Help-when will the pain stop?

[IamLost]

Hi Everyone:

 

I registered under a different name a while ago (I didn't want people to think I "just joined"!), b/c I was paranoid my ex would somehow see my other user name. Anyway, we broke up mid-April. I know it's only been about 8 weeks, but I have been going thru hell. It's actually not getting better, I actually feel it's kind of getting worse! And that makes me feel like it's going to be never-ending. He of course already has a new GF, about a week & 1/2 after we broke up. I found e-mails to & from each other (HUGE mistake for me to snoop- I know- I only hurt myself- I mean TORTURED , myself!), I should say).

 

Originally, him & I were supposed to get back together after he "tried what was out there" but knew he wanted to be w/me. Well, you know how that goes... he discovers what's out there, and then realizes how sheltered he was! I don't know what's going to happen, b/c right now he's REALLY head over heals for this girl. Whatever.

 

We have been really sweet to each other as far as "farewell" e-mails and saying good-bye, b/c I know we still love each other. But this sadness is burrowing inside of me & becoming deeper & deeper, I feel. I thought I would get some relief by this point, but that is just not happening. I know he is dealing w/it better than me (I shouldn't say "better" b/c he just supresses everything), but differently than me. So from the outside, it looks like he's doing better. And on a conscious level, maybe he is. But somewhere inside, it is probably effecting him and coming out in different ways, and will continue to effect him until it runs its course. Me... I am crying almost every day, attending divorce/greif groups, going to individual therapy, talking my friends' ears off; it seems that addressing the feelings whenever they come up, is the only way for me to deal. I don't necessarily know if it's the healthiest thing for me right now, but it's what I'm doing to survive my pain, I guess.

 

Now as far as things getting worse, I think a factor is that he is away at school. I know he never cheated on me b/c he came home every weekend, and we had a very strong, honest, trusting relationship. But my point in telling you all that he was away at school, is b/c sometimes (once or twice over the 3 yrs. we were together), we went 1 month w/out seeing each other for whatever reason (he went on vaca w/his friends, & went directly back to school after that- whatever). So do you guys think that now that I've hit the 2 month mark it's harder b/c I've never gone this long w/out seeing him, but before I had (at the 1 month mark)? Also, for about 2.5 weeks now, we've completely reached the "no contact" phase (as far as e-mails and seeing how each other are doing). Do you think that now the "no-contact" is setting in???

 

I miss him sooooo much & love him sooooo much & don't really know how to get thru this. All I want is reassurance that we will one day (in like a yr. from now b/c that's how long it will take me to heal from all this B.S.) get back together. I know a lot of you think that is very unrealistic & wishful thinking, which it probably is, but what else do I have to hold onto? When you love someone SO MUCH????!!!

[gabby]

iight....iam going through the same thing right now...and its very difficult for me too...my story is different than urs but i have a guy that i LOVE more than anything in this world...who now has a gf.. and its killing me and we got into a fight so were not even frenz anymore...so i guess u have to take it slowly i mean i try to but then i start thinking about him again....i cry almost every night and everythign makes me think of him...theres nothing else u can do but wait...i mean talk to him if it will make u feel better....u have that advantage i dont...he doesnt even want me to talk to him....

[IamLost]

Oh no way... talking to him for me is like torture! And he said it makes it 10x harder for him, too to talk to me. It's better to break contact to heal, I think.

 

I am sorry you ended badly. Bad break-ups are so hard, b/c you don't want to end things on that kind of note. I know... we almost broke up in Jan. like that. It was awful. Huge fight... then break-up. I feel so lucky that this was civil, loving, and gentle. It still hurts more than anything I've ever experienced, and I can't imagine I'll be over it in a year (we agreed we would meet next summer to do lunch)- whatever!

[MR]

 

 

I really know how you feel Iamlost.

I recently lost all hope that my girlfriend would come back to me. She makes like an hour a week for me and i'm sure she has someone else.

I can't take the pain every night, i'm having really bad thoughts.

I'm sure if you are strong enough for long enough you can get through this and emerge a better person. Thats what i'm hoping at least.

