How do you know when you're the rebound chick?

[Vexna]

I was thinking. How does one know if you're the rebound chick? After a guy has been in a longterm relationship that's been off for a month or so and he reaches out to you, how do you know? Can't ask, will never get an honest answer.

[j.man]

Aside from obvious signs like getting stuck on talking about the ex, seemingly off emotionally, whatever, you're probably not going to know. You can acknowledge that you're pretty much betting on black though. Not a game of odds I'd personally be keen on playing, but you gotta do you.

[Hollyj]

"Thank you ALL for your advice and kind words! It means the world to me.

 

You are actually ALL absolutely correct.

 

I AM giving him motherly love and see the love he needs while I get affection in return.

 

I have been to every therapy I could possibly be in for over 20 years and am still as dysfunctional when it comes ro relationships. It helped in no way and I wasnt allowed to talk about my mother or my childhood where the problems probably stem from so I've never really had a non dysfunctional relationship. They have all been very calm and never any drama but the guys were unempathic and Im highly empathic so I left them. A partner whi spends his time in front of the PC and in no way can relate to you wanting to go out, can't last in the longrun. Not for me since I'm very extrovert and love being around people.

 

Hes never used me for money. He has a very good salary and can buy what he wants. He usually asks me before he comes by if I want anything fom the store and such. Always puts the dishes away after himself and never expects anything. I actually reacted on how polite he is. He said he's not like that with his mom since she's so hard on him but with me he wants to. Guess that meant he finds me to be a kind person whom he wants to treat better.

 

There's no point in getting therapy. They talk to you about your daily life and refuse to talk about childhood. I've been in DBT, CBT, psychodynamic conversational therapy, mindfullness and group therapy. None of them brought up my childhood and psychodynamic conv. flat out told me "We discuss the present here and not the past!" So it didnt help.

 

I am avoiding relationships bc I am aware I always end up with autistic partners bc thats what I am familiar with bc of my mother. So I very well understand I should live and be alone. But..my friends...its hard. Ive been alone since I was 17 and it makes me sad. I've tried so hard to get normal guys but they just dont interest me. I like the mystery of an autistic person I just cant figure out since theyre so unlike me.

 

But.... They also mean heartache and great loneliness.

 

I've also explained to him he should get a girl hus own age but he finds them to inmature, which is understandable. Still kinda sad though.. Its like he is so damaged by his mother he will never stop searching for love in older women. Although they say I look 25, I feel like an old bag who chases youngsters, with him bc he seems so uninterested."

What has changed, since you responded earlier today?

[Hollyj]

You were a secret and he used you for sex. Don't you think it was time you let this go. The age difference is not realistic either.

"What is he after?

Sooo.. I met this guy, 21 years old, while I was..ehum, 38. (I know, I know)

 

We hit it off and started hanging out. He only came by late at night during the weekends after having been partying with friends, and getting drunk. It kind of became a sex only relationship but we did more than just be intimate. We watched movies, talked and had dinner. Such things. Always at my place since he lived at home.

 

After a couple of months he ended it and seconds after he became violently ill and started puking his guts out. I took care of him for three days until he was well so he could go home. Never heard from him again.

 

Until... Just recently. He's now 24 and took up contact after what seems to be directly after a breakup from an even older (yes, it's possible, haha!) woman with two kids. They were a couple for 2 years although they didnt live together or see each other sometimes for weeks.

 

She has now moved to another town and they both agreed the relationship wouldn't lead anywhere so they broke it off but are still in contact. He's very protective of his phone which is a baaad sign.

 

It is also relevant that you include this with your question.

[Vexna]

Holly: First of all We havent slept together. Second of all was it really neccessary of you to do this in front ft everybody on the forum? You seem kind of cold and a bit mean in your posts and I don't appretiate it. Third, let it go? It happened not even 24 hours ago so it's completely fresh. I've sen others go on about very ol things on here and not have you putting them down in front of other on here like youäre doing to me. Do you lack empathy and understanding of other peoples pain?

 

But to adress this now, I figured it out. I forgot to mention I dug around yesterday and he told me he came out of a longterm relationship in november. They're actually still in contact.

 

And after having googled and read on it, there are some signs I was supposed to be the rebound although no sex was included. So I had the answer to my question right there.

 

See it was never about HIM, it was about KNOWING to that if I'm in a situation like this again, I'll know the signs and will be able to avoid it.

 

Therefore: Puzzle friggin SOLVED!

[Hollyj]

Hon, even if he hadn't, the relationship was not healthy. He is not good for you, or anyone else.

 

I also suggest you try a therapist that will focus on your childhood, so that you can break your attraction to autistic men. You need someone who can respond to you, both physically and emotionally.

 

I hope to god, you stay away form this guy.

[Vexna]

I will. And there are no therapists around here that does that as I said in the prevous thread so let this go now, Holly. It's over with this guy. I'm free.

[Hollyj]

Good for you.

 

Big hug!!!

[Viewcart]

Rushing into exclusivity because he wants to start off where he ended in his previous intimacy level with ex or emotionally distant and afraid to commit fully.

Talk about the ex a lot

Highly anxious/clingy

 

 

There's no 100% way to know. But what I like to do is discretely dig out little by little when his last RS was. I'd say anything less than 6m to 1 year of his last ended LTR is treading on thin ice; you should definitely be running for the hills. Some men will be nice enough to warn you beforehand. It's actually very clear if you simply listen and trust your gut intuition.

[Vexna]

Thats exactly what I did and found out it ended in november and a month after he contacted me. Hes not realising himself that hes looking for a replacement. I've gotten out but damn.He broke my already badly beaten up heart.

 

What other signs are there? This is great to know for another time.

 

So far: Clingy, anxious, this one didnt talk about his ex until i asked, emotionally off he's always been due to autism..

 

Gimme, gimme MORE!

[Cope]

More: If you catch yourself wondering if you are the rebound, you probably are.

Happened to me recently. I convinced myself otherwise, worse decision ever!

[Vexna]

Oh I hear ya, gurl. The minute I knew, It was bye-bye in my heart. I'm not no n second runner up, I'm number one or nothing at all.

 

However I think it's impotant that we don't blame them for it. I've been in his position and you're not aware of that you're searching for a consolation price so you're not doing it to be mean. They just havent gotten to that level of insight yet.