Drummergirl11 Posted February 17, 2018 Share Posted February 17, 2018 I don't know where else to turn. I feel like I'm just done with life and that it's never going to get better. First of all, I really struggle with my looks. I hate the way I look as I'm incredibly unattractive. My thighs are big and flabby and covered in stretch marks and cellulite (it's so gross). My bum is big and jiggly and again, covered in stretch marks and cellulite. My tummy is big and flabby and my breasts are ugly and saggy and one is bigger than the other. My arms are also kind of gross. I've tried working on my body (I really, really have, I'm not just saying it in a defensive way) but it's so hard, I feel like food is all I've got and I'm too ashamed of the way I look to go to the gym. I feel like I'm just going to get laughed at if I go to a gym or try to go out running, and I really could not take that. Furthermore, my skin is spotty and my complexion is very uneven. My teeth are discoloured, my eyes are small and my hair is always a mess. My cheeks are plump and my face is just overly wide. I never know what to put on to look attractive/stylish. I don't want to leave the house because I'm so ashamed of my disgusting appearance. I feel like I must make others want to be sick. I'm also good at and good for nothing. I have no talents or skills. I'm at a rubbish university because I'm a rubbish academic and I can't seem to do/get anything right. I try to write but my ideas are trash, I'm trying to learn drums but my teacher has pretty much told me that I'm useless and should give up. I'm awful at every sport I've ever tried, I can't draw or paint. I can't speak any languages apart from from of course English, my first language. I've tried so many things but I can't do anything right or well. What is the point in me? Why do I even bother staying here if I have nothing to offer anyone? I haven't a friend in the whole wide world. In fact, in my 20 years here, I don't think I've ever had a friend, not one. I didn't have any friends as a child, I'd walk around the playground alone. In high school I had a few acquaintances but never any friends. At university, the situation is the same. There's a group of people I chat to here and there, and as much as I've tried to be their friends I feel that they've made it quite clear to me that they're not interested in that with me. I'm very awkward socially, I don't know how to talk to others. I get carried away and over excited. I never know when I'm offending someone or being inappropriate. I'm so alone. I have no-one to talk to or share anything with. I have my mom but that's literally it. I was always close to my sister but she seems distant and fed up with me lately. I have no-one. I feel exhausted all the time and I feel like I'm going every day on the edge of something... a sort of break down I guess? All I want to do is lay in bed and not get dressed and eat and watch rubbish telly. It's all I seem to have the energy for anymore. Sometimes I wake up with a 'I can do this, I must try to improve myself and be positive today' attitude but it dissolves really quickly. I don't see the point in trying any more. I'm a total failure in every aspect of life and I feel completely hopeless. I've begun burning myself with a match between my toes occasionally. It's the only thing that stops the thoughts sometimes. I just want to give in now. I feel like I've been battling these demons for years and years but they just seem to get stronger and stronger while I get weaker and weaker. I've lost all hope that it's ever going to improve at all and I just want to resign myself to lying in bed all day and crying. I feel like all I've got is Netflix and food. What sort of a life is that? Nobody will listen to me or help me talk about how I feel. I've had enough. I feel like perhaps it'd be better if I just ended it all. I don't think I'd be missed by anyone that much or for very long. I feel as though the only people who'd remember me a couple of years later would be my mom and my sister. I'm nothing. Please, someone tell me that there's a way out of this. I can't cope any longer. Link to comment
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