Reconnect with an old friend

[Slowlearning]

I have posted before about this, but this is sort of an update.

 

Back in HS (Mid 80s), I was shy, introverted and low self esteem. There was a girl I became friendly with and we became really close. I was always afraid to ask her out because of my low self esteem, but we spent a lot of time talking my senior year, and when I went away to college for my freshman year. We wrote dozens of letters, etc. Long story short - we were at a party, I had a few adult beverages, and I misinterpreted something - and we had a fight. (I yelled, acted like a jerk - nothing physical). I apologized and sent her flowers the next day, but I realized any chance I had had long since passed. Our friendship slowly faded away.

 

Life goes on - at times wondered what if, but never obsessed on it, and assumed we could never be friends again.

 

When the internet became popular, she did reach out - but I always viewed it as one off conversations. Facebook came out - and we became FB Friends. You know, you get to see what is going on in someoen's life without really having to talk with them. She'd reach out from time to time, but as I said - assumed it was a one off. About a year ago, I had posted something on FB, and she responded to the post. Later that day, she sent me a private message. A couple of weeks later, she sent me another PM. As time went on, she reached out more and more - and by Memorial Day, we were talking daily.

 

Initially, it started off with FB messaging, then advanced to Texting, then an occasional call, then to calls a couple of times a week. We talk (text, phone, etc) multiple times a day. Initially it would be in the evening, but then it branched out to anytime during the day. To be fair - she initiates 90+% of conversations.

 

So a couple of things to note. I have been unhappily married for a long time. I don't want to bad mouth my spouse - but marriage has been tough, and I never thought divorce was an option. I have never cheated on my wife. For the most part, we have a child and that's the only reason I was around. My friend has been in a long term relationship with someone. They dated for years, and a couple of years ago, he moved to another state for work. They see each other every other weekend, and that is the only time we aren't talking. She lives a couple of hundred miles away, and there is no reason for her to venture to where I live, and vice versa. We haven't seen each other in 30 years.

 

Over the past couple of months things have intensified. My friend is a private person, and doesnt open up easily. We have been talking on the phone more - now it is at least one day a week, and many times more. She likes my singing voice, and has asked me to sing to her on occasions. Yes, we are talking multiple times a day (still mostly text), and more recently when I mentioned meeting she told me the following:

 

We can't meet until I understand what is going on with us

You aren't currently available and neither am I

She says she is head over heels in love with her Boyfriend, but - she doesn't know why she needs to constantly reach out to me all the time.

She needs to know what I think about things. She typically texts me when she wakes up in the morning, when she is going to sleep - and all day in between.

She tells me that feels like there is some connection we have that doesn't make sense to her

That you can't feel this way about more than one person .

She has never felt the need to reach out to someone the way she does with me - frequency, etc.

That her boyfriend knows my name as a friend of hers, but would be devastated if he new the frequency or the intensity of our conversations. (Please note, no sexting or anything like that. Personal conversations - I know about all of her friends, everything going on in her life, etc)

She has told me that she definitely doesnt see me like a brother - and has slipped that she has had dreams about me - but has never gone into details.

 

 

We have tried to stop talking, but it doesnt work. We are both miserable when we have tried - and she developed strong ringing in her ears the last time.

 

She sends me snapchats from time to time (innocent goofy ones) - but did recently mention that she was trying to send some more provocative ones to see if I would screen grab. (I havent seen anything from her rated worse than PG). She also isn't the type to send truly risqué ones.

 

To me it is clear there is something going on here. I also know my marriage is on its last legs, and I dont see it working out. But I realize that even if I divorce there is no guarantee anything will happen.

 

What are your thoughts?

[DanZee]

Well, you've made her your emotional girlfriend and she's made you her emotional boyfriend. These relationships are quite common on the Internet. Basically you're both making up for the lack of an emotional connection you're missing in real life. Your wife is distant, so you're giving your friend your emotions. Her boyfriend is not home a lot of the time, so she's giving you her emotions. These types of relationships usually don't work in the real world. On the Internet, they're mostly fantasy because it's easy to be on your best behavior when you're typing out messages at 10 words a minute.

 

Normally, I would say these relationships are a poor substitute for a real relationship, but since you're both trapped, I would just urge you to be careful. If both of you start cheating or decide to leave your partners and run to each other, you may find you've ruined what you had for a 6-month fling where you will be even more miserable. So be careful. If it gets too much end it. Just be careful you don't get carried away.

[Wiseman2]

You are both filling voids with this emotional affair. Your unhappy marriage and her travelling bf.

[Slowlearning]

One other thing to note. Where I have noted my friend doesn’t share easily, I’ve noticed one consistent behavior. After she becomes open about something, she usually retreats a little in the next couple of days

[Wiseman2]

She misses her guy when he's out of town, then feels guilty for cheating. Expect hot/cold when cheating.

One other thing to note. Where I have noted my friend doesn’t share easily, I’ve noticed one consistent behavior. After she becomes open about something, she usually retreats a little in the next couple of days