I don't class girl/girl kisses as cheating but....

[tabytha]

Hi.

 

I'm Bi sexual but have never 'cheated' on anyone in my life. My boyfriend knows I've had a gf in the past and though he doesn't want to know the details, accepts that about me.

 

I've always been close to my friends and affectionate. We hug each other and remined each other how loved we are when we're down and I've always believed in open affection between friends and loved ones (provided it's not of a SEXUAL nature). When a few of my friends started to acknowledge their own bi-curious tendencies I supported them. Over the years I've become very comfortable with my own sexuality and know my limits, where my comfort levels lie and so on.

 

A few of my female friends and I have kissed at parties several times, but I've never considered it a 'sexual' thing. To me it's an extension of the affection. I've never kissed them and thought i want to take them to bed' I'm merely being affectionate. I enjoy kissing women, it's totaly different to kissing men, but I'm totally devoted to my partner, who happens to be male and I would never do more then the occasional kiss. the reason it's at parties is simply because it's that sort of environment.

 

However I make a point of not kissing my male friends, (though we hug etc) because I'm aware that that could be misinterrupted. Seems two girls locking lips is acceptable but male and femaled friends can't and I'm okay with that. i get all the masculine affection i want from my boyfriend.

 

I haven't kissed any of my friends since shortly after my boyfriend and I got together, out of respect for him, not out of fear of getting caught as he never attends parties and wouldn't know. However this weekend I did kiss one of my female friends. And it was simple innocent affection again. Until one of my male friends said I was cheating. We got into a discussion and I explained why i don't consider it cheating, and I think I converted him to my way of thinking. I'm comfortable with who i am sexually, not all affection is sexual nor would I ever let it go there whilst in a commited relationship, I don't kiss girls for the pleasure of anyone who might see ( I don't understand that voyeristics tendencie in others) and none of the girls I've kissed pose any threat to my boyfriend.

 

But for once i started to question. harmless and rare as my girl girl kisses are, if my boyfriend knew would he be hurt?

 

I know the answer is yes.

 

I don't think he should be hurt because I know how meaningless those kisses are. But he's an old fashioned boy and would refuse to see things my way.

 

i don't see it as cheating, but would he?

 

One last thing, i'm an honest person, and I would have told him about me kissing this friend this weekend, i don't believe in keeping secrets. But unfortunately my drink got spiked and he had to come rescue me. he's stressed out from worry for me and I didn't want to add more fuel to the fire.

 

am i cheating? Do I tell him?

[lovelynns]

Simple logic defines our answer.

 

Given:

If an intimate act is performed by two people who could be considered potential partners, and either of those potential partners are partners with somebody else, the act is an act of cheating.

 

Thus:

*For a hetero female, males are potential parters, females are not.

Thus, a taken female could kiss another female, but not another male

 

*For a bi female, both males and females are potential partners.

Thus a taken bi female could kiss neither guys nor girls.

 

 

To break it down even further, you kissing another girl -- GIVEN THAT females are potential partners for you -- would be as much cheating as your boyfriend kissing another girl -- given that girls are potential partners for him.

 

Gender isn't the issue, partnership potential is.

 

Make sense?

[tabytha]

but i don't kiss potential partners.

 

Trust me the girl i kissed tho a good friend is nothing but.

 

For example. i have a male friend who i had feelings for, ver a very long time. I'm not too sure when or if they went away but either way i make sure we're just friends.

 

He gets the same hugs as other friends, but usually only farewell hugs. I distance the affection in this case because he did once pose a threat.

[lovelynns]

but i don't kiss potential partners.

 

Trust me the girl i kissed tho a good friend is nothing but.

 

Yes, you do. Being bisexual, both guys and girls are potentials for you. That means any human is a potential partner for you.

 

How would you feel if your boyfriend went to a party, made out with a girl, and told you she was no way close to a potential love interest. Did he cheat?

[RayKay]

YOU may not consider it cheating, but your boyfriend does...and if you can't openly do it in front of your partner and tell him about it knowing he will be okay with it, it IS cheating.

 

You are bisexual, so you thereforeeee are attracted to both men and women, so kissing women is indeed cheating, just as kissing men would be, or going further. I am not bisexual, but I am sure if I kissed a girl, my boyfriend would be pretty upset because he views me as a longterm partner...I guess if he saw me as a casual fling he might find it a turn on, but since he sees me as more than that it would be a terrible blow. And I would never EVER want to hurt him like that. He is the "one" and hurting him would crush me beyond all belief too.

 

Unless your partner views the kissing women the same way YOU do, it is indeed cheating for him, and you are thereforeeee cheating.

 

I think you should bring it up casually as in a "hypothetical" question or ask him what his views are...you may find he is open to it, but he may not be...and then you will either have to respect his feelings on it and stop doing it, or make a decision that this relationship is not going to work for you as you cannot give that part up.

