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Am I flogging a dead horse?

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Hi Guys,


Over the past couple months I have literally read all the articles and forum post's on here and also searched the depths of the internet for advice, although I have been given the real truth from family and friends, I still seem to want to seek more advice.


So, It has been almost 3 months since I split-up with my ex girlfriend, we were together for 8 years (18-26) but lived with each other for only a year and a half.


We moved into a beautiful top floor city apartment, I really enjoyed the first year there it was literally just what we needed after a few rough family issues prior to this. The first year was blissfull lot's of fun, lifestyle change etc etc.. but after a couple of months, she had to hand her license in due to a former illness which she had to up her meds etc.


Through the whole year, it didn't cause too many complications but she had to catch a lift to work with colleagues, which left me with the car.. I was then insured on the car.


We were a very chilled relationship, barely argued (which i think may of been the problem), humble and relaxed. Not a volatile partnership at all.



She was a very, very organised lady and was also very financially secure, she paid for deposit, parking, insurance etc. I was not forth coming when it came to this due to being a little strapped for cash when moving in... and was also a little bit ungrateful when coming to coughing up.


After sometime I started to notice she was getting slightly frustrated with me, with conversation, listening, remembering things like (what’s for tea), chipping in.. I think i just got abit lost in myself.. went off the beaten track. We started to form a distance rather than being close, I felt this.. but didn't pay much notice to it.


There were times which i must admit I was an arsey bugger, and that was just me! I can't help it, i'm a guy..


Fast forward to the last month.. I was going through probably the most stress point of my life, work was killing me, and leaving me with sooo much anger and feelings in my chest, I was going to boxing/running/fitness 7 days a week.


Her laptop died, after I used it to download something, which killed it.. and was going to cost me £500, which i wasn't particularly happy about, after trying to fix myself, i told her I would cough up, but any of the.. "long lasting debts" which she remembers over the years..(like 6 yrs ago) for buses/mini hols would need to be wiped etc etc. she said she would think about it..


She then after a while told me, she'd "thought about the laptop" and that she would accept the payment and wipe off all debts.. This then kind of lead into us having a mini argument, about how I feel she thinks about me, and how she just looks down on me (not really reflecting on what I’d done).


This then lead into me saying "something needs to change" .. and she said "I think we should split".


And also said "well I was going to tell you in January anyways so lets get it started"


I dealt with this blow, completely fine.. and went lets "crack on then" (teflon reaction)... I then left and stopped at home, we then had a chat a week later on the Monday.. and she told me "feelings have changed, don't see/respect you the same way/love".. another teflon reaction from myself, and said "OK, let it be".


Without showing her any emotion.. I was/still devastated, emotionally and physically.


I then moved all my stuff out, and moved back home.... Cutting all contact (blocked off FB/insta), any contact she gave me I dodged emotion and feelings and let it slide.


It was a huge LIFE Style shock moving back... (into my grandad) my "Lifestyle” had been swooped from beneath my feet.


In my head, I thought deep down we would let things blow over and I would reach out after a couple of months... As she was taking on the lease and stopping in the apartment, I knew where she was.. and could eventually reach out once I’d done some self-improvement tasks, and analysed how to approach her for reconciliation


I then received any email, with her saying she had received a secondment job offer to Australia and will be leaving in a couple of months.. this SHOOK my head, completely.. deep down, I thought I would be given a chance to redeem myself.. boy, I was not prepared for that.


Ever since that, I have been completely devastated.. now actually "accepting" it's over.. rather than "hoping" and building a case of how I will develop myself and save the day!


After completely moving away, and having time to reflect, like a 3rd person stepping out.. or a fly on the wall, I really come to understand what the hell I was doing..


I was sooo unappreciative, un-attentive and dependent.. I sabotaged this relationship, and became complacent.


I also cut my friends and family out.. which I think lead to us spending far too much time together, ruining the whole taste for one and other..sending it stale.


I am in no means going to tell her not to go.. as I would never do that, it's a great career move, and wish her the best of luck.


I really feel that I need to get somethings off my chest, although I believe she is done with me.. I want to tell her, either now (when I see her to sell the sofa to someone), or wait 6/8 months and let her know how I truly feel whilst she’s in Australia..


I just know it will have to be down to timing, and also have to understand that.. she may be very cold..and have moved on.. in her head.


All the people I have spoken to just say; “you’ll be fine.. give it time”.. “you’re a good looking lad, you’ll have no problem with the ladies” but that was my first love, and I am having some difficulties letting go.


Although I have reflected and have thought of this situation as being all my fault.. I am nice person and have always strived for happiness.


I haven’t told her much since the split, and think I have done very well interms of keeping my head together…


I believe she needs to hear it.. but I think.. I may be flogging a dead horse on this now..


I have analysed everything I had done wrong, I just want to try and tell her..


Also believe, things WOULD change.. if we were to get things off the ground, sometimes takes a lot of self reflection to really make a difference in LIFE


Really believe she has seen me for who I am, and would not believe in a second chance.. I got myself into a life rut, and have realized that now.


Please if you could provide your thoughts, that would be grateful.


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hello L0STL0V3R,


Really sorry this has happened.


Firstly, your writing is very nice and it's clearly portrayed.


"After sometime I started to notice she was getting slightly frustrated with me, with conversation, listening, remembering things like (what’s for tea), chipping in.. I think i just got abit lost in myself.. went off the beaten track. We started to form a distance rather than being close, I felt this.. but didn't pay much notice to it."


^The above is what sticks out to me, to be honest^. Coming from a female, these are massive warning signs. What followed would then not be a surprise.


I think you need to let her go and carry on with your life. try not to be so down on yourself, you sound like a decent guy.


Sometimes 2 people are together and they drift apart. It happens.


I'm sure if you look back on this in 6-12 months, you will see that this ending was meant to be.


Chin up and keep your thoughts on here. it does help to talk about it.


S x

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See, I'm with Sputnik on this one. I feel like you are grasping for a status quo situation and will say anything to get the normal back.


This is not to say this relationship is doomed. Perhaps for this to progress in the right way, you both need a year or few apart to grow. You have been together through your early adult years with little time to experience life. Now you have the opportunity, and so does she.


And sure, things would change if given enough time, but its easy to proclaim this in capitals, like it will have some stronger meaning, but I am still waiting to start my diet on Monday.


Get on with your life, have some fun, grow and become a better person THEN go find her if that is what you still want.


And if she is off to the land of Oz, like so many Brits before her, she won't want to come back.

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People change and grow a lot from the late teens to the late twenties. It's common to outgrow a relationship during this period, and to her, that happened. It will take you a while to mourn and heal, but in time you will. You will be a better partner to your future gf, having learned what didn't work in the former relationship. I wouldn't be hopeful to reconcile with your ex. In cases like this, when a woman is done, she'd done.

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I would like to say thank you Keyman (and Sputnik) for your lovely words, they have really resonated with me. I truly believe that this should be seen as an opportunity to focus on me, and my core life objectives.. which I put on the back burner in this relationship.


I also believed we did settle a little too young, and some freedom will do us both some good!


I am going to let her go, but I think.. I will be writing her an email/letter.. and telling her how I feel, which will give me some closure.. or I may just even burn it.


Thanks again for the comments, writing this definitely allowed me to express and actually find some further perspective which felt quite nice.


I will be getting on with my life: Growing & Learning.. and in time, my heart will tell me whether she is worth the chase.


All the Best,


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