[IamLost]

Yeah, it's just sooooo awful. I love him SOOOO much. I miss everything. I try to ignore it, try to realize all his faults, but I don't care. I just want to take care of him. I just want to be in his arms again, and mine in his, and wish none of this ever happened. But I guess it was bound to happen anyway, since he had never had a GF before me. You can't (generally) be w/one person only your whole life. I don't blame him for what happened, but I just don't understand why he basically "ruled out" getting back together. B/C he pretty much did. (gave me pretty obvious messages that that was not his line of thinking anymore). I know having someone else is a major anedote for heartbreak and wanting to be w/me forever- he thinks now she is everything. Not me anymore. So... that's where that all came into play I guess. Whatever. Uh! I am so sick of saying Whatever! Everything is just so old & repetitive & draining & exhausting. I am improving my life on the outside, though. I am working out EVERYDAY- like big time, I got a personal trainer, so many things to "look good for him" in the future (b/c she is a stick, and I am not)- I know it's all for the wrong reasons, but it's all I care about.

[MR]

am working out EVERYDAY- like big time, I got a personal trainer, so many things to "look good for him" in the future (b/c she is a stick, and I am not)- I know it's all for the wrong reasons, but it's all I care about.

 

 

 

 

OMG, I've heard that so many times. My last gf was like a stick so the gf i had before that thinks it's all cuz of that. Let me be the first to assure you there are men that don't care about that at all. It may just be coincidence that she is thinner, it was for me. When two people care about each other weight isn't even an issue so don't start thinking that way. It's crazy and you are fighting a never ending battle. It thats his only reason then soon you will start to think he didn't deserve you anyway. Good luck, i know you can do it.

[IamLost]

He DOES care about that- not in a shallow way... but here's the scoop- I am pretty overweight & it has been kinda an issue in our relationship. I hated the way I looked way more than he did & he always still complimented me & stuff, but it was still a slight issue. He's been w/me for 3 yrs., and I guess it just got kinda old b/c I wasn't taking care of myself so much anymore. I will post the letter he wrote to me about 5 months ago: (it's really a complex issue. He is not shallow, but I DO understand where he's coming from). He has always wanted this body type that she is (Christina Agulleira), and now he got it. So he is mesmerized for now. And when he sees me, I want him to see what I've done. I have about 80 lbs. to lose, I've lost 48 so far.

 

Hi ______,

 

Thanks for your email, it helped me understand how you feel about everything. I just wanted to start out by saying that I think the conversation just really went the wrong way about everything last night, and you aren't probably feeling too great today. Sorry I was hard on you. (we talked about my weight a bit this night)

 

What I wanted to tell you about the whole thing... is... During the first 2 years of our relationship I was really happy with everything, and loving your personality so much I really cared less of what you looked like. I felt you were so cute, because you are an actually very pretty girl, plus you have the best personality anyone could ask for. And I was very happy with everything, and that reflected I think how I treated you, and how I reacted to things you said. I had patience, love, and I wanted to treat you nicely!

 

As time went on, we sometimes stopped getting along on a daily basis, and then everything became more apparent and negative to me I guess. I felt like you didn't really want to get along, because it was more important to you to feel better about things, than to just let them go. I felt like you didn't care to make things work, rather you wanted to constantly focus on negative stuff. And drag everything out. Well, since I became unhappy to some degree with our relationship on a personal level, other areas like your weight started to affect me to a greater degree, especially when you weren't doing so good. I felt like you didn't want me to like you, and all the sudden the person who I adored and loved so much wasn't looking as appealing as before. And from that I guess I no longer had the patience to deal with stuff, or be nice, or just be the person I used to be.

 

I don't really know what the solution should be. Even though on the surface I might feel like I want to experience other people out there, I soon realize that, that would mean there would be no more _____. he wrote my name. Even though I haven't been in other relationships, I can really value and realize what we have. No other girl would ever sit on the edge of the bath tub while I take a bath, or do all the small cute little things you do for me. Like buy me chocolate Easter bunnies! I don't want to lose you, and in the end really want to be with you.

 

So, I guess I told you how I felt! I just don't know how to get past the things that made our relationship sour over the last year or so! But I ensure you my main concern is getting A-LONG, not your weight!

 

I Love you!

 

God, that letter makes me so so so so so so so so so sad!

[IamLost]

So it's normal to still feel sick (I mean physical sickness! ) after 8-9 weeks?!

[reborn]

Hi I am Lost,

It is so heart recking to read your postings. I know that you are going through so much pain, and so am I. It is strangely encouraging in the sense that knowing there are others out there that id with your pain, makes it a bit more manageble. So, even though you are going through hell and there is very little positive stuff that you feel comes out of this, know that the fact that you are expressing how you feel is helping me, a perfect stranger, cope with the same pain.