[lovelynns]

Unless your partner views the kissing women the same way YOU do, it is indeed cheating for him, and you are thereforeeee cheating.

 

I have a problem with this reasoning.

 

If my boyfriend thinks I'm cheating when call another guy for any reason, even work, am I cheating?

 

If I think my boyfriend is cheating whenever he hugs another woman, is he cheating?

 

Only very rarely can cheating be so subjective. Your reply smacks of relativism and although I know you were trying to be helpful, you're only leading her to more confusion. In fact, it's that confusion that got her here in the first place.

 

Everyone has unique "that makes me jealous" buttons, however the "that's cheating" button is pretty easy to define without coloration.

[RayKay]

Unless your partner views the kissing women the same way YOU do, it is indeed cheating for him, and you are thereforeeee cheating.

 

I have a problem with this reasoning.

 

If my boyfriend thinks I'm cheating when call another guy for any reason, even work, am I cheating?

 

If I think my boyfriend is cheating whenever he hugs another woman, is he cheating?

 

Only very rarely can cheating be so subjective. Your reply smacks of relativism and although I know you were trying to be helpful, you're only leading her to more confusion. In fact, it's that confusion that got her here in the first place.

 

Everyone has unique "that makes me jealous" buttons, however the "that's cheating" button is pretty easy to define without coloration.

 

I think the problem also lays in the interpretation you have had...it is not "just what your partner thinks" but there is boundaries that have to be respected. If your partner believed that you were very emotionally attached (ie having an emotional affair with someone) then a phone call is more than just an innocent chat....

 

No of course I don't think a normal call ie for work would be cheating, and that would be jealousy and insecurity on his part. But the point in this post was the original poster is not talking about phone calls or hugs, she is talking about kissing so applying other "examples" of phone calls is not relevant....I did not in my post claim that on basis they think it is cheating it is, but that he likely WOULD believe it was cheating no matter what SHE thought.

 

My comment was to drive home the point that it is likely her boyfriend does view it as cheating, and unless they have an open relationship where he is willing to allow her to kiss other women and sees kissing other women the way SHE does then yes it is definitely cheating.

[Cecelius]

There is always a "reasonableness" standard. I can claim that getting oral sex from a prostitute is "meaningless" but I doubt that my g/f would think it was anything other than cheating.

 

Second, if my g/f spent a lot of time cutting very fine lines between what is cheating and what isn't instead of being reasonably active to avoid ANYTHING that rational people think is/might be cheating, I'd find us uncompatible.

[Hope75]

This is ridiculous.

 

If your bf kissed another girl, how would you feel?

 

Cheating is a definition not up for interpritation, If you have intimate contact, (i.e. kissing, oral sex, manual stimulation, sex, etc) it is cheating.

 

It doesn't matter if you are drunk or don't have feelings towards this person, you cheated.

 

Stop trying to plug yourself as someone honest who has no idea why others would consider this cheating. The reason is, because it is cheating.

[ReformedPlayer]

In my experience, whenever you have to ask yourself if it's cheating, you're probably cheating.

 

It's innocent, perhaps, but it's still cheating if he can't know..

 

But again, I don't even see room for outside flirting in relationships.

[itry]

i read ur post..and i can read into why ur questioning whether its cheating or not. i feel like the only reason ur questioing is because it was brought up.

 

no u werent cheating. but if knowing ur boyfriend would feel disrespected by the situation, just dont do it. the only reason u realized he would be upset about it is because someone mentioned it, then like i said, stop. mention it to him if u like. but to me.. it wasnt as if u set out to go do something like that.

 

if ur into him...respect him whether or not he is in ur presense.

[tabytha]

Hope, sweety, You're as tactless as me and overly self confident that your veiws are correct.

 

let me clarify.

 

I spoke to my boyfriend about my bisexualness when we first got together, as i already mentioned. I'm an honest person and never lie about who I am. Geez sometimes I feel like getting business cards saying "yes I'm bi-sexual but get to know me before you judge me'. I laid it out from the start that I might kiss the occasional girl. and I have kissed girls since dating him, he's always been there in the past. It doesn't get him off or excite him in anyway, but he was there and knows I would never do anything other then the occasional kiss with a good friend.The only reason I didn't tell him this time was because my drink was spiked shortly after i kissed her, which was a very scary thing for both of us as I don't drink much (having dealt with a violent alcoholic parent) and he doesn't drink at all, and he took it pretty hard.

 

For the record i was sober when I kissed her. I'm one of the few people who actually holds themselves accountable for their actions and having been raise by a drunk i find the whole "it wasn't me, i was drunk' a distastful shirking of personal responsibilty.

