Broken - Midlife Crisis?

[anon1234567]

Hi,

I have come here looking for advice as I have been left very confused.

 

Me and my partner (ex) have spent nearly 14 years together, he is in his early 30's. We never really argued, we spoke about our feelings, he was my best friend, my soul mate, someone I thought I would be with until we were old.

 

Then suddenly he started university and within the first week he just changed. He was spending every day and night out. He started looking after himself better, appearance wise, spending money like crazy, talking differently, acting differently. I no longer felt loved or cared for, something which I had always felt while with him.

 

As we would normally do, I voiced my concerns, I didn't mind him making new friends and going out, that was something I wanted for him all along. I just didn't see why it had to be every single day, I was hardly ever seeing him. We have 2 children together too, they were only seeing him for 5 minutes in the morning. Then he wouldn't return until gone midnight. He said he was just enjoying the experience and he felt like he couldn't because I was moaning.

 

He made a group of friends with all teenagers and was literally spending every single minute with them, I started to feel really abandoned and lonely.

 

A few weeks in he told me was no longer in love with me, then the following week would say he did love me. It went back and forth like this for a while, but he'd end up just dissapearing again, which then turned into not coming home for days.

 

After about 2 months, I had had enough, he cancelled our date night to go out with these new friends even though he had spent all week with them. We went for a walk and I asked him what he wanted from me, he said he didn't think there was anything left for us anymore. I knew it was coming, so I just held it together and moved on to my next concern, our children, I tried making arrangements with him on sharing the responsibility, he could have them 3 days week etc. He then stopped talking to me.

 

He then seemed to be just really angry with me, but I hadn't done any wrong to him. He moved out completely. He never kept to plans in looking after the children while I went to work, or for me to have some me time. He just started seeing less and less of the children.

 

To my latest revelation, I have found out he is seeing one of the teenagers he hangs around with, which is another blow to my heart.

 

He has left me, our children, our home, our family for people he has known 5 minutes.

 

He doesn't help me in away shape or form with the children. He literally changed into someone I no longer know and has become everything I never thought was possible.

 

Does this sound like a midlife crisis?

[reinventmyself]

Does this sound like a midlife crisis?

 

Giving this a label such as that would minimize it. Besides, a midlife crisis maybe temporary.

Are you waiting for him to come to his senses?

 

Have you contacted a lawyer about child support and possibly support for yourself?

I am sorry this has happened. You need to take care of yourself and look out for the welfare of your children.

[melancholy123]

You need a lawyer, now. He does sound like he's reliving his teenage years and abdicating his responsibilities at home. A lawyer is needed to set him straight.

[lostmylife]

I'd like to think there is a possibility it is a midlife crisis - you have 14 happy years together and 2 children. He needs to face up to his responsibilities, whether you are together or separated, this needs to be brought about somehow. As a separate issue, there is perhaps hope it is temporary, if you want him back and can forgive him that is.

Is there a mutual friend you can seek to talk to him, find out if he realises the seriousness of his actions?

[MissCanuck]

Even before I reached the end of your post, I was thinking this sounds more like an affair than a mid-life crisis.

 

I am really sorry this is happening to you and your children. Get yourself to an attorney, immediately. He has a responsibility towards his own kids even if the relationship with you is over. He doesn't get to go out gallivanting and leave everything else up to you.

 

You say he is in his early 30s - how old are you? I can just about guarantee his new relationship will not last (because really, what teen wants and is ready to date a grown man with two children for the long-term?) but that is beside the point. His behaviour is appalling and you deserve so much more respect and consideration than he is showing you now. I can understand why you're so confused and hurt. If he felt bored or restless in the relationship, he needed to come to you instead of escaping with teenagers. That alone says a lot about his frame of mind and ability to weather life's storms.

[anon1234567]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I did truly think it was a mid life crisis, as he has just changed dramatically. He felt at the beginning like he didn't fit in anywhere (in regards to friends) so when they accepted the age difference, it was like he grabbed it with both hands and became one of them. Thinking it is a mid life crisis, gives me hope that one day he will regret all he has done. And for some reason that puts my mind at ease a little.

 

I am 30.

He's blocked me from contacting him for no reason.

I have tried going through close family members of his, but he has shut everyone out.

He's closed all his social media accounts and created new ones that only his new friends can see.

It's like he's just living in this little bubble and doesn't want to talk to anyone he use to know.

 

I don't think the girl he is seeing even knows I exist or that he even has children. I have been contemplating messaging her but feel maybe I should just stay out of it.

 

I'm just so upset, this is not what I wanted for my kids. And although I've been strong up until now, it feels like it is all catching up.

I just don't understand how we have spent that long together, for him to just change so drastically and get with someone the age of 18 and think its ok to go do everything with these new friends but not come and take your children out for an afternoon of whatever.

 

It's an option to go the legal route, but it would cost me so much money that I don't have. Before I was in the frame of mind that I am not going to let him abandon his responsibilities, but now I'm thinking why should I have to force him to look after his own flesh and blood, that should be something you'd want to do naturally. They adore him, it is so horrible the way he is treating them.

 

I've looked into child maintenance and I'd only receive £7 a week from him if I was to do that, seems pretty pointless.

 

I really just want to move on, put my children first unlike him, and get on with my life, but it feels so hard, I am hurting so much right now. From what I currently know, I have had to find out for myself and I still don't know everything, I have no understanding on why he has done all this.

[MissCanuck]

It's an option to go the legal route, but it would cost me so much money that I don't have. Before I was in the frame of mind that I am not going to let him abandon his responsibilities, but now I'm thinking why should I have to force him to look after his own flesh and blood, that should be something you'd want to do naturally. They adore him, it is so horrible the way he is treating them.

Because your children need someone to stand up for them.

 

I've looked into child maintenance and I'd only receive £7 a week from him if I was to do that, seems pretty pointless.

It's not just about the money. It's about making sure the kids maintain a relationship with their dad and that he participates in their lives. Yes, he's shirking responsibility now but I would personally feel much better as mom knowing I did what I could do to get Dad to stay involved with his own kids. So, make an appointment for a consultation with a lawyer. Find out what your options actually are, and what his obligations are.

 

My guess is his new girlfriend has no idea that you or your kids exist, and this is why you've been blocked from all contact. He doesn't want you to blow his cover. I would not let him keep up that charade at the expense of my children.

 

Also, and this may be a long shot, but is there any chance he's gotten involved in substances? This dramatic change in behaviour would raise some questions for me about what exactly he's been doing on all these late nights out.

[melancholy123]

Many lawyers will give a free 1/2 hour consultation where you can learn your rights and what can be done about this situation. I urge you to find such a lawyer.

[reinventmyself]

Because there are a high number of vulnerable mothers in your exact same position, laws are created for this reason to protect you and the children. Depending where you live they vary.

 

Contact a lawyer, tell them your situation. (they see it all the time) and they will advise you of your rights.

Ultimately your ex can be charged your attorney fees.

 

I was a stay at home mom with no income and was in a similar situation. It's a long story, but ultimately my ex paid some of my attorney fees, the rest my parents helped me with and the balance from the sell of the home. But in the end my ex paid spousal support and child support which allowed me the time to finish school, take care of the kids and get on my feet.

 

Please know you have choices and resources. When you think of this way, most countries/states do not want to see you and your kids as part of system, collecting welfare and food stamps. Especially when the sperm donor is running around acting like a teenager. He legally cannot just walk away.