DancingFool Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 ...Let's not start projecting and creating conjectures of 3am calls from the ex. IF she starts doing stuff like that, it can then be addressed. In the meantime, how about let's give the OP and his ex the benefit of the doubt that they are two sane, rational adults who can figure out how navigate the dog situation in a healthy manner and work out how to share time with the dogs and respect each other in the process. Including adjusting for a new gf/bf situation when that comes up. I don't get the impression from the OP that his ex is some kind of a psycho. Divorce is difficult, it takes time and treating each other with kindness, patience and respect will go a long way toward healing faster and ultimately a clean amicable separation. Link to comment
Wicky1955 Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 LHGIRL...yes she has a key to the house and was coming and going as necessary. Up until recently, she was getting her mail here and would stop by to pick up mail. She would text me with days she wanted to walk the dogs and I would accommodate her request. I would not be here when she came by. I don't take it as you being hard on me..I came here for advise and appreciate you being open to what you went through. If you really want to me out, she thinks that I should allow her to stay overnight in the house if I need to be out of town. During our separation, she did that a few times. I have told her that will not work and she has suggested I get over it..Ain't happening Link to comment
Wicky1955 Posted February 9, 2018 Author Share Posted February 9, 2018 Dancingfool..great post and exactly the situation. We are both good people and want the best for each other. We have shown nothing but respect for each other during a very difficult time and I want that to continue. I do however appreciate the other opinions here and don't want to fall into some trap. thanks again Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted February 9, 2018 Share Posted February 9, 2018 ...Let's not start projecting and creating conjectures of 3am calls from the ex. So then what did you mean by this: Meaning no phone calls late at night with "come over to help me fix the microwave". Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 I can sympathize. I took the less recommended path and remained friends with my husband through our separation and divorce. He was the one that left, and continuing a connection during the healing process had it's pros and cons for me. (We did have a phase of no contact, which I needed.) It has been years, now, and has worked out fine, and I would not want to remove him (nor my in-laws) completely from my life. I'm curious, which one of you initiated the split? Is she the one that left and insists on sharing the cost of the dogs even though you are the one keeping them? Does she see it as joint custody? Over the long run, I've found it works best to limit anything that creates expectations, even though he offers and insists he wants to do things "to help". My advice is to keep it as simple as possible even if you do still have a connection. I don't see a need to cut ties (which sounds complete) but do keep it no-strings-attached. Link to comment
Wicky1955 Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 journeynow. I was the one that initiated the divorce. I went complete NC as recommended by this forum for several months. We then decided that the marriage was worth saving, and spent several months on trying to work things out. In the end, I didn't see the commitment I needed and went no contact again for several months. Eventually, she got frustrated with the no contact and suggested we move forward with the divorce. I have no desire to be friends with her however; we have worked hard to make our split as respectful and cordial as possible. She is the one that insists that we split all costs with the dogs and she probably sees it as joint custody. I will add that we are not young kids playing a game. She is 58, I am 62. Thanks for your insight. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 I misread that you were interested in maintaining a friendship post divorce. Thanks for clarifying. I would definitely not be setting up a long-term arrangement that keeps you connected (through dogs, COSTCO, 457k plans). I think it is respectful (and kind) to be clear about the boundaries you want long term, that after the divorce you will go your separate ways. Personally I would not want my ex stopping by weekly to take care of dogs or anything else, whether I'm home or not. Even though we are on friendly terms, I need my boundaries, and respect of my personal (and emotional) space. (We are in the same age bracket as you are. The separation and divorce were amicable. Neither of us wanted to make things harder on the other.) Be very clear, concise, and firm with her about what you will and won't accept. If you don't want joint custody of the dogs, why split the dog expenses? Do you need the money? Link to comment
Wicky1955 Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 No I don't need the money. I was not going to argue over dog food and vet bills during our negotiations. She had the lawyer write that into the agreement. My best way out of that, as I see it, is to never ask her for money towards the dogs. As far as the 457K plan and the memberships, I agree that I need to separate from all those issues. Thanks again for your advise. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 I'm surprised that the focus is on the dogs, not your kids. Will she be maintaining a relationship with them? Link to comment
Wicky1955 Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 catfeeder..I do believe she will do her best to maintain her relationship with my boys. They are open to that, and have told her that their relationship with her will not be dictated by her relationship with me. She has been a wonderful mother to the boys over the years and they appreciate each other. Link to comment
Wicky1955 Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 How ironic..she just called to ask if she could stop by and pick up a case of tennis balls to return to Costco. She then texted me and asked if I needed anything from Costco. I said "no, I will be opening up my own account next week, but thanks". Thanks guys..one step at a time.. Link to comment
Starlight925 Posted February 10, 2018 Share Posted February 10, 2018 How ironic..she just called to ask if she could stop by and pick up a case of tennis balls to return to Costco. She then texted me and asked if I needed anything from Costco. I said "no, I will be opening up my own account next week, but thanks". Thanks guys..one step at a time.. She's still trying to "play wife". Great response text by you. She's trying to use the Costco membership as a thread to you. Notice how she used it twice in one phone call: to stop by and "pick up tennis balls" (i.e., see you), and to see if she can pick up anything for you (i.s. see you again to drop off purchases). Best thing to do is let her calls go to VM. Only respond via text, and keep your texts short and to the point. At some point, you might need to be a bit more forceful in your responses. Establish a dog-walking schedule for her: Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturday mornings between the hours of x and x:30. Do not be home when she comes over. I know I'm being a bit harsh here, but if you ever want a future with a new woman, you'll thank me. FWIW, I'm in your age group (I'm almost 56), and I see this type of thing often. Link to comment
Wicky1955 Posted February 10, 2018 Author Share Posted February 10, 2018 LHGIRL..I don't think your being harsh..sometimes I need to be told matter or fact style..thanks Link to comment
Wicky1955 Posted February 13, 2018 Author Share Posted February 13, 2018 LHGIRL..thank you for being in my age group at 55. Makes me feel a little younger.. Link to comment
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