I can't cope any longer

[Drummergirl11]

I don't know where else to turn. I feel like I'm just done with life and that it's never going to get better.

 

First of all, I really struggle with my looks. I hate the way I look as I'm incredibly unattractive. My thighs are big and flabby and covered in stretch marks and cellulite (it's so gross). My bum is big and jiggly and again, covered in stretch marks and cellulite. My tummy is big and flabby and my breasts are ugly and saggy and one is bigger than the other. My arms are also kind of gross. I've tried working on my body (I really, really have, I'm not just saying it in a defensive way) but it's so hard, I feel like food is all I've got and I'm too ashamed of the way I look to go to the gym. I feel like I'm just going to get laughed at if I go to a gym or try to go out running, and I really could not take that. Furthermore, my skin is spotty and my complexion is very uneven. My teeth are discoloured, my eyes are small and my hair is always a mess. My cheeks are plump and my face is just overly wide. I never know what to put on to look attractive/stylish. I don't want to leave the house because I'm so ashamed of my disgusting appearance. I feel like I must make others want to be sick.

 

I'm also good at and good for nothing. I have no talents or skills. I'm at a rubbish university because I'm a rubbish academic and I can't seem to do/get anything right. I try to write but my ideas are trash, I'm trying to learn drums but my teacher has pretty much told me that I'm useless and should give up. I'm awful at every sport I've ever tried, I can't draw or paint. I can't speak any languages apart from from of course English, my first language. I've tried so many things but I can't do anything right or well. What is the point in me? Why do I even bother staying here if I have nothing to offer anyone?

 

I haven't a friend in the whole wide world. In fact, in my 20 years here, I don't think I've ever had a friend, not one. I didn't have any friends as a child, I'd walk around the playground alone. In high school I had a few acquaintances but never any friends. At university, the situation is the same. There's a group of people I chat to here and there, and as much as I've tried to be their friends I feel that they've made it quite clear to me that they're not interested in that with me. I'm very awkward socially, I don't know how to talk to others. I get carried away and over excited. I never know when I'm offending someone or being inappropriate. I'm so alone. I have no-one to talk to or share anything with. I have my mom but that's literally it. I was always close to my sister but she seems distant and fed up with me lately. I have no-one.

 

I feel exhausted all the time and I feel like I'm going every day on the edge of something... a sort of break down I guess? All I want to do is lay in bed and not get dressed and eat and watch rubbish telly. It's all I seem to have the energy for anymore. Sometimes I wake up with a 'I can do this, I must try to improve myself and be positive today' attitude but it dissolves really quickly. I don't see the point in trying any more. I'm a total failure in every aspect of life and I feel completely hopeless.

 

I've begun burning myself with a match between my toes occasionally. It's the only thing that stops the thoughts sometimes.

 

I just want to give in now. I feel like I've been battling these demons for years and years but they just seem to get stronger and stronger while I get weaker and weaker. I've lost all hope that it's ever going to improve at all and I just want to resign myself to lying in bed all day and crying. I feel like all I've got is Netflix and food. What sort of a life is that?

 

Nobody will listen to me or help me talk about how I feel. I've had enough. I feel like perhaps it'd be better if I just ended it all. I don't think I'd be missed by anyone that much or for very long. I feel as though the only people who'd remember me a couple of years later would be my mom and my sister. I'm nothing.

 

Please, someone tell me that there's a way out of this. I can't cope any longer.

[ihr87]

Honestly don't focus on all the bad. Find one positive thing and go from there.

 

If you like playing the drums and stink at it? Keep playing it. That's the only way you're going to get better.

 

The point here is that you control your life. If you're being negative you're going to be negative and miserable. Try being positive, little by little.

 

Don't give up.

[Tuna010]

Hi drummer girl. I too have felt like you a lot of the time and struggle with self esteem daily and feel pretty useless however recently I have had a pretty big health scare which really put things into perspective for me. Are you healthy, as in you don't have any life threatening illness that is the first thing to be thankful for. Wake up in the morning and think I'm alive and where there is life there is hope. It's good you sometimes have a positive attitude, you still have some fight left. You have one life you can wallow or you can work with what you have and be the best you you can be. As for your teacher telling you your useless well maybe he is a useless teacher, it takes years to learn an instrument and lots of dedication do not give up. As for your looks, you can't expect change if you don't put in the work, no one will laugh at you ppl are seriously more concerned about themselves. I think you need to give yourself an upper cut and realise you have a whole life in front of you go out and grab it and be the best you you can be, going to the gym will not only make you look fitter you will also mentally feel better and get that ball rolling. I'm no oil painting and get down some days when I look at other girls but this is what I've been given so I have to make it work, also a lot can be said for a happy demeanour and smiling face, can instantly make someone 100 more attractive and approachable. Please do not think of ending it all, you don't know what's on the other side it might not even be better it might be worse. You shd talk to a life coach to get you back on track xoxo

[greta96]

As long as you are going to tell yourself that you are a failure, things will not improve for you one bit. Just look at what you wrote: everything is negative! You don't love yourself, you don't even like yourself, although I know without a doubt there's a lot to like/love about yourself. You just don't see it.