 

In regards to that earlier opinion about being bi, all people male and female are potential partners, well to be honest i found that offensive, and a comment like that could only have been made in ignorence. When your straight do you really think that all women/men are potential partners? I mean look at all the people here who ask for help because "i like him/her but not that way", just because someones dna is opposite to yours doesn't make them compatible. I was surprised at that comment. When I say I'm bi it's not a sexual thing. I'm attracted to peoples minds not their bodies. Just as you shouldn't discriminate whether someones black/white/fat/thin/old/young (within reason) neither does someones gender bother me if I'm attracted to them. But that does NOT mean I'm a nymph that would happily F**K the world if "damned social ethics didn't get in the way". It would be imppossible anyway since despite the fact I'm bi I have very little libido after having had a bad attack of glandular fever (mono for you americans) which makes my actual sex life kinda dull (minds willing but the flesh isn't)

 

Now as for it bothering my boyfriend.... knows I'm bi. I told him from the start, yes i kiss girls but thats it. He knows I have had long term relationsship with other woman etc. If he enters a relationship knowing that and i have kept my end of the bargin in going no further then a kiss where does his responibility lie if he suddenly gets bothered. And I don't know that he would be bothered because it didn't in the past it's just the fact that this time he wasn't there, where as he was last time. if you enter a relationship with someone who has been honest with you about differences, if you claim to accept them, do you really have a right to change your mind later.

 

can a guy date a larger woman, say 'i prefer you cuddly" then a few months later say 'hun put down that candybar, i want you to loose weight" And before you say it's different, it all comes down to self control and personal indulgence. Can someone make a promise to love you as you are and later put conditions on it?

 

I don't know that he would be upset, because he knows me and I've always been honest. but i suspect he would be because he twists everything in his head. EG: I asked him to see a scary movie with me, then, because I know he's really not interested in that kind of film and it was selfish of me to ask him to go i told him "it's alright if you don't want to come, we'll see something different and I'm see that movie with my friend". Dispite me doing something considerate for him, he turned it around that I didn't want to go with him and i would have a better time with my friends. Which he does all the time. I ask him to go to parties with me because I want his company and my friends all like him, but he won't go, or goes and has a miserable time because it's not his thing. So no i tell him he's not obligated to go and he thinks i mean i don't want to be seen with him. So i try to stay home and spend time with him, but he just mops watching tv, or playing a one player video game. God we don't even have a couch! two separate lazy boys, he's rather watch tv on those so he can watch the 'widescreen' then settle for the smaller tv and curl up with me in bed. we look like to old ppl in rocking chairs. I started never going out and became more unhappy. So i decided to go out with out him, it was his choice if he wanted to come.

 

if my friends come round to visit he walks out of the room and i have to make excuses for him "no, it's not that he doesn't like you, he's looking up something on the internet for me". He gets angry at my friends and tells me he doesn't understand why i hang out with them, but well the flip side is to be like him and not have anyfriends (me and his family are his only social network and randoms on the net). I work all day and he sits home playing games, and feel put out when I ask him to do some housework. I work a 40 hr week and commute 10 hours a week, come home and cook dinner. He'll wash the dishes if i ask, but it won't occur to him to cook me dinner, wash the floor, scrub the bathroom etc. His way of showing affection is to buy presents, which seems nice but I'd rather have a conversation with him like we used to when we first met. he says he's bored all day and misses me but doesn't understand that i work all day and need down time to wind down. My alone time seems to be if I cook him dinner. I mean why doesn't he get a job? he's living off the dole and using the rent my flatmate pays to pay off his morgage. he can survive on that but it's not much of a life now is it?

 

Nothing I do EVER makes him happy. He says I make him happy but the only time i see him smile or hear him laugh is when he's watching re runs of the simpsons. When i try to have a conversation with him, he criticises what I have to say and makes me feel like an idiot. If I talk about things that interest me like books, politics, science, religion or current affairs he claims he's too dumb, so I change tactics and try to talk about movies but he'd rather watch them then talk about them. I try to learn about sports and games so we can talk but I'm just made to feel ignorent. I try to tell him about my friends and I get told i sound like a 15 year old school girl. I have an iq of 138 and work fulltime and he's telling me i sound like a school girl? When I tell him to treat me with more respect he says "I'm an arsehole to everyone why should you be different?"

 

Okay it's apparent I'm very frustrated in my relationship. But I'm making an effort here. I believe in commitment and do you think if i was some cheap easy player I'd put up with that. I'm a commitment phobe but I'm trying real hard to make it work. Maybe if he spent some quality time with me like coming to the party, instead of trying to buy my love with presents .... well that just sounds bad.

 

Back to the point if he knows I kiss girls (JUST kiss) and he knew that from the start is it cheating, even if he's not there (Which he never is these days)

[Cecelius]

I'll skip all the info that suggests that you are not happy in the relationship because you indicate that's not why you're here.

