initil fear about the text to meet up was the limited timescale. He is just back from his trip and hasn't got a job yet. It had all the hallmarks of the first time he dumped me.

Anyway I thought it was rude of him not to reply. So at 10.30 on Wednesday morning I sent the same text again. He replied instantly that he wouldn't be able to make it up after all but would call me later. I decided to be supernice in reply so that he would feel like a heel. He prides himself on thinking that he's a nice guy. So I texted back saying no problem, I hoped his migraines gone, that I must go expand minds(I teach) and to have a good one. He didn't ring me last night.

My feelings are these. He likes me but he doesn't know what job he wants (he's a lawyer but finds it hard with his illness). Also he toys with the idea of moving to a bigger city to get work (he hasn't told me). However he doesn't want to date me because then if he does do that he would have to dump me and he would feel bad about himself. On the other hand if he stays I think he would love to date me, because in his own self-obsessed, selfish way he likes me and he knows he's unlikely to do better. In many ways hes mixed up and the fact that he didn't meet me or ring me last night means that he has not made up his mind yet. I think things got more affectionate last saturday than he wanted and I think he wanted to meet me in order to establish a distance that suits him but decided against it. I'm being strung along.

Now he likes to think of himself as a good guy. He is very soft and i'm sure had tears in his eyes last saturday. He even gets tears in his eyes during sad movies. He is very insecure about himself and is frustrated by his illness. He is extremely clever. He words things as only a lawyer can. For example he said hed call later that could be any day. He said on saturday that he needed friends around him and we would see how it could go from there. He is extremely self-obsessed and has no empathy. My feelings have never been considered in all this. He would dearly love to date someone and certainly that would be me if everything worked out. I think getting a job is foremost on his mind at the moment.

What can I do with all this knowledge to tip things in my favour. Any advice? After all if advertiers can convince us that ponchos are a good fashion idea surely I can convince one flakey man that I'm a goddess.

[Mun]

Behave like a goddess and he will believe it .

When you expect some courtesy ( a call back) and you don't get it, you don't stick around for too long. You don't have to be rude, you are still sweet...but the next time he calls you are not so quick to answer the phone... in fact, you are not so quick to run out to meet him. If he does not show you he values your time, then you don't give him any ( or much).

 

Cassiana I have heard this before " they believe what you tell them ( or show them)"--yes, just like advertising --you are a self-assured woman who is secure about herself and doesn't have much time for games. Behave accordingly

 

I think we had said this before: he knows how you feel about him, so there is no mystery there. I have found that when a man knows how a woman feels about him it slows him down. He thinks twice about anything " relationship" related--in most cases . Things seem to move faster when he knows how he feels, but is still unsure of her. He tries to win her affections... and he works at it. I'm sure this is not always the case, but why does it seem to work that way?

 

Anyhow, you say you know how he feels about you. Try to unsettle him by not doing the predictable. If he knows you will be there anyway, he might just take his time. But if he fears you will walk away ( and he wants you) it might be the push he needs.

 

This isn't about playing games, it's about having self-respect and knowing you are worth it.

 

I have to add: You say he doesn't have a job yet and that is a big deal. He needs some space to resolve this. Also, he has alot to deal with, his illness and the job issue right now...you want to be the light at the end of the tunnel-

[cassiana]

That Muneca is a big part of the problem. As with most men, his self-esteem is tied into his job. He wants to be a lawyer but is plagued with ME. How can I be a goddess and a light at then end of the tunnel and not go insane while he flounders in indecision? If he rings tonight I wont answer, I'll text him the next day that I went out for a drink with a friend.

I don't think he appreciates how lucky he is to have me. You would think after a year he would have realised that.

[Mun]

I just realized S&D had said this already:

You must be entirely untouchable and confident, optimistic and happy... not because this is a game, but because you need this attitude so that you maintain your distance, maintain your self-respect, and most importantly, maintain YOUR happiness.

 

This is what I'm telling you about being that "light"

 

You must never give that ( happiness) to him.... it must leave the room when you leave, and stay with you. He must want to follow it out of the room.

[Mun]

Cassiana, call him the next day, but you don't have to tell him where you were. He must believe he does not have you on a string. Let him wonder where you are and what you were doing.

 

He won't take you for granted if you are not ALWAYS available.