Listen, there is some truth in that Law of Attraction concept. I don't buy the mambo jumbo and the brain washing techniques, but on a basic level, there is some logical explanation of this Law. To make a long story short, we all have a conscious mind (the rational one that filters all our thoughts, feelings, behaviors and makes decisions for us), and a subconscious mind, that can't distinguish between reality and imagination and takes as valid everything the conscious mind tells it to. If you keep thinking negative, self destructive thoughts, your subconscious mind takes them as true and brings more of that in your life. On the contrary, if you think positive thoughts, your subconscious mind will make sure to attract positive things in your life. I tested it myself, it's true. I 've heard many times that saying "we make our own destiny" and thought it was BS. In some ways it is. But when you think of what I just said, it makes sense. If you let your pessimistic, negative thinking to take over, it just attracts more of the same and your life will never improve. I know that every time I was content with something in my life, but for whatever reason I became paranoid of losing it and started imagining worst case scenarios, that's exactly what I got. As long as I kept a positive attitude and pushed the negative thoughts out of my mind, life continued being good.

 

Listen, your body is fine, you just need to work on it. Almost everyone has cellulite. You're flabby? Try to work out a bit - doesn't have to be hours at the gym. Just walk around listening to music, that should help. A boob is larger than another? News flash: almost all of us have that going on, because no human is completely symmetrical. Face broken out? There are treatments, and then there's makeup. Look up videos on YouTube that teach you how to camouflage breakouts. Hair a mess? So is mine to be honest. Buy some good conditioners and styling products, or last resort - get extensions. Everything can be worked on! The key is discipline though. You can do wonders to your body through diet, but you need to resist the temptation of food (the foods that are not good for you - too many white carbs, sugars, fast food, junk food, soda, etc). Only you can help yourself, nobody can do it for you.

 

I reckon you don't have friends because you feel so badly about yourself that it shows, and people tend to stay away from those who radiate negativity. Once you become happier with yourself, you'll see how people start gravitating towards you. Replace brainless TV (which I think has had a terrible influence on society in general) with reading a book. It's much more rewarding. Try some meditations (Youtube has plenty of those), they are really good at lifting your spirits.

 

And last but not least, it sounds to me like you may suffer from depression, and maybe talking to your doctor about it and getting a prescription for SSRI would benefit you greatly. Firstly your mood will improve, you will have more energy, and that's how you'll re-awaken the desire to work on yourself and accomplish the changes you want.

 

The way I see it, you have lots of work ahead but it's all doable. You can totally change your life around, but you need to put in an effort, because the more you delay it, the more difficult it will be.

 

Good luck!

[mollymcdonald]

Hi Drummer girl.

 

First of all, you are not worthless. For one, you have the ability to articulate your feelings in such an honest way. That itself is a gift.

 

You said you are really down about how you look and that you need to lose some weight, love eating ( me too ) and are too afraid to go to the gym because people will laugh at you. No they won't. They will admire you. You should make it your priority to eat a little better ( not less) , exercise for even half an hour a day and journal how you feel every evening. This could make you feel better within the space of a couple of days and if you continue to do this you will see huge changes over the weeks and months.

 

Concentrate on your survival. You are not worthless. Believe in yourself. There is no shortcut. Every big change courage.

 

You don't have a choice when you feel this low, you gotta dig deep x

[greendots]

Hi Drummergirl:

 

1. You are very courageous! Sharing so much personal stuff isn't easy.

2. Take one small step each day.

3. The best changes start small.

4. Are you able to go to a doctor? Sometimes medical reasons are the culprit of weight gain.

5. Would you be interested in volunteering somewhere? Perhaps community centres or some other organisation that interests you? Volunteering is great way to meet people! Plus, giving back to society is great joy.

6. Please stop burning your toe with a match. As others have said, you are worth it.

7. If you can, fire your drum teacher and find a new one. Becoming skilful is possible. It just takes time, patience, having a good mentor and lots of practice.

 

Please keep us posted.

 

A big hug to you!