Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I was dating a girl for about 8 months, which was always afraid that she might be the "second violin" or something like that, despite the fact that I have spent nearly 70% of the entire year with her, and we discussed multiple times how well we are together. We started seeing each other less and less, and she suddenly told me that she was in a new relationship (2 weeks period). The most utterly stupid thing I have ever heard in my life. Needless to say, depression followed, anger grew strong, then it became a bit neutral. She wanted to keep contact and be friends of course, I immediately began no contact, but she kept and kept on contacting me despite the fact that I have not. She gives me best wishes at all holidays. I asked her to stop contacting me, she says okay, then contacts me on random occasions again.


Now it's been 4 months, and I can't think about nothing else but her damn existence. This is turning into a huge problem for me on a daily basis, everything is without meaning and nothing is interesting. I feel like I lost myself. I go to the GYM regularly, lift as heavy as I can, and I get a 15 to 20 minute period of calm after each session, and after that it all comes back like I am on some kind of a psychedelic drug. Last night after work I was on the verge of ripping the steering wheel of my car, closing off my eyelids breathing heavy and all that.


After all this, like by some sick magic trick all my social contacts began turning down offers from me, and the loneliness grows each day. I am literally angrier each day, the feeling is close to when someone has died, and it literally is like so, she is a completely different person. I know I must move on, I do everything possible to keep myself busy, but it gets worse and worse. I can't distinguish Wednesday from Sunday. Holidays are blank and empty, nothing seems to matter. Even old flings seem to sense my desperation.


I even went to a "spell-remover" , an old lady that uses melted lead to tell if you have a spell on you, and every time I get the same result, that there is "someone" or "something that travels with me", yes I went down that road.


I speak about this with my Father and Uncle, and everyone is saying that this is normal, but I am 28 now and I am completely lost.


This is not just an after-romance vent, I feel like an indecent human being. I have no active social life, all my connections are turning me down for whatever reasons.


I thought about seeing a therapist, but I don't think it will help.

Link to comment

I think it would be better to try the psychologist, and have it not work (and if that's the case try another pyschologist because you need to find one that is a good fit,) than default to no help because you haven't even tried.


And while you aren't read for that, you might find the captains recovery advise in this letter/answer useful. (I reckon this should be like the grieving break up handbook it's so excellent). https://captainawkward.com/2011/02/09/reader-question-16-the-golden-retrieverkwisatz-haderach-of-love/


I am really sorry you are in the clutches of depression, (I can relate!!) I wish good things for you.

Link to comment

I'd recommend:


1) Blocking her on all aps, cell phone, mail, facebook, everything. With people who refuse to cut contact when you ask them to, it's the only thing to do. I had a terrible ex-friend in my life who kept sending me wishes just before Christmas Eve and so on, it ruined my happy moments in life, so seriously - all their messages need to go to junk. This is the only way to be sane. And zero cyberstalking them.


2) Seeing a psychiatrist. I'm sceptical about meds, but I have to say, of all the things my SSRI meds didn't help for, they did help with ruminating and I was able to switch from thinking about someone 95% of the time to like 5% of the time and it saved my mind. I can recommend meds that helped me, but you'll be best contacting a professional about it who will give you the right medicine. If it's right, the side effects will be worth it and it might give you a real boost in your healing process. If you're condition resembles PTSD, it is a great thing to start with medicine and then start a couple of months long therapy.


3) Keep doing the positive stuff! It's a great thing. Right now you have a small island in your life on the ocean of worry, your time in the gym when you're free from care. That's awesome! Your mind needs that islands of relief. So keep doing that because you're doing great. Find other things that give you that peace, that help you, and hold onto them. Make that island grow a little bigger, until you've made yourself a continent. Seek positive social connection. Nice music, new hobbies, starting learning a new skill - everything that would make things more positive. It's very important.


