Does he need space or is he just letting me down gently?

[Anxiety101]

Okay, so ive been with this guy a year and a half, its been a bumpy road as we both suffer from depression but on a whole we are truly extremely happy together. 2 months ago we had a huge row and it ended things, after this we both agreed that we still loved and wanted each other so we agreed to take it slow and work things out. I must add her that i have a severe insecurity with masturbation and porn, it makes me feel not good enough and ugly. Well, anyway, during the six weeks we were taking things slow i caught him watching porn and masturbating, it hurt me but i understood that he was rechnically single so i couldnt really get mad about it. He ended everything. Everything in that moment, stopped.

 

It has now been two weeks and we havent seen each other, yet we have spoke every day to which mostly has been him sending the first message. I have expressed and expressed my want and desire to be with him and that i do still love him and he has said that he feels the same. He is currently spending time with family across the country to try and clear his head but is very much keeping me at an arms length. He refuses to talk about the break up with me claiming that it is too hard for him and he cant do it, yet he also refuses to talk or want me to talk about our possible future together and when ever i mention an us he gets defensive.

 

I fully trust him and know that he is not sleeping or communicating with other people during this time.

 

What i really want to know is do you think he does still really love me and want to be with me or is he must trying to let me down gently without the responsibility for my heart break?

 

Any help would be great because im feeling extremely lost right now.

 

Thank you.

[Andrina]

Are either of you getting treated for depression? I know firsthand how depression makes being successful in a relationship far more difficult than otherwise. If you're not getting treated, I suggest pursuing that and you can let him know that's happening. And if he refuses to get treated, I'd reconsider reuniting with him.

 

If he's the one that ended things, why didn't he care enough to stick around and work things out instead of dumping you? And if he did end it, why are you accepting his communication now, especially when he balks at talking about getting back together?

 

I'd tell him: Since you refuse to work on a plan to get back together, I can't go on hoping for reconciliation and speaking to you daily is preventing me from closure. I'm going to work on me and if you work on you and have a plan of how this can work, get in contact with me then and if I'm single and willing, we can talk about it.

 

You have to have a spine and do what's best for yourself. When you value yourself, others will as well. Don't let people string you along with conversations of no substance. And sorry, nobody else but him can tell you if he still loves you or what his game plan is. In my opinion, if someone loves you, they never let you go, not even once, unless you possess a dealbreaker.

[MissCanuck]

You can't and shouldn't tell him not to masturbate, OP. It's his body and not a reflection of you, and you're going to be hard-pressed to find an adult that doesn't occasionally indulge. That's too controlling.

 

The porn issue is a dicey one, as everyone feels very differently. How often does he watch? And how was your sex life? If he was sacrificing intimacy with you in favour of porn and self-pleasure, then I would agree you had a problem here.

 

I think all you can do is give him his space now. He doesn't want to work on it so you can't do much but respect his feelings. He might love you but realize that you two don't work together as a couple. As Andrina asked, are you in treatment for your depression?

[happyislands]

Hang in there! This is a tough decision especially when he does not want to communicate. However, healing takes time. Give him adequate space and hopefully he will open up to you in the future. Maybe right now, he needs a friend.

Good luck! I wish you all the best.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you are simply incompatible on every level. It was a very unstable on/off relationship, with excessive attachment on your end. You need to stop communicating with him. He wants out, let him go. Stop confronting him about the breakup and this "potential future" that he clearly doesn't want.

2 months ago we had a huge row and it ended things, after this we both agreed that we still loved and wanted each other so we agreed to take it slow and work things out. It has now been two weeks and we havent seen each other, yet we have spoke every day. He is currently spending time with family across the country to try and clear his head but is very much keeping me at an arms length. he also refuses to talk or want me to talk about our possible future together