 

I wont go into great detail about the breakup of my relationship here. In a nutshell he didn´t know what he wanted and felt really stuck as far as his profesional future. In this sense he also had lots of preassure from his family to get it together. He felt like a looser and that time gas going by,etc. he is 27. At the same time I was going through a hard time myself and needed his emotional support, I was so tense but maybe I didn´t go about it in the right, way. The thing is that he felt overwhelmed, didn´t want to be in a relationship anymore. Felt unable to help me, etc. We have broken up 3 times before, mainly we had this dinamic in the relation that happens to many couples where one is more needy and the other strugles for their space. I was the needy one and I know I sometimes overlhelmed him however, I worked on it and we stayed a year together regarldless. We had our tensions but we were happy, got along great, etc.Our relationship never went through a decadence. It was more a decision to stop than a problem with us like one ofending or hurting the other, etc.

 

He broke up, didn´t speak for 2 months then he reached me as a friend. We met on saturday, spent all day hanging out then the next day he helped me move and jumped in my arms, and told me he loved me, and missed me, and that the breakup was a mistake, etc. I fought it at first but really couldn´t resist cause I still have feelings for him. Then we spoke out relationship stuff and to make a long story short he closed off again. He will be in town for just a few more weeks. Told me he doesn´t want to hang out and be all afectionate as gf/bf because though he likes hanging out with me and is very phisically atracted he is afraid he will hurt me because I want to fall in love and he doens´t. That he doesn´t want a relationship. Just like when he broke up but now he feels he loves me as a daughter, (he is younger than me!!) told me he doesn´t believe in love anymore (this after a one year relationship) He said he wish he could say he was in love with me but that he wasn´t and I even told him if he wanted me to wait for him until things were more settled and he said, no it wouldn´t be fair to me.

 

So there you have it, firts time I felt put aside, now I felt totally rejected. I am under so much pain. I look like I am ok, becuase I don´t even cry so much, strangely the tears don´t even come out so much but i feel like a roller coaster inside. I can´t stop thinking or talking about it. And don´t know much what to do. I still love him. I don´t know if I want him back, because I respect his need for space, but i still love him.

 

I am perturbed. I feel so much pain like you. I know it must be over but I have such a hard time accepting it. I try to make sense of things to understand it. Our relationship never deteriorated, we had problems just like anyone but it just stoped. Like he broke the bond out of fear, overwhelmed, whatever, and that was that, and I don´t even know if he was ever really in love or what the hell was it that day when we met and he was. I want him back so badly. I miss him and want to be in his arms. It drives me nuts to think he will some day get involved with someone else. Though we had fairly good conversations I still feel a bit guilty and that I should have done things differently.

 

But then again there is a part of me that is so hurt, I feel so rejected and don´t ever wanna see him again in my life. Obviously if somebody says those things they are closing all doors on you (I asked him if he wanted me to wait for him--he said that wouldn´t be fair to me). Sometimes I don´t want him back at all, sometimes I just want to reason with him, tell him it is all not about lack of love but fear. I don´t know I feel I am going crazy. It has been 2 weeks since we had that horrible, painful, heart recking conversation and yesterday and today I feel so much like calling him. What to do????

 

So there you have it, another lost soul going through the same crap and trying to make sense of things. My friends are bored talking to me about it. Thank you for posting and for reading this. We will get through this and we will give each other encouragement.I won´t tire of hearing your story.

[IamLost]

Hi Reborn:

 

I private messaged you.

 

 

 

 

[kinatra]

Hi ladies,

 

I was very touched by your stories. I must say the stories you tell are very comparable to my situation. The biggest difference is that I was the one who broke things off because I was not ready for marriage. I loved her and would do anything for her. We were together for 4 years and marriage was the next step, but I wasn't ready. It kills me to think that I have let go of something so special; but was not ready for what she wanted and that thing became a wedge between us. I felt suffocated because I wasn't were I wanted to be in my own life - she was talking about having babies in the next few years and I wasn't ready or what I am hoping is, she wasn't the one. I hope to god I did the right thing.

 

I must say that I don't think break ups are good for either party in the relationship.... Sometimes one in the realtionship falls out of love or no longer believes in the same future...when this happens it's painful because you have to end things with your best friend and lover. Break ups are not easy....my blues, saddness, negative view of the future is testament to this. I think of that poem that asks for the moon to go home and the stars to be plucked from the sky because they are not needed anymore.... But I have to believe that what I did was right for the both of us. She will find what she needs as will I. I love her and always will.

 

Just my thoughts,

 

Take care,

 

Kinatra