 

But frankly, there are no "gotchas" in relationships. Yes, a person can (has the power) to change their mind about any number of different things (people later decide to have children when they first indicated they did not, etc.). So maybe its not fair, but people can change their minds.

 

So it is a non sequitor to say that he is not permitted to be bothered by something he claimed to agree with. He can be bothered by it, you can put up with it, stop it or dump him.

 

Second, I think you were looking for the pulse of the board on whether the scenario you described was cheating or not, and I think you got it. If you kissing a girl is no different than you would kiss any person as a friend, then maybe its not cheating. But if its a romantic or sexual kiss, most people think it is.

 

But in the end, it really only matters if it matters to your b/f. If you wouldn't do it in front of him, its probably cheating.

[c00kie]

its fairly simple. most guys out there would be mad/jealous at you kissing another person. your bf is probably one of those guys. kissing (with tongue...not on cheek) is an intamite act just like sex an stuff. tell him and find out. if it screws your relationship then so be it. but as you said your an honest person and if he is the jealous type then he would want to know deep down. see what happens. tell him

[Stretchy]

Well the only thing I can really tell you is that some people, maybe even most people, find a kiss to be sacred. I'm not going to say you're cheating or not. It's not my place to convince you of anything. I will state my perspective though. My gf is bi as well. I get pretty upset when she talks about how she wants to kiss other girls because I find kissing to be a sacred act. You can tell alot about a kiss. One of the first things you do to test chemistry is kiss one another. The first thing you do on instinct when you are really into someone is kiss them. The first thing you do before you gte intimate is kiss your partner. The only thing that can relay "I love You" with meaning and without speach... is a kiss ect ect.

 

Alot of people lose site in the meaning of a kiss in my opinion. Its the finallization of a marrige in the church. The beginning of life together, the cause of everything you do with your partner. Granted I would be pretty P.O.ed if I found out she was doing other stuff, but I think a stray kiss would be more painful and would demeaning to all kisses to follow. I would begin to wonder if kisses given to me meant something or were just some meaningless handshake.

 

Like I said before, I believe cheating is in the eye of the beholder. To me, its cheating but it may not be for you and your bf. Really you may have just a few options:

 

1. bring it up to him and see what he thinks (which you alredy stated hes old fashioned and may put up with it but does he really approve of it?)

 

2. Switch roles (Think about one of his female friends that you know he would never do anything with, every guy has at least one LOL, and picture him kissing her at a party with you not around)

 

3. Think logically (would you have kissed her if he was at the party with you, be honest)

 

If all 3 are ok for you and him, then in no way can it be cheating, if even one of them doesnt work, then there you have it.

 

Hope you figure it all out!

Best wishes.

[novaseeker]

Thread necromancy!

[LotusFlower]

this is a fun topic. I personally think it would be great to have a faithfull man who never looked at another womens body, and was emotionaly satisfied with em as well as mentally... and then to also have a close female friend that I can kiss when ever want.

 

I have female friends that when we drink we get flirty, we are also like sisters in the sense that we go up to bat for eachoter and love eachother unconditionaly. It was considered cheating to our men...and brought up this very conversation. We are not necessariliy bi, we just like an occasional affection from a female friend that loves u.

 

I think its possible that these girl-kisses can be harmless, back in time women held hands and kissed eachother all the time and it was innocent. It is I believe kind of natural.

[LotusFlower]

You should have the conversation with him though,

[novaseeker]

this is a fun topic. I personally think it would be great to have a faithfull man who never looked at another womens body, and was emotionaly satisfied with em as well as mentally... and then to also have a close female friend that I can kiss when ever want.

Hooray for double standards!

 

The guy can't even look at other women, but you can have physical affection from other people??

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

To the OP. I think techinally it was cheating. If you do something of a sexual nature (even kissing) with someone else and you can't tell your signification other because you know it would upset them and hurt your relationship, then yes, that is cheating. It's an overly simple definition of cheating, but I find it works for me anyway.

 

That being said, I think honesty is the best policy. Be honest with him and let the chips fall where they may. He does deserve to know, how would you feel if he crossed a line you had and he didn't tell you?

 

Best of luck to you.

[miracle29]

I have an even shorter answer for you.

 

Cheating is defined by "two" people in a relationship. If your sig doesn't see anything wrong with kissing another person (man or woman) then you are in a relationship where the two of you are on the same page. But if its something that one person is not comfortable with and thinks its cheating..and you still do it just because you don't want to agree...then you have cheated on them in their mind. You need to find someone who is on the same page as you...that should solve things. But in all fairness if you know you're with someone who thinks this is wrong...and you do it...then its wrong..because you knew this before hand....

 

Hope that helps.