Kindly ask for advice after break up

[tarotaro]

I'm 27 years old ,working as an accountant. I met A. in March 2017 through a mutual friends. We been talking since then and started going out since late April. We been going out for around 9 months now. A. divorced around 2 years ago .A is 37 . He dated his ex wife for 5 years and divorced after 5 years after marriage . The marriage ended real bad and A is still traumatized about the process of divorced and alimony money that he has to pay her. He is still paying her now , around 50 k per year. I don't mind all of it . I knew its not a smart decision to date someone with so much emotional damaged through past marriage .But I processed it anyway because I like A. a lot and I somewhat think that everyone is able to get a fresh start .

 

A. asked me when we started dating that what do I want ?I told him I'm looking for someone to get marriage and have kids with. First he was hesitated and told me that is not what he is looking for right now . So I was fine with it and did not contact him .A week later ,we contacted me and started asking me out again.So I assumed that he thought it thro and wanted a new start with me .We been going non stop since then for 9 months till last night. Recently , I hinted here and there about long term commitment so he can think about it . The night before last night i kinda told him thro text message .Last night he told me he wanted to ended it because he thinks we are not in the same page . I want marriage and kids .and he is not sure what he wants in life in general. He said he is kinda back on forth in the thought of getting marriage again and have kids.He needs personal space now. I did not say anything .I just sit there and cry while he was going on bla bla bla explaining himself . I walked him out of my front door and I started crying loudly after closing that door. I dont know what to do . I experienced a heart break for a first time .For my past relationship , I was the one afraid of commitment .I was the one that broke it up with people .I cried for the whole night and did not sleep .I came in to work this morning like a zombie and I cannot focus on working .I keep checking my phone if he texts me like usual .

 

I spend every weekend with him .We talk almost everyday .We travel and go places together .What I am going do now ? What if i cannot find someone that I get along that much and have much mutual interest ...someone very kind and caring like him . I start questioning myself if I did something wrong ...I feel this is like karma to me for what I did to my ex boyfriends. I did not concern about them after I broke with them while they were firmly wanted to have a family with me . I was heartless and its now my pay back ? Does the chance to meet men that wanted to settle with me with come back or that is all for me ?

 

Please give me some advice and share some of your experience . I am not thinking very clear now .Thank you

[SweetGirl28]

It's not karma, it's just that you entered into a relationship with a man who doesn't want the same in

life as you, and you got attached. I know it hurts, but be thankful because he has now freed you up

to find a man who does want marriage and children. You'd be wasting more time by staying in this

relationship that was most likely destined to end at some point.

 

You have to go through the pain of missing him and learn to adjust to life without him in it every day.

It's hard. Only time really heals those feelings and emotions. Surround yourself with people who love

you, and keep yourself busy. The more you are able to focus on other things, the less you will find your

thoughts consumed by him.

 

When you are ready, you'll date again. Remember to never get involved too deeply with anyone who

makes it clear they don't have the same desires as you. If a man says he's not looking for commitment,

children, etc, believe him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Be glad he was honest right from the start with you and did not string you along. Now a you are free to date men who want the same things you want.

We been going out for around 9 months now. I told him I'm looking for someone to get marriage and have kids with. First he was hesitated and told me that is not what he is looking for right now . Last night he told me he wanted to ended it because he thinks we are not in the same page.

[tarotaro]

Thank you sweetgirl28. I knew it was not a smart decision at the beginning . Friends and Family already told me that this is gonna be a difficult for me when I first start seeing him . My mom even said " you are young , why don't you date someone that never married before and have a strong believe in traditional marriage " . Trust me ,I tried to run away from him . I tried to ignore him .But I couldn't .When he asked me out ,I always said yes .I even waited around for him to ask me to hang out at the beginning . I made myself always available for him. We did so many things that we enjoy together ...I meant during the time we were going out ,we put in the effort too .He made plan with me , took me out , went traveling with me even tho he was busy .I saw his effort during the time we were together. That's why I raised my hope . He is a doctor and he is very busy with his job and he is also very stress out of his job too. That's why i was really appreciated his time and effort for me . I think maybe i was so needy of his attention and his time that he feel like he needs space...I cannot understand why he made those effort for our relationship but end up not sure about marriage and kids...

[tarotaro]

Thank you wiseman2 . yes the bright side is that now i am and i don't have to be in a relationship that I feel unsecured about . I never like anyone as much as this man... I first learnt that sometimes in life , u cant have what you want !

[SweetGirl28]

He made the effort because he was obviously quite attracted to you.

If he wasn't, he would not have bothered. He is saying this now because you recently

brought up the marriage/kids again. At least you know he has a conscience, because

his deciding to end it means he doesn't see that in his future with you. A man who

didn't care would continue to string you along until they no longer can.

 

Have comfort in the fact that he saw something in you, and values you enough to want you

to be happy and fulfill your dreams in life.

[tarotaro]

@SWEETGIRL28 : Yes he was really into me and physically attracted to me. We talk and communicate well . I learnt the hard truth those doesn't mean that the person will want to spend the rest of their lives with you . I'm sure he is a good person .He cares about other people and act in consideration for other people . That's why I like him a lot . From where i was born and raised , relationship and marriage are much much more simpler .People usually date one person ,marry to that one and mostly stay marriage to that person till death . In that culture, If you are with someone and everything is good , 100% two person will end up together , and 100 % that that two will have children together . Living in America ,I have to adopt that mentality of people here in marriage is different . People value freedom , individual needs and other stuff beside relationship.