4) PTSD related conditions can be quite painful and the healing is possible but painful too. Getting out of it might feel like making a step forward then a step back, like you're not moving at all - but in fact it's two steps forward and one step back and you are moving forward, just in a way that is slow and tiring. Remember that. And the more you force yourself out of your state, the better. You can make some journal and force yourself to keep making positive things that help you, like meeting friends, exercise, hobbies. I had a calendar and next to the list of days I just wrote one or two nice things I did that day, and looking at it, at what I've done was a huge source of support to me. It helps remember the good stuff that happen and not only the bad stuff, and it matters in the healing process. You need to force yourself to seek help and force yourself to come to meetings regularly or to take medications regularly if you choose this path. Basically it takes effort, you need to not give up and keep pushing yourself to working on yourself and to positive stuff.


You will get better. It might feel like you won't, but that's the magic of PTSD. Just keep doing the good work and you will get better.

Link to comment

I have cut every possible contact with her, at first she wrote me something like "I haven't expected this from you.. and you know I've lost contact with other important people to me in the past year". She was referring to a close girlfriend that suddenly stopped contact with her, and I presume that a sudden change of heart happened there too.


I explained that this is too hard for me, and she does not physically exist for me, so I don't see any reason to continue knowing her. She said "Okay, re-friend me whenever you feel ready".


This person is crazy, and I regret every millisecond of my time spent with her. While this is valuable experience, this should never ever happen to anyone. She is currently 4 months-in with an old fling which "didn't had the time for a relationship" back then, and now all of a sudden he is a changed man I guess.


I just need confirmation that love is only a metric of a priority list that changes drastically fast. Everything is just for recreational purposes, memories are fake and movie-script induced scenes. This is the only solid logic that keeps me sane.

Link to comment

Please don't base your views on love on what happened between you two. You know you deserve more and it's possible to get a better girlfriend.


I suspect what might have happened is that you put your trust in her and she made this radical, shocking, unexpected and hurtful decision that put everything you shared in doubt... So in response, your brain froze. It was too much of a shock to work through your grief and anger right away, so your mind got trapped in some dark place it can't escape. You have a difficulty to go back to the world where people are genuinely loving, supporting and worthy of trust, because you have trust issues and you have to deal with your wounds first.


All that is possible. You can get healed, get past this, erase her from your life and have a loving relationship with someone worthy of it one day. You just need to continue to put effort to get better. You need someone to talk to - friends, forums, and even better a therapist. Someone to talk over and over things that go through your mind until they stop bombarding it. Or write them down in a journal. Until they start to make sense to you. Until you start feeling hope again. And it will happen.


As for cutting all contact, I meant cutting it both ways, so if you got a message from her about it you still have some contact from her. With this day's technology, there are many ways to block people altogether, so they can write long letters to you everyday and you won't know a thing. I highly recommend it in this case.

Link to comment

This type of a sudden break-up is happening for the second time in my life, and this does not leave me much room for hope and trust.


I just feel like I am missing on everything in life right now, everyone is either in a happy relationship or married with children. I feel like for every good deed I commit, I get 3 bad omens. This is not me whining, I just cant make logical sense out of anything at this point. My mom and that keep on telling me that "years have gone ahead", and that they might have to find a mate for me. This is the sure path to a suicide for me. Self-confidence is solid, but confidence behind the very root of my existence begins to fade.


I am not suicidal in any way, before someone tells me to hop on the hotline. I am just losing sleep, having a hard time maintaining focus, and most importantly, I am in a serious dopamine/endorphine/serotonine deficiency.

Link to comment

You have to get the mindset that this is over, and find ways to rebuild your confidence so that you

can appear happy, content, and be a person that others want to be around. It takes time, but

realizing that you had a life before her, and still will have life after is crucial to your healing.

She is not the end-all for everything. She opened up a pathway for you to seek out a girl who

is more compatible with you. You don't have a curse on you, don't waste time and money on that

superficial stuff. You will drive yourself insane.


Do not be her friend. Delete all contacts, and leave her in your past.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...