 

This is the example I give about my friends. If I know that at any moment I can talk to them, then I will call at any moment, but if I know that I can sometimes get them on the phone and other times I can't --then I will value their time when I DO get to talk to them. They are still the same girls, but suddenly they are worth more because they are making time out of their busy schedules for me. ( instead of me thinking they don't have a life.. heh)

[cassiana]

Well folks.

 

After 8 days of no contact I decided to text him. It was thursday and we were supposed to have our nice weekend this saturday.

 

My text

"I presume that you have also changed your mind about the weekend I should "definitely"keep free. yet again you havent had the courtesy to tell me"

 

his reply 20 minutes later

"guilty as charged. you're a really fab person Cassiana. and i'm a real mess. best wishes to you. You deserve only happiness. xx D"

 

My immediate reply/

"What's that supposed to mean?"

 

After one hour I sent it again. When I got no reply I sent this in the morning.

"I'm going to ask this again as calmly as possible. What's that supposed to mean?"

 

His reply.

" I should have phoned you Cassiana. Sorry! I did change my mind. Look i dont want a relationship. i just want friends. but i don't think we can be just friends."

 

My reply.

"I'ts always about you isn't it? it has never occurred to you that I am in pain?"

 

His reply

Cassiana i'm sorry if i hurt you. again O only wanted to meet up. no more. i was stupid. I was wrong!"

 

My reply.

"a text aplogy how classy. how classy to be told im surplus to requirements by cowardly text. thanks for boosting my ego cassiana now go away i must think about myself all the time. god i'm going to be sick.

 

yes you f8888 did hurt me. i was doing fine without you but you started stringing me along last february. changed your mind when you came back and tried to wriggle out of it by clever wording. you have broken several promises and hurt me. im one of the best things that will ever happen to you but u f***** up. i was kind, hfunny patient generous easygoing. all you had to do was be kind to me. all i get from you is ignorance and rejection and by text a new male low. the most cowardly self centred means of all. the one thing you had going for you is that people thought u wer a nice decent guy. can anyone think that now? can you still say that about yourself? well can you? can you even justify your behaviour can you?

 

I don't know if he read all that because he never replied.

Its the first time I have expressed any anger towards him.

If someone said all that to me I would never contact them again.

So I guess he's gone.

I think that he was stringing me along. He cannot deal with a relationship now but would like to have an option on me in the future. He kept flip/flopping. It was practically on an hourly basis towards the end. It was very cruel on me.

So I guess that's the end of my story. I'm very sad. I did everything by the book and I still got treated appallingly. How can I ever meet or trust a man again?

I would like to think my ex is suffering but the man seems to have no feeling or conscience.

[seren]

Trust me Cassiana he is so defintely hurting.

 

The whole post got me kinda shaken up you could really feel all the emotion from it..i can tell your very upset.

 

a problem is when u keep things insede ( i do this too) esp to help the other person in the end as soon as they do soemthing worng it explodes, but seems u have never shown anger b4 i think this is prob a good thing...

 

he is so much like my first ove its crazy, it went on for well over a yr, even in the end when i went to move back to my home country i went to se ehim after a long time of no see, BUT when i got there i found out he had moved house, he was still in touch with me but h ad failed to even mention he didnt live in the country anymore.....he just left without a hug goodbye.......

 

 

it wasnt for a whole year and a half AFTER that day that we were talking on yahoo messenger when he said to me for the first time ever..........'seren....bout the past..i am so sorry, i ca never explain it, even to myself, i did so love you and it hurt bad'....

 

and this was the FIRST time out of like 3 yrs that he had ever acknowledge it or apologised........it wa sliek for first time he admitted he knew he hurt me, and showed me that in fact it did matter to him n it definetly hurt him, and he knew what he missed.....it took him that long, sometime si htink they really are just that screwed up, of course i was at uni and burst into tears straight away, i had never felt such an emotion, i thought itas all in past and i wasnt hurt anymore, but as soon as he said sorry it was liek finally...i can out it to rest......

 

anyways trust me, hes hurtin

[cassiana]

I don't think he's hurting.

I thinks he's glad to be rid of me.

I don't even think he read all my messages.

I think the only thing he's concerned about is preserving his nice guy with an illness image. He may fear that he has blown it with our mutual friend.

He may also be annoted that he couldn't string me along for a few more months before he gets organised. Anyway there would always be something.

I saw his holiday snaps last week. Him with various bunches of passing strangers. That's about all he can manage. People who will go five miles down the road with him and then leave.

I don't think he cares the slightest about me or what he has done.